Help me understand my 22 yr old bipolar daughter

• By luchafree
• Reply 3438079
• October 7, 2012 at 8:45 am
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My son is 18 yo. And lives with me. I share your pain and struggle. I also had a biplar boyfriend. What helps: 1. The boundaries.. The book on "boundaries" is great if you implement it. What you tolerate will dominate .2. Counseling with my son has helped too . 3. Prayer. 4. Taking care of myself with outlets for stress..modeling accountability..responsibilty..healthy relational skills. 5. Balance . (my son knows he is loved even though I will not accept those behaviors or actions). Hang in there. Im still learning and appreciate feedback.

• By Liiiveinhope
• Reply 3440620
• October 8, 2012 at 9:48 am
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My son in law is classic rapid cycling bi-polar. He and my daughter live with us. It's been 6 yrs since he was diagnosed.
Does your daughter accept the diagnosis or is she in denial? I don't know how to help if she's in denial, sorry. If she accepts that the illness is real you're ahead of the game. Read up on the condition. Let her know you are trying to learn by finding out all you can and see if she wants to learn with you. Do this when she's at her most stable- hard but if you watch you should get an idea where she's at. Is she taking her meds? This is one area where you need to be vigilant. Watch her take them and tell her you want to help. Approach her carefully. Making a pact or deal has worked for my daughter. If he took his meds he could acess his computer which is his main source of escape and entertainment. She needs to be willing to accept your help and try to build a life for herself to do this.
Please let us know how things are going. This is a life long journey. YOU must be willing to commit to her wellbeing. I'll be praying for you.
Sincerely,
Sharon

• By mackyfaith
• Reply 3443401
• October 9, 2012 at 8:58 am
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i was diagnised with bipolar at 14 and ive lived with that knowledge for the past 5yrs yet its not been easy with school and all but counselling and taking my drugs has helped and sinse i dont have much of a family to lean on mob time its been stress .i just hope one day iwill wake p to find that it is all over.People can do their best to help you it is you to play the greatest part in your healing.

• By Liiiveinhope
• Reply 3443629
• October 9, 2012 at 10:01 am
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Dear Mackyfaith- what a courageous person you are! Bipolar disorder is a very misunderstood illness, as most mental illnesses are. Many folks, even our Christian family, are afraid of what they don't understand. Most family members are both frightened and frustrated by the illness. Nevertheless God, in His perfect wisdom has allowed these afflictions in our bodies for His higher purposes. We trust and obey. Hold onto Jesus with all you have. He is faithful and compassionate and never fails or forsakes us. He will carry us through our deepest valleys.
To Lynn- would it help you to know that our loved ones often pour their anger out on us because we are the ones they feel they can express their true feelings to without fear of condemnation? I've lived this with my four adopted daughters as we struggle through the mire of past horrors that have left them weak, twisted and raw with hurt. Your daughter would be grateful if you educated yourself as much as you can about bipolar disease. Maybe she might be interested to seek help on inspire.
Bless you all,
Sharon

• By kulmer
• Reply 3509249
• November 2, 2012 at 11:49 am
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I come from the other side of the fence, so to speak. Especially right after I was diagnosed and after my first stay in a psych ward, my parents didn't know what to do with me. From one moment to the next, I was hysterically laughing or balling my eyes out. I talked very quickly and swore a lot, saying things I wouldn't normally say to my parents. I stormed out of the house on more than one occasion. Needless to say, my parents were very worried about me!

At the time, however, I didn't want to hear any of it. I snapped at every suggestion they made. The hardest part was feeling out of control. I hated to be reminded to take my medicine and constantly getting asked "are you ok?" I appreciated that they cared but it just felt so overbearing and it seemed like none of my emotions were legitimate to them. Everything had to be caused by my diagnosis, according to them. Of course, we were all still learning what bipolar meant in real life.

The only suggestion I can really make is to tell your daughter how much you care for her, that you want to learn ALONG WITH her about the condition, and help her to be independent in managing her moods, meds, etc. More recently, I have taken to setting a timer to remind myself to take my medication. That way, instead of having my family (or now boyfriend) harping on me to take my meds, I get a gentle reminder from my alarm.

It is alright to make observations about your daughter's mood as well, but make sure you don't start with "are you feeling manic?" This just leads to confrontation and places the blame on the bipolar. Instead, maybe ask about things that are going on in her life to assess her current mental state. Don't try to diagnose, though. If you think she needs more help, get her to her psychiatrist or psychologist right away. She might resist you, but sometimes it is hard to check ourselves.

I know this is getting wordy, but I hope this helps.

• By Liiiveinhope
• Reply 3509574 · In reply to 3509249 by kulmer
• November 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm
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Dear Kulmer,
You wern't too wordy at all:) You gave helpful advice and I'll remember these suggestions as we try to support our live-in son-in-law. Thanks for taking the time to reply!
Sharon

• By steelmagcb
• Reply 3514619
• November 4, 2012 at 1:05 pm
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Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am very discouraged by the dynamics of living with my 22 year old bipolar/attendion deficit daughter. I've had sole custody of her since she was 9 with no child support from her destitute, alcoholic, former power attorney father. There is the usual conflict between mother and daughter, but way over the top. My daughter is agitated and agressive with me even though she takes lamictal, lithium, and abilify. Today I put in ear plugs and finally ignored her when her arguing and aggressiveness began which did help some. The stress here is affecting my job performance resulting in a write-up even though I am an excellent teacher. I have slept through alarms and am not myself at work sometimes b/c of the stress. It is very hard for her( or she simply doesn't choose) to carry through with any discipline in her life regarding school and responsibilities here at home. It is hard for me to understand how much she is able to, or not able to control her condition and how much of it is rebellion and laziness. Her schedule is basically staying out until 2 or 3 in the morning, sleeping until she must get ready for work, and then spending 2 or more hours primping. She is an angelic looking beauty who gets much attention from that and the sweet way she presents herself to the world, constantly telling her friends how I abuse her! Her job is a part-time job hostess which she is able to do well. We have made a schedule (at her request) of things she needs to help here, but she doesn't carry through. I am 57, a first grade teacher, and desperately need some peace in the evening and on the weekends for my health and sanity. How can I set up boundaries and consequences with her when she fails to help here and is aggressive and disrespectful? She earns very little and does try to help by paying for her gas and phone, but I pay for her health and car insurance. I try very hard to stick to my guns about her helping when and how she says she will, but then our home turns into a war zone. The only consequences that I feel that I'd be able to give is to take away her car and stop paying her auto insurance. Her job is less than a mile from here and she would have to walk.
I want to help my daughter learn responsibility and eventually become independent. I guess the main issue is that I truly don't understnad how much she is capable of. I feel that I am enabling her by not giving her strong consequences, but am having such a hard time coming up with any that would be effective. I've set a curfew for example, but have no consequences to give when she breaks it as I could do when she was younger. HELP! My daughter is still a part time student who has been in junior college for 4 years. She doesn't earn enough money to live wtih a friend or be independent.

• By ArleneB (Inactive)
• Reply 3516633
• November 5, 2012 at 8:18 am
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Good morning ~ My heart broke for you when I saw your post about your daughter who has bi-polar. I'm not the parent of someone with this illness, I'm a person who has it and my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you, knowing how difficult it is from this side. I'm 61 now and was not diagnosed until about 15 years ago. Looking back, it probably began when I was in my teens and at times it feels like I'm battling hell itself. Can't tell you how many times I used to wish someone would just take hold of me and make it all stop. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for you. I hope you can perhaps just walk away when it gets too overwhelming, take some time to recoup, and keep the love you have for your daughter in your heart growing - and pray pray pray for both her and yourself. Do you have a counselor or minister you can talk to regularly? Is your daughter on the medications she needs - and does she take them? That in itself is a hard thing to finally get a handle on and do.
Please take very good care of yourself. You can't 'fix' her, as much as you'd like to, and I can only begin to imagine what you're going through, but pray for both her and yourself and take care of yourself. She probably loves you very much, and isn't doing things to purposely hurt you. I'm sure you already know that - but even knowing, it's still hard on you.
Take care - Arlene