Feel like letting go !

I'm tired off it all. It seems like it will never get better. Pain always pain. I have NO support from my family and I don't have any friends out here in the north. When I ask for help, the response is as cold as the temperature -31 C. Yes I often feel like letting go. Living with an ileostomy is very tough , I'm often sick and always in pain. I can't take pain medication cause I'm allergic to all of them(Narcotics that is). My family tells me to stop complaining because other people are worst off than I am. Can't work so no money coming in and no insurance. I'm just fed up.
Why go on living this life if it gets only worst every day. I wish the doctors
would have told me of how expensive it is to wear an ostomy bag , I would have decline the operation and just die in pain and alone. Now the doctors tell me I have Crohn's ; that's new to me. Was told that I would no longer have pain and be sick but instead I get sicker. Wish I had someone to talk to, to cry with. Can't do it here, have to be alone to cry. Men don't cry or complain, so I'm being told. I wish I had some guy to talk to about male stuff. No male doctors here and psychological help takes more than a year to get. Maybe in an other life. Maybe It's my punishment for being gay, like the priest said. I guest he was right, hell is waiting for me, may as well go and meet my destiny.

Help. My name is Sylvain and I live in Canada.

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Sylvain, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds dismal. You must know that the thoughts of ending your life are normal for someone with no support or (seemingly) no way out. You are also in Canada, which means it's probably depressingly cold and you aren't even about to get out and get fresh air. Is there anyone...I mean anyone who you can turn to? If not, I would like for you to try to go to a Christian neighborhood church...even if you are mad at God for your terrible condition. He is the healer of hearts. You have to be real with people, though, and find a group who will support you where you're at. I have a tear on my cheek just thinking of you alone dealing with all this. It's just not right. Life can be so cruel at times. I do know, also, that nothing lasts forever. I also think that if you are that down and depressed, that you're not going to be able to help yourself until you get help. If you call your doctor and tell him you are having suicidal thoughts, he'll get you in today. Today is probably a good day to give in and go seek help for your depression. Hopelessness is the worst condition there is on the planet. Because you've had it bad for such a long time, you may need some medication to get you out of the slump and then you can take charge again. You can do it. I know you can. You are special and God's child. He wants the best for you and sometimes you need to reach out to others so He can help you heal. You will be in my prayers.

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Dear Caretaker2,
I am not mad at God, just don't believe in it any more. Can't go see clergy, I don't trust them any longer. They'll just tell me again that It's my punishment for loving other men, ya ya I'm gay and church says I'll burn. But that's an other story. I did go out yesterday, dressed up warm cause it was cold -31Celcius. Took the bus and went to the mall just to change my mind. Could not leave with out the pain and the (4 letter word) ostomy bag attached permanently on me. It felt good to be out in the cold; I'll do it again today. The transit is free so why not. I found out that there is an ostomy group here in my city, i'll go see them when they meet at the end of the month; If I don't do something stupid before then. I already got a plan to do the irreparable. Got 3 choices of how I'll go. But I can wait and see If someone cares and will listen to my pain. There's always people like you and Team Inspire.
Glad you're there for me, thank you for caring; wish my family did the same. Sometimes it,s easier to talk to a stranger.
Still here today, tomorrow?????
Sylvain.xoxo

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I thought about you a lot yesterday. No one should go this alone. I can tell you from my life experience that the worst thing about "religion" are the people in it. The creepiest people I've ever met have been in the church. However, that has nothing to do with God. There are some good people in church who will not judge you and are only there to help minister to your needs. Most of the time, people that have been where you are will be the best kind of people to talk to. There are plenty of them out there. If you need a recommendation on somewhere to try, let me know. I'm not a holy roller, but know that God is in control. I am going to share a couple of scriptures that always help me when I'm down.

"He heals the broken hearted, and binds up their wounds." Psalms 147:3

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

Having depression along with other illnesses and challenges can be overwhelming. The thing that I think is so important is that you continue to reach out and keep on reaching until you find help and comfort. God is waiting with open arms. He didn't come to save the proud and mighty...but people like us who need help and seek answers.

It's really good that you went out yesterday. I think that finding a support group is essential to climbing out of the hole. It's easier to talk to people who "Get it" and eventually, you can be the one lending support to others. That's when the true healing begins. Your life is precious and can be used to help others. You will be used and you will fill that light seep back into your soul again. Just hang in there through this winter of your life. Spring is around the corner!

Be kind to yourself today.

Caretaker 2 (aka Jen)

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Hey, how are you doing today? You are not alone. I am with you here in thoughts and prayers. There are now others praying for your health, well-being and recovery. There is help out there for you in every area of your life. You need a coach and someone to get you started. Please hang in there. My husband already has a support group of people who are in great physical and emotional pain from suffering from A.S. (is a progressive inflamitory disease that is very, very painful. He understands pain and hopelessness. He's also a guy so he'll be able to understand that "Keep the stiff upper lip" stuff that society tells us. I'd like for him to write you, too, if that's alright.

I'm here to tell you that there will always be someone worse off. So what??? It's all relative. You need to take care of you, otherwise your life will be a shadow of what God intended for you. He wants you to prosper.

Please let me know how you are.

J.

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Hi Jen, I'm still here. Went out again today, warmer out today, if you can call that warmer,-16 celcius not counting the wind. I suppose it's nice and really warm out where you live. Went for a coffee at our neigberhood coffee shop. Read the news paper and
sipped on a nice hot black coffee while looking at people between two news stories. Looked at the obituary and wished that it was me in there. Was almost jelouse of them dead people. So I stopped reading the paper. Looked at good looking guys and thought I'll never have another man in my life. Who would want me, I wear an ileostomy pouch(bag). It's just awful to look at. It will turn off
any guy that I meet. No one would want sex with me, not with a bag full of s***T hanging next to my private parts. Walked back home. Passed by the park full of snow. I checked the trees to see if any was right to hang , there's some but the snow is almost waist deep to get to them. So too bad for that plan. I have some medication (sleeping pille and the Narcotics ) and maybe gazoline.
Those are the other choice that I have. I"LL WAIT SO MORE before I either take the pills or drouse myself with gazoline and.....
I have time on my side, I have time. Cannot kill myself just anywhere. Will not do it home nor where children my see me or find me.
I will be here again tomorrow , I promise you. But don't know how long I can deal with the PAIN anymore. The lonelyness is very difficult too. I'm glad that I have you to talk to. It's OK if your hubby wants to wright too, I think that I will like that, but don't force him to do so. Forgive my errors in writting English, I'm just a gay frenchman that God hates; so I'm being told.

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God does not hate you. He is allowing things to happen in your life in order to get your attention. Seek Him. He is waiting to cradle you in His arms and heal you in every way. He wants to restore you. "If anyone belongs to Christ, he is new creation. The old things have gone; everything is made new. (2 Corinthinans 5:17). He will turn your life right side up, if you let Him. The God of the Catholic church (since you mentioned a priest) can be taught as a cold and distant God. It's not true. "Come to me, all you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28). He is able to forgive us and cleanse us and set things right in our lives. You may be right about the relationship thing. There may be something more for you on this planet. A bigger purpose. Einstein said, "Only a life lived for others is worth living." You sound like a really nice person. You are already concerned about making kids or people who may "find" you upset. That means you are worth something. You could make a difference in someone's life once you are emotionally well. Are you willing to think about joining that support group? That would be a good first step. Even calling them and talking to the support group leader might encourage you a bit. Can you find a church that will be supportive? Getting connected to the community around you is very important. If you are that low, you can also check yourself into a hospital. They can give you medication that will numb you out for a bit so you can make some plans and get the help you need.

Where is your family in all this? Do you have parents or siblings? Do you have any friends?

I wish you a better day today.

Yes, it's warm here, but clouding up for a storm. Yes, it rains in California. :)

Be good to yourself. At least treat yourself to a Starbucks and read a good (uplifting) book.

A virtual hug your way,

J.

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Hello Jen. I'll be seeing my Doctor tomorrow and tell her how I feel. She'll do something for me, she is an excellent Dr. My family is no help, they do not want me to talk about these things, especially in public, for fear that others will know that my family is not perfect. So I shut up and keep these problems that I have to myself. I do not have any friends out here. The ones I have are gone
out West (Alberta) to find work and the others are deceased. Tomorrow won't be so cold +2 Celcius (35.6F). I do not wish to be hospitalised. All I need is someone to talk to, preferably a man. I connect easier with men than women; no disrespect intended to all you beautiful women. It's just the way I am. I'll survive for one more day. Tomorrow?, we'll see.

Have a nice day or evening.
Sylvain.

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Great to hear from you. Yes, I was worried. I'm glad you're going to the doctor. Be totally honest with her. I talked to my husband about your situation and he thought that you should go to the support group. There will be people there who you can connect with. You have something very important in common and they are there for support, too. It's not an easy thing you're going through so seeing other people in your situation, or something like your situation, may help you feel more connected.

If you're up for it, I'd like to see is I can get someone (male) to talk to you. Would you be open to giving me your email address? I agree that you talking to a guy who "gets it" might be helpful. It's easier to have someone just email you rather than navigating a website. I believe you are worthy and special and I want to help.

I am off to do battle with first graders who are experience the post Christmas blues. With me luck...

Your friend,
Jen

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Hi, I'm back. My appointement went so-so. Firstly I may have an infection in my abdomen that is where the pain is coming from. So, my surgeon wants to see me soon, waiting for a rendez-vous, should be very soon. I'll start some meds for that infection tomorrow. Also they are worried about my vitamine D and calcium, maybe osteoporosis; I am pre-ostoporosis right now. I won't be getting the help that
I so wanted. Lack of staff and too many people looking for psychological help. The waiting time is well over a full year. I have to wait. I'll be getting some ostomy supplies, free, from the government finally and that's for life. That made my day. So about my E-mail here it is:
s.harquail2012@gmail.com . You can contact me any time. I still feel like *%#{!?{+#%&* (FOUR LETTER WORD) bad and hopeless but I'll try to have another,better,day tomorrow.
Are you a teacher?

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It's a possibility that you don't feel yourself because of your infection. Let's see if that helps a bit. It may. I'm very glad that you're getting support with your meds. I can't understand why it's so hard to get someone to see you for acute depression. Hummmm... I wonder if you called some kind of hotline just to ask them what some of the other options are to get on anti-depressants.

Yes, I'm a teacher. I teach first grade at a very low income school. It comes with challenges and blessings. I like teaching kids how to read. I wish you lived here because I'd have you come and volunteer. :) No doubt the munchkins would make you smile. They're strange little people, but really cute. I have lots of kids with big personalities in my room this year so I have to really sit on them sometimes to get anything done. They would really like to run the show, if they could.

Have a good day. Write me! Thanks for your email!!!

Jen

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Hey...haven't heard from you. Just checking in. Are you alright?

J.

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Im just curious whether or not your ostomy is permenant or temporary, and the cleaning solution would have been cheaper than ordering supplies if you didn't have the money or insurance. There are solutions you can use that will reduce odor and bacteria. Keeping it from becoming excoriated is keep to keeping it from getting infected. Change it before it gets too full. Wash your hands before and after. Going to the support group will help with the daily coping strategies others have learned.
I have several gay friends, male and female, they say every woman needs a gay man for a friend. I get to hear the wildest sex stories and I live vicariously through them. I don't have the courage to do these orgy, camp, group parties. But Ive heard it all. Down to Beard, by definition, hides the secret. Thin is in for some, but not all. I don't want to reveal all my gay secrets, but I do want you to know that straight women aren't the enemy. We have some good insight about feelings. Men crying is perfectly normal, but you just got to know when to let the tears roll, and when to hold them back. Just because your gay doesn't mean your cursed.
God is first and foremost, no respector of persons...He will accept you into His salvation and redemption regardless of your sexual orientation. Too many ppl focus on the old testament. Things change, and you have to keep reading and see what the TRUTH is in the new testament. Bible thumpers, and religion ... I don't like them either. But you don't need those things to have a relationship with God. God is all seeing, all knowing, and He's ever present. No matter where you are you can talk to Him ... in other words cast your cares upon Him. When things are too much for you to bear, you give it to God and he carrys you through those dark moments. Thats the kind of God I serve. You just need faith, the size of a mustard seed and you will see miracles. Once you believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sins too, you are washed clean by the blood that Jesus shed. I don't go to church either, because I love music and its hard to find a place that speaks to my soul --- literally.
Keep your chin up, and don't stop smiling. I don't know you but for some reason I had the feeling to tell you to keep smiling. You must have a nice smile...

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