Hi Everyone:
Last week I asked for everyone's prayers because I was having surgery for a biopsy of my right lung. Well, I found out on Thursday that I have lung cancer. That's all we know so far ... don't know what kind, what stage, etc. .... we are waiting for all the pathology reports to come back so we should have more info. next week to be able to determine what course of treatment to take. They did tell me however, that they think it has spread into the pleura which would put me at about Stage IIIB. I don't even have words to describe how I feel ... I'm obviously extremely upset, but also fairly calm about the whole thing .... which makes no sense to me at all .... maybe it hasn't hit me yet and I'm denial.
It is so hard to watch my husband and all my family and friends crying .... it is so painful.
They removed my chest tube and let me go home today. The pain is UNBEARABLE .... I have a pretty high tolerance and I have NEVER experienced pain like this. They tried every kind of pain medication available and just couldn't get it under control. Removing the chest tube did help a lot.
Like I said, I am just speechless and terrified .... I am only 43 years old .... I have a great life ... a wonderful husband and phenomenal friends and family. I just went back to school to become a nurse. There are just too many gifts in my life to list them all.
I don't want to die in my 40s ... I am SO scared of dying. I'm scared to death of turning into a skeleton and gasping for each and every breath. I'm scared to death of ending up in a diaper. I'm terrified of that sad, pity look that you get from people. I'm scared of pain and suffering. I'm terrified of it spreading to my brain where I turn into something like a 3 year old child with dementia that can't remember her name. I didn't know it was possible to feel this afraid.
If anyone can offer any words of wisdom, advice or encouragement, I would really, really appreciate it. I am, and have been pretty much my whole life, a total isolator. I can't be that way with this .... this is not something I can fight alone. I need support and the help of others.
Cheryl
xoxo