today 6-30-2009

i find myself coming back to this site every so many weeks and reading posts and crying. i feel so terrible for everyone on here that are losing loved ones. it has only been a little over three short months since i lost my mother. I have receive many supportive replies after my few posts that i feel i need to contribute to others and give back. i just posted advice to a new person on keeping a binder and taking notes at dr appts. i now feel it is so trivial, yet it helped me so much. i hope that i can help someone somewhere, somehow. the crying i do here is actually cathartic. i still have a very hard time believing that my mother is gone from this world. i feel guilty when days go by and i dont remember her death or the fact that she was sick. i wish i didnt. its almost like denial, but not really, because i know in my heart and mind. i am learning to not dwell on how sad her last week was and especially those last few days. is that healthy? im not quite sure yet. i dont visit her grave much--have only been twice since the burial. the second time because my 6 year old wrote her a letter and wanted to take it to grammy and read it to her. it breaks my heart to peices. i wonder how much she will actually remember.. i think she is due another visit because she randomly throws out comments about her being in heaven and singing with the angels and watching us. i promised her we would go plant a flower there soon. maybe God is using my littlest one to help me do the things i think i cant? i am desperately seeking a balance of going on with life and not making everything a memorial of her. i know i still have to go to her house and through her things soon, but not ready to do that yet either. maybe in time. wow. time. we arent supposed to wish our lives away, but...........there is that "time" issue again. until i feel the need to unload once more....I am praying for you all (whoever may read this) and your families who are greiving so.