Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 1 of 15

"Today is the first day of the rest of my life," he announced in a whisper when he emerged from his bedroom this morning. "Yep," I said. "Let's make it a good one!"

We met with the Radiation Oncologist before the first treatment to The Ex's newest tumor, located in his cerebellum. The Ex had requested the meeting, but did not tell me what he planned to ask.

When the doctor came in, The Ex asks in a breathy whisper, "I want to know why I am here. Why is it important to have this radiation now, when I am clearly so terminal. How is this a quality of life issue?"

"Good question," the doc replies. "Your tumor is in a place on your brain that presses on a major ventrical. If that ventrical becomes too restricted, you will have no balance, you will have terrible headaches and you will be nauseated."

Not a candidate for the "Cyberknife," the doc said he doesn't believe in Whole Brain Radiation, either. He will be targeting the tumor, just not as precisely and intensely as the treatment would be with the "Cyberknife."

With treatment, the doc said The Ex could live 9 months or more. Without treatment, he said only 2 or 3 miserable months, at the most.

Once again, The Ex asked if he couldn't just have a date to die. He doesn't want to die in 2 months, but he doesn't want to live 9 months, either, since he presumes he will outlive his money.

He doesn't know whether to go for time off with the Family Medical Leave Act, or if he should go on part time disability -- which would allow him to work part time. He still wants to work, still feels he can work, and I can drive him. Or, he could just blow off work altogether, go under hospice care and not worry about health insurance anymore.

We ended our meeting with many questions remaining unanswered, but The Ex opted to go for the radiation, asking for reassurance, once again, that he can quit radiation anytime he wants.

With that, he was off to "the room." It only took about 10 minutes, and all day long he said he felt okay.

He asks me at least once a day if he can drive. I always answer no. This is not my personal choice. My caregiving life was a lot easier when I didn't have to take him everywhere he needs to go. But we (he and his best friend and I) decided it would be best for him not to be caught DWBT (Driving With a Brain Tumor).

So today, on this first day of the rest of his life, he didn't drive, but we still checked some things off his bucket list, indulgently bought 6 different kinds of his favorite breakfast cereals that weren't even on sale and a whole slew of Halloween Snickers bars that WERE on sale, and we ate fast food burgers for dinner. I used to nag him about sugar, but I don't bother anymore. What's the point?

Each day is the first day of the rest of his life. I'm just here to hold his hand along the way.