Hello to all my amazing extended LCA family. First let me tell you Thank you for all the support you have givin me over the past 6 mos. When Mom was first diagnosed I searched for days and weeks trying to find hope and I finally found it on this site. It became the link I visited most. It is with the heaviest heart I've ever experience to say that My amazing mom, my best friend passed away on Friday July 25th. Tho I know she is no longer in pain, it hurts so deeply to not have her around. Since the moment I was able to talk, we never went a day with out speaking or sayin we loved each other. She was my best friend and will always be.
I had posted last week that mom was takin to ICU because she had mucus that got lodged in her air way. Well they ended up sucking that out. When i left on Tues night she was doing great. Docs said she'll prob go back to her own room the next day, blood pressure was better than it had been in months. At midnight that night she called me. See every time mom was in the hospital I stayed with her. In ICU I couldn't. she said she was bored and just wanted to say hi and see what I was doing. She then said she was going to sleep and she loved me. Never did I think that it would be the last heart to heart we would share. When I walked into the ICU the next morning I was hit with my worse fear. Her blood pressure had dropped to 75/31. The onc said she had problems breathing the night before and had another chest x/ray done. On the previous friday the chest x/ray showed no cancer, the new one showed several large massed between both lungs and the only thing left was to keep her comfortable. 5am thurdays morning she was alert and asking me to move her legs to get her comfortable and was answering questions. That same morning they had to up the dose of morphine because of extreme pain. To those who believe in God, you may be chilled by this. On Thurs night, friday morning around 4 am I was talking to my mom, telling her it was gonna be ok and I will always be her baby girl. That I love her more than anything in this world. She gave me the slightest little grin or course being complete asleep. My oldest brother told me later that around that same time he got this peaceful feeling wash over him that made him smile and my other brother said around that time my neice woke up crying and they could not calm her down. What comes most chilling is when she took her last breath. Of course I was there as was my dad. See, since i was a child, mom and I were always together. school was the only time we were apart. Even when I moved out i came to see mom nearly everday. Never did we share that bond with the rest of the family. it was just us. Dad said on Friday morning around 5am he felt like he needed to go outside. Didn't know why, something was just telling him to. I laid my head back down on her pillow as i did all that night and held her hand. I dozed off to sleep for a few minutes and woke up to the softest voice wispering "she stopped breathing". I looked up and there was my beautiful mom, and my best friend. Everyone now tells me that mom didn't want anyone in that room but me when she took her last breath. Yet I cant get that image out of my head and it kills me. We laid my mom to rest this morning and I feel so lost without her. I dont know how to do this. I feel bad for smiling, i feel like I'm doing something wrong by being thankful that she's not in pain. I miss her and love her more than anything in this world. I'm stuck between wanting her here with me and wanting to be there with her. I feel like I failed her because I couldnt beat this beast away from her. Everyone says it'll be ok and we'll get through it but how am I gonna get married without my mom helping, or having my first child without her holding my hand. It's milestones like that, that make me just not want to continue. I know the one thing my mom wanted was for me to continue to fight for a cure. Please please i beg everyone on this site, for all those lost and for my wonderful mom. FIGHT!!!!! dont let this beast win.
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