What to do?

• By Khari
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 10:36 am
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Sometimes all we can do as caregivers is be there and hold our loved one's hand.

I'm so sorry this is happening to your wife (and you as well) I'll keep you in my prayers.

Khari

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• By gatnus
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 10:43 am
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Khari:

Thank you so much. I feel as a husband for over 54 years I want to be at her side. I gave up all of my social activities and remain by her side.
Our son has also reacted angry by bringing up her long years of smoking. But I think it is his way with dealing with the situation.

It is rough but I will be there with her if she needs me.

Gatnus

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• By larrah
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 10:45 am
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Can her Dr. give her an antidepressant and possibly an anti anxiety medicine like my brother was on? Zoloft and ativan.

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• By sojourner
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 10:45 am
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Maybe a little time to get over the initial shock of it all will help. I found once treatment started I, at least, felt like I was doing something to help my situation. Please take care of yourself too.

I, too, will keep you both in my prayers.

Donna

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• By patriciad
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 10:59 am
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I think that you are doing what you can do-being there is the most important thing. It is hard on caregivers to not kiss it and make it better but I do believe that our presence and love should not be underestimated. It's what gets us all through the hard times. Just be there.
Pat

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• By robinwd
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 11:06 am
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Gatnu, I really want to encourage you NOT to give up your own social activities. To be a caregiver doesn't mean having to sacrifice everything that you enjoy. It is important for you to maintain your outside relationships and interests so that you CAN be an effective caregiver. Agree that her doctor needs to be aware of what is going on and hopefully will prescribe some meds that will help. In a way, she is grieving....and the desire to hide is normal, but it can't continue. And, gotta tell you, my youngest daughter reacted the same way----her husband actually had to calm her down because she was actually yelling at me when I broke the news. But that was her way of dealing with the shock----she then became my most ardent and loyal advocate and companion throughout my treatment. Good luck and prayers for you and yours.

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• By gatnus
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 11:17 am
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Robinwd

Thank you for your reply. It means quite a bit to me.

I have to remain strong to handle what we are up against but all the e mails I am receiving from this group has certainly helped considerably.

Gatnus

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• By amanda-100
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 12:13 pm
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Gatnus,
It is so hard I know, my hubby was diagnosed in Aug this year with nsc IV and we both hibernated for about a month, just didn't want to do or see anyone but as time went on I realised that 1) I couldn't be 100% there for him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 2) He decided that the 4 walls were just closing in on him. So now, I have one evening a week where I go out or sit in the bath or whatever just me time, even if it is just for an hour and at least once a week we go out for lunch even if its just the two of us or just a drive anything. Starting treatment was so positive because you feel like you are fighting back and of course the meds are important too.

Talking is so hard as something becomes real once the words are said but our way of dealing with friends is to say it's not operable but containable, well that is what we are praying for, positive thinking!

Gatnus take care of yourself too, I didn't and suffered but am now listening to my body too not just his and if I need to sleep well that is what I do. Praying that treatment starts soon for your wife
Take care
Mandy xx

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• By linda22
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 2:36 pm
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Hi Gatnus,

I like your name! I also agree with the comments from the other posts. Not only is there support and love here, but lots of other kinds of support as well. I am so sorry for you and your family. It is understandable. I lost both of my parents to lung cancer and now I have a rare lung cancer called BAC. I never smoked. If I could say one thing in regards to your son being so angry. Actually, it is probably more hurt because he loves his mom so much. When my mom was diagnosed, nobody was angry, just devastated. I have four sisters and one brother and believe me, we spent years and years begging my parents to quit smoking. It wasn't even known to cause lung cancer at that time. My mother would have four or five cigarettes burning in ashtrays in different rooms in the house at the same time!!! As children, we would go through the house pouring her Pepsi into the ashtrays putting out the smoke and making a huge mess. We also got the cartons and tied yarn to them and hung them outside our bedroom windows trying to hide them until the neighbors called our parents because they thought we were smoking! We did way more then just this to try and get them to stop smoking. They could not quit in time. Because your wife is in the same age range as my parents, I believe she probably started smoking way before anyone knew how deadly they are. I place a huge percentage of blame on the TOBACCO INDUSTRY and some responsibility on the smokers. The guilt, shame and depression that goes along with smoking when things go wrong, is awful. I would feel horrible if my child yelled at me for not being able to quit smoking, after I was diagnosed with lung cancer. Of course it is understandable for the child to do this, I am just saying the smoker gets a double whammy. This addiction from what I know is so hard to kick. Again, I put the blame on the TOBACCO INDUSTRY for greed of money over life. Obviously, I am an anti-smoking person who puts 97% of the responsibility on the TOBACCO INDUSTRY. I will say many prayers for your wife, you and your son. Lina

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• By gatnus
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 7:26 pm
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Linda22

Your words were well put. I agree with you on all that you said...........she lived during a time smoking was shown everywhere...in the movies, on commercials (even Doctors said which cigarettes were best).

I cannot blame her for starting to smoke but later in life when she was aware of what was going on, she should have stopped but didn;t (it will never happen to ME)......but...that was life then.

Thanks for writing

Gatnus

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• By Marylou1
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 10:11 pm
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Dear Gatnus:

A cancer diagnosis is a shock to all of us. Each of us react differently, where your wife is hiding, I started my research, and started to choose doctors.

In a few weeks when treatment starts, she may very well settle down into a routine and accept the fact that she needs this treatment to survive and fight this beast.

All of us are different in the way we are treated as well. Different Chemo or Meds for certain things. In the meantime, perhaps you can educate yourself on some of the Chemo cocktails (as we like to call them).

Also, perhaps you can have a heart to heart with your son, and ask him to show some compassion for his mom. Some people smoke all their lives and never get cancer. Please don't think I condone it, I don't but it is not the only reason people get lung cancer.

In the meantime, perhaps you can find a few inspiring stories here at Inspire to share with your wife.

Long story, short, I was diagnosed in January of 2007, had chemo to shrink tumor, surgery to remove tumor June 2007, January 2008 PET scan showed cancer came back.

Since January of 2008, I have been on a Targeted Therapy Chemo pill that is working very well. I am 71 years young and do pretty much anything I want to do, including taking my little great grandson on trips this entire summer.

There are many good treatments out there. If you and your wife are not happy down the road with her Oncologist, seek a second opinion. I did.

"DON'T STOP BELIEVING.
Love to all,
Marylou

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• By gatnus
• Posted November 5, 2009 at 10:31 pm
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Marylou:

If the love shown on this discussion group can heal, all of us would get better.

Your stories all are helping me cope with this and I thank you all especially knowing that the beast has touched us all but you do not let that stop you from telling your stories.

Thanks for the help...it makes life a "little" easier to accept.

Peace be with you

Gatnus

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• By kq182
• Posted November 6, 2009 at 1:28 am
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Dear Gatnus, well you have been welcomed and given alot of good advise from the other posters. What your wife is going through is normal, she is depressed and rightfully so.
When my husband was first diagnosed he spoke about killing himself, with a gun. I was a wreck. He was only 43 years old, non-smoker, and was given 6 months to live by the surgeon that did his biopsy. I had to call the oncologist's office and BEGGED them to get my husband in quicker than was scheduled, I explained that I was truly afraid that he was going to take his own life. Well thank God, the onc's office fit us in the very next day, and he was able to speak to a kind, caring doctor who explained radiation and chemo to us, and he immediately prescribed an anti-depressant, Zoloft, and pain meds for my husband. Thank God he ended up fighting with all he had, and went through radiation and chemo, and was appreciative for all the care he was given by all, including me, unfortuneatly we were not one of the surviors, my husband who was 44 in July, died 9 months after being diagnosed in Jan 09.
Please just love and support your wife as I know you will, it is not going to be easy, and she did not deserve to get cancer just because she smoked, my husband and many others get lung cancer and NEVER smoked.
Please get her to the doctor as soon as possible, ask alot of questions, take notes, and have her start treatment, hopefully he will prescribe an antidepressant and or anxiety meds, what ever it takes to have her feel better.
Take care, you and your wife are in my prayers, Karen

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• By HighlandGuy
• Posted November 6, 2009 at 1:38 am
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Gatmus

I was 78 when I was diagnosed with advanced prostate, the most aggresive form of bladder cancer, and an extremely fast growing (six time normal) adenocarcinoma, albeit State 1B. That was nine years ago.

Certainly I have lost some QOL, more with simply age related situations.

Breast cancer today, is rarely a problem. She also needs to have a positive diagnoses of colon cancer, before being to concerned. I know you were concernced with QOL with the removal of the left lung. I had COPD that left me with 42% of lung capacity. The lobectomy removed 25% of my lung and unbelievably, because of our wonderful body, the remaining lung (with more space to function) became more efficient. I remain today, with 42% of lung capacity. Sure I am very easily breathless. I walk a mile on the treadmill every morning at a rate of a mile in 23 minutes. Today I am not even on any oxygen.

Oh, did I mention, in a few months I will be 86 years old.

HighlandGuy

PS: I had to fight like you can't believe to get the doctors to operate on my cancers, because I had just came off of Quadruple Coronary Open Heart Bypass Surgery and had the severe COPD. Isn't it marvelous, what the human body can withstand?

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• By kkwv
• Posted November 6, 2009 at 8:24 am
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Gatnus, When my husband was diagnosed with LC, someone asked if I was angry that he had been a smoker. My answer was that anger wouldn't help him or me, and this was definitely not the time to create tension between us. Do I wish he hadn't smoked? Of course! But he just turned 70, and as you have said, smoking used to be everywhere -- in the movies, restaurants, etc. Please tell your son that his mother needs his compassion and caring now, not anger. Please know you can come to this site for lots of support.

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