Telling teenagers and children

janofc
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I am just curious as to what others have said to their children about a loved one. My 9 year old is kind of easy I know about what to say to her because of her age, but my boys 15 and 17 are a different story. We live down the street from my Dad. I have told all of them that it is very serious and they need to spend a lot of time with their Grandfather. He is more of a father to them than their own father. I am sure a lot of the care fall on my shoulders just because I am 4 houses down and my sisters live away. I just don't know how much I should tell them. Any ideas?

12 replies

Carol40

Hi,

When my mother was ill with SCLC I told my 12 year old son little by little what was going on. When she had problems walking I would tell him that. When her esophogus was burnt and she couldn't eat I would tell him that. When she was getting weaker and had a hard time getting out of bed I would tell him that. I did it little by little so it wasn't such a shock.

My husband's first wife had lung cancer and passed away when she was 29. He thought I should have told our son everything right off the bat when she was diagnosed but, I knew in my heart it wasn't the right thing to do and I'm glad I listened to myself.

Every child is different. Hope this helps.

Carol

janofc

That is kind of what I have been doing with the 15 and 9 year olds. The 15 year old is very close to my Dad. The 17 year old has basically been told everything up to the last information.

lesliem

HI, we lost my mom to this terrible disease almost 1 year ago. She was the closest of all 4 grandparents to my girls. They are now 10 and 5. We kept it simple, encouraged them to spend as much time with her as possible, and gave them bits and pieces as we went along the journey. HOWEVER, we are still learning....just a few months ago, as we were studying vocabulary for school, we had the word "contagious", as I explained the definition, we talked about how a cold could be contagious, or you could catch the chicken pox from your sister, my 10 year old spoke up and said "or lung cancer". I almost cried in front of her...we never thought to tell her she couldn't catch it from her grandmother!!!! Please let them all know its not contagious!!!
You and your family are in my prayers.
Leslie

Jolene

Every child is unique in the way they handle stress and sorrow, just as we adults are. I think the 15 and 17 year olds need to be told the truth about his illness in steps, but, the steps need to progress IF your dad's illness does. The 9 year old is a tender age and the information, although he needs to know Grandpa is very sick, must also be given more information about what lung cancer is and that he can still hug and kiss Grandpa.

We need to remember that children with cancer know the truth from a very, very young age. We lost our nine year old cousin Jared to brain cancer and he not only knew he had a serious illness, he was fully aware weeks before he past that he was not going to live.
This gave him time to ask questions, to go through all the processes adults are given the chance to. It is a crushing situation, but, children are wiser that we know.

You sound like a wise and caring mother. I think you will know when it is the right time to give more information. It it not having any information that is harmful and leaves the child unprepared. Hugs Jolene

WIgirl

This is kind of what we've been doing with my younger sister, she is 16. We try to be as truthful as possible with her. Its difficult because I know there are certain things she is afraid to ask my parents, and there are certain things that they are afraid to tell her. I think its important to remember that although they are not adults, they are not kids either. They have enough experience in life to know that cancer is serious, but at the same time there are so many cancers that are curable now that they may not realize how serious lung cancer can be.

I encourage my sister to ask questions, if she asks I always tell her the truth, and explain things to the best of my ability. I think the biggest thing she struggles with is the potential loss of her dad. She asked me once if Dad would be around for her graduation (two years away). I just told her that we don't know what the future holds, and I can't tell her that everything will be ok,because I don't know if it will. She should just make the best out of each day with Dad.

MikeF

Our situation is a little different as our son was seven when his mom was diaganoised. As the disease has progressed we have done our best to inform him of what was happening and what the future held. We have always thought it best for him to know that time was short and not to take anything for granted.

Looking back, I am very happy we shared with him what is happening. He has been to chemo treatment, radiation and loved his mom the whole journey.

Mom is stage IV and the disease is progressing more everyday. She is not taking treatment any longer and trying to have the best summer with our son that is possible. It has been a long 3 1/2 years, but we have all learned to love in a much deeper way.

As others have shared, each kid is different and you have to judge what is best for them both short term and long term.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

janofc

Thanks for all the encouragement. It helps to know that others have been in the same spot and what they have done.

jacqsnjamesmom

WOW.. i think we are living parallel lives... my mom has lung cancer, my daughter is 9 and we live 4 doors down the street, and i have one sibling that lives on the west coast... my daughter is VERY close with my mom and i was TERRIFIED to tell her.. i met with a child psychologist, whose advise to me was to be as honest and as age appropriate as possible.. and to "follow her lead".. if she asked questions.. answer them honestly, if she changed the subject, allow her to change the subject...
and honestly, it went better than i had expected... my daughter being A type personality, needs to know the wheres, why and hows.. asked alot of questions, and i was as honest and age appropriate as i could be.
I so sympathize with your pain... my prayers are with you.
take care of yourself.
Wendy

Cork

I went through this same thing last Sunday. I have three girls. They are 10, 7, and 4. The 10 year old is a thinker and worrier. They are closer to my mom than any other family member outside of our immediate family. I told them each basically the same thing, just a little different version, based on age and personality.

First of all, I told my girls alone. I said something to the effect of "They found our what was wrong with EE (that's what they call my mom). She has a spot on her lung. It is called lung cancer. The cancer is only in ONE spot, which is good, and they found it EARLY which is also good. There is a medicine called chemo that can make it go away. You need to pray that the chemo works and that the cancer doesn't come back."

I didn't focus, at this point, on the fact that it could come back, how devastating that could be, etc. I tried to tell them the truth. They know that cancer is bad. They know you can die from it. We can talk about that stuff later, after the shock wears off. I am hoping my mom will have a great survivor story to tell about SCLC in a few years.

Cork

Alissa

We have 3 boys. My husband was 42 when he was diagnosed. Our oldest was 12, middle was 10 and the youngest was 4. I vowed to always be honest with them because their trust in me would hold us together. I told them each separately that Daddy was "sick" and let them ask their own questions. This has enabled them to keep up as they are ready for more details and to feel safe. I also don't have to keep secrets or stop conversations when they enter a room.

It's now over 2 and 1/2 years and each kid gets it at their own level and are living lives with their dad for as long as we can hold the beast off.

janofc

Thanks for all the input. It really helps.

amymaura

Hi janofc,

I'm getting to this discussion late because I have been away but I wanted to tell you about a cool resource I learned about for teens at a recent conference. The website: www.cancerreallysucks.org was designed by teenagers for teenagers who have a loved one going through the disease. They have live chats hosted by people living with cancer, doctors, and other helpful people that teens can ask questions to and they can also interact with other teens.

Teens are a tricky population. I would say be honest with them and try to make them feel comfortable asking questions when they have them - and then answer then as honestly as possible.

Hope this helps.

Amy

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