Re; I finally figured out why the family stays away!

I was just thinking, and thought I would write a little something about myself. I think I am in the mood for a pity party so thought you might like to join me. For those of you out there who get into hearing of what I call cruelty, maybe it is just a word, and what it really means in my case is lack of understanding, although I misinterpret, and think it is cruel, and unloving. I wondered what it is about my own mother, and sister in my family, that they feel the need to abandon me. I really do not like to think like this, but there really is no other explanation. I get no calls from them, they do not want to come to visit, nor do they invite me ever to their house. Which is a beautiful warm and sunny part of florida they live in. I have invited them here with me many times, my mother refuses to come, she has her own share of problems, and she is getting older.. She also is on Oxygen like me, and she hates it , she has COPD. So she also has all of the anxiety that goes with that. She does do her grocery shopping alone, and drives, so it is not that she can't come, she won't come. My sister has come a few times and lets it be known it is an inconvenience when she is here. I went to there place last summer, uninvited to help them, since my mother had taken a fall, and my sister wanted to take her trip she had planned to las Vegas. I volunteered to help my mother, they live together in florida in the same house. I went to florida with my partner who I live with John. We were not treated very well, we stayed 3 weeks, and really was very glad to leave. I could tell my mother felt I was dirty because I had lung cancer, she made it very clear. I had a few episodes while I was there where I was couging pretty bad, I didn't realize it at the time, but I had pneumonia while I was there.. I cried because she never came out on the patio to see if I was alright, I started to choke on some food I was eating, and ran outside thinking I could breathe better. Did she come to check on me? No, she did not. She immediately, and I think it looked as if she was very nervous began doing dishes. I got control of the choking, and could see inside through the glass windows her just rapidly washing dishes with her good arm, the other one was broken. This is my meaning of the word cruelty, what would you call it? The purpose in this writing is to let it out that there is cruelty still in this world, and it can come at any time, and from your own family. My question to you, anyone who took the time to read this, is how do I continue to have faith in people? How do I continue to think I have a reason I was given extra time to live for? I never in a million years thought the two people left in my entire family would desert me. I was wrong. Thanks for reading. it is just another bad night for me.
God bless Sandy

By easterbaby
Posted October 6, 2009 at 1:27 am
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Oh Sandy, we feel your pain. I think sometimes my sisters have abondoned my younger sister who has lung cancer. They do watch after my Mom who is 83 and has the beginnings of alzheimers but none of them live with her. We were suppose to move Mom in with one of them so that we all could focus our energies on my sister but seems like I am the only one doing that. I would hate it if I was my sister's shoes. My younger brother has not even called in her months. I want to scream at them and say she has cancer, what do you not understand?

I did tell the other ones when my sister got sick that they could watch Mom and I would look after my sister but that didn't mean don't call her to check up on her. She did so well with the chemo and radiation but now weeks later is in pain from the radiation.

It just makes me mad when I think it about it so I try not to think about it and just be sure I am there when my sister needs me. She would never ask them but come on. We all grew up together. We know each other like the back of our hand. Why does she have to ask?

By cuddles53
Posted October 6, 2009 at 1:42 am
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Dear Easterbaby,
I don't know what it is about families that do this kind of thing. The only thing I can think of is taht they are scared themselves, that the fear of themselves being vulnerable far outweighs any urge to help me. I am so not understanding it, and really feel bad abouty this. i do have a daughter and I have not let on to her how I feel about my mother and sisrter, My daughter is busy I am proud of her she is in her 30's and is in nursing school, she also has a family so she is very busy, she was great when I needed her with my treatments and would come when i would call her. But the other 2 left, and that is it for me with any family, they just are amzing to me. I wa sin the hoitasl and the doc told myu daughter they didn't think was going to pull thjough, this was when It was first discovered i had so many blood clots. My daughter was right on the phone calling them telling them they better come, and soon, things were not looking good, they would not come. I have a real tough time with this, I do talk on the phone on occasion with them, but it is always them who have to get off the phone pretty quck. I think as I said, they are very scared of this disease, it is all I can think of,. i always thought we were very close so this just threw me for a loop.I still don't know how I am supposed to handle this. do I call them, do Ilet them know I am mad at them about this, or do I write them off and forget about them? I don't seem to be abler to do this. I keep finidng every winter i want to go there and stay, even if it means getting our own place and not staying with them. but then I think how stupid can I possibly be, they obviously don't want me around why do I feel the need to go??
?thanks for answring my pst. god bless you and your omother, I hope your brother and sisters do wake up and spend the time with her, this must be hurting your sister very deeply. I am sure she may not say anything, I was quiet about this for a long time, I need to let it out and get it out of my system. She has got to be feeling pretty hurt by thier reaction also. I am finding it is not as uncommon as I thought. We do hear many people and how wonderful the family was when they got sick, I just wonder why not mine?
God bless. God has been here for me this is who pulled me through the tough days I had.
Sandy

By texaszan
Posted October 6, 2009 at 2:24 am
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Sandy, my husband's brother and two of his sons completely abandoned him while he was sick. I have no idea why but I think it has to do with selfishness more than anything. They simply didn't want to be bummed out or be asked to do anything that might take time away from their own lives. what gave me faith in the human race was the way many of the nurses treated him. There was such kindness in some of them and you could tell they truly cared about this person they hardly knew. It was in such sharp contrast to his own family, but it's through them I realized it's all about who you are at your core. Some people are simply too selfish to see outside their own little bubble whereas others not only see the suffering of others but actually devote their lives to helping people they don't even know. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time getting the attention and love you deserve at this the most challenging time of your life, but it's vital you realize it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It's not because you are unworthy of their love, it's because they are too wrapped up in themselves to see what they are doing to you. They probably love you as much as they are capable of but they may not have a lot to give because they're so self centered and scared. Have you tired simply asking them what the deal is? maybe they need a wake up call because right now it sounds like they're asleep. It didn't do any good when I asked David's relatives, they just made excuses and went on with their horrible behavior but perhaps you'll get a different result.

By prathergirl
Posted October 6, 2009 at 4:04 am
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I'm so sorry , Sandy . I don't know any of the dynamics of your family... if it's always been this way or if they suddenly abandoned you when learning you had cancer. So many factors can come into play. Some love and never learned how to show it.. others really are so self centered they are in complete denial of another family members serious illness. Others become so scared they immediately begin to distance with the thought it will hurt less later when they lose someone. But like I said, I don't know the history of your family. I know it's not at all the same, but, you are family to US and we adore you. And you went another path than your family did... You don't abandon people as evidenced by how you give your heart to all on this site and we need you ! I hope things turn around with your family, but, your post sounded like this might go way back as opposed to a phase ? If they saw you in the way we do they would see your strength , kindness, and invaluable help you give to others and they would know how proud of you they should be. And for as bad as they make you feel , maybe the way they treat you is a blessing in disguise.. Maybe it is the reason you have so much fight in you ! But , if you get really PO'd and want us to send them some letters with a few choice words to let them know you are much too special to be treated badly, let us know :)
Carla

By GutsyCheryl
Posted October 6, 2009 at 5:27 am
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My Dearest Sandy,

Just because we're related to them doesn't mean they're automatically good people ....... my family, with the exception of my beautiful, loving sister, is a complete train wreck ....... the most dysfunctional, sick, twisted mess of a family I have ever seen ........ and I have very, very little to do with them because of that. They have treated me badly and hurt me and that's why they do not get to be a part of my life.

I have other people that are my family now ........ other people that love me and I love them. You are one of them. And tons of people love you and NEED you, including me ....... and THAT is why you go on living. You are such a beautiful woman with so much to offer ...... God, I wish you could see it !!!! If you felt about yourself and saw yourself the way I see you and feel about you, you would be the happiest woman on earth with self-esteem shooting through the roof! I know others would say exactly the same thing. It's such a shame how hard we are on ourselves.

As far as your family members go, there is nothing wrong with you ..... there is definitely something wrong with them. They obviously have some serious "issues" to behave that way and treat another human being in such a manner. Maybe it has something to do with you, maybe it doesn't. Either way, I understand it still hurts. We always seem to think we should be able to count on our family ..... but so often that isn't the case ....... and I think it's a lot more common than we realize. You're definitely not alone, honey. I've shared some things with you about my mom .... and you were so helpful to me with that situation ..... you made me feel like I had a mom. I remember thinking, "why can't my mom talk to me like Sandy does?". But she can't ..... and she never will. I think that's why God puts people like you in my life.

I know you have been having a hard time lately .... but it won't stay this way .... you know it won't. Just like when times are great, that never lasts either .... that's why you have to really enjoy it when it happens. But the same goes for the bad, rough times ...... they pass, too.

It's gonna be ok, I promise.

I love you,
Cheryl

By cards7up
Posted October 6, 2009 at 6:42 am
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So sad and true that family can be cruel. Sometimes I think it's because they fear they will be next or don't want to be touched by the pain. Or as others have said, just plain selfish. I had a hard time with my brother when my mother was just starting her journey. I had an argument with him and don't regret it, because the next day he was at my mother's and was shocked at how sick she had become. They start living their own lives and a phone call sometimes is a chore for them. Some people just don't have it in them to put their lives on hold to help others. It hurts but don't let it control your life. I currently help a 92 y.o. lady I've known over 20 yrs, who just went in to rehab because of a fall. Thankfully she didn't break anything. I go see her at least 4-5 times a week and take care of her apartment for her. I also help her 87 y.o. sister with paperwork for her. This lady though married, never had children and she can be very selfish. But I don't feel I can abandon her and she's not even related to me, though she feels like she is. I'm very close with my two sisters and stay in touch with my three brothers, but obviously it's the sister thing with us. I love my family and will take the first step everytime if need be. But this is just me. Just wondering if anyone has ever talked to their families about their feelings-sometimes this can clear the air. Communication is key in life! Take care all, JC

By pkb
Posted October 6, 2009 at 7:54 am
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Sandy, I've had this too. Our daughtesr were very attentive when Bob was first diagnosed and came when he was in the hospital and came to go to chemo. They are concerned but I know they get tired of it. Sometimes I think people avoid the situation because it reminds them of their own mortality. I think our daughters want things to be normal and avoidance is one way to do that. I know that people don't always know what to say or do when someone else is hurtig. I'm sorry you've been hurt by your family but don't let their discomfort about your illness depress. You're too good a person!

By linbur
Posted October 6, 2009 at 7:59 am
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Sandy, I am so sorry your family is not there for you but your family here is. You can express what you feel anytime and we will listen.
Maybe you should show your post to your family as they may respond better if they know how you feel.

By Barb267
Posted October 6, 2009 at 8:07 am
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When you say "How do I continue to think I have a reason I was given extra time to live for?" How about John? I bet he is happy with every minute he gets to spend with you. How about all the people here that you have helped and without you would have had a harder journey. You are everyones cheerleader. You support and lift the spirits of everyone here. You are part of all of our extended family and we are all so very greatful to have you.

I have two sisters. My older sister has called me everyday since I was diagnosed. I can remember waking up in my room after having my ULL and she was sitting there and said "Do you remember when you had cancer?" She has always been so positive that I am going to win this battle. Then there is my younger sister. I never hear a word from her. And when I so, its all about her. My dearest friend never calls. When I do call to talk to her, her excuse is she doesn't know if I am sleeping and doesn't want to wake me by calling. I try not to focus on who don't give a crap and know how lucky I am to not only have my husband who is my rock, but my older sister. I also have other friends that are my biggest fans. They are always there for me. And like Cheryl, they are my extended family and this journey would have sucked without them. And without everyone here.

Just know that we all think you rock and love and care about you. You are a bright spot in this ugly trip we have all been forced to take and I am so glad the you are part of my life.

Brightest of blessing,
Barb

By kkhadder
Posted October 6, 2009 at 8:59 am
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I know how this is painful and hard. When my husband was diagnosed...my sisters seem to really want to rally and help. But when it got ugly ...they disappeared. I mean they made obligatory phone calls every once in awhile but did they bring meals or check on us? They all live within 15 min of our home.... nope. My neighbors brought more love, support, and meals than anyone...so to answer your question. .. I have changed my definition of "family"....as mine is the people who show love and support but are not related to us.

By Jim08
Posted October 6, 2009 at 9:18 am
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Sandy,
You are a kind and giving person. You are important to me and many here. Your value is beyond question. Please don't let your family diminish you.

By marilou122
Posted October 6, 2009 at 9:23 am
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Strangers treat me better than family and the more I know some people (including family) the better I like my dog! Keep the faith, ignore the cruel people and have a lot of humor....thats what I do. It works.

By ILIVEFORTHEM
Posted October 6, 2009 at 9:24 am
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We were given time or given a notice by the man. Don't waste it on grudges or negetive feelings. Go outside tonight, watch the sunset and appreciate what you do have.

By pw
Posted October 6, 2009 at 9:24 am
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Hi Sandy-
Families are funny and strange and I have to agree with an earlier post in that sometimes family members just can't deal with the word Cancer. My family, thank goodness was there for my husband all the time. Called at least twice a week, offered help with getting to treatments or taking my 5 year old for awhile so we could have a break, etc. My husband's family on the other hand barely called. In the 9 years he was battling this disease, I think if they called more than once a month, it was a lot. Granted, they live an hour and a half away but his parents are retired and his sisters dont work. It would be my husband calling them to say that his treatment went well or his scans were ok. I never understood it but thats just the way they are. They are extremely religious so maybe they thought the prayers and healing cards were enough. I think NOT!!! A simple phone call is all we ever wanted. My husband was so good to his family and he never got the respect he deserved. I am sad for that reason but I know that again, my family was always here for him and so was I, that brings me some peace!

So I am not really sure what to say except focus on staying well because we all know stress isn't good for our immune systems!!! God Bless you!

By PattyLynn
Posted October 6, 2009 at 9:34 am
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I know somewhat of how you feel. My brother and I were really close through the years. He is 10 years older and like a father to me. Since my dx he has really distanced himself from me. He rarely calls and if he does he talks for all of maybe 2 minutes and then gives his wife the phone. It REALLY hurts. My sister on the other hand has been very supportive - almost to the extreme opposite.

We have been through so much the past 9 years. My Mom was dx with lung cancer in Dec 2000. During her workup prior to surgery they determined she also had ovarian cancer. They operated on the ovaries and colon first since that grows more rapidly than the lung cancer. While healing from that surgery, the lung cancer metastisized to her bone. She had chemo but it was not successful. She was 73 years old and passed within 4 months of dx in April 2001.

While she was fighting for her life, my father (they were divorced) was dx with stomach cancer. He put off surgery until a month after Mom passed so we could have a little time to heal. After he had a stomach resection, he went on chemo through a port. After the first treatment he got extremely ill and was hospitalized with blood poisoning most likely stemming from the port. So he said no more chemo - take it out. A year later the cancer returned in his liver and bile ducts. He suffered for a few months and passed away in Jan 2003.

What a nightmare. My sister, brother and I helped each other with our parents care. But after Dad passed it seemed like our family drifted apart. And then in 2007 I get dx with nsclc. What a mess.

My friends also seem to have disappeared. Except for one friend, they don't call or visit. When I do run into them they never even ask me how I am doing. Ugh.

I try not to let it get to me. I thank the Lord that I have a caring, compassionate, fantastic husband; two wonderful daughters and three grandsons that are the light of my life. I know I am lucky even though I do not feel so at times.

Sandy, focus on the caring people around you. John, your daughter and grandkids and your LCA community. You are a beautiful person. You are always compassionate and caring. I do not normally post much but I do read the boards. I always look forward to your posts. Know that we all love you and care about you here. I will pray for your inner peace.

Love, hugs and prayers, Pat

By pilot27k
Posted October 6, 2009 at 9:50 am
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Hi Sandy,
I think what you are experiencing is not uncommon in families. Although my dad's brothers and sisters know of my dad's advanced cancer, only one sister calls him. The rest have never bothered to call him or visit him since his May diagnosis. For all they knew he could have been dead by now. Even worse his eldest daughter who lives on the same street will not visit or inquire as to his health. She conveniently forgot his birthday this year. Again, it could be his last as far as she knows. Sometimes I think family members are the worst because they have years of built up jealously and resentment.

But please have faith that there are good people. It only takes a few to light up the world. Look what Jesus did for us.

I would come and visit you if I lived in New York...:D

Take care,
Melissa

By tiffmomiff
Posted October 6, 2009 at 9:58 am
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you were one of the first people that i talked to when i got on this site. you are VERY needed! i wonder if you are the reason that your daughter is going to nursing school? our "family" doesn't have to be people that are genetically related to us. they are simply the people that care for us tremendously. yes, this is sad, but don't focus on it and let it out weigh the good in your life. you are a miracle and god loves you more than anyone else on this earth. he has decided that this is where you belong during this time. (i don't mean to preach but you need to know that you are a very special person). keep doing what you are doing and do what is right in your heart, without wondering what, if any love will be given in return. i know this is incredibly difficult but i also understand. i am an only child and my parents were divorced when i was two. my biological father chose many other things over wanting to be my father. i am perfectly fine with this now, since i was seven i have had the most amazing step dad (i even feel guilty putting the word step in front of it). he has been there for me always.....love the people that love you back.....xo

By peace33
Posted October 6, 2009 at 10:03 am
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Sandy,

I do think this is common in families, and that doesn't make it any easier. But please know you are so special to all of us - you've helped us all so much with your wisdom, advice and humor. And we care about and pray for you everyday!

Just know this is an issue with your family, NOT YOU, and carry on being the special person you are:)

Love, Amy

By Denise2Dogs
Posted October 6, 2009 at 10:13 am
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Hi Sandy,
I too felt abandoned by my family except my mother, son, and one sister. I agree with an earlier post, the people who neglect us are scared and/or selfish. I managed to get the love I needed from my 2 dogs and the 3 people mentioned above. I smoked pot & cigarettes for 8 years in my youth and I think my "Christian" family thinks that I inflicted the lung cancer on myself and they have no sympathy for someone so self destructive. They are hypocrites. But that's another subject for another day. Try to focus on the people who DO care and love you, forget about the rest. It is very hard to change a person. You can't force a person to show compassion.
Peace,
Denise

By Kymomof4
Posted October 6, 2009 at 10:26 am
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Sandy,

I agree with everyone above!!!!

I am truly sorry for what your family is doing to you!! I agree with the post above about have a new definition of family and one of friends as well. I know Chelsea is going through this with her "BEST FRIEND" they have been together since first grade. Although her friend has a baby now and as Chelsea calls it "A worthless boyfriend". She never hardly ever calls or comes to see her....only in the beginning when there is the first word of diagnosis "Cancer" does all family and friends crawl out of the woodwork.... But it is the ones rather related or not, that show their true selves the duration of the diagnosis.... (I hope that makes sense) The ones who run away are cowards to me....The ones who stay in contact are your "real" family and friends....

I have even called my daughter's friends and said "look you all promised her you would be with her every step of the way (not minute) and yet you have not called her in over a month to see how she is doing and you call yourself her friend???" I tell them Chelsea is extremely scared and frightened and needs you more now than ever! I also tell them I know they have busy lives, but a phone call or to even stop by whenever they want, because they don't need an invitation ever!!! I am also bold in telling them, not that I want Chelsea's life to be short lived, but they better spend as much time with her as possible, because one day....they just might regret not doing so and that they won't be able to go back and change things.... I know sounds kind of ballsy of me to say... but I see how it effects my daughter and I can't stand by and let it happen without opening my big mouth!!

However I have always been told that, you can't change the way people behave, only the way is to change the way "you" deal with them...

We all Love you Sandy and look forward to your advice/opinion...

I think we are family here and always will be.... I say we need to plan some type of a family reunion so we can all get to meet one another and give one another much needed hugs!!! (maybe that's a little far stretched, but it would be nice if we could!)

Lots of Love and (((HUGS)))

Brenda and Chelsea

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