My Dad.. the end is near

KMR
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Dad has fought lung cancer now since Feb of 07. His Drs told his then said 6 months to a year. Dad had to go into the Hospice Center Thanksgiving morning at 2:30am. He had fallen two or three times, started seeing things, reaching out for things, forgetting things. What can I say about Hospice - they are the most caring people I have ever dealt with. Dad slept most of the day - he would wake for 5 mins and then go straight back to sleep. He remembers nothing of the night before. It's so sad to see him laying in bed - the nurse told me it would take 2 -3 days and she could pin point exactly how much time he would have. She said it could be 3 days - to two weeks. I just don't want him to continue to be in this stage - he would not like knowing people were dropping in to see him. He would rather them remember him as an active man working in his garden. He was so well loved by the community and his church for so many years. I want to wish everyone going through this peace and a blessed holiday season.

Katherine

41 replies

Marie400

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. My Dad passed away at a beautiful Hospice House. The staff is very caring, considerate and kind. Your Dad will not suffer while he is there. Sleeping alot is an indication that your Dad's body is transitioning. I'm sure Hospice explained this to you. Don't hesitate to ask them anything - they are there for you and your family as well as your Dad.

Peace go with your Dad - take care.

KMR

Thank you for your kind words.... spoke to Mom this morning - he slept through the night - he woke this morning - ate a little bit of breakfast and back to sleep he went. She said the Social Worker came and was asking when I was coming back to town that she wanted to chat with me. I will be going back on Sunday. I wonder what she wants to talk to me about.
I live 2 hours away. So I have been going back and forth - still have one child at home - plus I work. It's been really hard trying to keep it all going. If I can ask what took place with your Dad....

Katherine

Marie400

I'm sure she just wants to talk to you about your Dad and also about your Mom. Hospice offers programs after the death of a loved one for family members. They have different grief programs, which I understand are very helpful. I did not participate in one because I didn't think I needed it, but lots of people do and it's good to realize you may need help with your grief.

I actually joined this website because my Mom was dx'd with lung cancer this past July. She passed away on October 6.

My Dad had colon cancer. He was dx'd in late February of this year - stage 3b. He had surgery, which went well, but due to his advanced COPD he could not recover. 8 days after surgery we moved him to the William Childs Hospice House. He died the next evening. He was 75.

He would have wanted it that way. He had already decided he would have the surgery, but no chemo. His colon cancer had already metastized to his abdomen and that could not be surgically removed. He lived with my husband and I for several years, so distance was not a problem and we have no young children at home.

I was not with him when he died, which really upset me. I had gone home, intending to return to the Hospice House shortly. I wasn't home 15 minutes when they called me to come back. I only live 10 minutes away, but when I got there he had already passed. Again, this is what he would have wanted.

My Dad always preferred his own company to anyone elses, with the possible exception of my step-mother, but she died 12 years ago. So it made sense that he would die when no family members were present. When I had left the Hospice House he was breathing evenly, peacefully and this is how he passed.

As I said, I know this is the way he would have wanted it. Although I miss him terribly, I console myself knowing he did everything his way. And I get signs from him, but that's another story!

Good luck to you and your Mom. Death of a parent is something we know we will likely face in our lives, but it is still hard to accept. And you do the best you can do - we still have responsibilities to manage. Kids still need to go to school, people need to be fed, we still have to go work.

pattyp1

dearest, dearest Katherine,
I am so sorry that your family has to go through this - it is very tough - I wish I had some wise words to give you - all I have is that I hope you are taking good care of yourself and find a neighbor to park the kids with so you can take a break.
hugs
Pat

KMR

Marie,

Your words have helped me so much... I feel guilty for being back in Atlanta and not in SC. Like I have said I still have a 13 year old at home - a husband that has to travel with his job and I work full time. My saving grace is that I work from home.... so I can pretty much drop what I'm doing to get back home if need be. I'm an only child and I should be able to hold down the fort, but I totally lost it yesterday when I saw my father - hooked up to oxygen and sleeping, he looked so sad... you are correct life does go on and you can't stop your every day living. My father is a lot like yours - he didn't want anyone seeing him like this - wanted no one to come and sit with him. He told my husband he was ready two weeks ago to leave and meet his maker. I just don't want him to lay there day in and day out. I'm ready for the Lord to take him home. The longer this goes on the harder it gets.

Thanks for your kind words...

Marie400

If your Dad has decided his fight is over and he's ready to complete this journey and move on to the next, I don't think you will need to worry about him just lying there day in and day out. In other words, I believe when someone has decided they're ready it doesn't take them very long to go.

Take comfort knowing your Dad is ready to leave this life. That knowledge is what helped me move forward in my grief for my Dad. I'm sending you a big hug -

KMR

Marie,
My concern is my Mother not letting go. She continues to comfort him and try to get him to eat and tells him everything is okay and that he will get better.
I feel he thinks he has to hang on for her. Although, deep down he knows he ready. I have talked to my mother about this and I have told her she needs to take a couple steps and think this all through - she needs to tell him it's okay to let go and be in a better place - just think about the next journey he will have.... much better place. It is draining me... I just don't want to see him go through this each day. I want him at peace. Not waking up for 5 mins and asking where or what and then drifting back to sleep.
I know I must sound so cold and mean, but I truly am not. I just think this has been a long year on all of us and the time is near, and we have got to let go - all of us....

Marie400

You are not cold or mean - you sound very much like me, realistic. You don't want your Dad to suffer any longer, you want him to be at peace, pain free.

Your Mom wants that too, I'm certain. But, he's her husband. Think about your relationship with your husband......and you haven't been married nearly as long as your Mom and Dad. Of course she's having a hard time letting go. Have you tried to talk to your Mom about any of this? I know it's a hard conversation to have, but it might actually help her.

I did the same thing with my Mom - insisting she should eat, drink, etc. I knew it was futile, but I just couldn't stop myself because I wasn't ready to let go and neither is your Mom.

bixbabe44

Dear Katherine,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. Here is a poem that was given to me when a very dear friend passed on. I do not know who wrote it but it may help everyone get through this tough time.
MISS ME BUT LET ME GO
When I come to the end of the road, and the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room. Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little, but not too long, and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared. Miss me but let me go.
For this is a journey we all must take, and each must go alone.
It's all part of the Master's plan. A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart, go the the friends we know.
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds. Miss me but let me go.
God Bless all of you!!
Eileen

KMR

Eileen,

What beautiful words... I'm going to make a copy of this and give to my Mom. These words express it all.
Spoke to Mom this morning and she said Dad woke and had a little bit of breakfast and fell right back to sleep. At least he is having a peaceful sleep - I only hope it stays this way up until the end.
Once again thanks for this 'simple" little poem - the words could not express it any better.

Katherine

yorkie

Good luck sweetie...we are all dealing with this one way or the other...

Jolene

So sorry that your dad is going through this ordeal and that his journey is coming to and end on this plane. I recall so vividly the three hour drives to be with my dad. I finally took family medical leave from work to take care of him with my mom; I am a nurse and I was the one who the family felt could best help him in the last few months of life. Don't feel badly that you aren't able to be there daily. I have four siblings and they all live hours away as well. We each did what we could. That never meant there wasn't the same strong bonds and love there.

You said something that struck me. Your dad wouldn't like knowing that others were coming to see him when he wasn't his normal self. My dad was a very private person. Although he was alert up to the end, he didn't want others seeing him. He wanted only his immediate family. We politely posted his wishes on the door and the rest of the family and friends respected his wishes. You might want to think about this for your dad. While it helps to give others comfort to say goodbye, HE is what is most important and deserves that respect of privacy.

Hugs from Iowa come your way. Dad has been gone two years and we still miss him so. They are not gone forever; just away. Be strong in faith and know that they Do continue to be a part of our lives.
Take care. I will be praying for comfort and strength for you dad and entire family. Jolene

KMR

I want to thank all of you for such kind kind words.
I feel so close to all of you.... it's hard sharing my feelings and thoughts to friends that have not gone through all of this themselves. I want to go ahead right now and say thank you for your prayers and support - I can feel it through through...

God Bless each one of you.
Katherine

Marie400

Eileen - that's a beautiful poem, thanks for sharing it.

ainmama2001

Hi Katherine.

I went through this with my Mom and I'm about to do it again with my Dad. I remember those final days, and reading your entry made me flash back to them.

As hard as it is for us to watch, it's usually very peaceful when they pass in Hospice care. My mom passed at home, but hospice was part of our lives for two months prior.

Mom slept a great deal and she was hallucinating. She was saying many things that made no sense. She was paralyzed from the brain mets, so that at least kept her in bed.

Hospice is a wonderful gift for the patients as well as the families. The same team that took care of my mother will be taking care of my father. They have been our "family" now for almost two years. We're very lucky to have them. Lean on them. Ask questions. There are none that they haven't heard before and none that they won't do their best to answer honestly.

Best of luck. Love and prayers to you and your family.

-Heidi

KMR

Heidi,

When your mother started sleeping and hallucinating how long was she like this? The Drs say that Dad is sleeping because of the swelling of the brain. They say he may have had a stroke too. Not sure about that.
When he does wake he mumbles his words, but knows who we are and then he falls right back to sleep. Anything you can tell me I would appreciate it.

Thanks again,
Katherine

chris79

Keep your faith as it will continue to guide you!

Marie400

My Dad also appeared to be hallucinating. He would just say random things that made no sense to us. For instance, once he shouted out "Lucky was killed in London." No idea who Lucky was, but when I was a child we did live in England for 3 years due to my Dad's job. May have been someone he worked with. He also tried to get out of bed a lot, which at that point he was probably not physically able to do. I would ask him what he was doing and he'd say "I have to go". He never said where, just that he needed to go. And when I would speak to him, he'd look at me as if he didn't know who I was. I asked him once what my name was and I could tell he was trying very hard to recall it. I could tell that he knew he should know it, but he didn't. Finally, he just shook his head and he said "you're my daughter." At least he knew that much.

He passed away about 2 days after that. The day he passed away he never woke up, never mumbled anything, didn't appear to hear us. I do think your Dad is closer, rather than farther, to the end of his journey. My heart just breaks for you and your Mom as I know exactly what you're experiencing now.

Pametha

Katherine,
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I have no wise words for you, I haven't got there yet...... but we are getting closer. I do offer my prayers for you and your family. I'm glad your here on this web sight, because although I'm not that familier with this yet but so many are. They are all such a great comfort.
I know it's very hard though, and I feel your pain. My family is also with hospice, so please keep me informed on how this all goes. Peace to you all.
Pametha

KMR

Marie,

Mom said that Dad has been awake more today and he told her he was ready to go back home. But, of course he has gone back to sleep. The Drs told Mom yesterday that they were going to start taking him off of some of his meds.. did they do that with your father.
Dad is on around 5 different things, some for his heart. I just don't want him to suffer. And it's hard sitting and watching him go through all of these stages. That is why I ask the questions to all of you that have gone through this. With what I have told you do you think the time is coming closer. This has been the longest year.

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