I haven't been around for the past few months. I'm just needing to unload.
May, mom was diagnosed SCLC, but it was early stages, with a dime size tumor. (she was getting a CAT scan or something when they found it) Months later, my mom wrapped up her chemo and chest radiation, I let myself finally break down. I had been the only one of mom's 4 kids to even help her at all. My 3 brothers have their own lives and don't even call her that much. She's hurt us all, badly. I'm a fulltime student, and a mother of 3 boys plus have a home and husband to take care of. But I can't turn my back on her, especially now that my sibs have.
When my mom was going through the treatments, I stayed with her for most of them, and it broke my heart to see all these people ranging in young to old receiving chemo. And the family members that cry silently in corners. During that time I was doing all her shopping, and I was helping with cleaning her apartment.
What killed me was she had me buying her cigarettes, and I had just quit. Trying being a newbie quitting and having to buy cigarettes for your cancer stricken mom. I just wanted to rip them up in her face and yell at her! But I didn't. I cried in the car, coming and going from getting them instead.
I finally gave her back her bank card and told her I wouldn't buy them anymore. That it was emotionally killing me. She got mad and stopped telling me when she had appt. or anything. She took taxis to go get them. Now she is calling me again to go get her cigarettes. I love her, and I don't want to see her die. I want my mom to continue being here as my kids grandmother. Buying the cigarettes makes me feel like I might help her cancer to return, that I am helping my mom sign her death certificate.
Already a member? Sign in
Welcome to Inspire!
What - Inspire is a place where you can connect with people who share your health concerns and find information and advice in groups sponsored by organizations you know and trust.
Why - As a member you can use Inspire to let friends and family know how you're doing, contact others who share your health concerns, receive personalized updates and information about participating in surveys and clinical trials, and more.
How - Joining Inspire is completely free and usually takes less than a minute. Join now!
Mom's SCLC- and my frustrations
- By Captain_Red
- Posted November 7, 2009 at 6:34 pm · 10 replies
- In Family members and caregivers
- Shared with the public
Explore topics in this discussion:
10 replies
- Oldest first
- Newest first
- By Marie400
- Posted November 7, 2009 at 6:40 pm
- Report post
Your Mom is an adult and though you don't agree with her decision to continue smoking, there really isn't a thing you can do about that. You do not, however, have to buy her cigarettes. And you should tell her that - kindly. If I were in your situation, I would simply say, 'Mom, I am trying to stay off cigarettes and I cannot buy them for you without feeling a lot of temptation'. Your Mom knows she shouldn't smoke, but quitting has to be her decision, just like it was yours.
- By Captain_Red
- Posted November 7, 2009 at 6:56 pm
- Report post
I agree completely that she's the adult and no one can make her quit. I just don't want to buy them, yet I don't want to hurt her feeling by making her go w/out. ugh.
- By pattyp1
- Posted November 7, 2009 at 7:48 pm
- Report post
can I suggest another approach? - during her next doctor appointment, ask the doctor whether she should quit and will her quitting affect her outcome. chances are better that she'll listen to her doctor instead of her kid.
and continue to love her to pieces
many hugs coming your way.
Pat
- By Marylou1
- Posted November 7, 2009 at 8:11 pm
- Report post
Patti has the PERFECT approach !! Patti YOU RULE !!
You can just blurt it out to the doctor right in front of Mom asking him if her quitting would affect her outcome.
YEAH Patti, I'd do a happy dance to that :)
I loved my mom "to pieces." Said that too, and also said that I love you too much to do the deed for you. If you want them, then you will need to find someone else to get them. I can not do this any longer. She quit.
Love to all,
Marylou
- By cards7up
- Posted November 7, 2009 at 8:45 pm
- Report post
Sounds like she's trying to control you. You mentioned the family dynamics in your post. Just tell her that she can buy them herself if she choses to keep smoking, that you're not going to be the one to help her kill herself. Also that she can't make you feel guilty if you don't buy them and if she choses to shut you out, that also is her choice. Good luck and take care, JC
- By beckylynn
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 8:04 am
- Report post
I have to say if my sister asked me to buy her cigarettes I would refuse. I would say call one of your smoker friends and ask them to do it for you, I will not.
At least I pray I would be strong enough to say it.
It's tough. Tell her you want to be there for her but there are some things you will not participate in and that is one of them.
Becky
- By Marislea
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 10:14 am
- Report post
Please stay strong and let your Mom get her own cigarettes. She is making a deliberate choice to perhaps compromise her treatment. She is choosing her path and all you can do is love her and by not buying cigarettes for her you are showing her great love. Take care of yourself and your family. If you don't do that you cannot help anyone and good luck with not smoking. I have small cell lung cancer and getting ready for round four of chemo. I was a long time smoker and still miss it on occasion but then I think of my husband, my children and grandchildren and the thoughts pass.
- By kitkat4me
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 11:51 am
- Report post
Dearest Red,
I, for one, can say I understand and have been in your shoes. I went through the samething with my mom. She never did quit smoking, well unless you count the day she passed away. She didn't have one that day, but she continued till then.
When we, she was dx with cancer but I was here caregiver, were dx in April, that was one of the questions that we thought of. If she stopped smoking would it make the cancer go away or stop the spread of it. Or would it make it harder on her because not only is she going through the stress of chemo ect but her bodying is trying to deal without the nictine, sp?, that her body was so use too. We asked the doctor and he told her, that if smoking helps her to relax and not add more stress, then he told her it was ok. But, please understand, my mother had 5 tumors when we were first dx, and then found out she had 8 after the chemo started. My mom's situation was different.
But, in response to your question how to handle what she is asking you to do. I know you note that you had just quit smoking, and I commend you on that. And, I know it's hard to not start again with all the strees you are going though and then to buy your mom's. If that was me, I would use that as encouragement to not smoke! Right now she is needing your support because she is not getting it from other people. You can read my other posts to see where I am coming from. It will get harder as time goes on. But stay strong!
Sending hugs,
Kat
- By Captain_Red
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 8:49 pm
- Report post
Well, I didn't go get mom's cigarettes, so she found a way to get them. That's fine, like many of you said it is her choice. I just don't like being put in that position. No one ever really wants to tell their mom no.
On the Dr. thing, the Dr. did tell her that it was early enough to quit, but that didn't gaurantee that it wouldn't come back, but it might prolong her life and it would improve her chances. I don't think my mom can or wants to quit. I think she feels like it is already too late, and she refuses to blame smoking too. When I was growing up and started smoking, my mom would tell us that no one in our family had ever had cancer, and we would probably never have it, cause it's genetic. She made it okay to smoke when I was 15.
On a side note to KitKat4Me. My mom spent most of my life an abusive alcoholic. She was never "aware/there" for us, we raised ourselves. And when she wasn't so drunk she was passed out somewhere, she would physically attack anyone in her path.
As adults we all turned our backs on her when things got out of hand. She just cleaned up about 2 yrs. ago, but she never goes out her way to see her grandkids. I'm saddened that after she sobered up she still doesn't ask to spend time w/ my kids. She always gives gifts at birthdays/Christmas, but I want my kids to know their grandmother. Unfortunately, my kids hate cigarettes, and she would rather be in her own environment smoking than to hang out and get to know them. :(
And here I am making myself mentally/physically sick and heartbroken over her, b/c I'm a giver who still needs her approval and love.
- By kitkat4me
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 10:12 pm
- Report post
Dearest Red,
I can understand and know the feeling of being at the other end of abuser parent. I too, like you, was always at the end of the abuse growing up. I know how it feels to want the unconditionial love that comes from a parent and never get it. I understand the pain you are going through right now. My hubby told me something when I was going through mine and I will pass it on to you.. " Take this one day at a time, or even one second if that is all you have. But, know that it will all come to an end and only you can look back and say I did what I could. Live this time with no regret for when your mom is gone, you are the one that has to live with the regret of what you could have done." I took that to heart and made this time the best I could. As I stated on my other posts, I have step sisters, and I had to live with that my mom wanted to spend time with their childern but not mine. It makes you feel as if you are still not good enough. In your situation, it's that your mom is choosing cigs over your kids. I say give it some time and hopefully it will turn around.
I know that everyone gives you advice, but I will say, love your mom the best that you can. You will want to throw your hands in the air and say I quit, but know you are only hurting your self. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts to give your strength during this time.
Love and hugs,
Kat
Add to the discussion