Lung Cancer, Our friendship could be over, due to anger

I didn't think it was possible to be a caretaker for yet another person in my life with Lung Cancer or any major illness for that matter. I was young when my Father died of Lung Cancer. My brother was the second in the family to be diagnosed with the disease in the end stages. I was working full time and running home to make sure he had his meds and to make him healthy juice drinks, daily. My mother was so distraught after going through this with her late husband that she could not be of any support to me, she became angry and withdrew, for a time. I remember the solitary feeling of it all. My brother died of the disease. My mother also had a bout with Lung Cancer but we learned about early detection at that point and she survived. Still and all I was there through the surgery and doctors and healing. Years later my mother had a mini stroke, artery disease, trouble walking and what followed was almost a year of long hospital stays, eventually her heart affected her kidneys and she was on dialysis and eventually died. I pretty much was the only person left to take care of her every need.
My best friend who I know 25 years, has stage3B NSC Lung Cancer, inopperable. For 8 months her son and I have taken care of her every need. Doctors visits, rides, etc. God gave me the strength somehow to do this again, or maybe not. Recently she was set up for 7 weeks of radiation treatments, 5 days a week and chemo once a month. Her son was working. He would take her 2 days a week on his days off and me being on disability myself would take her 3 days a week. I prefaced 2 days on and 1 day off, would really help,then I would do the third day. Her son tried to accommadate me. During this one week
she needed chemo and her son wanted to be there for that because it's 8 hours. He took off of work, but because her blood pressure was too low they wouldn't give her chemo, so her son took the next day off and she had her chemo. The end result was the following week he said he had to work five days in a row, thus assuming I would take her five days in. Mind you it sound petty now to even complain, but I digress back to my life in the past as a caregiver, the pain and suffering and loss. I must also point out that in between my caregiving years, I had multiple operations of my own.
As it turned out she took off one day of radiation because of the chemo side effects, which left me taking her 4 days, instead of five. I have COPD by the way. I asked god for the strength and we made it to the third day, then all hell hit the fan. Before I tell you the story about how our friendship may be over, let me say, she was a wonderful friend to me all these years. We discussed on the phone that day that I needed to know her sons schedule the following week because I needed to have tooth pulled. Her son never let me know his schedule each week and I didn't know what days I was taking her. It was also my anniversary next week. she told me I could call the house after 9PM and if he had the schedule I could find out, but that he usually didn't check the schedule, in this case he would check it the next day and let me know. I made mention (which she has already said, he can have an attitude of not caring about these things) I then said I had a life to live too, which I meant for her son, not her. I didn't mean a fun life I just meant I needed to make plans. I didn't mean it to come out that way, nor did I realize she harbored ill feelings toward the remark. We went about our ride to the hospital for radiation and things seemed fine however I noticed she was giving me digs on and off. Radiation was done and it was pouring rain outside. My friend decided she wanted to go shopping because she felt well and didn't know when she would feel well again. I knew she would feel ok the next day because she was over the chemo hump at least for this month. I have always taken her out following treatments, wherever she usually wanted to go, whether I wanted to or not. Today I didn't feel like it, I hate driving in the rain, the next day was the fourth day in a row I was taking her for treatments. I did say we could go tomorrow. she persisted and was somewhat nasty to me. I grudgingly decided to take her but I was angry, I felt disrespected and not cared about. The store she wanted to go to was another 25 minutes away. she stated this particular store had better quality merchandise then the one closer to home. I proceeded to say whatever, you need to go so we are going. I was really mad, though. she was probbaly harboring anger, too. she said she was entilted and that she helped me with my mother and brother and so on. she said I have been complaining since she was diagnosed with cancer, what she meant was, I'm a compaliner, not that I was complaining about helping her, per se. I blew up, she wanted out in the car, she told me to have a nice life, I let her out, in the rain, then tried to get her back in the car, she ignored me. I called her son to pick her up. We have not spoke since and I am sick over it. I feel I tried so hard to help her in so many ways, not listing them all here. I feel she threw the past in my face and was not caring that I went through all of this too many times in my life. I thought maybe it was best, that God didn't want to see me be a caretaker again or worse, watch her die. I thought maybe it was gods way of letting her son take a leave of absence from work to be with his mom because it is the only family memebr he has in his life and at times he felt guilty not being there enough and his job ironically, was at a morgue which isn't good under the circumstances. I thought maybe it was gods way of letting her other friend help some, because she felt shut out. I only know I'm heart sick. This friend walked away from me once before for five years, without telling me why. I have so many mixed feelings about this, i don't know if I should let it go or apologize and take responsibility for my own actions even though she could end up being nasty and it would hurt horribly.
Lori

By antonella
Posted June 22, 2009 at 10:49 am
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Dear Lori, sounds like a tough situation. That's what stress does to people. It's human. She probably feels like she is the one with the cancer and her life is turned upside down. She probably feels scared and is dealing with her mortality and thinks that you have nothing to complain about. You have been a good friend and have done a lot for her. Maybe you should arrange to talk to her and explain how you feel, and how being a caregiver to your mom and brother has taken it's toll on you. Talk freely and from the heart and then give her a chance to explain how she feels. I think you can solve this. Another bump in the road of life. Good luck, keep us posted
Antonella

By kq182
Posted June 22, 2009 at 10:58 am
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Hi, I agree with the other poster, When you feel up to it you need to go to her and visit with her at her home and talk things out in private. I hope it goes well, please update when you can. Get it off your chest, it is not good for you to be so upset, try and talk and let her talk too. Karen

By cuddles53
Posted June 22, 2009 at 11:24 am
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Hi, I agree with the others on here, but know it must be hard, so even a card in the mail and write it all out is the chicken way out, but it works also. I think you are a great friend, God I wish you lived closer! I would just love to know someone like you, who has been so unselfish, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you have stood right by her, and so many other people, you have a right to be happy too. I would send along a card, and try and make things right, I am sure it will, who could live without you? Who would want to live without you? Many times we all say things we don't mean when we are tired, or hungry or any reason, but you not being there for this friend is the worse thing to happen for her, she needs you, and the way it sounds you also need her, so go for it, don't be scared, you did the right thing and you will do the right thing again. Take care you wonderful friend. I can use a good friend like you, I never had one like you before. She is a lucky lady.
God bless Sandy

By beadedimagery
Posted June 22, 2009 at 12:08 pm
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She has been a wonderful friend too! I just wonder if I can take being rejected by her . It seems my life has been losses and more losses. I tried for 8 months to help her. I cooked for her and brought her gifts and left things by her door to cheer her. I have taken her everywhere. when she wanted a headboard we went all over with the drawer from her dresser, to six stores. When she was in pain I made her takes her meds, when she didn't want to. I am very hurt right now and I ponder the reason for the fight, again perhaps it was supposed to happen, to allow changes for both of us. Knowing her for 25 years, I know she won't call me, that is sad too. I don't want pride to get in my way but I don't want to be taken for granted either. I am letting God direct me, bring me insight. I am letting time pass with the hope I will get an answer that is good for both of us. I believe in communicating but that day when I explained I didn't like to drive in the rain, she said she didn't want to hear my schtik. when I said you have cancer but I'm still a person, she went off too. Honestly this is so unlike her. If there are personality changes due to meds and chemo and radiation, do I want to put myself through that? I understand it yet I'm conflicted if I want to go through all of this. How much can one person take? I looked at her as family and took care of her as if she was family, but she isn't family and I have been down this road before.
Thank you all so much, I will continue to absorb all of the replies until I find my answer.
My inspiration for all of you is this, Lung cancer is cureable if everyone gets yearly chest xrays or cat scans. My mothers was found on a chest xray when it was the size of a pea. For all of the caregivers, take care of yourselves too!

By sojourner
Posted June 22, 2009 at 1:25 pm
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Oh Lori, How difficult it has to be to always be the caregiver and watch family and friends fail so. Do you have access to a support group for caregivers (church, Hospice, maybe the hospital). I have been fortunate that I have my husband and several close friends who were able to take me for treatments, etc. but I always stress to everyone to please keep an eye on my husband because the stress alone of being a caregiver is very tiring and unhealthy.

I do think if this friendship is important to you then you should plan to get together and talk it out. Of course you recognize how hard this is on your friend but she needs to see that you also are carrying a big load. If you haven't heard from her for a while then she apparently has found others to help her. To expect any one friend to be the only one is really just too much.

My prayers to you and your friend.

Blessings, Donna

By karenere
Posted June 22, 2009 at 2:06 pm
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I think you should buy a nice card and write everything you just expressed to us to her, and then let the cards fall where they may. At least you know you did the right thing. It's a very stressful time, so maybe if she's gets a card and reads it, it will sink in what you are trying to say.

Good luck, Karen

By brooklynda
Posted June 22, 2009 at 4:27 pm
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Lori: Quite a dilemma! I can understand how you may be afraid of rejection if you contact her, but at least you would know and not have to wonder. Acquaintances are fine, but real friends are priceless. You have been a wonderful friend and, as you mentioned, she has been a wonderful friend also. I would also bring that to her attention - that you felt she was also such a great friend and was (and is) very valuable to you. Maybe you can make arrangements for transportation to stores and/or treatments by contacting the American Cancer Society; or if she belongs to a church. There are volunteer organizations that may be available to help. This way you could still be of support to her (shop or whatever)but be relieved of some of the burden. It's a heartbreaking situation when you love a friend and have disagreements at such a crucial time for you both . Sending prayers for a good outcome for you both. Blessings! Brooklynda

By Marylou1
Posted June 22, 2009 at 5:20 pm
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Lori:
You are one of God's angels walking the earth!

I can only tell you what I would do in this circumstance. I would call her and tell her that I love her, and would like to have a heart to heart talk about the circumstances that brought up all this anger.

If she loves you, she will agree to set a date and time to get together. If she does not respond, then let it go. If she would throw away an endearing friendship the two of you have over trivia, then she still has some lessons to learn in this life.

I pray she will answer your call with a smile.
Much Love,
Marylou

By peyz33
Posted June 22, 2009 at 6:37 pm
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yikes - no easy answers...all I can add is to follow your heart - our "gut" never tells us lies, or tricks us - listen to your heart - you will know what is right to do.
God bless you - you are a wonderful friend!
Karen

By beadedimagery
Posted June 22, 2009 at 6:51 pm
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Such sweet responses, I like the one about buying a card and let the cards fall where they may. I did buy a card today, it says, I don't know what to do, i don't know what to say...So I'll just prey!
It seemed perfect. I will still think on it and think about a letter. The hard part is knowing someone could just walk away and say have a nice life....it is hard to get over that and it is the second time she walked away from the friendship, the first time the reason made sence but she should have told me the reason. you start to feel like a moron when you are the one to reach out again, even when you believe the other person was wrong. Oh well, i'm sure I'll reach out in time. Thanks to the person too that said she wishes she had a friend like me. How about this, you already do, just let me know if you need anything : ) I'm good at doing research and making calls, I'm here for you!
Thanks again, Lori

By terryl
Posted June 22, 2009 at 7:30 pm
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About 20 years ago my best friend's son (5 yrs old) was diagnosed with cancer. One day I said something that I thought was quite innocent, that my friend took great offense to. She thought I was being thoughtless and mean. She was so angry. We did not speak after that for many many months. I was heartbroken. I remember crying in my sleep over the loss of our friendship. When we did start talking again it just wasn't the same between us. Shortly after this My family moved to another state. We lost touch completely and to this day I do not know if her son even survived his cancer. I still wish I had made at least some effort to make amends. I never said I was sorry because I honestly didn't think I had done anything wrong. To this day I don't think I did anything wrong BUT, I did know she was hurting and angry about her son and all she was going through. I always just figured I was a convenient target for her to take her anger out on. If I had it to do over again, I would have waited a few days, maybe baked a cake or gotten her a small gift as an excuse to go to her home, or sent a letter or card and say, I am sorry it I hurt you, can we still be friends? If I had been rejected then, I would have my answer, but at least I would have known that I tried. You know this friend of yours better than anyone here, I hope the two of you find a way to work it out. ( If you make amends, I would also make sure that you have a chat with her son! Tell him you love his Mom but like him, you too have your own needs to take care of and would like it if he would help you, help her)
hope this helps

By bluestar
Posted June 23, 2009 at 9:11 am
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Hi Lori,
sounds like you might send
www.sharethecare.org to your former friend's son.

I don't blame you for feeling angry.
I've been sick and feeling weird from 2 cancers in the past & probably acted strange some times

but selfish, demanding, thoughtless behavior is never O.K.

my personal opinion is... don't set yourself up to be abused by this person again.

I like the previous post that suggested telling your friend that you care about her and want to talk about the circumstances that led to the 'out of the car' scene.
And of course the old advice, say how YOU FEEL, not what either of you 'did wrong'.

If she doesn't respond with honor & respect to you ...I say who needs it? You might only make yourself sick trying to meet her impossible needs.

Don't be a victim! (maybe god is saying "Enough Already! move on please")
xo
star

By rmhayes
Posted June 24, 2009 at 9:50 am
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True friends are rare. Seems you have both been there for each other through many years of ups and downs. Don't let hurt feelings on either side tear this friendship down. But I have something I want to add here:I think(only my opinion)maybe your caregiver days should be over and you should take care of you. You can still be her friend without all of the running and things you do. Support comes in many ways and can best be handled by someone not so torn up as you yourself surely are. There are many other things you can do for her as a dear friend other than taking on so much responsibility for her. This was being taken for granted and seems like maybe not so much appreciated. I, myself, was not a model patient( i am still not)and went through some of the ugliness you have...with my husband and daughter. Thank goodness they forgave me and tried their best to understand. When my daughter had enough on her plate she flat out let me know how badly I had become at throwing fits and demands. I realized it was way to much for her(she had already been through her daddy having a massive heart attack and surviving after emergency quad-bypass-surgery. Then six months later I got sick and she was right there...she had started her first day of college the day of her dad's surgery. They promptly sent her butt home(hospital) she just couldnt concentrate. She hasn't missed but one day since and that was to be with me on my first day of chemo. I have to say..though has nothing to do with your situation...of how proud I am of her. For realizing she just needed a break. She's maintained one of the highest GPA's in her "class", worked, and still managed to come home and take care of the 2 of us.
Give yourself a much needed break and don't feel guilty. you were being taking advantage of which is understandable but she has other friends who can help and are probably willing to do so. You both must be really good friends to have otherwise your friendship wouldn't have lasted so many years. I am sure she has another friend she can call for assistance.
Someone has to make the first move here. Be the bigger person and try. At the same time don't open yourself up with saying anything like..i am so sorry I will of course help you anyway i can...because you shouldn't. I feel you just need a break from all this illness and enjoy life...guilt free.
GOD BLESS "FRIEND"
robin

By beadedimagery
Posted June 24, 2009 at 10:12 am
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Wow Robyn thanks, amazing! Your post solidified what I have been feeling...Guilty that I am actually Happy not helping for once! The problem is,that she went over and above for me many times and she threw it in my face that she did so, she specifically said she was entitled because of many things. Your suggestion of not saying oh I'm so sorry, also relieved me. I believe we both had some angry things building up in ourselves and it was the perfect storm, it just needed the word to make it blow and it did. It wasn't years of building up, just merely days and it obliterated alot of the good in one single day. Her and I are both people pleasers who hate confrontation and having that in common was now a detriment. Time is a wonderful teacher and I am taking each day and letting it teach me. When I am sure that what I say to her is the right thing for the right reason, that I am not saying it to people please, or blame or win, or even to help her I will then reach out. Authenticity is so important and so difficult to achieve because of all the good and bad in us, the many voices that tell us many things. I'm hoping that when and if I do speak it is good and fair to both of us. I have no problem admitting what I did wrong as long as it's authentic too.

By Sherri2
Posted June 24, 2009 at 11:35 am
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I know my biggest fear is not being able to do things for my self and becoming a burden to some one. Maybe she fearing this and loves you enough to let go..

By beadedimagery
Posted June 27, 2009 at 7:29 pm
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Well I did the right thing and wrote a letter attached a card and dropped it by her house. I told her I loved her and explained things, etc. I also dropped off some things she could use and some things that were hers that needed to be returned.
She ignored the effort and now I just feel like an ass that gave so much only to have her spit in my face!

By sojourner
Posted June 27, 2009 at 9:11 pm
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Lori, don't feel like an ass - you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you tried. The ball is in her park now.
I pray for you both and your friendship.
Blessings, Donna

By D1
Posted June 27, 2009 at 9:46 pm
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Sometimes we are selfish; sometimes, we are self-full. Our first responsibility is to protect the self. This is an old friendship, but perhaps, it has become too much of a burden on you. It sounds to me like your friend and her family have exploited you. I think it's time for you to take care of yourself. These people seem to be manipulating your kind heart.

By cosmogal_7
Posted June 28, 2009 at 7:53 am
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Well, I for one would be grateful to have a friend like you. I wish even my mom didn't have so many friends run away when they found out about her condition. I know how you feel though about your life feeling insignificant to others. Her son should be picking up more where you left off. He has been ignoring that fact that you have been a great help. In a few weeks when it has gotten harder for both of them to handle alone then they will see just what a big help you have been. Please don't feel guilty. You did a way lot more than what other people would have done. Its amazing how many people will say they will be there and then never are. It took months before my mothers own brother would even call her. Oh he called in the begininng but when times got tough he never picked up the phone. Then suddenly he called. My mom's sister told him off!!! Then he actually drove from NH to Florida to see her. Now he calls her every sunday without fail. What a relief it was for my mom. They were always close and then suddenly he disappeared. I really feel badly for you. You did good though. The ball is in her court. Just because she is sick doesn't give her a right not to be a good and thoughtful friend to you.
God bless you! Your a one of kind friend!
Sincerely,
Paula

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