Lost Brother and feeling alot of guilt

• By jazzbo
• Posted January 5, 2009 at 8:19 pm
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Hi My deepest condolences to you and your family.
I wish my own sister would do what you did for your brother. I can only hope your brother enjoyed most of those days with you. But even if he didn't I'm sure he appreciated your help in accomplishing his wishes. When all is said and done that is the most any of us can do. You made is last days what he wanted. Just as in life sometimes are plans go great and other times it's a fiasco. You had the best intentions and for that feel proud that you did this for him.
I saw my dad one morning as i was snowplowing his drive way. He said he felt like he had the flu. I told him to go in and I'd stop later when I was done work. 20 minutes later a nieghbor of my dads called me and said they just took my dad to the hospital. He doesn't look good. I was 10 minutes from hospital and when I got there he was dead. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back and do or say something to him. He was my best friend.
What I'm trying to tell you for years I had felt like I deserted him. Now almost 20 yrs later I can say I feel no guilt but I do miss him incredibly . I think you will come to this after a while . You are in grieving now . Just know he was happy you did this for him. As is said on this site often, No one has their expiration date stamped on their foot. So who knows if it were to be three days , three weeks or three months.
Take care , John

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• By Monica65
• Posted January 5, 2009 at 8:20 pm
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For some reason guillt is always associated in a death. I had so much guilt when my mom passed in february. She also wanted to come home. She came home and 4 days later we had to call an ambulance because, she was so lathargic ( spelling? ) If my sister didn't call the ambulance she would of died within a day!

I was there when my mom passed nobody was. Big GUILT. I feel guilt about not fighting about her meds more that made her delusional. Etc....

When they pass, they wouldn't want us to feel guilt! They know we did the best we can to make them conmfortable and to make their wishes come true.

I cried for MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everyday and everynight because, i wasn't with my mom when she passed. I guilt was so bad. I can barely live. I wanted to be with my mom.

It takes time to get over a death. I'm still in shock and awww about my mom and what she went through. I know she's NOT in pain anymore.

Your brother knows you did what you could and doesn't hold any grudges. I'm sure he's proud of you for doing what you did for him

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• By 1lung
• Posted January 5, 2009 at 10:10 pm
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I am sorry for all of your lost. In my sickest days when the doctor told me I had only a few months. I filled out all my wills and who would be over me medically and all. I thought they were right and I was preparing to go.
My siblings were always there for me, and my sister about lost her job to spend time with me, she would take me to my chemo apt's and even drove to New York for my surgery and treatments which was 11 hours, she was pregnant with her 3rd child!You would be surprised how the dying worries more about all of our love ones during this time and is so happy to be the priority during the hospital stays and visits. We see the hurt that they feel as well. The love between family isn't measured in the few weeks or minutes, its over the lifetime. and they would not want you to ever feel sad after they left or like you could have done something more. I have not lost a loved one that close but being that close to death myself I could imagine the pain. I hope the good memories will settle in your mind and not the bad ones!

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• By texaszan
• Posted January 6, 2009 at 12:40 am
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I think you did the right thing by honoring his wish to go home and it's very doubtful it would have changed the outcome in any significant way. I lost my brother to cancer and cried every night, after everyone else was asleep, for nearly 3 years...so yeah, I understand the pain and guilt even though I know I did my best and I know he knew I did my best. It gets better with time, lots of time. To add to the above post try to remember that one's life is the whole enchilada not the last few weeks or days. Your brother was not a sick person for most of his life so get out his old photos and rework your memory to remember him as he was for the majority of his life. It helps me to remember my brother as the whole person he was not the sick person he became. Then I can celebrate his time on earth and take comfort in knowing he had many, many more good days than bad ones.

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• By herelongterm
• Posted January 6, 2009 at 6:44 am
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Dear sdoh85,

Firstly, my greatest condolensces to you and the loved ones of your late brother. I believe that he is now in a better place and I will pray for his soul. I lost my father on September 30 '08 after a 14-month battle with this horrible disease. He was 63 years of age. It's hard to imagine that 1.5 years ago life was excellent and in the space of 14 months my father gets ill and passes away. Even now over 3 months later, it feels surreal. My father was admitted to hospital on September 18 and only had days to live. The doctors could no longer help and assumed that he would pass away in hospital within days. However, my father fought for 12 days, just in time for us to take him home a day before he passed away. As soon as he got home, he looked happy and fell asleep for a few hours. When he woke up, his breathing had changed and you knew that this was it. We took him back to hospital and there he passed away peacefully in a holy manner just a few hours later. The point I am trying to make is that my father wanted to come home one last time before farewelling us, although he never said it himself, as he thought he would be a burden on us while at home. I am so happy that we did take him home. In your case, you have no reason to feel guilty, because not only did you fulfill your brother's wishes, you also brought him home one last time for him to bid the house farewell and to bid you farewell at home, where the heart is. You did the right thing. Also, bringing him home would have made no difference to his survival, because when it gets to a stage where nothing can be done, it makes no difference whether one is in a hospital, hospice, or home. What matters is that the person is happy, and by brining your brother home, you made him happy. The surreal feeling is something that I completely identify with. However, we are not alone. This is a fact of life and every human will experience this type of grief one day. However, I believe this is not the end for your brother as it is the beginning of a new existence for him. I pray that you will find a way to interact with him in his new home. This will help strengthen you and help you move on. It definitely is helping me.

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• By Marie400
• Posted January 6, 2009 at 8:16 am
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You shouldn't feel any guilt, in fact, you should be pleased that you could accomodate your brother's wishes.

It's so hard for those of us left behind. There are always "what ifs", but we did the best we could at the time and we did it with love, kindness, concern and respect.

I know exactly what you are saying about not being able to remember him being healthy. My Mom deteriorated so quickly it was hard to believe. She passed away on October 6. I have a picture of her and the grandchildren on my desk which was taken on Christmas Day 2007. This was before her dx and she looks so healthly, happy and vibrant. It's hard to believe a short 10 months later she would have been dx'd, treated and died.

Please don't feel bad about what you think you should have or could have done for him. You did everything you could and you did it with love. Your brother loved you for that and he was glad you were with him. His physical presence is gone, but his spirit remains with you. You honor him by remembering the good things you shared, continuing to love him and understanding that you did your very best to take care of him.

Hugs to you and a prayer for you to find the strength to move forward with your grief.

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• By USMCCAT
• Posted January 6, 2009 at 9:53 am
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You made NO mistakes..if anything you made him happy. You granted a last wish, I guess you could say. You didn't do anything wrong at all.

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• By Jolene
• Posted January 6, 2009 at 11:43 am
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I went through the "if only" period and all the "what if"
thoughts as well. I feel for some of us, it is part of the grieving process. It is how we come to terms with what has happened. Could have, should have, would have, etc. It is all, wasted emotion, yet, to this day, two years out, I find myself at times going back to that thought process.

I think it is wonderful you took him home with you.
Life is short and you can not go back and redo yesterday. Know that you loved your brother and he was blessed to have someone help him when he was in need. You might be surprised that there are times doctors have these same feelings with many
of their patients. Did I do the right thing? Did I miss something? It is called; being human.

Allow yourself time to heal. You are in the early stages of grief. Two years out now, I no longer cry everyday, but I miss him just as much. He is always around our family and that gives us comfort.

Praying for you. Jolene

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• By sdoh58
• Posted January 10, 2009 at 7:37 pm
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Thank You all for your words and will try to take all the advice. I am sure one of these days it will become easier, and hopefully be able to remember him before he was sick. It is still very painfull and at times I cant even think about him without getting upset, and as crazy as this sounds sick to my stomach when I do remember him. Alot of that has to do with only remembering things he said in the hospital, how he looked and just keep thinking I missed something.

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• By Nettie55
• Posted January 10, 2009 at 8:00 pm
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You did the right thing. My mother died in 1990 of emphasema- a lifelong smoker. 2 weeks before she died, I went to her city to get her, brought her to my house for the weekend ( 3 hours away) and took her back home 2 days later at her request. Then, on the night before she died, my sister and I were with her. She asked for 2 things- a stiff drink and a cigarette. We gave her both, as we knew she would be leaving us soon. Do I regret that? Not one bit. We sat up all night with her, and she had several drinks and several cigarettes. The next day, just before she died, she thanked us for not only NOT condemning her last wishes, but for accommodating her forsomething she was afraid to ask us to do. Some felt an unnecessary road trip combined with alcohol and nicotine lead to her dying sooner. I disagree. My mom knew when her time was done, and I hadn't seen her smile like that in a long time while she had been sick.
Hugs
Nettie

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• By janetrn
• Posted January 10, 2009 at 8:16 pm
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Never second guess what you did for your brother. You were there for him and you made him happy and as comfortable as he could be. I have a hard time remembering my husband before cancer. I try to get that picture out of mind but still cannot. I hope in time I will be able to. I miss my George everyday as you will miss your brother. I am not sure when it will get easier if ever.
Janet

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• By dcruz
• Posted January 11, 2009 at 3:06 pm
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Hi, sorry for your loss, I too lost my sister is was 2 years younger. She was one heck of a woman. She never complained of her illness which was Lupus. Fought it for 20 something years. At fist I was upset at God, and would tell him how could he put that on my sister is was at the time only 17 years. I had even told him to let me have what she had and cure her. But it all came true when I was diagnosis with the same illness 10 years later. Well I knew that my sister was strong and so that meant I too would have to be. She was an inspirational to me. So I started reading the word and get to know our Savior Jesus. With that believing and spoke his words to others it gave me the strength to move on. As my sister went into the hospital the last time we would to see her alive, she said she was ready to go with God. That day before it was Easter Sunday, she had called to see how Easter had went and I said ok. Not really, we had been going through some rough time, but didn't want her to know that while she was there in the hospital. Well by that time when we going home her husband called and said they had tooken my sister to the ICU and she wasn't responding. So we went to her side. We spent a whole month with her not leaving her sight. I feel that if I had gone earlier that day I would have been able to speak to her and prayed alittle more. I always think about what if, but it wasn't meant to be. She knew how much I loved her and back. I wouldn't have want it any different. The time I spent with her were the best ever. We saw her leave us but it was beatiful and peaceful. What ever you do for your family in the last days of there lives is beautiful and thats all they want is for you to be there. My God bless you and your family............Diane

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• By brisbay
• Posted January 11, 2009 at 4:14 pm
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I hope when the time comes I will have the courage you demonstrated, to do what my sister wants and not what I want her to do. You are a hero and a shining example of love to me and I am sure many others here for your love and compassion to your brother. We should all be so lucky to have someone in our lives that loves us so much. Peace to you, Brisbay

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