Just thinking.....

Just thinking about what I was doing this time last Sunday. Trying to not remember the pain that my mom was in. Trying to not remember the helplessnss that I was feeling. This time last Sunday, I was just starting the last fight for my mom's life on this earth.
It all started at 3:00 in the afternoon. My aunt was staying with my mom. She had been released from the hospitial the prior Friday after being in there 12 days. My aunt came down to give me the chance to take my kids to homecoming and take pictures that saturday. Mom had called Saturday night and wanted to see me. I told her as soon as I got the kids to the school, I would head down there. I got down there around 9:30 and stated till 11:30, and went to get the kids. She was having some pain but nothing really bothersome. Got home around 2:00 in the morning, after taking the kids home and parents wanting to talk to me. They knew that my mom had been in the hospitial and wanted to check on her. I got to bed around 2:30 and at 7:30 the phone calls and texts started coming. My mom wanted me down there with her. She was scared, I asked her if my aunt was there and she said yes, asked if my uncle had made it there and she said not yet. That she didn't know he was coming. She said she would be ok once he got there. I told her I would be down later on in the day and would be spending the night. She was ok with that. I told her that I was going to go to home depot and get her bar for the bath tub and look at refrigators for her, since hers was going out. She was ok with that and asked for me to come down afterwards. We had just gotten home when I received a call from my aunt and she said that I really needed to get down to my moms. I took off for mom's with hubby coming behind me. I am still amazed that I was able to get to her house in exactly 20 minutes. It usually takes 30-45 minutes in the morning with no traffic. I got there and walked into the house and saw my mom sitting there crying. I put my purse down and went and kneelled in front of her. She looked at me and said that she needed to go back to the hospitial because she couldn't breathe. She said that she could feel that her lungs were full with fluid. She looked and said that she was tired and didn't want to fight anymore. I just held her as she cried and I just told her that she fight with everything that she had. She said she was scared that i would look at her as a quiter and I said I would never. That this cancer would knock her down but she always stood back up and said I am still here. I said that if she was tired and didn't want to fight anymore, I would understand. She said ok, and that I need to call the ambulance. I told her that my hubby had just gotten there and I wanted to let them know what was going on and then I would call. I told him outside and he gave me a hug and I went inside to call EMS. As I was calling, I heard my mom call for my hubby. He knelt down in front of her and she asked him for a promise. He said anything, she asked for him to watching out and over me. That his was going to be hard on me. I should've known that it was getting to the end, but I guess my heart just didn't want to face it. We got to the hospitial and they admitted her. They told us that she had pneaumia, spelling?, in both lungs. I asked how that was possible, since that is what keep her in the hospitial for 12 days this past week and we had been home less than 48 hours. The doctor was nice and just said he couldn't explain why, just what the x-ray was showing. So we finally got into a room at 10pm, I didn't want to leave her there by herself, so I called my oldest step sister and told her i needed for her to come to the hospitial so that I could go get my truck from my moms house and then I would be back. So she got there and I went for my truck. To go from the hospitial to my moms house usually takes 30-45 minuted each way. We had been gone 41 minutes and my mom was having my sister call look for me. My step sister was getting mad because all my mom wanted was me. I talked to my mom and said I am on my way back and told her where I was. She was ok because I was coming back to her. After my step sister left, all I can say is all hell broke out. It was the longest night of my life. To see my mom in so much pain and not be able to do anything about it. They were giving her morphine every hour and it was not stopping the pain. The only way mom could get any releif was if I sat there and held her. She could lean back, her back hurt her, she said it felt like someone had put a brick into ther back. She couldn't lean forward, because the fluid in her lungs made her chest hurt. So she would lean into me and she would rest for about 15 minutes. then we would have to change positions. This went on all night. if I got her up and into her wheelchair and took her downstairs, she was ok. We could do that for about 10 minutes and then she would be so tired, that she would need to lay down. All night we did this. Her doctor came on the floor around 10:30, and I was able to talk with him. I told him that my mom wanted hospice and that she was in a lot of pain. He looked at me and with all sincereity asked if anyone had told me about the xrays from yesterday. I told him no. that we were just told she was being admitted with pneamonia, spelling?. he told me that from 10/7 to 10/19, that day, her tumors in her lungs had grown. They could measure how much they had grown in that short amount of time. I was shocked and asked what was next. He said that he will talk to her, but it might be time to just make her comfortable. He said that she was having pain in her back because of a tumor pusing on the nerve endings. He came in and talked with mom and told her what was said, she agreed to please just make her comfortable. No more test, no more trying to heal her. So he pulled me out and told me that he would do what we asked. I asked him if he knew a timeline, i told him that I knew that dr.s hated to give those, but I needed to see if I had time to get my uncle, who is stationed in Iraq, here. He told me that he would be suprised if she made it through the day, much less the night. He said that anyone that wanted or needed to say or see her, needs to be called now. So at 10:50 i made the calls that i really didn't want to make. My oldest step sister was the first one there. And, she sat with her, so that I could walk outside for a minute. She called and said mom is trying to get out of bed and i knew she couldnt. I was upstais in less than 1 minute. I had the nurse in her room, me, my cousin, and my step sister. Mom only wanted to talk to me. And, when she did, I just wanted to cry. She sounded like she had had a stroke, her speech was slurred. And, she keep requesting to be picked up. Please understand, when she was weak and could not stand up, I would place my arms under her and say "1,2,3 up" and i would pick her up. So the last conversation i had with my mom was her repeating that. That went on for about 30 minutes. Then she got tired and she was leaning on me and my cousin, and her last words were "...... and ...... I'm sorry." She went to sleep and didn't wake up. I was there holding her hand when she took her last 3 breathes. I was selfess and I didn't let everyone else in the room know what was going on till it passed. My mom squezzed my hand one last time, and i said I love you and she was gone. Everyone else didn't know till I called the nurse because I couldn't get a pulse. They knew then. I had to share my mom all my life, I wanted the last moments to be mine.
This past week has been a blur for me. I will have to get those thoughts out later in another blog!