just feel so very sad

MIMIS_GIRLS
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Hello to you all, i am new to this site. I just don't know where to begin. I lost my mother in april 08 to stage 4 nsclc after a 10 month battle, she was diagnosed in jun 07. She was just 58 and one of the most beautiful people you could have ever hoped to meet. The pain is so deep that i don't know if i can ever come up. I have a wonderful husband and 4 beautiful kids and my support system here at home is good but i just don't feel like anyone knows what i am really feeling. I alone was my mother's care giver for the entire time ( she lived with us for 6 years prior to getting diagnosed) We have always been close and she was my best friend although i have always been "the mother" in our relationship. I go through the motions day to day, but i just feel like anytime i think about her or the whole "cancer" experience it takes my breath away. I keep replaying everything from her treatment choices, to doctors, to her last days in the hospital. I feel like i should have done things differently. Maybe something could have helped her. How am i supposed to get through this? Everyone thinks i am so strong and coping ok but i am a wreck inside. i am trying to get back to "normal" but what is normal anymore? My normal had been dr. appointments, medications and caregiving........ I am sure so many of you are feeling so many mixed emotions as i am. From relief that she is not suffering to anger that she is not here to deep sorrow for my children that will not get to be around their grandmother that loved them with all her being. My children were her life and i just can't fully comprehend how i am going to get through my life with out her. Thank you for letting me get some of this out, i am happy i found this board. I hope that one day this awful disease wil be a thing of the past.
-n

17 replies

Momofsix

I'm so sorry for your loss...My story is so much like yours. My mother just turned 60 and we just found out she has Stage three large lung cell cancer today...She is to have a PET scan tomorrow then we will talk with the DR about how to start fighting......My mother has lived with me for five years now and she takes care of my children while I work....When I noticed somthing just wasnt right with her...I had to DRAG her to the hospital...And her tumor is very large .The size of your fist.And they think it is in her lymph in that area as well.And she has got almost complete block to the upper lobe.The DR said she will stay in and out of the hospital with pneumonie if it get a total block. They did a bone scan ,CT scan of the body and it is only in the lung area at this point.We are trying to understand what all this means.The DR was good at explaining but ....it's alot to take in .......I have so many questions like how hard will the treatment be on her? What to expect? Will I need to quit my job to take care of her at first? I can only imagine your pain at this point.....My thoughts and prayers are with you...GOD BLESS

L2d2b3a

Dear n,
How do you get through it? One day at a time my dear. Please cut yourself some slack, its only been a short time. If you concentrate on the good times and get the photo albums out and keep her fresh in your childrens minds, let them know how much their Grammy loved them you will find that eventually the pain will lessen. And as far as wondering if you did enough to help? Lord knows you did all you could and the cancer was just to relentless. Please take care and God Bless you sweety. Sincerely, Lucy

ILUVMYMOM

Dear N:

I lost my mom a few months ago. I understand your feelings as I have these too. Processing what has happened is healthy and normal. Grieving takes time and everyone is different. Just be careful you don't get depressed. I still feel swells of sadness but I also am just beginning to let the memories of the cancer phase fade. I think that my mom wouldn't want me to be sad for long. Think about this. If your children were faced with the same situation, would you want sadness to grip them so tight that they can't find joy or happiness?

Let your grief happen in its time and recognize this as a process. Please don't let the sadness overwhelm you to the point of depression.

As for going over every step of treatment decisions, etc. There is always something we could have done differently. But remember you made the best decisions you could have given the situation. We had to learn and absorb alot of new information really fast. I am sure your mother is forever thankful that you were there with her. I can't imagine what a person goes through without love and support around them during such a challenging time.

Please find a way to walk in the sunshine and soothe your soul - then find the strength to engage in life with your family. And when the sadness envelops you again....dig deep. It takes time....one day at a time.

Best to you - E

Carol40

N

I lost my mom is April to SCLC and I miss her everyday. Somedays I feel so sad I just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head. But on those days I try to think of how my mom would feel if she was watching me. She'd be so sad to know that I wasn't enjoying my life and my beautiful family. And, like E said, I think about my children and how I would want them to live their lives if something happened to me and I wasn't around anymore.

Have you tried a support group? My father passed away when I was 20 and I was overcome with such severe depression for a couple of years after his passing. Looking back I think a support group would have helped.

Take care of yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve but just remember even though it doesn't feel like it will ever get easier, it will.

Carol

cad1223

Hello:

I can certainly understand your pain. I lost my dad, 61, on May 20, 2008 from extensive SCLC...8 weeks ago. He battled it for just over one year. I still cannot believe that he is gone. I was not his primary caregiver, my mom was, but I was there just about every step of the way helping all the time. I took him to chemo appointments, dr. appointments, he'd stay at my house while my mom went to work for a change of scenery, etc. The pain is so real. Just the other day, I could not remember what dad looked like prior to cancer. The only vision that kept popping in my mind was of his last day here, in excruciating pain, weighing 120 lbs, with his eyes rolled back into his head. I kept smelling that "morphine" smell also (I know this was just in my head, but it was a true smell that would come wafting by). I had to finally get out my wedding album to look at dad in a happier time and remember him when he was in his 40's, laughing, smiling and chubby!

We will never get back to what we knew as "normal". We will have to learn to live a "new normal" which is life missing one very important person.

You did all that you could do for your mom. We all feel that way...what could I have done differently? Absolutely nothing. Your mom knew how much you did for her and I know she is thanking you every day for all you did.

We will have to take this one day at a time and hopefully some day there will be more good days than bad days.

My thoughts are with you...please know that you are not alone.

Cheryl

MIMIS_GIRLS

Thank you for all your reponses, they do help. I know it will be hard and my mom definately would not want me to be sad, so i will try to take each day as it comes. Thanks again for all your kind words
-n

lms

You are brave. There's not much more to say. You are brave and you are able.

You have great love for your family...Those who you can reach out and hug and cry with and laugh with...those you live for...through them you will start to heal and find a peaceful place to remember cherish and keep loving your mom.

Thank you for being so real and so beautiful about your vulnerabilities and your grief. We all need to remember why we fight and why it matters to remember.
Hugs and friendship to you,
Lisa

sktoma

I am sorry for your loss and I pray that God will watch over your family.

I just lost my husband in May to this demon and being his wife and his caregiver, it is one of the hardest things I have had to go through. I lost my father in 2005, my mother in 2006 and now my husband in 2008.

All feelings are normal and I feel just like you. Everyone says I am so strong but it is just a front. I just take one day at a time and try my best to go forward. It is very hard to do when you do not have that go forward person with you to talk, laugh and love. My husband told me he wanted me to be strong for our kids and grandchildren, but it is so hard, but I do it.

Thanks for venting your feelings that will help you.

Kathy

RiaRia

My Dad is battling ED-SCLC and I can only imagine how you are feeling. The sadness must be overwhelming, but one day at a timeis probably good advice. Stay strong for your family and try to focus on the happy memories you have had with your mom. I am very sorry for your loss.
Maria

kimba1

Oh sweet lady I am so sorry to hear of your mothers passing. It sounds like you were blessed with having a wonderful mother and friend and I too feel your pain. My mother is still fighting this beast of an illness and it is hard to watch at times. As a daughter our job is to try to make things better and be there for them which you were, and then some it sounds. It is totally natural for you to feell sad and angry, you will move through many feelings before you reach your plateau. You will never forget your mom or stop missing her, and you will need to take it slow on your self and your heart that is broken. Do it day by day and enjoy your children, that is one gift that God has given the mothers of the world is our children. They are needing you and you can share memories of your mother with them so they will not forget her either. My guess is that your mom would want you to know that she loves you and your little ones very much, that you were unbelievable in your devotion to her and that she appreciates all of your sacrifices. That she is not in pain anymore and is free of cancer, and can "breathe" again. That you did all you could and there was nothing anyone else could have done for her, and that she is proud of you for being such a loving daughter and mother. To take it easy on yourself and take care of yourself and the grandbabies and take it day by day.
My suggestion is to pray for peace in your heart and know that you are not alone. Your experiences can help many other people in the same situation that you were in. And lastly I am so very sorry for your loss, you will be in my prayers, Kimba1

MARNIEMCC

hi im new here my dad was diagnosed with SCLC on
04/08 still going through different treatments it hasn't been working my dad last chemo was stopped as they did a scan and found it hadnt shrunk the tumour and they are now offering radiotherapy hoping this will have some effect on the tumor ! i hope to god it does as this is our last chance the doctors have told us. I really feel for you to lose your mom this is such an awful battle and no one seems to understand how hard it really !! I know this doesn't help but i hope one day they find a cure for this awful diseases that takes so many wonderful people.you are in my prayers im very sorry for you loss.martina

Veronique

Dear N,
I know what you feel, as I felt the same three years ago after a long struggle. My mother had cancer (not lung ) too, and she was forced because of the illness to be in bed, more than a year. She could not take care of herself. This was one of my happiest period of my life, however, as I could never be so closed to my mother. We discovered each-other, first time we had time to listen to each other. I was also happy that I was able to keep her at home (with help, as I worked, too). During the last days, the doctor wanted to take her to the hospital to give infusion, which, I am deeply convinced, only would had made the suffering longer without any hope of normal living. She was not forced to give up her dignity, she could live till the moments like a person, and she felt that she is somebody who counts till her last breath.

pambolek

Your mom was so lucky to have such a wonderful person at her side. My mother was 51 when she died from pancreatic cancer. We took care of her at home for 18 months prior to her death. I found that it was difficult to adjust after she died. Most of my time, energy and emotioal being was spent caring for her. I was not quite sure how to go on after her death. There was a large void in my life. Sometimes we grieve so much for what we have lost that we have no energy to enjoy what we have. I was also married with 3 children at the time.
Now i am the one with cancer. I am going to be the one that is going to die. What i hope for my children is that they enjoyed the time we had together. Life is for the living . I want my family to go on and continue to enjoy life. As a mother I would not want my kids to waste any time grieving for me. What will it help? change? Nothing. Don't get me wrong, I know first hand what a terrible loss you have endured and it is not easy to recover from. You have a beautiful family and so much to continue to enjoy. It takes time to heal, but it is OK to feel joy and be happy even though mom is gone. She would want you to be happy. It sounds to me like you did everything humanly possilbe to make her life and death everything it could be.
Pam

uniquesha

Sorry for your lost, My dad is on the same situation, You are a strong woman, and just keep going one day at a time, dont rush yourself, time will tell, when you fell sad, just come on this site, and express yourself, or talk to someone, Dont...!!!!!!!! stay alone, that is not healthy for you..or your family...
speak to someone,...
I wonder if on this site, people can exchange phone numbers, so in time like this..they would be very useful.
anyway...!!!!!! my dear..Your mother, is proud of you right now.

SparklesVA

N,

I have such empathy for you...all that you wrote, I am experiencing too. I lost my mom to Stage IIIb NSCLC on May 19.

Everyone else has already said it so well, so I will just say that you are not alone and you are not crazy. Know that I and others are out here for you if you need. Try to find small ways to be gentle and good to yourself during this ridiculously hard time.

Robin

Julie5350

I understand exactly how you are feeling and I wish I could tell you that it gets better but it doesn't. My mom's story is quite long - I would love to talk to you. She too was my best friend, we were always together, talked a million times per day and now she is gone. August 7thh will be a year - I am so sad and miserable. My personal email address is jeljess@aol.com. Please write to me. I have met 2 others girls on this site and have become great friends with them (we never met) but they understand what we are going through. Hope to talk to you soon.

jennymac

I just hit the year mark on May 19 of my father being gone. I still miss him terribly, still cry often, still question what I could have done to save him, and still have days when I just want to stay in bed.

But, the good news is, those moments of utter dispair come further apart and don't last as long as they used to. I can actually talk about my dad without bursting into tears. I can remember him and actually laugh. I can sit in front of the television and watch the news or sports or politics and ask outloud, "Did you just hear that dad?" I talk about him often, think about him always, and still miss him greatly. I am just learning to adjust to my "new life" without him.

Truly, our lives will never be the same again after losing a parent. But how lucky were we to have such wonderful parents for the time we had them? Most girls never get to be as close to their dads as I was to mine. It was only for 35 years, but I had the best dad ever!

You'll get there. Don't be so hard on yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jen

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