It's been 5 months. Mom passed

• By L2d2b3a
• Posted July 27, 2008 at 9:41 am
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Dear Monica65,
Life handed you a lemon for sure but think of how your beloved mom would want you to handle it? She raised you to obviously be a caring and strong person, please honor her by living your life the way she would have been proud of. It is hard, I know but the hard things in this life make the good things even better. Keep your mom in your heart and move forward with her blessings. Take care. Lucy

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• By yvette1
• Posted July 27, 2008 at 9:54 am
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Monica,

I'm sorry about your loss. Your mom, like mine, died too soon and too suddenly from this awful disease.

What resources are available in your community? I am going to a cancer/grief counselor through one of the hospitals here in Northern Virginia. My counselor is great- a good mix of compassion and constructive suggestions. You need to find someone who "works" for you but I recommend trying to find someone. Some places have sliding fee scale or free services.

Was your mom in hospice? I've gone to a grief group and that helps too. My local hospice is putting together one specifically for those who have lost parents that will be better. I'm going to a grief "camp" next weekend which may help. (I was an asthmatic, nerd girl who hated camp when I was a kid, but I am hoping that there will be some benefit.)

What about a church or temple if you have one? We aren't religious, but I did get support from both a Catholic and Unitarian clergy during and after, and I think it helped.

Besides the psychological component... how are you taking care of yourself? Right after my mom died I just couldn't eat. Now I don't feel like cooking and just want to put any easy crap in my mouth. I alternate between not eating and overeating, esp late.

Can you exercise? Even a walk around the block can help.

I found that after the rollercoaster of my mom's illness I fell apart physically. I've had flares of myofascial pain syndrome and IBS which increases depression too.

One last thing... when I am moping and crying I think "Would my mom want me like this?" I know the answer is "HELL NO!" My mom would say- dress up, go out, have fun! I know it is almost impossible, but I would bet your mom would want to to honor her memory, but also move forward.

Please continue to reach out.

You (or anyone who need an ear) can always privately email me: yvetteski@gmail.com

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• By KellyLee
• Posted July 27, 2008 at 11:00 am
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Monica
I'm so sorry to hear you're still having such a hard time. You must have been very close to your mom.
It's ok to miss her and be sad once-in-awhile but maybe it's time to look into getting some help. I just started going to a therapist for my daughter and I. I'm hoping it will help us.
I like the last person's idea of just going for a walk when you're feeling down. The fresh air may help.
Think of all the happy times with your mom. She would want you to move on and be happy...she really would.
I also know I will need to take my own advice someday.
Losing my dad was hard, but my parents lived in Florida and I only saw them 2-3 times a year. I am my mom's caregiver now (moved her to MN). It will be very hard when she is gone. I will have to be very strong and take my own advice.
Do you have other family around for support? Husband, children, siblings?
Take care of yourself!!!!!!!
Kelly

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• By summeron2001
• Posted July 27, 2008 at 12:56 pm
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Monica - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am thinking of you. Please take care of yourself and know how much your mom would want you to carry on with your life. You have been a special caring daughter to her. Take care.

Sylvia

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• By Monica65
• Posted July 27, 2008 at 2:29 pm
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Thanks so much for all your kind thoughts. Yes, my mom was in hospice for 6 days. I went to counseling there but after the 3rd time i found it to hard. When you walk into hopsice my moms old room was right in front of me and made it harder.

I lost 13 lbs within the month she was sick. Fourtantley, i gained most of it back. I also, could not make meals when she was sick and after she died. Everything we bought we made together and it was too hard for months after to make dinner. I would remember the last time we made "this " or "that"

I have moved past that now.

It's still so surreal. I have siblings in NJ but, talking to them doesn't help. They think differently than i do about her death.

She knew there was a problem 5 years ago. A spot on her lung and NEVER EVER got it checked out!!!! It took 5 years for the cancer to eat her alive literally.

I have gotten "readings" and she has came through no DOUBT in my mind. But, i never feel her presence and that's what hurts the most. Not feeling her around

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• By jgaynor711
• Posted July 28, 2008 at 7:43 am
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Hi Monica,
I'm so sorry that you're feeling such pain right now. All of us who have lost a parent feel it ... it comes in different forms and at different times, and it's completely natural to feel like your world is coming apart at the seams when one of the most important people in your life (if not the most important) has left you.
I think one of the earlier posters had some very good advice... and I might be a bit repetitive here.. But when I' feeling down, low, like I can't motivate or when I feel miserable, I think of my mom and what she'd want me to do and I know she'd want me to pull it together, to be healthy, to try and have a happy life. I think counseling can be wonderful - if you find the right counseling. I'm a runner and I use exercise like a drug. It clears the cobwebs from my mind and spirit... A brisk walk can do the same thing as a run. Stay close to friends, ask for help, and remember: This too shall pass. You will never EVER forget your mother; the pain will never entirely disappear, but the amazing thing about us being human is that we do have an incredible ability to heal. You have such a life ahead of you, and one step at a time, one day at a time, you'll get there - just be patient and good to yourself...
Your mom would want that for you - she's watching out for you, and it WILL get better!
Love,
Julia

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