We bought this house in the country with a 1 acre yard about 9 years ago because Mike wanted a big yard to "play" in. He has always loved being outside and doing yard work. Me...not so much.
We had a yard full of leaves. In years past, this was Mike's job. Now it is my job. Our oldest son had called on Thursday and asked if he could come and spend a couple of nights. OF COURSE! Yesterday I called him and asked if he could come early and use his pyro skills and help me burn the leaves (we live in the country, don't start a discussion on leaf burning please) He said he would be glad to help. Well, his boss had other thoughts and he ended up having to work today. I called our other son and asked if he could come out and help, and he was watching a movie and had company, so no, he really didn't want to come and help. UHHHH, OK????
So I was working and realized this is my life, doing all the work, getting no help and it's never going to get any better. I needed to talk to my mommy, but she died from breast cancer 9 years ago. So I just kept working, crying, working, feeling sorry for myself.
Well the oldest came out, said he was taking a break and took over the fire duties, while I finished up raking and using the mower to get the leaves gathered up.
I got done, came inside, showered. Mike told me i did a great job and gave me a foot massage.
OK pity party over.
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It was pity party time for me today
- By Marg
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 7:07 pm · 27 replies
- In Family members and caregivers
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27 replies
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- By simplyklb
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 7:25 pm
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I know how you feel... I have three brothers. I have been the primary caregiver around here for the last 18 months. It is difficult to get help from them at times. When you say that you need help, they accuse you of being a witch about it. Gotta love family. Fortunately I have others to rely on for support. My mom's sister-in-law \asked me how I do it. I do get pissed at times and have an occasional meltdown. She told me that she would have gone crazy by now. She is an awesome lady. She has been a huge help to my mom the last 18 months. Always wanting to help in some way. She felt bad because she could not help as she had a longterm substitute teaching job that ran from August thru the middle of October. She made me tell her when Mom's future appts were. I will call her tomorrow night when things are set up for her clinical trial testing.
It is not easy being the primary caregiver.
Hugs,
Kristi
- By pattyp1
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 7:31 pm
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oh Marg,
you need help.
here's a big secret - there are a lot of people out there that would LOVE to help you, but don't know what to do - ask them to do specific things to help you - for example, ask a tall person to change light bulbs for you or a nice lady to just come and girl-talk with you. my guess is that the people at your church would love to jump in and make your life easier - and it would be as much of a blessing for them as it would be for you. I'll be the first to admit, I'd love to help people and don't know what to offer or how to ask in a way that comes out anything but goony.
in the meanwhile, know that you are very much loved and cherished here
hope things calm down
hugs
Pat
- By simplyklb
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 7:42 pm
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Pat,
I love it when people ask how I am doing. And then ask what they can do to help. I have people I can actually call. I rely more on them than my own family!
Kristi
- By Marg
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 7:59 pm
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Kristi, your mom's sister in law...that you be your aunt? You are blessed to have her to help you.
Pat, you could never sound goony! But thank you for writing that, you made me laugh!
When people ask me how I'm doing I always say, "I'm fine." I'm not good at asking for help, but thought my own sons would help. I just want to shake them sometimes. I should have had daughters! No, I'm joking, I love my sons and they can't help it they are male.
- By Marylou1
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 8:10 pm
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Marg:
Gender doesn't matter !! Trust me.
Sending Hugs and tickling your toes,
Marylou
- By jazzbo
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 8:38 pm
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OK Marg, first Marylou is right! Gender isn't an excuse! I wish it was but I never can say no. I think the best way or one of the best is to write a list in chronological order or as close as you can get and email it to your sons and just say we as your parents love you very much but we need these things done. If you and your brother can't do this maybe you could make a call and have it done for us. Put the duty on them and given a time to do it might be able to schedule it into thier lives. Everybody's life is crazy busy but you know what. You make time to do something you want to do , no problem! so tell them you need assistance and hopefully they'll come through. - God bless, John
- By simplyklb
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 8:43 pm
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Marg,
Yes she is my aunt. She has never been afraid to jump in and help since she and my uncle married in Sept. 1985. The day she had her mastectomy my parents and I went and sat in the surgery waiting room with my uncle, her twin sister (whose had breast cancer twice, and a close family friend. We visited with her a short time after she got up to her room out of recovery.
Kristi
- By simplyklb
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 9:16 pm
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John,
It does not always work that way.. My mom's been after my brother who is suppose to be living with us to help. She ends up worrying about things because they do NOT get done. I told her do not sweat the little things. But it is a shame that someone cannot take time out for their own mom. It makes me sooo angry.
Kristi
- By jazzbo
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 9:37 pm
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Oh Kristi, I didn't mean they would but it might give them something to think about. If guilt works then do it! I am just hoping the boys might have a way to get some more help for them sometimes nessecity is the mother of invention or maybe movement. They should be involved with their father and mothers care. Now I'm getting angry! God bless Marge and you too Kristi, John
- By lucy56
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 10:40 pm
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Go a head and have a pity party and vent if you need to and then have a talk with your boys about needing some help around the house Take them out for coffee and have a frank talk it may be that they need to know what has to be done and when, so come with a list for them and tell them about your melt down if they don't come around after that you need to find someone who will, one thing you must do is look after yourself. l think your boys will surprize you.
Lucy
- By kq182
- Posted November 8, 2009 at 11:34 pm
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Marge, somtimes you just got to let things go, you cannot do everything, if the leaves pile up, so be it!! I know you want things done like they were in the past, and so do I, but now that my husband is gone, I have realized that you do not need to sweat the little things, just do all you can, and try and take care of yourself, as you are taking care of others. Please do not be so hard on yourself, Mike appreciates all you do and continue to do, but please do not get yourself sick with over doing things. You and Mike remain in my prayers, Karen
- By maxgirltou
- Posted November 9, 2009 at 12:02 am
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I am SO sick of leaves, I could just scream. I am fortune as Tommy is able to help me but I am sick of them just the same. My thoughts and prayers are with you, if I was there I would help you with those leaves. I know people say to just leave them but then they lay by the house and get moldy and stinky and it is much better to get those suckers up in the fall than to wait to spring. Hang in there, I am with you on the leaves, sick of them.
Prayers,
Tina
- By Nettie55
- Posted November 9, 2009 at 12:13 am
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Hey Marg
Yep, I hear you. Since I've been down on my back for the past couple weeks, poor Harvey has been working his tail off. I can count on both hands the people that have said "what can we do to help"?---- holy moly, they must be blind, since they practically had to "pole vault" over the leaves that have accumulated on the steps and porch. sigh.... and it never ceases to amaze me how our children are so giving and helpful of their time to others- today they were coming to rake our leaves but I guess they had to help someone move today- guess it just came up.
But no worries- Harvey is only one person, and disabled as well. The leaves will get done when they get done. I am blessed he can do as much as he can now.
You might think of contacting your church- sometimes they have kids that need service hours and community service is one way they earn it.
In any event, you just vent girl..... you can vent to me, all you want.
Hugs.
Nettie
- By tazzy1994
- Posted November 9, 2009 at 7:39 am
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I know how you feel..it is tough to be the one that it all falls on. It makes you more empathetic and realize what it means when you offer help that is what you do...help. There were days that I didn't know which way or what to do first . And there was not one person that truly "helped". Even living on a cul de sac with only four houses and all of them knowing our situation I still had to pay for lawn service, the leaves had to blow away and the dust just got deeper. And I work full time. But hopefully all that is behind me and I am a stronger and more understanding of the meaning of "help". But the funny thing is, I always knew the meaning.
And my mother in law has just gone through the same surgery and she would never do anything to help us is getting some of the same treatment she gave us. But if we were closer we would be right there doing for her.
Hope you are having a better day. Those leaves have 11 acres ...let 'em blow!
P
- By Barb267
- Posted November 9, 2009 at 8:39 am
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I guess I lucky in some things. I needed the yard mowed one last time. No one was going to do it, so I started it. I was huffing and puffing but the time I just got the mower to the front yard. I did four passes with it when my father-in-law (here for a visit) came out and took over. He's 76. Must have made my husband feel guilty, because he came out and took over for him. Now if I could just get someone to fell guilty about the dishes.
Barb
- By Marg
- Posted November 9, 2009 at 9:09 am
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Ya know, I am a strong independent women and I can handle this, with the help of God.
BUT...here's the deal: On two different occasions, I have put on my facebook status, "Anyone know of a housekeeper?" and "Anyone's kids need to earn money by raking leaves?" and NO ONE offered to help! Not family, not friends from church, not friends from Bible Study, not friends from work.
OK, I said the pity party was over and I'm not going there again today.
- By simplyklb
- Posted November 9, 2009 at 9:54 am
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On Saturday, I went out to get the mail and saw one of my next-door neighbors bagging up some of our leaves. I went out and gave her a big hug and said Thank you! We have awesome neighbors. We have some who call and check in with me or mom. One of our neighbors works part-time for Petco and gets us cat and dog food. I pay her when she brings it to us. If I need something, those neighbors don't hesitate to help. Some of our neighbors don't know how to react. I think that some people just don't know how to deal with the diagnosis of cancer.
Kristi
- By Chi-Dreamer
- Posted November 9, 2009 at 10:06 am
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Good Morning Marg,
I want a pity party and you all are invited. I sit here on the computer and look at my cluttered house. My desk is here somewhere. I have my 88 yr old Mom who depends on me to cook for her and dispense her pills. She likes doing laundry so I let her. My daughter can't take any more days off so when the daycare is closed or my Grandson is sick, who else will take him?
I help my husband do his paperwork and take phone calls. I seldom see my sons, as one doesn't have a car and only calls for $$. My other son works 6 days a week, 10 hr days.
But then when any one asks how are you, I say fine. Then I go back to bed when ever I get the chance.
So I say lets throw a party, then throw the Pity out and just have a good time just enjoying being together.
Linda
- By robinwd
- Posted November 9, 2009 at 10:33 am
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Marg, I was having my own pity party Sat. Couldn't get the mower started...had blown leaves all I could on my 2 acres---mostly woods but have to get them off driveway, road frontage (very steep) and around house and mulched garden beds. I had piles 4 ft. high that I just couldn't blow any further into the woods in one open area. I was feeling so down and so sorry for myself. Heaven forbid that son-in-laws could come help. Guy-friend was away hunting. BUT yesterday came and he showed up and got the mower going...went and got more gas while I started mowing and then did the dangerous area along the road! So.....know how frustrating it gets-----and I'm the patient!!! LOL---don't rwally consider myself that anymore w/ 4.5 yrs. NED, but just not able to do a lot of stuff that I used to do! Hang in there, girl! Luckily, leaf season is short-lived.
And to put everything in perspective, after the leaf work was done, found out that a dear friend died suddenly and unexpectedly, so then really had something to cry about.
- By rmhayes
- Posted November 9, 2009 at 10:36 am
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Linda, that son that has time to call and ask for money and time to drive over and get it: has time to work it off. Thats what I would do...have him work for his "loan". It would sure help you out and maybe make him wake up and realize...either that or he would quit asking for money!
Marg..let the leaves blow hon..where ever they wind up make a mulch bed...Turn the lights down low..find your favorite radio/video station/channel run a hot bubble bath and take a break.
Gl and God Bless Ya
robin
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