I HAD A BONAFIDE TANTRUM--

I was so frustrated yesterday I had a real tantrum. I mean I sat on the floor, kicked my feet, hit myself in the head, cried and called myself unbelievably bad names. All because there are no words to describe how badly this cancer is kicking our butts. And little miss helper bee, (that would be me) cannot do one GD thing to make it "all better".

My husband, who is an absolute rock, and is batteling SCLC reoccurrence stood by in shock and amazement until he could think to run forward and grab my hands. He just rocked me back and forth like I was a baby...and I was.

You know what, it felt good to be a baby again. I'll never look at a two year old quite the same way again. There are no words...

I'm thinking I should go to the doctor and get something for depression so that I don't have another episode, but I've made it 14 months with nothing stronger than beer and God...sorry to say I've even tried both simultaneously! Oh the ways of a crazy woman caregiver person/thing that I have become.

I guess I want to hear that I don't need to resort to drugs to get through this. That I can do this one day at a time. I'm afraid to be dulled down. After all, if I can't have a tantrum when the one I love is dying by inches, then what is a girl to do?

This is a rant, and I know it. Was it ok to have a tantrum? Am I going to pass GO? Or should I proceed directly to the check in counter at the Psych Ward?

I love you guys.

Lionhearteds Wife

By maxgirltou
Posted October 27, 2009 at 7:56 am
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Yep, been there, done that. I think the reoccurance was more devasting than the original diagnosis for us. I think what you are going thru and how you are reacting is completely normal, this is the most horrible thing that I have been thru and I am sure the same for you. Whether or not you decide to take something is entirely up to the individual, I chose to take a low dose script to help with the anxiety attacks and the obsession with the cancer. I think I was cracking up. But again, I am not suggesting that you take anything, it is totally an individual choice. I believe it helped me to function on a daily basis and to take a little control over the things that I could, such as diet, nutrition, researching clinical trials. I still enjoy my children and am still very upset that my husband is going thru this but today I can talk about it without crying. I don't know, maybe someday I will look back and wish I hadn't taken anything but for today I believe it is helping me function.

God bless you, this all just sucks, I hate what it does to people and families. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.

Tina

By merylee
Posted October 27, 2009 at 8:49 am
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Go for it girl. If the tantrum helps that is great! I truly believe that you caretakers are way overburdened and occassional fallout is to be expected. Enjoy. It can be so freeing!

By FightCancer
Posted October 27, 2009 at 9:03 am
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Hi,
it s your husband who needs your support now... if you throw tantrums like this frequently he may feel that he is becoming burden over you...
So don't fall out in front of your dear hubby..

If you feel overburdend with emotions.. go to your friends, parents or anyone with whom you can share your feelings.....

But be strong and as normal as possible when with your husband...
Take care
Sunil

By brooklyn1
Posted October 27, 2009 at 9:34 am
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Dear LionheartedsWife,

God bless you, girl! I so know where you are...
You go right ahead and break down when you need to - you are not a machine, but a human being, a loving wife, best friend, lover, caregiver, and a strong but wounded woman. And you have been through hell, and you are still in it. It doesn't go away...

Feel what you feel, and when the world comes crescendoing down around you, then if you have to scream and kick at the universe for mercy, it is ok. And I cannot think of a more beautiful, more precious or sincere moment as when your husband took you in his arms and cradled you like his baby.

Months ago I came here one day when I totally lost it. Could not stop crying, my legs shock uncontrollably, and I started to read the posts and to write. I too looked for some medication to keep my from falling apart. My doctor wrote a script for an antidepressent which I checked out online before taking. I had to take it daily, could be addictive, and it's side-effects were more frightening than my hysteria. I called my pharmacist, explained my situation, and asked it there was a drug I that could help me through this.

This is what she told me: She said she was so sorry to hear about my husband's cancer (Stage IV NSCLC), but that there was no pill that would take this away, and I had to find a way to deal with my pain and my life. She told me to get out of the house, take long walks, and when things got bad, start moving. Face the horror, but not let it take over. I hated to hear this, but I did what she said.

I still wish I had a pill, and maybe someone knows of a safe drug to take when things get bad, but I was afraid I would need more and more pills as time went on. I still cry a little each day. I just give it a time limit, take a few really deep breaths, and then start moving.
My husband has said though it grieves him to see me cry, it also touches him to know how much I care. I can't pretend everything is ok to him.

You and your husband are in this together. He knows you are suffering, and can probably read you better than anyone else. I don't want you to fall apart hourly, I doubt that is the kind of person you are anyway. But yes, you are totally entitled to have a terrible day when you can't do anything more but cry. And it is great to have your hero rescue you, as you have rescued him through all this.

Love one another, with respect and honesty, and courage. You both have truly brave hearts...and together they beat as one. I pray the horror of this disease would just go away. But till then, be real, and live in the moment. God be with you always. Peg

By dpharr
Posted October 27, 2009 at 9:51 am
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You are a loving human being who can only take so much of seeing the person you love go through what he's going through right now. Hold on to your faith, it will get you through the tough times. Blessings to you and your wonderful husband.

Dorothy

By Willsmarie
Posted October 27, 2009 at 10:37 am
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Dear Lionheartedwife,

My husband has sclc too and we have been battling it since April 09. I had a complete meltdown about one week ago and acted the same way you did. My husband had to bring me upstairs to lay down on the bed and just hold me. I don't know if this was a good thing or not. Sam was very frightened and so sorry that this horrible, horrible disease had taken such a toll on me.

To be honest, I'm taking FightCancer's response to be the one I'm going to go with. I'm not going to breakdown anymore(few tears now and then) in front of him an I really need to be strong for him. I am on medication, anti-anxiety pills and if they help me get thru this so be it. When I don't need them anymore, I'm sure the doctor will wean me off. Till then, I will take any medication (within reason) that will help me get thru this (also work full time).

Men tend to think thru a problem or try and resolve it,
women on the other hand will talk, talk, talk, it thru or throw tantrums. Men don't understand this, I think my husband thinks it's all too much for me and he would be the one to stop fighting.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, what this disease is and what it has done to our life. Some days, I really don't think I'm going to make it pass the day, but I do.

I'm through with the tantrum. I might be down a little in front of him or tired but that's all.

I place it in God's hand each day.

This is just my take on it.

Regards,
Marie

By Granny888
Posted October 27, 2009 at 11:03 am
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As has been pointed out, there is no pill to change our circumstances.

If you feel like you are clinically depressed, that's another story completely. No pill is going to "make" you happy when life sucks, though there are some that will even things out and give you better control. Better control .... a now and then tantrum I wouldn't worry about, daily I might. Control is over-rated though I guess most of us like to have it.

Drugs -- alcohol is a drug and a depressant. Just be aware.

Doesnt' sound like you are making your choices blindly. You are definitely allowed to break down now and then. More of us probably should, you know?

Take care of yourself.

By Marylou1
Posted October 27, 2009 at 12:13 pm
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Honey,
I am the patient, and when my cancer came back, my macho husband was the one who broke down.

It's OK to do that !! I understood and I'm sure your hubby understands just as well.

Much Love,
Marylou

By Dayplace
Posted October 27, 2009 at 1:02 pm
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Dear Lionheartedswife,
So many of us can relate to your tantrum. My hero-husband is NED 28 months after his Stage IV diagnosis. I have been a type driven to provide research and support to fight this disease, but a couple of months ago I hit the wall. No particular reason I can itentify, just can't work up ANY enthusiasm for anything anymore. Mike forced me to make a Dr.s appt for a check up, telling me there was no use in his good health if I wasn't there to enjoy it with him. My wonderful GP listened to my fears and tears and suggested a trial of Prozac which I taken for Seasonal Affective Disorder before we moved to sunny Phoenix ten years ago. I do know that emotional stress can trigger chemical changes in the brain which can unbalance our emotions. I urge you to talk to your doctor and see if your case would indicate some sort of intervention for your emotional health, be it talk support or chemical support. I can't describe how bad I felt about myself because I was causing my husband worry. Keep up the fight and take care of yourself.

By brooklyn1
Posted October 27, 2009 at 2:04 pm
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Dear Dayplace and all,
Thank you so much for your responses, and that of others. I just want to clarify, I would have gladly taken medication if the side effects were not so bad with the one prescribed, and I didn't have to take it every day. I thought there was just a little pill I could take when things were bad and poof, it would all be better. So I followed the pharmacist's advice, and toughed it out, and was able to get by. I am sure each of us must find our own best way.

LionHeartsWife: I don't want anyone to minimize the value of getting help if you need it. It is so important to have support, and having a safe place to "break down" if it becomes an ongoing issue is essential. If medication can help, then definitely consider that.

This is a tough battle. I am facing something so terrible now I cannot even write about it, but if I saw my coping techniques were not working, I would see my doctor immediately or seek out a therapist or social worker. You can't shoulder it all alone.

I think all the posts here form a mosiac of the huge range of issues facing patients and loved ones caught in the horror of this disease. The emotional side is just as critical to address, and acknowledge as real and significant as the clinical, financial, etc.

You are so good and brave to have shared your story, and I commend you for your courage, day by day. And everyone else here as well - Blesssings.
Always, Peg

By starlit3367
Posted October 27, 2009 at 2:51 pm
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I'm right there with you. I myself am a "crazy woman caregiver person/thing." Mom has metastic SCLC. When I first found out, I was living an hour away. Two days later i unofficially moved back home.

At first, i adjusted well. It was all business: Take Mom to the doctor. Smile. Pick up Mom's meds. Help Mom shower. Smile. Do Mom's laundry. Rub Mom's swollen feet. Smile. Buy groceries. Let the dog out. Make Mom dinner. Check the meds. Check the calander. Smile. Play only happy music. Watch only happy television. Did I mention smile?Anything to make this better. Make here better. And then one day-Wham! My knees felt week. My hands were numb. Someone was squeezing my chese from the inside out....simultaneously, I had the sniffles. So off I went to the doctor. Thinking, "Go to doctor's office. Get miracle pill. Get better. Take care of Mom. Do the laundry. Make dinner."

After carefully listening to my symptoms, she took my hand and said, "Sleeeep." She recommended a heavy dose of R,R, and R. Remove myself from the situation so I could allow myself to Rest and Relax. Sometimes, it's so easy to forget that there is anything else other than cancer. Sometimes, i even forget there's a me.

Maybe that's what you need? It's not selfish to take time to yourself. It's taking care of you, so you can take care of others. So maybe, just find a place to go by yourself that you love, and simply Be. Be alone. Be happy. Be nostalgic. Be sad. Be asleep. But allow yourself the opportunity to be someone other than a "crazy woman caregiver person/thing."

....Hope that helps some. Take care and happy R,R and R.

By LIONHEARTEDSwife
Posted October 27, 2009 at 3:26 pm
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I can tell you all that you have been a blessing. That is true. But more than that, your responses have all been wise and true. I laughed and I cried when I read all of these thoughts, all with great merit, I think. So here is my prescription for myself:
1) Go to doctor and get a physical/hormone check whathaveyou to be sure I don't "have" anything...
2) Don't have too many tantrums in front of my poor husband, who immediately went out and bought me a very cute labrador puppy whom I love fiercly even though I've only had her one day...someone said men try to solve things...answer to tantrum...PUPPY!
3)RR&R...yes and be alone. That sounds like a good thing to me and I will definitely figure that one out. I've got two kids at home 10 and 11 and one at college, this weekend the eldest, my husband and I went skydiving. That was fun, but I think I need a break with a good book and even an ocean to look at for a day
4)To starlit: You reflected my words back at me. So good to see "crazy, woman caregiver person/thing" My god, look what I was thinking about myself...wonders never cease. Also to starlit, I bet you've heard that you are coping well and very bravely. I bet you smiled and then wanted to scream. Sometimes I love that Edgar Mungst "The Scream" picture...it is so worth a thousand words.

Lastly, you are right that if I never had a tantrum, I wouldn't have had that moment in his arms and I wouldn't have a puppy. I just won't go making a habit of it. It was scarey and it did scare my husband, I'm sure. Also, I can handle one puppy, but not a whole litter.

Thanks again, fellow soldiers.

Karen

By simplyklb
Posted October 27, 2009 at 5:44 pm
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It is OK to have a tantrum! I have been the primary caregiver for both of my parents. I lost my dad on Oct. 15, 2008, to small cell lung cancer - extensive and my mom i still battling non small cell lung cancer - stage III. I have been doing this for 18 months. We caregivers have a right to have a breakdown every now and then! I've had my share over the last 18 months.

Kristi

By sheilake
Posted October 27, 2009 at 5:58 pm
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Looks like you have received wonderful feedback from others and you are in your own recovery mode.

As a caregiver with my dying Mother last year and a patient myself this year, I really think the caregiver is the harder place to be. Hope you do take care of yourself - whether that means having a tantrum at regular intervals, or finding a Care Giver's group, or whatever.

Here's wishing you grace and courage in an extremely tough place in life.

You have my heart-felt well wishes,
Sheila

By brooklyn1
Posted October 27, 2009 at 6:53 pm
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Dear Karen,
What did you name the puppy??? You have a really great husband.

Dear Everyone,
What an incredible group of people you all are. This was such a life-affirming, funny, sad, and restoring sharing. Thank you. I needed to hear alot of what was said.
Peg

By LIONHEARTEDSwife
Posted October 27, 2009 at 7:00 pm
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Puppy's name is My Bella Valentine. She is named after my labrador that recently got hit by a car. (That was probably a contributing factor to my tantrum).

It was a good sharing. I really feel somewhat Restored. Maybe that will be a fourth R for starlit Remove, Rest, Relax and Restore (touch base with the other humans out there!) Thanks, brooklyn, for sharing with me.

By cuddles53
Posted October 27, 2009 at 7:52 pm
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Don't you feel bad for one minute for having a tantrum, it is better than alcohol or pills. i know because i tried the pills, and still do. i am the patient in this case, and find days i want to throw a temper tantrum too, and I can't seem to do it, I run out of air! LOL. so I take my pills. My husband had been ill with cancer, and I know the pain of being the one to watch someone go though this as well, I think it is easier on me having the cancer, than watching someone else you love with it. Keep on doing what you need to do. I am sure your husband is seeing this, and who knows maybe it gives him strength to fight harder!
We are here for you too,. So come on here and bitch, moan and complain, I wlill gladly listen, and chime in with you. You did good girl, keep going and keep strong. . a strong woman does this from time to time. The weaker ones do as I do! pop a morphiine pill! so I envy you. you are thinking before you resort to other things. This takes courage.
God bless you.
Sandy

By Mom-1heart
Posted October 28, 2009 at 12:19 pm
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Wow! What an amazing community of people we are connected with! It is so comforting to "talk" to and "listen" to people who actually are on the same path as Dave(my husband) and I. Sometimes a little meltdown goes a long way!!!!!

By roseville
Posted November 1, 2009 at 7:32 pm
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When my husband was first diagosed(a year ago) I had a melt down or 2! That's when I realized that I need to take care of the care giver..it is so tough! Seeing a therapist (sc) helps as does talking about it. It is a tough road that we are on.

Keep in there!

Welcome to Inspire!

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