How'd that happen

rdeegee
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I cannot really believe that this happened but I did a complete meltdown in this new doctors waiting room ...I'm sitting there waiting for my appointment (he's running late of course) and it just came over me so suddenly...Another doctor I don't even know, another waiting room, more aggravation and more hurt....I'm feeling totally overwhelmed in a strange building and there isn't even one human being in that building that I know or that gives a flip about me. I don't know what this doctor even looks like...is he young, old, freaky or scary looking...young enough to be my great grand child... The next thing I know I am fighting back the tears and it doesn't help that I couldn't take a pain pill because I had to drive and so I am not exactly comfortable...and he is 45 minutes behind schedule since freaking lunch time...OK I'm bitching but my eyes are over flowing and I feel like a fool but I can't seem to stop it from happening. I mean I didn't even cry when they said 'LUNG CANCER' so why now I don't know but it happened the last time I had cancer too. I was just trudging along doing the Breast Cancer thing and then Wham! It was the morning I was going for my first radiation treatment and I just started and couldn't stop. So that is where I am now....Sitting here all by myself, thank goodness, and feeling better. The Doctor was a very nice man and I respect that he know what he will be doing next Friday ...I finally realized that part of the problem might be that what backbone I really have, I borrow from John and he wasn't there to keep me balanced and focused...He had chores to do in Austin and left me in charge of this one small insignificant little trip to the doctors office. Obviously I failed miserably but I'm going to put on my big girl panties now and see if I can't get back to feeling in control. ...Well maybe I'll have a glass of Blackstone and see if that will help....should I slip a narcotic in on top of the wine...That might be more fun...Thanks all for letting me get this whine out of my system.

I posted this on my website and a dear friend read it and called me and said...Open the wine...I'm coming over.....We killed two bottles of wine and I got it out of my system and today, I feel fabulous...well as fabulous as you can feel knowing you have lung cancer.

9 replies

WIgirl
  • By WIgirl
  • Posted September 23, 2008 at 6:05 pm

Aren't friends like that awesome?!

Believe me, you are not alone. The other day I was standing at the stove browning hamburger and the next thing I knew I was on the floor with uncontrollable sobs.

There is no right way to feel. All you can do is take things one day at a time, cry when you need to cry, scream when you need to scream, and try to smile as much as possible.

Hope tomorrow is better, and the next time you need a bottle of wine, let me know, I'll join in!

lorbethm
  • By lorbethm
  • Posted September 23, 2008 at 7:36 pm

Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to cry, whine, gripe, whatever helps you get it out of your system. I know it hit me at the oddest times. I'd be find and laughing and then crying in the next breath. I would be fine for weeks at a time and then it would wham me upside the head. Just give yourself permission to grieve. It's all a part of this emotional process.

Huge hugs. I'm so glad you have such an awesome friend! I wouldn't have made it through this past year without some awesome friends who had been there, done that, and could totally relate to what I was feeling and let me know it was OK to feel that way!

I'm praying for you. :)

Lorie

pattyp1
  • By pattyp1
  • Posted September 23, 2008 at 8:16 pm

girlfriend - you are so not alone - we're here with you.

...and....here's your thought for the day....big girl panties are over-rated...go find the lacy, skimpy ones and find someone to take care of you and peel you a grape - you've earned a peeled grape....

and the next time you see the doctor, either figure out he earned it for something he did in a past life or bake him some nice cookies!!!

hugs, friend
Pat

tazzy1994
  • By tazzy1994
  • Posted September 23, 2008 at 8:54 pm

When we first got my husbands dx I had more meltdowns in the strangest places that it is a wonder they didn't send the funny farm wagon to get me!! And whomever didn't like it could just kiss my dimply little behind.
So you just have a meltdown when you need to have one. And have a glass of wine for me! We are all in this together.

P

dpharr
  • By dpharr
  • Posted September 24, 2008 at 9:33 am

I think I'm one of the biggest crybaby on this site. I cry at good news, bad news, and just cry for no reason at all. I look around at the people in the chemo room and many of them have smiles on their faces and I think to myself what are they smiling for - don't they realize they have cancer? Unreasonable I know - but I can't seem to get past the fact that I have terminal cancer and that makes me very sad.

I dont' cry around friends and family and try to keep a positive attitude because, like you ,I don't want anyone to think I'm a whinner and complainer. I know many people on this site have it much worse than me and that makes me feel guilty for my feelings.

Bless you and good thoughts to you and all on this site.

Dorothy

JustLisa
  • By JustLisa
  • Posted September 24, 2008 at 10:11 am

I think that is how we all felt I know I was numb.. so just give yourself something to ease the pain,,

God Bless you.. sending hugs and prayers..
Lisa

Chum
  • By Chum
  • Posted September 24, 2008 at 10:12 am

Can a guy chime in? Frankly the whine and wine is all too familiar. But I added the "get into bed and go into the fetal position and sleep for 12 hours" in between the two w's. Of course, being "A MAN" meant that much of my crying had to be alone, but since I talked out loud to myself while crying, it was like being with someone. Guess gender doesn't make us so different in this respect.

Interestingly, I was just diagnosed with another "new" cancer - prostate - and I find that handling it is much easier - so I am unlike you in that. Guess I started with the "biggie" and now have one of the "lesser" beasts. We'll see when it really comes home whether I, once again, cry my eyes out. Not looking forwrd to that, but a couple of glasses of wine - now that is appeaking.

Courage

Chum

erinroro
  • By erinroro
  • Posted September 24, 2008 at 11:12 am

Meltdowns are OK! We all have/experience/need them! And it is wonderful that you have a great friend who will come to your side! And guess what - you can still feel fantastic even with lung cancer!! LC (the beast) can only take from us what we are willing to give up. We can still find happiness, joy, and good feelings - some days we have to look a bit harder than others (!), but it is still there!

Erin

peyz33
  • By peyz33
  • Posted September 24, 2008 at 11:44 am

awww- sorry you had a rough day - but sounds like the ending was quite nice....
Karen

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