How do you all stay so positive?

• By debbien
• Posted June 24, 2009 at 11:39 pm
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hi jessica

i am so sorry about the new spots on your mom's ct scan. this is a hard thing for you. my husband has 3a and i feel like every day i am waiting for the other shoe to drop. it is very hard to stay positive even tho i have Jesus to lean on. in this life we form attachments and i think He understands. the only thing you can do is pray and try to enjoy every moment with your mom. some days are like you said, where you cry your eyes out, other days you will feel stronger. try to get strength from a good friend that is very positive. in some ways it seems like your fooling yourself when you think positive, but the place your in now is a dark and sad place. it's not good to allow ourselves to remain there no matter how hard it is to crawl out. with treatments they have today, nothing is hopeless. there are people that have stage iv on this site who are alive after 8 years. that's a long time and we never know when the next treatment that will help her will come out. could be tommorow or next week. the longer we fight it with hope, the better the chances of being here for it.

this is hard on me and my kids, but when i think of what casey (my husband) is going through, surgery, chemo, radiation and dealing with the real possibility of dying, i know i have to try to be strong for him.

good luck and i am praying God will give your mom a healing and give you peace.

p.s. i am from orland hills and have a daughter who is 33. small world ain't it!

debbie

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• By Mydaddy
• Posted June 24, 2009 at 11:42 pm
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Hi Jessica,
I tell you I am not always positive, even though everyone tells you to stay positive it is extremely hard for me considering I live so far from my dad (he lives in KY and I am in AZ) which has NSCLC stage IIIb he has been through hell and back. I have days where I just cry, cry & cry. My husband tries to comfort me but he just does not know how to. I have a 7 year old daughter that is always cheering me up. She makes my dad little crafts all the time and we mail them almost on a weekly basis. I guess you just do your best in trying to stay positive but it is very HARD. I am here for you if you need me...
Marie

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• By hhhdai
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 12:01 am
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because some of us have no choice but ...

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• By saltypenguin
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 3:23 am
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Because there is no other way to be. If I live only one more day I want to live it being positive not negative.

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• By Cancerblog
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 7:38 am
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Things could always be worse. Thank God for your blessings and focus on what you have -- -- and it is easy to stay positive. A positive attitude will also help you overcome whatever lays ahead.

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• By iahawk97
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 8:15 am
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Thank you all for the responses. I do appreciate it. I sometimes think it is harder on me than my sister because she has a husband and two kids - She's got a family and I'm 33 and single. (Ironically broke up with my BF of 7 years 3 weeks before mom got sick). I don't have many distractions other than work, and most of the care for my mom falls to me because my sister does have the little ones. I do know we are lucky because mom is feeling generally well.

Debbie - Definitely a small world! We've lived in Orland for 25 years now .... I went to Sandburg - I am guessing your kids went to Andrew if you lived out this way while they were in school ....

I hope to learn more from all of you as the days go on.

Keep us in your prayers today as we start chemo again. Hopefully no blood transfusion will be needed. Unfortunately I cant donate for her and neither can my sister or my dad - She's worried about taking unknown blood. Her co-workers are awesome though and have already started to offer to donate just in case ....

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• By Nitatx
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 9:05 am
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Hang in there. We all go through the pain and times when we cry and let it loose. I know my family had a rough time, but we tried to concentrate on the positive and I tried to lead the way. Positive thinking and Laughter, believe it or not, can help cure. We brought as much humor into the house as we could. I suggest you stay with this group and concentrate on the positive. I had two bouts and part of a lung taken out, but at 71 I am three years NED in August. Now we never hang up from one another or leave without a hug and a "I love you". You and your Mom are in my prayers. Hugs, Nita

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• By terryl
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 10:23 am
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I don't always stay positive.Sometimes I am down right miserable and full of self pity. BUT, life is too short ( duh!) and I don't have time to waste being depressed. I have beaches to swim, gardens to plant, grandkids to play with, books to read, Songs to sing, friends to visit.....Doing my best to do as much as I can while I am still strong and well....Too much to do to spend time feeling sorry for myself. I have memories to make!!

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• By molar
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 11:21 am
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I have stage 4 lung cancer and I am thankful that I can still work and don't have any pain. Believe me, it isn't always easy to stay positive. I have a mantra that I say " with God's strength I can do this>" I am not an overly religious person but I know I can't fight this cancer without help from a divine source. On a bad day, I ask God to carry me that day. And humor helps a lot.

Sue M

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• By merylee
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 11:34 am
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I'm afraid of not being positive! My onc said that half this battle is mental so I'm doing my best to remain optimistic. Is it hard?? You bet! On the days I start to feel sorry for myself and start dreading the future I try to remind myself of how lucky I am and that my situation could be so much worse! It doesn't always work but I am doing the best I can. :)

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• By saltypenguin
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 11:42 am
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The website is called inspire.com. Being negative does not inspire anything.

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• By pattyp1
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 11:45 am
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I think our definition of "normal" varies from day to day and it is as natural to feel a little beat up on as it is to feel optimistic.....

hugs
Pat

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• By Chi-Dreamer
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 12:08 pm
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I ditto everything Terryl says, I guess being a family member is kind of like on the outside looking in. You can't relate to the survivor. I say I am in denial, I go for treatment and do or don't do whatever I want. I travel and play with my grandson, and live like tomorrow never comes. I have made plans for an Oct trip and am already looking at things for next year. Keep looking forward not backwards.

Lets make more Memories !!!

Linda

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• By Granny888
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 1:50 pm
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I am what I am. Often, I don't much care -- I feel like I've been putting one foot in front of the other for so many years I just don't know any other way to be.

Other days I crawl under my covers and read a book. Today I'd like to turn my stomache off, but I don't want to take anything and I can't tell you why that either. I got up for a few minutes for catching up with the board, see how my other alimta survivors are surviving, and -- I don't think I'll last long.

Other days -- am I positive? Or am I just in the habit of keeping on keeping on? Some assume the first, when I think about it I think the later. Today I don't know.

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• By Chauncey53
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 2:12 pm
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The opposite of 'positive' is not 'inspiring'.
Its part of the new world of 'normal' that set backs can be met with all the fears from the 1st DX that faded over time.
There is no expiration date on the bottom of your mom's foot - something I learned from the wonderful people on this site.
Get the tears out, come to us to vent and hugs and prayers and help your mom through this setback as best you can. Mental attitude can make a big difference in outcome - yours and your moms.

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• By CareyG
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 2:31 pm
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First of all, it is totally and completely normal to feel the way you feel. You're sad. You're going through something you've never been through before, and the anticipatory grief that you feel is a normal response.

Not everyone on here is positive all the time. I have my days where I cry and cry and cry. And I let myself feel that way because sometimes it just helps to let it out.

The thing you have to remember here is that it's okay for you not to carry this huge weight of sadness and grief around with you. I think as family members sometimes we feel guilty for laughing, having a good day, going to work, not being with our loved one, and generally going on about our life. We somehow feel like we have to be completely depressed and grief-stricken and sad in order to properly show the respect and love we have for our parent. That's not the truth, though. We CAN have good days, we CAN keep living life, we CAN laugh and be positive and cheerful and be okay.

I guess what I would say to you is be easy on yourself. Feel the sadness when you need to, but don't dwell in it. There are still good memories to be made and life to live and there are no rules that say we have to carry this heavy mountain of sadness around with us. We can leave it behind and go through this with as much grace and peace as we can.

Your situation is very much like mine - I have a sister and brother but my sister has a husband and kids, and both of my siblings live out of state. So here I am, single, and closest to my dad. I feel the weight of this differently than they do.

If you ever need to talk to someone I'm here. I know exactly what you're feeling. You're in my thoughts.

Much love,
Carey

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• By iahawk97
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 5:47 pm
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Carey - thanks so much for your words. I just might hit you up for more of them! (actually all of you).

Mom successfully started chemo today with no blood transfusion today. Here's hoping it works !

Thanks to you all for your words. I have great friends, but none (except for one who lost her dad to this last year but REFUSES to talk about it) have been through anything like this. They listen. They want to help. But they don't understand.

I am picking mom up from chemo in about 40 minutes and I'm going to take her to dinner whereever she wants to go. You can bet I will keep you all posted!

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• By azcactusgirl46
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 8:53 pm
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Dear iahawk97,
I am sorry for what you're going through as well. I read all the responses to your original post, and i can't really say anything other than what everyone else has said.
The one thing i can tell you i've learned through all of this is is that there's a difference (for me) in believing in God, and having absolute faith in God. I trust that God knows what He (or She) is doing, and His plans for me, and the outcome of my cancer are none of my business. It's about the journey, and who I can extend my experience, strength & hope to along the way. Of course I tell God all the time how much I hate this, how much i dread waking up in pain and how i wish i didn't have cancer. But i don't blame God. This simply is what it is. The journey.
Love & prayers to you & your mom. And your mom's own strength & coping skills may surprise you!! : )
All the best,
AZ46

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• By rdeegee
• Posted June 25, 2009 at 10:49 pm
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One thing that helps me is to just remember that it is one of the few things I can control. When I had Breast Cancer I was petrified....The fear of the unknown sent me into a tailspin....within just a few days to a week, I said...I cannot live with this fear. I put my fate in the big guys hands and I will live every day to it's fullest and without being afraid...and that is the same thing I have done with the Lung Cancer....I absolutely refuse to let it get me down...Oh I worry and I am concerned but I honestly just get up each day thanking god that I am alive and doing well at the moment. I think some strength comes from our own frame of mind...My own husband told me today that he wouldn't have been able to make it through all of this in a good frame of mind if it hadn't been for the strength he took from me. But in truth, it's really what keeps me going....It's kinda like the saying...

As I walk through this valley of the shadow of death., I absolutely refuse to do it with fear....

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• By nmonreal
• Posted June 26, 2009 at 12:41 am
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Jessica - It must be very difficult to watch your mom go through this process. I am stage IV and have come to accept that I will be on some drug for the rest of my life (however long that lasts). I will accept when my "time" comes and the drugs no longer work. I feel like (even though I am 45 yrs old) that I will enjoy my time on earth, as long as the drugs allow me to stay alive, but there is a reason for this disease and I will accept the path it takes me. I have always felt that each of us has a decision, we can accept our path and make the best of it, or wallow in our fears and pain. I chose to make the best of it - and to enjoy life.
I hope that you too will accept your mom's path. I hope that she will find peace and share that with you.
Nannette

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