Happy Birthday to my mom

My Mom's birthday was on June 5th. But today is the 1 year anniversary since she had her stroke. We didn't know she had lung cancer until the end of July 2008, and I still can't believe I lost her on October 5, only 4 months after her stroke, she was 73.

I wasn't sure I would make it through today because I miss her more and more as time goes by. My lips are trembling as I write to you and think about my beloved mom.

She was a handful. Full of trouble, quick wit and charm. She had the best smile of anybody. I couldn't keep up with her, and after all the years I had with her, I still never knew what was really going on. She managed to keep me on my toes my whole life, and now there is a big hole.

I never had kids because my mom was quite enough. You may think this is sad, but the honor was all mine. My mom was more like my kid, then my mom, and that's why the loss is so striking. I lost my mom, my idle, my best friend, my child, my everything...and I am not so certain I will recover.

I thought it would get easier, but it hasn't. It probably didn't help that I lost my dad from Lung Cancer only a few months before I lost my mom. I went to therapy, but, that actually didn't help all that much. I go the gym, try and eat right, and I have started a new company devoted to helping people who are ill, but none of this seems to matter today.

This pain just won't go away. I can't seem to escape, and worse, I can't even sleep through the night yet, so it's unyielding, day in and day out.

For all those people here who are so sick, let me say this, I think about you. Please try and get a doctor that really knows what they are doing. Get somebody who loves you to help since it's too hard by yourself.

And then try very hard to get well. Because there are people like me out there who continue to be in pain if you leave.

And if you feel you must leave, please say hello to my folks, and tell them how much I miss them.
Chris

By CareyG
Posted June 8, 2009 at 1:44 am
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This broke my heart.

What a beautiful, beautiful letter. People don't cry alone in my presence, and I'm tearful just reading this.

I've never had any loved one pass on, so I can't say I know what you're going through. But know there are others thinking of you, and your mom.

Give yourself a lot of time and patience. I wish all the best for you -- may you find solace in the knowing that though they may have passed they are still with you always.

Gosh, I just wish I could give you a giant hug.

-Carey

By bluestar30
Posted June 12, 2009 at 4:43 pm
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Thank you Carey,

I sure needed that. I have been so low this week thinking about her. I am happy you have not had to go through this yet...

It's so funny about moms...they can just drive you nuts, but you really don't get along all that well without them.

My mom nagged me my whole life about my hair, she preferred it long and she liked it curled. So of course I cut it and wore it straight. While she was in the hospital I curled my hair everyday, as if it would make a difference. On her birthday, I curled it, AND wore it up. I was surprised to look in the mirror and saw her looking back at me. I never realized I looked so much like her. I wore her earrings, scarf and purse all day and just held my head high thinking about her all day long. It helped a little, but I as still shattered by the end of the day.

Thank you so much for listening to me. And thanks for the cyber hug...

Best to you,
Christine

By Diba
Posted June 13, 2009 at 12:19 pm
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hi christine
sorry i am not on the site all of the time and i only just read your post. i am so sorry you are still having such a tough time. i know exactly how your feel. something is so sad about anniversaries. i just had my mom's 5 month one on the 10th and on the 15th i will have my dad's 4 year one, and then on the 20th will be my mom's birthday - the first one without her. i like your idea of wearing your mom's things that day. i have ring she gave me that i wear a lot, and i have a few shirts of hers which i will wear on the 20th in memory of her. every day is sad, but something about a 'month' or 'year', that makes it harder at that time. i hope you find peace and can sleep through the nights soon. i am sure that is what both your parents would hope for, for you. i do as well.

sending you lots of strength
hugs
lynn

By bluestar30
Posted June 13, 2009 at 2:44 pm
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Lynn,
Thanks for your thoughts. You know exactly how I have been feeling! My heart goes out to you. We are sharing a few tough weeks together. Father's Day is coming too. This will be my second without my dad, last year at this time I still had my mom, but was trying to recover from losing my dad. The fact that I had lost him made me cling to her so hard, and I was convinced this couldn't happen again. You are right the anniversary's are tough.

I think it's a good idea for you to wear her things on the 20th. It really did help me get through the day. I took a long bath in the morning to get ready to dress up for her, and I did feel close to her that entire day. Some of her smell was still on her things, and I liked that.

Here's something strange. My parents were both smokers, and it was a constant conversation my entire life. Once I said to my dad...you know, I just hate it, everything about it...especially the smell. He said to me, that's so odd, I love the smell because it reminds my of my dad. I thought he was nuts. NOW, there is a little but of smoke smell left on my mom's purse, even after I de-smoked it, and funny thing...I actually like it! Isn't that the craziest thing!

Anyway, I will be thinking of you too.
xoxoxo
Chris

By Diba
Posted June 14, 2009 at 1:06 pm
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HI Chris
How ironic, isn't it, with the cigarette smell. I suppose it is the association of it that brings back fond memories. I hope that smell lingers for a long time for you. My mom had a favorite soap that she special ordered (eucalyptus scent) and interestingly enough, I recently came across a small box that she bought for my husband a year ago. It was bitter sweet to smell it.

It is so strange not having either parent around. This is also my first year without either of them here. I know we are both so lucky to have had our parents in our lives as long as we have, but it does not make it any less sad now that they are gone.

It is the cycle of life, I know, but it is much harder to deal with than I could have ever imagined.

Well...keep strong and do keep in touch. I hope you have a better few weeks before the Father's day blues hit us.

Hugs to you
Lynn

By bluestar30
Posted June 15, 2009 at 12:17 am
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Hi Lynn,
Yeah, I never imagined this would hurt so very much. I feel bad because I did not give enough support to my parents when they lost their parents...I don't recall them being as distraught as I am. Maybe the generations are different in that I was closer to my parents then they were to theirs...I don't know.

I can imagine about the soap you found.

Thanks for writing to me. It does help to know somebody is understanding. My two brothers don't seem nearly as broken up as I am...and they didn't all along this path either...girls are just different, I suppose...

Good Night,
Chris

By Luv4M-I-L
Posted June 15, 2009 at 12:21 pm
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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to cancer 6 years ago and my dad to ALS 5 months later. I can tell you it does get easier. At first I was sad, then mad (they didn't fight hard enough). Mad @ God, He could have saved them. Then sad again. People will tell you, things happen for a reason, but that's not what you want to hear. I am married with a daughter, but my sister is single, no kids. Like you, my mom was her best friend. They did everything together. She works a lot, doesn't really go out, etc. At first she was closed off, but now she can talk about my parents and remember the good times. It's still sad and we miss them, but it's easier to get through each day. God will give you comfort if you ask Him. I thought He wasn't there when i needed Him, but I realize now that I was the one who had shut Him out; not the other way around. Lean on God and friends and family. If you have someone who will just let you vent, when you're having a bad day, it will help. If you need to write to me, that's fine too. I hope this helps, even a little. You'll be in my prayers.
Tawni

By bluestar30
Posted June 15, 2009 at 1:05 pm
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Hi Tawni,
Thanks for writing to me. You are right, I spend a lot of time between sad and mad, and as for God, I gave up on him completely. I used to believe in ghosts, but no more because I have asked my parents to come back and haunt me, but I haven't seen them, so now I am thinking they can't come.

I am wondering about there being a reason. Through my mourning, I have come up with a gift company for people who are suffering with Cancer, and donating some profits towards an early detection blood test. I would not have done this if my parents hadn't both died. I tried so hard to cure their cancers while I had them, but failed...so now I continue to find something...and I wonder, oh my god, did they have to die so I could invent invent something?? I am only doing it to sooth my grief.

Well, I don't know much at all, that's for sure. Right now I don't believe in all that much...

Thank you for the hope of feeling better one day. I am afraid to let the pain go because if I do, then I lose another part of them.

Chris

By Diba
Posted June 15, 2009 at 2:30 pm
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Hi Chris,
That is so strange that you mentioned about not remembering your parents suffering as much as we are. I was thinking the same thing about a week ago. I was quite young when my father's parents died and it was one of the only times I remember him crying (that and when he got divorced from my step mother and lost continual access to my half sister). I don't remember my mom being upset when she lost her parents but I am sure she was. I think they just sheltered us from their sadness. I know I probably would do the same thing around my son if he were older, as I would not want him to be sad for me.

And like you, I also have two brothers who seem to carry their grief differently than me. I think it is also a male macho thing. We as women, show our emotions - mainly sadness more than men do. I know my brothers are quite sad, but I think they are just conditioned to not show it or let it slow them down.

And again, another parallel...when I lost my dad, I really got caught up in a downward spiral of sadness. I did not want to come out of it either, as to me, it meant I was moving on which equated to forgetting him. Being so down was a way to hold onto him in some sad, bizarre way. I eventually learned that this is really not the case, and just becuase I was able to cope with the loss better as time went on, it did not mean I missed him any less or was forgetting about him. This has helped me learn to live with the loss of my mom with less guilt for having good days. I know she would rather me have happy fulfilling days than ones filled with sadness over her. It does not mean I do not miss her terribly.

Anyway, hang in there. I think it is actaully healthy and normal to have 'our moments' no matter how long it has been since we lost a parent :-(

Hugs
Lynn

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