It's been 3 months now with having had no chemo, and we are out of options at this point. John's breathing is becoming worse, and he is now using an oxygen machine at night. His tumors are still growing. His oncologist told us a month ago to talk about Hospice. John isn't totally bed ridden at the moment, but he's becoming more and more limited at what he can do, where he can go due to his breathing issues. I believe God can still come in and do a miracle healing, and I hope and pray He does! But from where I am sitting though, John's not getting any better. His Oncologist also told me 4 months ago, when my husband was in the hospital with Atrial Flutter, that he didn't see John being here within a year. I am possibly looking at becoming a widow in the near future. He's been my one and only everything for 24 yrs, married for 22 of them. I'm having feelings of guilt over thinking or "preparing" for the future, and he's not even gone yet! The guilt isn't just about getting the Will in place, to move or not to move, or making his "final arrangements", but it's also thoughts of possibly getting married again that I feel guilty about. I don't want my husband to die, but I don't want him to suffer any more. He's literally dying right beside me, and I feel as though a part of me is dying too. Sometimes, I have thoughts about wanting God to take him on Home so he won't have to suffer anymore. That brings huge guilt. I, too, agree that it's much harder being the caregiver than the patient! Any advice for me? Thanks!
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Guilt
- By byHISgrace
- Posted June 30, 2009 at 11:55 pm · 8 replies
- In Non-small cell lung cancer - Stage IV
- Shared with the public
8 replies
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- By Lroos
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 1:43 am
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I can understand the guilt. I think everyone whose spouse gets this goes through it. My advice is to focus on his needs for the present, because the future will be here soon enough and there is precious little time to just provide the most basic human support that a wife can give. He needs your smile, your love, and his hand held often. He is entering a dark and scary place and will need your chipper attitude even in the face of pain and frustration. For your support? Take walks, breaks,
and meet with friends for short lunches. The future will get figured out later. Hang in there.
- By patriciad
- Posted July 1, 2009 at 4:07 pm
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Oh boy, I wish you had said these things when I was going through this a few months back because every single thing that you have thought, I have too(and I was also married to my only sweetheart for 25 years-knew him for 31).
First, I would call hospice now. A call is just a call and they will meet with you and tell you how they can help you. That is my biggest regret-not having hospice sooner(only had them for 5 days and recently a social worker told me that the average hospice time is one week to 10 days). So sad because they were such a huge support to us.
My husband and I did some planning but didn't focus all of our time on that. We made wills together and I looked into his benefits from work-like would health insurance go on(yes), would I get a pension(no) and hat type of life insurance did he have. Those things didn't take up a lot of time and I have to tell you that Billy was happy to know that we would be taken care of.
All the other stuff is normal too(unless both of us aren't normal). Billy has been gone 9 weeks and I wonder sometimes if I will be alone forever or if i will someday find someone to spend my life with. We never discussed it but I know that he would want me to find happiness wherever I could. I loved him so and he really loved us. So, you know the answer to that one.
Go and give hospice a call and then go hang out with that great guy of yours. I am so happy that was my focus the last few months of Billy's life-I have such good memories of us spending time together.Memories keep you going later.
Pat
- By jyuan
- Posted July 2, 2009 at 10:52 am
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I understand you completely. Every word you said is what I would have said before last Saturday, before my dear sister passed away. I wish there were hospice in China so my sister wouldn't have suffered so much. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone for having that kind of quilt feeling.
-Jing
- By ERAUEE
- Posted July 2, 2009 at 4:45 pm
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I understand all about the guilt that you are feeling. Dad has Stage IV that is advancing quite rapidly and I went through the guilt stage and then the anger stage... but you know, Dad said it best one weekend when I was visiting him in NC - focus on the good times we had and the laughter that was there.
Sure, we sometimes had a rough relationship - what child and parent doesn't have those times in their lives. Unfortunately, this is the 2nd time that I am going through this and although I was somewhat emotionally removed from this because it was my wife's great aunt, this illness with my dad is a kick in the gut.
Hospice is a great thing. Those folks I have had the pleasure to meet are all awesome and there is nothing wrong with asking for help. Too many times do we try to be tough and strong but this is not the time. Prayer has helped me a great deal and I will keep you in mine. Hang tough - I know it's not easy
- By KathysMate
- Posted July 3, 2009 at 3:06 pm
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Hi,
Guilt is like molasses, it is sticky, and acts like quicksand to progress. do not get me wrong or feel that I am cold and/or uncaring. but only one of you are dying. If you were the one with the cancer, would you want him to mourn for the rest of his life?????????????? My wife died of NSCLC, almost 5 years ago, and I have been in two relationships since she died. I miss her greatly and always will but I also have to go on living. You get used to someone being there each day, after so many years of being together, that it makes it pretty tough to all of a sudden being alone.
http://www.lungusa.org/siteapps/testimonial/index.aspx?c=hkLUI4OXH&b=40293& sid=beIJJROpGfIJJSNFH
http://www.lungcanceralliance.org/hope_photos/kathleen_and_tom_driscoll.jpg
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&frien dID=75266583&albumId=2496980
We only had 4 1/2 months from the diagnosis until God relieved Her from her suffering.
Prayer has a healing effect. Dwell on the good times, they are the ones that count.
May God watch over you and give you the strength necessary to cope.
- By Truelove71
- Posted July 3, 2009 at 3:29 pm
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You can't feel guilty for wanting God to take John home.When you see someone you love that much and know what beautiful wonders our Heavenly Father has for us we should want them to go.Of course we don't want them to leave us but please don't feel bad about not wanting the love of your life to hurt anymore.
I believe sometimes it is harder to be the care giver than anything I've ever done before.To watch my daughter sick and go through so much that I never dreamed I would have to face is hard.We would all much rather go through it for them.
I also know that your husband would want you to be happy again after all the heartache you have endured so when the time comes and you find someone to love just know that John would want it.
God Bless you,
Deanna ( Hugs and Smooches)
- By dianarose
- Posted July 3, 2009 at 7:17 pm
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God made you that beautiful person that comes out in your words. I join you in praying for the miracle. And I also join you in supporting what you and John are going through at this very moment. No guilt where grace lives, and HIS grace certainly lives in you. Your friends have given you good advice about hospice, etc. God certainly wants to surround you with all the help you need. And know that your beloved is always intimately embraced by the Lord with a love and grace sufficient to make his burdens light. Love, Diana
- By reidlin
- Posted July 6, 2009 at 11:04 pm
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Please call Hospice. When my father passed hospice came to the hospital and was their for my family. My father was ready to go home (heaven). Hospice comforts the family and take care of the patient. My father prepared his finance for the day of his departure and this was a burden my mother did not have to carry.
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