I suspect I am not the only one concerned about loss of energy and lack of desire to do some things. I started losing interest in many things (going out dancing, movies, bicycling, and other physical things) about 10 years ago, which was the same time I seemed to have lost energy. Now, my wife constantly is on my case to do things--things I really do not want to do. I have taken several trips since my diagnosis--Hawaii last summer, Mexico last December, Newport, RI in May of this year, and I will be going to Puerto Rico and Hawaii in August of this year.
I noticed, however, that I simply do not want to go to concerts and many other things, particularly those where I have long walks from the car to the event. When I come home from work, all I want to do is rest.
My wife, on the other hand, never wants to be home and becomes agitated when I state No, I don't want to go. I really do not feel like it. I was wondering if other individuals have had the same experience in their relationship and how they might have dealt with it.
Jim
Already a member? Sign in
Welcome to Inspire!
What - Inspire is a place where you can connect with people who share your health concerns and find information and advice in groups sponsored by organizations you know and trust.
Why - As a member you can use Inspire to let friends and family know how you're doing, contact others who share your health concerns, receive personalized updates and information about participating in surveys and clinical trials, and more.
How - Joining Inspire is completely free and usually takes less than a minute. Join now!
Getting partner to understand cancer/chemo effects
- By diamond
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 9:52 am · 46 replies
- In Family members and caregivers
- Shared with the public
Explore topics in this discussion:
Exercise Cancer Chronic bronchitis Falls Acne Chemotherapy Tarceva Bronchitis Zoloft Stress Asthma Arthritis Stroke Diabetes Taxotere Pain Memory Depression
46 replies
- Oldest first
- Newest first
- By mickyinko
- Posted June 29, 2009 at 8:28 pm
- Report post
I must be really lucky, in that I have a wife that never ever complains and whatever i need or want to do or not do, she is 100% behind me, if I want to sleep, she will sleep beside me, if I want to go out for a walk she will come with me. But completely understand what we are going through, I don't think that is possible but at the same time my wife truly tries to understand and that is all that matters to me anyway.
Take care and god bless MICKY
- By BetsyT
- Posted June 29, 2009 at 1:31 pm
- Report post
Jim,
A cancer DX changes us-Like it or not. Some of us spend our lives pleasing other people only to find when we need them they are unable to step-up.
I have found I have gotten closer to my own truth-who I am & what REALLY is required of me. What/who really matters.
Some relationships "worked" for years -Contingent on my doing for them. This is painful stuff to look at.
Finally accepting that the only person I could change was myself has been a bitter-sweet awakening.
Don't doubt yourself-Keep moving towards YOUR light. Betsy
- By 2748
- Posted June 29, 2009 at 12:17 pm
- Report post
Hi Jim i,m kind of shocked at your wifes behavior and her lack of sympathy.I just lost a brother to brain cancer on the 8th of may.He and his wife were married for 41years and she was the most nurtuing and loving wife up to the end .I personally find your wifes behavior selfish and she does not sound very loving.I,ve been married 35 years and if all my husband could do was sit and talk i would feel at least we are together.I do not meen to sound negative or hurt your feelings i just don,t understand her lack of sympathy or i should say her lack of caring.Hve you been married long or has she always been so selfish.
- By CancerFreeColleen
- Posted June 29, 2009 at 11:25 am
- Report post
Jim,
My husband is a lot like you. He's always enjoyed spoiling me, and takes pride in his ability to do so.
When he had the triple heart bypass, I stepped up to the plate and took care of him. After that, he spoiled me even more than he had before (which was no small task).
Then when I got cancer, he morphed into Superman. He was working sixty hours per week, paying all the bills, doing all the cooking and cleaning, taking me to the doctor, etc.
He made it look so easy. He was clearly happy to do these things for me, and I was so wrapped up in myself I didn't give it much thought beyond just being grateful to him, and impressed by him.
Shortly after I finished chemo, as I was reaching a point when I was ready to start taking over some of the responsibilities again, he had a massive stroke. I guess it wasn't as easy as he pretended.
He was completely paralyzed on the right side (he was right handed), unable to speak, on a respirator and feeding tube, lost some memory, and had cognitive impairment.
That was a year ago today. He had extensive rehabilitation at some of the finest facilities. Now he can walk with a hemi-walker and a leg brace, talk a little bit, eat and breathe normally, and has some improvement in memory and cognition. He hasn't gotten back any use of his right arm.
He sorts the mail after I bring it to him, and helps me when I write out the bills. He keeps the refrigerator organized, throwing out whatever food is spoiled. He sometimes heats up a can of food in the microwave. I do everything else. I mean everything. That includes his personal grooming. Thank God he no longer has the standards he had as a drill instructor, because I can't live up to them, and he's no longer capable of yelling at me to drop and give him twenty.
I'll spend the rest of my life taking care of him. He can count on me. I just wish he'd counted on me sooner. And I wonder who'll take care of him if I die first.
Just some food for thought. I don't know how this might apply to your situation. Do you?
- By diamond
- Posted June 29, 2009 at 10:24 am
- Report post
Thanks to all for very useful and honest responses--much to think about. I can't help wonder, in my case, if my gripe is more about wanting to do what I want to do. That is, I may (probably do not) not have a lot of time left, and with what time I do have, perhaps I just want to call the shots relative to my own life, or at least deciding about things to do. I don't know. I know I hate the concerts my wife likes--kind of music that makes one angry--at least it does me. The concerts are crowded, hot, and very expensive. Heck, the bathroom floors are soaked wet with urine.
I know I am weak and tired, and now via Tarceva have pimples, which itch like *&$*--despite topical medications.
I can't believe it--acne at 62'. What a heck of a note--but I can think of lots of worse things.
Jim
- By rmhayes
- Posted June 29, 2009 at 8:42 am
- Report post
I've been thinking about this and as I reread my own post to you..felt the urge to add to it. You see, I am the one in this family who can't sit still. I can't do much and I generally pay for couple days for a walk in the park. But I am still going to try it. (short, brief walk in the park) My husband has never been into doing much at all. Oh, he piddles around the house calling it house work but nothing is ever finished or cleaned up for that matter; more like picked up and I am grateful for that much. I want to go camping, to the parks, riding, and generally anything that will get me outta this house...sick or not. From way some of your posts are reading...your able to outdo me by a long shot. things you do on a daily basis suggests maybe its little more with your wife than her wanting to do more than your able. Maybe she is just wanting to do more than your wanting to do with her. Ya might outta take a closer look at your situation seems to me theres more going on here than just you not feeling up to par. reread your own posts....and be honest with yourself.
robin
- By Roger1
- Posted June 29, 2009 at 3:26 am
- Report post
Dear Jim,
I just read through all these posts and I must say, this has all gotten me very upset. At your wife. I do come to the party with a few qualifications; my wife and I have been married for 30 years and in business together for 30 years.
In 2006 she was diagnosed with nsclc, had chemotherapy, a pneumonectomy, and a subsequent adrenalectomy.
When she was diagnosed, our smooth-sailing ship took a giant veer. Suddenly we found ourselves in a new reality, became members of a new "community" and were challenged by a whole new set of unexpected priorities and possible outcomes. Our whole ship turned, not just half the ship.
I think the posters have thus far treated your wife with kid gloves (save for maybe Karen, but even she was more civil that I feel like being). If you remember Jim, wedding vows included the concepts of "through thick and thin" and "in sickness and in health." Don't you get it? She's just not on board.
So enough with the nautical metaphors...
My point is that going out to entertain herself 5 nights a week, dragging you to poisonous environments, and not pitching in are signs of someone who is either clueless, immature, or just cannot understand the concept of contributing one's fair share. Her behavior is not only bad for your health, it sabotages your healing process, and is probably shortening your life.
I have a few friends that are trapped in multi-decade-long bad marriages. What they have in common is that they all seem to prefer a bad marriage to no marriage at all. I know that extricating yourself from such a proposition is not only exhausting, but is costly and intricate. But is a constant and deep chord of unhappiness and imbalance better?
I cannot see how you continue to accept this behavior, especially if she is not providing anything substantive to aid in your recovery. The snapshot I get from you? You are extremely giving, extremely compliant and probably don't speak up for yourself enough within the framework of the marriage. Get a clue and see this situation for what it really is; all you are doing, in my opinion, is rewarding her bad behavior.
Roger
- By karenere
- Posted June 29, 2009 at 12:19 am
- Report post
Please do not take this the wrong way, but after reading your post, it seems to me you have a very self-centered wife. Does she have a job to take some of the burden of the ins off of you, or you leaving her a ton of money when you die? Really, I'm sorry to sound like this but it's supposed to be a 50/50 deal here. My husband has type 1 diabetes for years now. I had to take care of him all these years with regard to his sugar dropping, mood swings, etc..
Well, guess what, I am going to do whatever I want to do from now on, even if it means sleeping later in the morning. All I am collecting is social security disability, and some long term ins though my company. I do a lot of things, but no more do I push myself for the sake of others. You know what, I owe Sloan $60,000 because of some mix up with the ins companies. I spent so much time and effort appealing everything, contacting the attorney general, but now I am at the point that if they want to put a lien on my house, I don't give a crap. I'll be dead anyway. I worked my whole life, stressful jobs... for what? I think your wife is a little spoiled. It's not that I think you shouldn't spoil her, but you are a sick man and that is downright mean to push you to do things you feel you can't do anymore. Sorry if I offended you but that's how I feel.
Karen
PS No one in this world is perfect, but you seem like an exceptional husband.
- By susie2
- Posted June 28, 2009 at 4:13 pm
- Report post
I feel exactly the same, since changing treatments i am more tired and i feel my husband just doesnt understand. I almost feel him sighing at me when i refuse to go camping, i just dont have the energy. I managed to hike up to a hot spring the other day but was so exhausted i just wanted to cry. Infact 2 minutes ago he asked me to go on a bike ride and its 90 degrees outside. To be honest it makes me feel useless and angry at myself for being in this position at 32. I even find myself getting angry with him for not understanding, its so frustrating.
x
- By esmerelda
- Posted June 28, 2009 at 1:32 pm
- Report post
I'm a full time professor and I'm retiring on Sept. 1 when I reach 62. I teach online classes from home so you might look into that. Regarding your wife, I have the same problems. I am the caregiver for my 89 year old mother and she's demanding. But I am just so tired and short of breath that I couldn't do my regular chores. So I called my brother and he came down and is handling things for me. Unfortunately, he had to take a leave of absence so we will be supporting him, but we'll manage.
One of my biggest problems is my friends who constantly invite me to dinner, call, visit and generally wear me out. I don't want people to call daily or take me to dinner. I don't eat much anyway. They seem to think I'm normal and I'm not. They are being kind to me so it's hard to tell them to back off. My doctor said to just say No, so I'm doing that. Everyone thinks that if you can't do a lot of activities, you must be depressed, but I've had clinical depression twice and this is nothing like that. I'm not depressed. I'm tired and weak.
My upper left lung collapsed and I can take about 12 steps before I have to sit down and gasp for 5 minutes. I find this irritating. But it's really nice to know that I'm not alone, so thanks for your post.
- By diamond
- Posted June 28, 2009 at 1:22 pm
- Report post
Morning all:
My day is as follows: (1) went to local convenience store to purchase paper for my 96 year old mother (she lives with us); (2) off to Walmart for juice and milk; (3) then to Lowes to purchase snake away (under porch full of garter snakes--good for mice but don't like their company on porch); (4) to local Ollies to buy silverware for move to beach; (5) waxed wife's car and cleaned inside; (6) took out meat for cook out; and (7) getting ready to leave to furniture store to pick up throw row. Pretty much like everyone else.
If interested, I live in a state with few smoking restriction. In my local area, I would have to go 65 miles one way to find a non-smoking restaurant--all local have smoking/non-smoking sections but it is kind of silly--sections are open and near each other and bars allow smoking. This will change next week--July 1, when all become non-smoking.
Wife scared--I doubt it--just POed most of time. She does have a good heart--I think! She just can't stand staying at home.
Jim
- By Marg
- Posted June 28, 2009 at 9:36 am
- Report post
Hi Jim,
I don't think I have anything to add, but I'm amazed at what you can do. My Mike stopped work the day he was diagnosed. Luckily, our health insurance is through my work. He has gone into his office about once a month to consult, but there is NO WAY he could go to the office every day. He has picked up some of the housekeeping duties, cleaning, laundry.
As for your wife's attitude. We, who have to watch our loved one's go through this, all react differently. And I wouldn't dare criticize how she is reacting. I fly between wanting to wrap Mike in bubble wrap and protect him and pushing him to do things while he can (while I can with him.) I suspect your wife is scared. But maybe I'm just projecting my feelings.
Isn't it wonderful that we have this site to bare our souls and share our feelings? I hope you have a restful day today.
Marg
- By Veronique
- Posted June 28, 2009 at 6:40 am
- Report post
Dear Jim,
It's very natural, that you are worn out, your energy flied away. All chemo and pills are very hard and your immun system has a limit, too. When I had chemo and radiation, I was so much depressed that I had to take antisepressant and than I felt much better, and I started to face with my state. I would suggest you to take it just to be able to keep your fate in your hand, and to be stronger emotionally.
- By easterbaby
- Posted June 28, 2009 at 2:18 am
- Report post
Before my sister got on Zoloft she had no interest in things she used to do before. She made a trip to Disneyworld in March so she could go with her only grandchild. Her heart was not in it and by the second day she was ready to come back. She told me she did not want to go anywhere for the rest of the year as I would like for her to go on a cruise. I don't care if we get off the ship or not. I just think it can be relaxing.
Since she has been on Zoloft she is taking interests in doing things again. Not to say that your situation could be depression because, Lord do you do alot. My husband does the cooking and taking care of the house and I am the main breadwinner. He was Mr. Mom with our kids who are now in their twenties. I would do the yardwork because I found it helpful with dealing with stress.
This disease is overwhelming emotionally, mentally and physically. Do try to spend some time with your wife but you call the shots where you want to go and when you do feel like going out. She may just try to stay busy out of fear.
- By staceym
- Posted June 28, 2009 at 12:30 am
- Report post
It just hit me - you go to restaurants where there is smoking - aren't you supposed to avoide that type of environment? I am completely paranoid with that - my hsuband has friends who still smoke and at this point they get that when they do so they cannot be near him.
- By staceym
- Posted June 27, 2009 at 9:23 pm
- Report post
Jim, My hsuband was diagnosed with Stage 11B NSCLC. He had a pneumonenctomy a few years back and his doctors have told him that if he becomes sedentary he is going to get tired easily, develop more aches etc. Well, he has become the couch potato! And we blame most of it on depression and the vicious cycle it brings - he refuses antidepressants but when he was on them he had a great year - looked fantastic! I have decided that I have to support him, I still nudge him but he is very content to let me do it all - on some days, yes, I am very hurt and upset that he can just sit and watch me take care of our home. He was an active man and I just hope and pray that he gets it together. Today, he did laundry for the first time in about 1.5 years. His doctor just told him 15-20 min walk per day would give him the quality of life that he wants - but my husband just refuses to do it - there are times, when I know he can't but he is physically capable and still won't do it.
You sounds like you are still quite active - your wife could be in denial or just have high expectations of you.
- By claires
- Posted June 27, 2009 at 2:25 pm
- Report post
I know what you mean. Would it help if you get dropped off in front OR if (as in art museum) there is a wheel chair for you?
- By mare
- Posted June 27, 2009 at 2:18 pm
- Report post
Jim,
Maybe a compomise with your wife might help. Honestly tell her you are tired and rightlfully so. How you are able to do all you do is amazing. Maybe a housekeeper/cook would help. I know that is expensive but if you could not hire one perhaps your wife and children could help. It is time for a little family support. If some of these tasks are off your back you might have more energy to enjoy your wife and family.
I know every couple falls into their own family routine and ours was much like yours. I must say my family has stepped up to bat and when I tell them I really need help they get on it.
Maybe you all would benefit at looking at just what is everyone's priority.
Hope this does not sound pushy. But you shared so much and I wanted to share what worked for us.
God Bless.
Mary
- By who-me
- Posted June 27, 2009 at 2:14 pm
- Report post
Diamond Jim,
Your thread has kind of struck a cord with me....
I had a very dear friend that passed, coming up on twenty years ago.... Her husband found it easier to try to ignore what was happening with her then to face the fear of it all.
Your situation sounds similar....
Fear can be powerful. It is so much easier to resent and dismiss then to face that damn fear. To me your wife sounds scared.
I tell my mom she was not the only one who got cancer the day of her diagnosis.... we all did.
Add to the discussion