Most of you know me from this forum, you can read my journal and my posts, I really don't hold back much but, there is something I have never discussed with anyone and certainly never posted here because it's not at all inspirational and it defies what most people consider to be an absolute requirement for survival.
ATTITUDE
The first year, or so, after being diagnosed stage 4, I had a horrible attitude, NOTHING positive in any way. I was angry with God and the world in general.
I came from a "broken and disadvantaged home" and vowed my children would not suffer the same fate. I was successfully keeping that vow until November 30th 1999, my twin sons were 6 1/2 yrs old and we were considering another child.
BOOM! The world changed...I was going to die soon and had no control over my life or my familys' lives. I went through the surgeries and treatments ad nauseum but, thought about death and my sons fate EVERY single day, it would slip into my conscious thoughts constantly, the dread, the anger, the bewilderment. After months and months of this I escaped somewhat into the painkillers that clouded these feelings. They never went away completely though and finally the thought came to me that I wasn't being much of a father in the state I was in so I listened to this "voice", got off the meds and decided whatever time I had left would be spent with my family, raising, teaching, nurturing and loving my sons. We decided it wouldn't be fair to have any more children given the circumstances. My sons are 16 now and they're good, bright kids.
I don't think this post is inspirational but, I wanted Kathy, ksep, to know that it's OK to be down and get back up again.
God has some sense of humor and doesn't give up on us, even if we give up on ourselves.
That's all I have to say about that,
G
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Dirty Little Secret...for ksep
- By stage4survivor
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 12:34 am · 33 replies
- In Non-small cell lung cancer - General
- Shared with the public
Explore topics in this discussion:
Cancer Pain Leukemia Pneumothorax Pancreatic cancer Breast cancer
33 replies
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- Newest first
- By sojourner
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 12:39 am
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God bless you. It is like that poem Footprints in the Sand. God does stand by us even when we are angry with him. How wonderful that you have had 16 years with your sons. I do think that every one of us has, and is entitled to, had those angry and down days. One foot in front of the other.
Blessings, Donna
- By cuddles53
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 1:15 am
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That was quite inspirational, it was for me, thank you.
God bless you.
Sandy
- By ddh60
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 3:17 am
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Thank you. This helps me deal with those down days as well.
God Bless you.
Daphne
- By marilou122
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 7:55 am
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After being a 10+ year survivor....I'd say you have great attitude!
- By claires
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 8:03 am
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Actually, your post is, if not inspirational, consoling. About 13 years ago I had one lobe removed and then the next. Trust me. My attitude was awful. As time went on it improved until I suddenly got a stage IV diagnosis two years ago. Alimta has kept me stable now for a long time, and, guess what? My attitude goes from enjoying to accepting to positive. Thanks for sharing.
- By jazzbo
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 9:25 am
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G man , what strength you have shown all of us today. You are the inspiration for a ton of people on this site and I'm sure in your whole life. Your family knows this and probably show you how much of an inspiration you are everyday to them. You know George exactly what I'm talking about. Good for you and the world which is a much better place because you're still in it.- Take care, John
- By ION43
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 9:54 am
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Sharing isn't easy for most of us, but when the spirit moves someone like you to do so, it turns out to be a marvelous move! Thank you so much for making the effort and taking the time to post your story; Well Said!
Irene
- By peyz33
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 10:07 am
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George - you surely know that the turn around is so inspirational - it is what we all come to realize after we deal with the denial, anger, fear, treatment etc. - you are and always have been an inspiration on this board!
xxx
Karen
- By debra1
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 11:37 am
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It was very inspirational to any of us that have been in the same negative mood when diagnosed.....which I would think a high percentage. The inspiration was that you turned it around. Thanks.
- By Mar24
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 12:24 pm
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Thank you for being an inspiration and telling it like it is. One thing I have found out over the years, that after losing my brother to Leukemia at age 14 and my mom to Pancreatic Cancer 3 years ago. That God knows as angry as I was at him for letting things like this happen to good people, in the end he will still love me and I him. As one person wrote, "God is Not Mean-sometimes bad things happen to good people". Thanks for sharing your story and giving us all a reason to keep on fighting.
Maribeth
- By ksep
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 4:53 pm
- Report post
G....
Thank you for your post. More than thank you.....you took the time to write and share your story with me and everyone. I feel generally I have had a good attitude. I just had an "episode" of being just gripped with fear. I do not show it to my husband. I wish he like being on the computer, I think he could benefit from talking to others. That's part of the problem is since he lost his job he doesn't really have anybody to talk to. He won't really talk to anybody about it. Possibly his friend that is here now visiting from Tx that went through cancer also. It's not that you have to talk about it all of the time but I think everybody needs somebody that they can talk to. Of course I am here for him but neither one of us wants to show our fear to the other. Thank you again for taking the time to share your story. Kathy
- By stage4survivor
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 5:10 pm
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Kathy,
Rarely do we want to acknowledge our fears, FORGET verbalizing them!
I'd be happy to talk to him by phone.BTW, I'm a Hoosier, grew up in Indynaplus went to IU, moved to NY in '76.
Best,
G
- By misself
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 5:49 pm
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I am also inspired by your experience and what you have done.I hope you and your family are blessed with many more years together.Andi B
- By chazman16
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 8:37 pm
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You don't think that post was inspirational? I'm almost one year out from my diagnosis and have two children, 11, and 14. All those thoughts you shared always run through my head as well. I was truly inspired by your post and I thank you.
- By jr1
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 9:47 pm
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Thank you for sharing your feelings. That voice you heard definitely had to be God. I try very hard to listen to his voice although it is hard at times when I get depressed dealing with this ugly disease. I know we should not waste the moments we have left, but it is difficult at times not to be angry with the difficulties we have to go through with this disease process. I love your attitude and will try to keep your story in my mind to use as an example of what I need to do.
Janet
- By karenere
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 9:48 pm
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WOW, George, that was a wonderful post.
Thank you for sharing that. I was very upset a few minutes ago, crying, stressed, etc., not about the cancer, just personal stuff. I read your posting and I feel so much better. Thank you, G
- By D1
- Posted June 26, 2009 at 11:30 pm
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Anger is a very valid and real emotion. I think anyone dx with a life threatening illness has a right to be angry. Most of us are not as strong as George, not able to overcome the anger. Others choose denial. I know my husband never talks about having been dx with lc in 11/06. He views it as a past event, a dark secret. On the other hand, I think about the lc much of the time and worry most of the time. I'm not angry, because that is not one of my traits, but I'm terrified. I saw my younger sister die of metastatic breast cancer in her early forties, and I know the horrors of cancer. I know the pain of expecting a miracle and not getting one. So, although I am once again expecting a miracle and believing my husband is well, that interior fear won't go away.
As for George, my brave friend, he gives me hope.......
- By stage4survivor
- Posted June 27, 2009 at 12:38 am
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Uhhh, let's see, I've been called inspiring, strong and brave but, we all have these qualities. I'm really no different than anyone here. Perhaps I have a little more experience than some but, we all teach and support each other. I simply try to pass on what I've learned and expect others to do the same when I'm gone.
What I represent is the possibility of survival, not a death sentence, hope for all of us.
I am A stage4survivor, not THE stage4survivor.
G
- By mariannebreathes
- Posted June 27, 2009 at 2:26 am
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Thank you for your post-
I have often been told " you are such a positive person"! How are you always so up beat? I admire you...blah blah blah ........the whole time i was pretty much quaking in fear and anger and couldn't understand why I couldn't show this - I was fearful to look weak and negative.
Your message really hit home for me because my daughter is six and I pray ( I remember to , MOST nights) I will be here for sweet sixteen too!
God bless you
Marianne
- By Chi-Dreamer
- Posted June 27, 2009 at 9:28 am
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Darn George, I thought you were going to share some juicy tidbits, nothing dirty about those secrets.
I continue to look toward the future, and I guess stay in denial, yeah I know I am stage 4 but sometimes I don't care.
I do such a good job that everyone depends on me as usual, I take care of my 88 yr old Mother, I babysit my grandson, my youngest son is struggling to be on his own and it strains me when he asks for help or when he doesn't. Sometimes I get angry and want to scream at them Hey I'm the one that has cancer, what about me.
The only one that doesn't ask for anything is my wonderful husband. If the house is a mess he doesn't say anything, if I don't feel like cooking he will, but we don't talk about my illness either.
Wow am I on a pity pot?? Today I will be going to my niece's graduation party, and I will say I am fine when everyone asks. So being positive and living well has it's downside, when the emotions don't fit the physical.
Maybe the deaths of Farrrah and MJ just put my mind in over drive.
Nothing is going to change right now cause I will continue to live as I am and need to remind myself that so many of you are having such a harder battle than I am and should take joy in the fact that I am doing so well.
Now I sound like I'm rambling. Thanks for letting me vent, and George thanks for starting this discussion, you help more than you know.
Linda
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