Advice needed - Is my dad giving up?

Hope4Pops
0 Recommendations

I hope the title doesn't offend anyone. My dad has had wbr and has done 2 rounds of Gamzar and Carboplatin since diagnosed in September. Ended up in ER w/ dizziness and vision problems last week. Tumers have gone down and so has the swelling in the brain but the bleeding is what the doctors say is caused the dizziness. They say this is common w/ tumers that have shrunk. This is good new for the most part (reduced swelling around brain) but the lung cancer has increased. They changed his chemo to carboplatin and and drug called Docetaxel. I know that radiation and chemo knock a person on their rear as far as exhaustion but my dad literally gets up to eat and use the bathroom and that is it. He does not have pain which I am very thankful for. He is no longer dizzy. He is very tired. And depressed. I just feel helpless. His sister takes care of him right now. I have tried to get him to come stay here w/ my family (2 1/2 hours away) but he declines. I just feel that he is sort of giving up. I want him to get out of bed and do things. What can I say to him? How can I help him? I worry about him day in/day out. I make numerous trips to see him. He won't get out of bed then either. Thanksgiving he was so agitated w/ the company that we all walked on eggshells so we wouldn't agitate him. He stayed in his bedroom the entire time. He won't do anything for himself as far as coping strategies. I asked him if he would read a book of success stories that offer hope. He said "I don't think so". I love him so much. He is a wonderful man. To see him spend all his time in bed hurts my heart. He was such an active type of person that loved life before this awful disease took control. I can't decide if I need to back off because he is just tired or what I need to do. So any advice would be greatly appreciated. Also, what kind of info can you give me on the drug Docetaxel as far as your personal experiences?

19 replies

Marie400

Is your Dad taking meds for depression? Because depression is usually par for the course for what your Dad is going through. My Mom took Ativan which helped calm her and seemed to help her.

As you know, the treatment can be brutal, although your Dad sounds more like he's depressed than anything. I would definitely see about getting him an Rx for that or changing whatever he is currently taking. He doesn't have to take it forever, just until he can get on an even keel again.

Hope4Pops

Thanks for your reply. He is actaully on 25 mg of Prozak. I just feel that he is going to deteriorate just laying in bed all day. How alone he must feel. He doesn't talk to anybody. Maybe a new antidepressant is what he needs. He says he gets depressed and feels so bad and then he feels bad for feeling so bad. As if he doesn't have enough going on. Ugh!

hopefuldaughter

Hello - A quick note. About three weeks ago, my mom was in a similar state. She had had 3 rounds (9 weeks) of carbo taxol. She was literally bedridden and I was convinced the end was near. She was given one round of Gemzar, then has been on a break since (it will be 5 weeks since chemo on Wednesday). Her rebound has been nothing short of amazing. She was up and around Tday week and we even went shopping!! We are nervous about the 5 weeks of no treatment, but she should hopefully start Wednesday again. My mom is depressed too. She got a script for an anti depressant, but she won't take it. Doesn't want to be drugged up (grrrr). Feeling better physically has actually made her worse mentally. But, we did have a good time together all in all. Maybe your dad needs a break. Check with his docs and ask your dad what he thinks. My mom is 62. I wish you the best.

hopefuldaughter

PS. I'm two hours away too, so I know how you feel.

sandy45

Hi
Reading the posts really helps me to understand how my famiy was feeling when I was doing my chemo/radiation. All I wanted to do is be left alone to sleep. I wasn't depressed i was flat out exhausted and wanted to sleep, watch t.v. in bed when I wpke up, then sleep some more. I was too darn tired to want company or to chat on the phone. I absolutely was not giving up. Had I known now how friends and family felt, I would have explained it, but i just assumed they knew.(sounds silly now)
They also kept bugging me to "sit outside"..they actually woke me up to ask me how i felt. We laugh about it now, but it wasn't very amusing at the time/. Anyway, i was like that for quite a while. Little by little it just changed on its own and went back to normal after the treatments were done and my body had time to regroup!
Hope this helps a bit.
Take care
Sandy
I was very active prior to diagnosis and never sick and was still working full time.

cad1223

Hello Heidi:

We went through the same thing with my dad (61 years old at the time) this past year. There were times that my mom would get so mad at him for not getting up and walking or any type of exercise. She felt he was giving up at times, but the truth was, he just didn't have the strength to do it. The WBR knocked him down...he was extremely exhausted and would not eat more than a bite or two of anything. I had spoken with a number of people and they said that WBR usually makes a person extremely tired, and it doesn't kick in full force until a few weeks after the last treatment. That held true for my dad. Then once the effects from WBR subsided, he started a second line of chemo, Topotecan, and that just did a number on his body. I feel it was detrimental to him - even more loss of appetite, if that could be possible, transfusions, dehydration...

Your dad is going through so much right now and you are too. I know it is hard, but just keeping being as supportive as you can (without smothering him), even if he gets mad at you. My dad kicked all of us out of his hospital room one night because he was in so much pain, it was unbearable for him to hear all of the chatter going on. He felt terrible about it later on, but he was actually crying from the pain...something that I never saw my dad do before he got this terrible disease....I am sure your dad is scared and angry all at the same time. I know that this is not any great advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that I did walk in your shoes and know that you feel helpless. Keep doing what you are doing and be as supportive as you can.

I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. I will keep you in my prayers.

Cheryl

oubaseball

Pray for your father. I know going through it with my dad that he became agitated some times, not all the time but some times. Keep his faith and his spirits up. I will certainly pray for your father.

D1

Your father definitely sounds depressed, and he has a right to be. Yes, meds. can help with the depression, but he is trying to process the enormity of the situation.

You are doing the right thing to show him a lot of love and make frequent visits.

But, hard as this may sound, you must also respect him and allow him to make his own decisions. Perhaps, he would prefer to give up than be half the man he was. Sometimes approving of his choices is another way of showing deep love.

You don't want to lose him, but perhaps, he feels he has already lost himself. Maybe he doesn't want to be an old, sick man in a chair. So, I think you have to support whatever decisions he makes in concert with his doctors.

I wish you both peace.....

SHERRYLAC

Dear Hope,
A wise person on this site once said that cancer/chemo is like getting hit by a truck and breaking both your legs. You can't see the damage on the outside but your dad is going through a lot. My mom was extremely fatigued as well, she wanted to have a life, but just did not have the energy. I would remind myself of how I feel when I have the flu, I sure don't want to get out and exercise. I know it is hard but rest is important for the body to recuperate.
Your dad could try steroids, sometimes they help.
Bless,
Sherry

GypsyGirl

I think that the person with the cancer and the family have to go through the grief process. This is a huge blow when we receive this diagnosis. It takes time to 'work it out' in our heads. Then you have to get the right 'mind set' to 'FIGHT'. The problem is that as soon as you find out the diagnosis... they hit you with... come in NOW for chemo/ radiation... Now you are so exhausted and sick, and still trying to process all of it. At the same time your family is grieving and crying and trying to wait on you hand and foot. It made my husband mad. I would have to remind him that he was being a bit 'snippy' with everyone. I would remind him that 'we' were trying to work it out too. That included waiting on him and yes 'over' doing it, but that that is what would help us feel better as we look back on our time with him. He got better after that. He was diagnosed with nsclc stage 4 in Aug this year. We have been married for 28 great years. Just enjoy your dad. My dad died of pancreatic cancer 2 years ago. My parents lived with me at the time. I would just go lay on the bed with him and quietly watch TV with him, talk about his past, rub lotion on him, and was just 'with' him. This is such a hard thing to go through. I am sorry for 'all' of us on this site. The best thing is to enjoy every moment of each day. Each new day is now a blessing for us. We'll be praying for you!

jennymac

It is so hard to watch our big strong dads go through something like this, isn't it?

My dad struggled off and on with depression during his five year battle. I think the cancer, the chemo, radiation, and not being able to work or do the things that always made him "him" were a terrible combo for him. I sometimes wished my dad were like some of the survivors you see on TV - bouncing around and proclaiming that they won't let cancer beat them- Seemingly not a negative thought in their head. Not so with my dad. When the cancer wasn't there, he worried about when it would come back. When it did come back, I think he tried to seperate himself from us. He didn't want my nephews to see him with his oxygen. But, we kept him going as much as we could - he was out and about up until the very end - mostly doctor's visists - but it gave him a reason to get up in the morning. Usually a nice lunch or dinner out after. I always thought he was giving up, but then he'd get into the doctor's office and say, "I'm willing to try whatever you got, doc." Those were positive moments - I could really tell then that he wanted to fight and that he still had hope.

Sounds like your dad is depressed, not giving up. Try some anti-anxiety meds. Try to get him out once a day - even just to sit on the porch. And try to be understanding. He is probably terrified. I know my dad was.

If your dad truly does come to a point where he doesn't want anymore treatment and is ready to move on, you'll know. I promise.

Hang in there.
Jen

StacieK

Hi- my Dad went through something similar about 6 weeks after he had PCI. It was a terrible time and I was so afraid we were losing him. He was so weak, tired, no appetite and could barely get up and walk to the next room. He was feeling very down but has never wanted anything to do with any kind of antidepressants. Thankfully, he did come stay with us for a couple weeks but it really took a few months for him to get back to a new normal.

I live in ND and drive to southern MN where he lives to help as much as possible so know what you are going through.

Your Dad is in my thoughts and prayers, don't give up or lose hope.

Stacie

Hope4Pops

Thank you all for your wonderful and caring words that you took time out of your day to write. This site is truely amazing. Warm hugs to all of you.

rdeegee

I can only say that I have never spent all my time in bed but truthfully I do spend a lot of time. I am thankful that my family respects my need and not only allows but insists that I get the amount of rest I need. Don't be to hard on your Dad...let him handle it the way he needs to do it.

rmhayes

Sometimes you just don't feel like getting up and doing things. I don't and I have been through with my chemo for 3 months. It is better than it was but during chemo and radiation I stayed exhausted and sick. Depression is normal but can be treated. His oncologist should be aware of this as your mental state of mind I am told is half the battle. But don't push him to do things he doesn't feel like doing. It may only make the depression worse.

skeptic

at the risk of offending someone, anyone, everyone............here I go
having been through Stage IV and having been treated with chemo and radiation.....lost hair, weight, patience and the will to live. There are some things that some people have to work through on their own and at their own pace. Yes, an anti depressant might help and sometimes so does just being allowed to be flat out depressed! There is no magic answer. Being told you have cancer and then going through treatment, scans and more treatments is a depressing, frightening situation.
For me the magic answer was getting my first "good scan result" I was on top of the world. I was "kicking cancer's ass" and so far I have. I went from a Stage IV, inoperable and being told to write a will and spend time with my family, to being NED for all of 08!
Just let him know you love and support him. He doesn't want to be a burden, he wants his life back. He wants to be free of the hell his life has become. Just love him.

ronnieandjanet

You know we sit here reading all of this "sadness" and "anger" and "pain" and the list goes on and on and then you read something like what SKEPTIC wrote and it gives you a glimmer of hope and a moment of happiness. Thank you for that. I am at the end of my rope and needed a moment of happiness....

Hope4Pops

Amen to that! When I wrote this last night I was feeling "sadness" but to hear what others have wrote has really helped me to realize I do need to step back and just be there for my pops which is what I have been doing for the most part but wondered if I should be doing more. I have shared all of these posts w/ my brother as well since he has been feeling alot of the same feelings. Skeptic...THANK YOU and here's to NED in 2008 as well as 2009!

Ramona

The body heals when at rest. When feeling terrible depression is normal. Try to get him to eat protein for it is needed for healing but let him rest. Have water handy for him as staying hydrated is good but again, let him rest.

Add to the discussion

New user? Join here.
Forgot password?
Keep me signed in on this computer until I sign out

Search

Find information and discussion about health topics in 346,796 posts by members like yourself. Learn more...

Join

Join safe, secure groups sponsored by trusted organizations that care about your health. Learn more...

Connect

Connect with 87,409 members and make friends who share your interests, learn about conditions and treatments, find support and more. Learn more...

You