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Not complaining to family about pain

wjoerob
0 Recommendations

Does anyone else do this? I'm supposed to be the head of the family, not worrying everyone else with my pain management. So I stuff it, grimace, take some more medicine, and try not to let it show. I wonder if this is hurting me more in the long run. I hesitate to go to the doctor if not absolutely necessary. My 4 kids, 16- 26, all still living here with us. My wife is fit, exercises regularly, tells me that's what I need to do. I know she's right, but it's all I can do to get out of a chair some days. How do I share my pain without being a whiner?

Explore topics in this discussion:

Exercise Arthritis Hemochromatosis Falls Polyarthritis Ibuprofen Pain Fibromyalgia Costochondritis Osteoarthritis Osteoporosis Graves' disease Acupuncture

16 replies

SickOfBeingSick

I fight this battle with myself all the time. Do I talk about my pain and illness and "burden" everyone around me or just "stuff it" and move on?

If I "stuff it" enough, it ends up backfiring on me. People around me (and I myself) have unreasonable expectations of me because they don't realize how bad of shape I'm in. My own subconscious mind ends up rebelling because I don't make allowances for my pain or how I feel and I get no support.

If I constantly talk about how terrible I feel, on the other hand, I just drag myself and everyone around me into the mud.

There is a fine line in between the two. There is no true intimacy between people if they don't know what you are experiencing on a daily basis. Give them the honor of letting them know what you are going through and being able to support you.

Kids and young adults, especially, feel good when their parents trust them enough to let them deal with some of the "hard stuff" and to help out as long as there isn't so much "hard stuff" that it overwhelms them. It also helps them to become responsible, caring adults.

And everyone who is healthy seems to have the idea that if their sick or disabled friend, relative or spouse would just exercise they would be just fine. Healthy people just don't "get it". I just roll my eyes and ignore these people.

Years ago I was very fit and did all kinds of exercise. Now exercise wears me down, it doesn't build me up. The best I can manage are some mild stretches.

Maybe you and your wife can do some Tai Chi together, if you have the inclination to do something like this? There are classes and videos that you can rent and Tai Chi is gentle on the body.

Maya Angelou said, "I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one". I use this saying to try to gauge whether I am sharing with someone when I talk about my pain or whether I am "being a pain".

No one likes to be around a "whiner", as you put it, but no one likes to be around someone who is "superhuman" and "closed off" to them, either.

Cathy

peytonswater

What is your wife telling you to do? I find it is pretty easy for those that don't suffer such pain to say what we can, should and shouldn't do. I know they try and help but really your flying so solo in this. What type of arthritis do you have and where? WHat meds are you on?

I wish you the best, online is a great place to come for support and let it out when the family well...or us needs a 3rd party outside those that live with us

jac

Im the same, i try and suffer in silence. Ive always been a full-time worker, mum and i'm the one who did all work round house, from decorating to knocking walls down.
3 years ago i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 28 places, osteoporosis in lower spine and hips, osteoarthritis in hip and spine, ive been a coeliac since i was 19. Last year was diagnosed with hemochromatosis.
I struggle with getting out of bed most days, not just with stiffness and pain but the fact i can't face another day of pain just when i move let alone trying to do any form of housework. I have 3 boys and a partner who works 12hr shifts 5 days aweek. Ive tried light exercise but the following day i am in so much pain i just cry all the time. I have put on so much weight you wouldn't believe. I am under a pain managment specialist but i only get to see him once a year, he is so overworked. He just keeps changing my meds and gives me lignocain infusions once a year that last me 4 weeks.

wjoerob

Good to know I'm not the only one with this dilemma. I'm 54, have osteoarthritis all over. Worst lately have been hips, shoulders, lower back. I take ibuprofen and darvon. Went yesterday for my first acupuncture, and had both shoulders injected. Woke up for the first time in a LONG time with little pain in back or shoulders. Go back in 2 wks. peytonswater, wife says I should get out and walk, she walks 3-4 miles 2-3 times a week with a friend. Any time I exercise I know I'm doing the right thing, but I stay sore for a week, not just a couple of days. I try to stay active around our farm, need to lose weight. When I took early retirement from my job, one thing I didn't share with many folks was that I didn't know if the pain would allow me to keep on much longer. Found myself taking longer and longer breaks, and more often. Didn't want to feel guilty about that all the time either. So now, with a pitiful small pension check, I have to find part-time work to supplement it. This really limits what I can do. On the "whiner" scale, I don't want my kids to leave home only remembering Dad as someone who was lazy and always whining about his problems. But I don't want to be spaced out on pain meds either. Maybe if this acupuncture works, even for a couple of weeks at a time, I can get out there and exercise like I should.

peytonswater

I have heard a lot about accupuncture, I may try it. When you walked, you didn't walk the same milage your wife does right? Do you have acess to a swimmin pool, maybe you could walk back in and forth in the water, or swim, water therapy is very helpful. If your doing lifting, bending around the farm you are likely to be overdoing it. I am glad that you found help from accupuncture, that is wonderful.
And to the last poster, sorry I don't recall your name, but I don't want to get out of bed for the SAME exact same reason.

BluePurl

Send her a copy of this post! Your family will think more of your courage to share your pain than keeping it all inside - I think you will ALL feel better if you share your physical (and emotional) weaknesses!

foreverinbluejeans

I can't take pain meds and I have osteo arthritis, polyarthritis, chronic costochondritis, plantar fasciitis, fibromyalgia, and Graves disease. My 21 year old son can tell when I am in pain and am doing too much without me telling him.

I try to describe rather than complain. I've been having problems with my feet the last 6+ months. I had X-rays of my foot and was told all was OK. Weeks later it was still hurting and I finally told my son how bad it was. It turned out I had 2 broken foot bones and torn ligaments. I had been walking on my foot for 8 weeks.

Hyacinths4

I love the Maya Angelou quote that Cathy shared! "I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one".

I don't usually talk about my pain. My kids have learned to "spot" when I'm having difficulty, but it involved a process of communicating with them openly and talking about my challenges and needs. I've found that it's much more difficult to explain or discuss with friends, co-workers, acquaintances, etc. as I often get the response "oh, but you don't look sick!" I don't "look" disabled either, yet I have multiple physical disabilities.

One of the things that helped me in terms of helping others (family included) understand was sharing with them something called "The Spoon Theory". It can be found at www.butyoudontlooksick.com. Read it and see if it's something that you think you might be able to share with your family.

Wishing you - and your family - the best!

Cynthia

johng

Head of the house..............I understand that it means the "spiritual" head. Anyway, dealing with pain and not complaining: Brother, I've had pain since a teen. But, not like I have it now. By that, I mean I've been in competitive sportss since I was 16 (1953). Working in the fields and sports taught me to endure and not give up.

So, now at age (next month) 72, I have constant pain and have learned not to tell anyone or complain. It foesn't do any good.

The pain in my feet causes me to have great difficulty in walking. However, what puzzles me is that sometimes the pain goes away and I can walk with a spring in my step. Why does this occur? I don't know. I'm supposed to have surgeru in both feet. But, I'm looking for another kind of doctor besides a podiatrist.............I can't think of the name that someone told me a year ago.

We sold our 18' Kit Ranger travel trailer in order to pay for some teeth work on me. A friend who bouught the trailer helped me move our old '86 Chevy Nova to another spot in order to pull the trailer out of it's "stall" next to the garage.

Ha! I was stnaind on the outside of the driver's door, steering, my buddy was pushing. The car began to roll down our driveway. I began to run (doc told me not to run any more on my "new" knee replacement.
We finally got the car stopped.

I've learned to "accept" terrible pain. Partly because it would take too many operations to fix everything.
Sometimes, I feel that I'll be glad when this life is over----then I'll have no more pain. But, I love living this life...............

I'm not much of an encourager.

nanomary

JUST WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU HOW IT IS AT MY HOUSE. MY HUSBAND DOESN'T NEED ME TO TELL HIM ABOUT THE PAIN OR EVEN IF I JUST DON'T FEEL WELL. HE SAYS IT SHOWS ON MY FACE. ALSO I DON'T DO ALL THAT I DO WHEN I FEEL GOOD,DO JUST ENOUGH TO GET BY. I KNOW WHEN I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN I CAN TAKE IT OUT ON HIM IF I DON'T DO SOMETHING TO RELIEVE IT. THAT'S NOT FAIR. THERE ARE MANY DAYS THAT I DO GOOD TO GET OUT OF BED AND JUST TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO BE ABLE TO DO MORE AND IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO BE ABLE TO GET BACK IN SHAPE. I DON'T SEE THAT HAPPENING TOO SOON. MY MAIN GOAL IS TO FEEL BETTER AND ENJOY LIFE WHEN I CAN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONSTANTLY COMPLAIN BUT YOU NEED TO LET OTHERS IN ON HOW YOU FEEL. I FOUND I DON'T HAVE TO BE TOUGH AND DO IT ALL BY MYSELF.

deebelle

I can relate to you all!! Hang in there!!!

blessings;
Dee

razz51

My mom never complained about her pain, at least not outright, but she became quiet, cranky, snapped at everyone and in short, it showed. Now I have the same suite of problems she had and I don't stuff it. I don't go on about it either. If someone asks, "What's wrong?" I simply say "I have a lot of pain today."

Activity does help, but for me, at least, there is a fine line there as well. I used to love to walk. I walked miles every day. At forty I could keep up with my 24-yr-old neighbor on the track. Now if I walk too much in one day, or too often, my feet and hips hurt bad enough to sideline me for a week.

I wish you well and would suggest talking to your doctor. Maybe you can find sometime physical you can do that will lessen, not increase your pain.

algia247

I learned in ten years of pain and trying not to show it only caused me harm than good if you hurt and you want to show it let it out its ok to say ouch oop I shouldn't moved that way it didn't feel good if you worked for a while with a bad back and now you can't then you just can't I was angry with my self at first when I realized my back was not in top 1 shape but then I listen to my body and prayed to god to show me a sign that I will survive with out working and he did I swear he did my to lovely children are so supportive and caring and helping me cope , I say to the lord that he has blessed me with or with out a job and I was blind but now I see . I hate haven this throbbing , stabbing pain in my pelvic , thigh and legs and back but its better to hurt than not feel at all.

Fulofit

If I find out the answer, I'll let you know. That is one that I would like to know too!

Fulofit

Thanks for your advice about how to act about pain. I found it useful!!

JayRo

Hi Wjoerob,
Just a thought: The standard way to greet people is to say "How are you today?" And the repy is usually "just fine, thank you." Since I've been ill, I would like to say to someone just one time how I really feel! It would take about 10 minutes to tell the person just how many things are wrong with me! They would probably look at me as if I am crazy. My point to this is that few people really want to know just how bad you feel. It's so hard to put yourself in someone elses shoes, particularly when it comes to pain and illness. When you say how much your back or knee or any part of you hurts, you are the only one who can feel that pain. When your wife wants you to exercise it's because she wants the best for you I would imagine. So maybe you could explain just how much you hurt, but also ask her to accompany you on a very small walk even if it is not at the same pace as she is used to. It would help both of you because you could be doing something positive for both of you and maybe she would have a better appreciation for your limitations.
I know men are supposed to be strong and never complain. That's what our society has made our men think. That showing emotion is weak. Pain falls into that category too. But I know when my husband has shared emotion whether it's crying or being in pain, that's when I cherish him the most. You need to let these things out. Tell your family when you are hurting. I think you will be surprised at how they'll react. Believe me, when I tell you how comforting it is.
Just a little while ago, both of my grown-up sons, 29 and 32 called just to ask me how I am feeling. It touches me so much to know they care. They don't even have to talk about your illness or pain, but just show you by their interest in your life that you are important. And God Bless You for having grown children living with you!!
JayRo

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