Last night I hand wrote a letter to post to fill in the gaps for my best friend, or who I at least still arguably wrongly call so as I haven't had any confirmation either way.
They've been through a lot. Rape and an abortion this past year is enough. But they've always been the stronger of us two.
They're at a point where they no longer need my attention and/or affection and have clearly grown closer to others, while shutting the book on me.
It hurts because I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I support everything they do, every decision they make because I love them. They deserve every little bit of happiness even if it means I'm no longer in their life.
much of my happiness has previously resulted from them, but now it's just negativity. I'm frightened, all the time.
My illness is playing me up this weekend and I don't tryst myself. I'm so frightened.
I don't know what to do, I've cried so much - I don't know what I'm going to do.
Tonight I'm working 6pm-12:15am. It should be a distraction. But afterwards I know I'm back to being alone, confused and unsure.
I'm frightened because tonight I might finally do it. I might attempt suicide again.