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Where are the men?

bookman58
0 Recommendations

This discussion board has been my close friend for quite a while now. I am coming up on four years post CABG. I went through all the depression that I read about so often, and there have been times when I was so low that I didn't really know if I wanted to keep on. I know that I am not the only man who has suffered through depression after bypass, but where are all of the men? It seems like the majority of the posts are from women, which is great, but I am always left wondering why more men don't engage in these discussions. It is so therapeutic for me. I would love some insight from anyone, male or female.

Explore topics in this discussion:

Surgery Weakness Pain Acid reflux Heart attack Depression Physical therapy

12 replies

JCarver

I am new to this site, I joined yesterday. I found the same thing to be true. I was not sure if I joined the right site or should I be looking for a support group for men.
I am happy to see I am not the only man here. I feel like life has been ripped out from underneath me. I am 44 years young. On 2/24/09 I went to the ER with what I thought was GERDS, and to my suprise I was informed I was having a massive heart attack.
I awoke 4 days later not knowing what had happened to me or why I was in the ICU.
Life has changed to say the least. I have quit smoking and feel so much better. The depression is not fun to deal with but I just keep telling myself its a part of the healing process and is normal to be feeling the way I do.
You are not alone!
Men need to post more often....come on guys!

NewAllie

Hi Men,
I'm not male, but I know this group isn't large, only 57. The Women's Heart group has 1000. I've only been a member a short while, triple bypass eight weeks ago today. I think all the men are maybe at Mended Hearts meetings. I've been to two different ones and at the first, out of about thirty people, I was the only woman (other than spouses). At the second, last night of close to fifty, there were three female bypassers. While this is pretty new to me, it seems we all go through very similar experiences, even the frustrations over our medical care. But I wondered at both those meetings, where are all the women? Just that group alone wouldn't be near enough for me. I'm on this site every day since finding it. While I have a ton of friends and lots of family, it's like I can't speak their language any more. I really don't want to hear, "you look so good!" or "You'll be back to normal in no time" or "when are you coming back to work?" With a lot of effort I can look somewhat like the old me for a couple of hours each day, after that I'm in the bed. I may look like the old me, but I know I'm not and I don't want to be. I may smile, but some of the puffiness on my face isn't from surgery, it's from crying at least a little bit every day. Maybe I'm grieving a me that I'm wise to let go of. The reason being that me got me almost dead. It took me nine months incubating to be born the first time. I figure it's might take at least twice that to be born anew after this. I might've cried during that gestation too, scared of what I was heading into, worried about the future. Who knows? I may never work eighteen hours a day again. I may never pull the weight of someone else. I may never enable my children to not handle their own problems. I may never allow another to make me feel that all I do and who and what I am isn't enough again. I may never go another day not crying at least once. I may never spend a day not focused on how my heart is beating. I amy never not pay attention and call attention to how I'm feeling at any given moment. I'm full of uncertainty today about whether my life will ever resemble what it was before this (I'm 52). I don't know where the men are, but I'd bet they are feeling a lot of the same things. I know the men at the Mended Hearts meetings I went to are. I have a suspension that denying how I felt had something to do with my physical heart's problems.
So brave men, if you are here, honoring what is happening to you, sharing with others your fears and feelings of sadness, encourgaing others who follow you into this new life after bypass, you must be the bravest, strongest, the champions of bypass. I tipo my survivor's cap to you all and thank you from the bottom of my mended heart. Blessings, Allie

bookman58

I really appreciate both replies. I am well aware of Mended Hearts, and from my experience it all depends on where you are. In my area it is not very strong at all. I think this board is starting to come alive. JCarver, I would like to meet you. You are just beginning your journey. NewAllie, I cannot tell you how much I have enjoyed your posts. You have so much to offer us all. I am friends with the past president of WomenHeart, and I know what a super group that is, but it started very small and has grown over the years. I really like what it does in the area of advocacy. I am so glad to see new people because it is so much easier to deal with these heart issues when you are talking to someone who has a clue of what is going on. Hang in there guys and girls.

TACH

Welcome to the site JC. I have 2 years seniority on you. I had my triple bypass on 2/27/2007. We’re the same age; though I had my surgery when I was 41 (just turned 44). Like you, I thought I had an acid reflux problem (not). I went in for a physical and left with anti acid medicine. I actually asked for an EKG before I left because I wasn’t wholly convinced it was just reflux. The doctor approved it, but wouldn’t have an opportunity to review the results until later in the day. Well, later in the day they (I say they because there must have been 2 or 3 doctors on a speaker phone) called me at work and told me to call 911 because I had a myocardial infarction while I was having the EGK (Ahhhh) . End result, triple bypass next day.
Depression can be tough in the begging, but you should find that the episodes will get further and further apart. Cardio Physical therapy is a must. This will give you the confidence you need to push yourself more that you would on your own. I found that exercising is key to feeling better; in fact, better than you did prior to the surgery. I have never been stronger. I’m also just about running as fast as I did while I was in the Army at 22 years old.
So don’t be too depressed. Many good things can be around the corner. Let me know how you come along.
Never hesitate to ask any questions.

Tach (the names actually Ted)

pipbb

I read your comments thinking how right you are, I am 2 years post a triple bypass and still think at times things are not as they should be. I still get panic attatcks when away from my comfort zone, the silly little pain in my chest make me think the worst my doctor tells me all is well and its common to have these feelings . I attend the gym on a regular basis and have no problem with excersise and normal day to day living I think the best cure for me is to talk to others with the same condition, it is reasurring to know i'm not alone, I now know things are normal
I am slowly begining to accept the twinges in my chest are the affects of being operated on and hopefully begining to get used to the problem, I find things very comforting when I talk to people who had the same h operation back in the eighties and have been through all the same thought as I They are all live a full and active life

BobL

Hello all, I just discovered this site today. I am post surgery 05/26/2009, almost 7 weeks out. As I was reading the posted I too thought where are the all the men, I know that they too have gone through this as while i was in the hospital there were 7 other men and two women on the floor with me. I dont have a day that goes by that I don't have the what ifs, or I am depressed or just feel too tired to do anything. I know all this will take time and now that I have found inspire.com, I will not have to go through it alone. Thanks

collinb

...easy answer, surprised anyone needs to ask really….we men internalize and think we can handle it by ourselves and a sign of strength by doing so, women are "OK" with talking about it and don't feel it's weakness. Men are from Mars Women Venus, all “that” stuff!
I found out I have 4 friends all who have had bypasses or stints…and I didn’t know!
They are the ones I turn to for help and advice very occasionally, plus here once or twice, my partner/wife doesn’t even get told everything and for everyone else I tough it out and say it’s mentally challenging but I’m dealing with it. Reality is I’m scared stiff, worried my life, as I knew it, is over and at 59 become an invalid!
I’m a guy, active (skydive, snow ski, water ski, mountain bike, have a 26 year old partner/wife etc.), successful in business and life, and I won’t let it beat me.

that's my 2 cents….and these words will never leave my lips again and this message will self destruct in 30 seconds.

celeritas

Allie, beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

pmob20

I am 4 1/2 weeks post bypass 3x. My first few weeks were horrible in that I cried all the time over senseless things. My wife made me chicken salad and it tasted so good I cried. I am so glad my family understands what I am going through. The depression is just that our bodies have gone through so much and the alternative to surgery is not good. Our bodies sense this which caused my depression. I called the local hospital and spoke to someone in the Zipper Club who definitely understood what I was talking about. He listened and gave advice on how to cope. For me it worked but I still have episodes of crying. It takes time but hopefully it'll go away. My doctor told me today to go out and enjoy my life and I thanked him for giving me one. As he walked away I cried...but this was a good cry. Keep your chin up, watch the horizon and keep walking. You'll get stronger and one day look back on this as just a new stepping stone to a longer life.

NewAllie

thank you

sunroom52

Bookman, from one man to another, I had double CABG 18 months ago, and yes, depression was and still is a very big thing , guess us "Men" don't let it out as often, but in doing so , it helps so much. I am lucky to have a wife that has literlly kept me alive. Don't know what I would have done without her, but the depression still comes back, guess it is something we have to learn to deal with, it does help to talk, I am new to this site, but have already found out that it helps to know that we are not alone, that somewhere out there we have someone that has walked in our shoes. I plan on coming to this site everyday, to get help and to give whenever I can, thanks everybody....David

sunroom52

Hey Tach, would love to talk with you some more lately, got to go to the Dr. now, but I had my CABG x2 on 2/27/08, and yours was on 2/27/07, had rare, later, David.

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