Panick Attack!!

So, i was totally fine yesterday morning. Then we went to see RE about doing IUI with DS. Also met with the nurse and financial councelor. The nurse gave me a list of things to do; call insurance company about what pharmacy to use, make an appointment with therapist, call cryo coordinator and maybe one or two other things...no big deal. actually did everything yesterday. Last night (still fine) I ignored a call on my work cell phone because i didnt recognize the #. This morning i listened to the message and it was the pharmacy telling me to go online and fill out the registration form. I am now lightheaded and feel like there is an elephant on my chest.
I can't pinpoint why but im totally freaking out. Im looking at my work calendar vs my personal calendar and trying to figure out a bunch of stuff that normally wouldnt be a problem. Im scared about giving myself a shots so DH said he would do it, but that makes me even more anxious... Maybe were making the wrong decision, THere is no way i can order the DS in this condition...
Is this normal?

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While my situation is a little different from yours, I can say that I have broken down, freaked out, and everything in between several times throughout my IF journey...so, yes I would say it is normal. I get overwhelmed at the oddest times - it's like you're ok for so long and than BAM! you're not. It's a lot to take in and I think your body is telling you that you need time to absorb everything. I don't know about you, but I certainly pretend I'm ok more often than I should (which I'm sure doesn't help). Only you and your DH can decide what is truly right for you...just know that it's ok to feel extremely overwhelmed at times - that doesn't make it the wrong choice necessarily, it just means you're human ;)

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This is normal. What you're doing is a really big deal and it makes sense to have a lot of emotions. Just be nice to yourself and do what you need to do, whether that's wait or relax or get your mind off it, whatever. My freak out time was when they actually put the DS in there, so it's better to get it over with now :)

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While the details of my IF journey are different than yours, I can totally relate to your anxiety. And also to experiencing overwhelming emotions at the strangest times. I'd never had a panic attack before, until the day before I was to start injectable meds for my first IVF cycle. The day that happened, I had also felt totally fine. Then there was a problem filling a prescription (for a non-IF related skin cream) and the pharmacist told me I'd have to come back later in the week to pick it up. When I got out to my car, I started thinking about all I had to do for work that week AND the daily injections, ultrasounds, and blood work. The thought of taking more time out of my work schedule suddenly put me over the edge and I had what I can only imagine was a panic attack (I felt extremely panicked, lightheaded, and had a hard time breathing). I broke down into hysterical tears over having to pick up a prescription (really it was everything hitting me). My DH did not get it, which made it worse at the time.

Anyway, I think this process is incredibly challenging and your reaction is normal. I found that listening to guided meditation CDs was helpful during that period. Be gentle with yourself.

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You ladies are so kind and lovely. THANK YOU! bspeckled- my DH didnt get it at all! he kept saying why are you getting upset over something you have no control over... obviously he doesnt understand i wasnt necessarily thinking about anything the anxiety just got me.
Now im trying to figure out my benifits. The insurance company cant seem to figure it out. Like no one has ever used DS but me?? come on. I get that its not that common like an xray or the flu shot but seriously now. The woman, who was very nice, said she would figure out the answer and get back to me but it could take 7-10 business days... ummmm hello this is time sensetive!

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RHL16-- I'm wondering: have you called your RE's clinic and spoken to someone in the business office? Usually there's someone dedicated to handling billing and working with insurance companies. They are the specialists in making sure the clinics get paid. Using DS is not uncommon, so I'm sure someone at your clinic with your insurance has done it before. If there isn't anyone at the clinic who's dealt with it with your insurance, maybe you can ask the business office to verify your insurance benefits for your planned procedure. They have a vested interest in getting the payment from the insurance company AND making sure they get paid for patients' out of pocket expenses. Which they know they're less likely to do if the patient can't afford it!

Anyway, I hope you get your answer soon!

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WARNING: MC AND ILLNESS MENT IN BODY OF POST

The advice to call your RE's office and ask them to help with insurance sounds good. I hope they can help you out.

I also hope you get the support you need and deserve as you navigate this process. The decision to have a child is HUGE and for those of us who have to go to EXTRA SPECIAL EFFORT TO DO SO it feels even more momentous. As I moved forward (with DE IVF) I asked myself every day, "Are you SURE you want a child? Can't you just be happy living "child free?" I often thought IF ONLY I COULD JUST GIVE UP ON WANTING TO HAVE A CHILD LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER!

But the longing didn't go away.

My husband understood NONE of my emotions through our ten year long path to become parents. When we began dating he told me that he wanted five children and we married at 26 after being together five years. And yet he got nervous any time we went to friends' showers (literally: he turned pale and started to sweat.) He had huge artistic ambitions in a highly competitive, creative fields (alas, he still has those ambitions which were EXPENSIVE and TIME CONSUMING) and those ambitions became our focus for the first ten years of our marriage.

Like many women of my generation, I didn't realize the limits of my fertility, thinking that I could just start TTC when I was 35 or 36 and it would "just happen" and that it could easily take a year but all would go well.

Ah well. You live, you learn.

Good luck to you. I hope you get the answers you need!

Sincerely,

Lisa
Mom after three mcs
many failed IUIs, 2 failed IVFs
2 cancelled DE cycles
HELLP Syndrome (stroke/coma/TBI) survivor

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lkw- what a crazy thing fertility is. DH and i had a baby a little over 4 years ago. I got pregnant on the pill so why would it ever occur to me that we would have a problem having another in a few years?? Now we only have a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. Seems so crazy to me. You sure have been through the ringer and its encouraging to hear your did become a mom :)

I will be calling the billing lady today, i met with her on monday and since my covereage is really good for the actual IUI she didnt seem interested in if the DS was covered. I will call her in a bit to see if she can help.

So, another question ladies- who gave you your shots? i am petrified for me or DH to do it so im trying to figure out what to do about that. I work at a hospital so maybe i will come down to the emergency department that night and see if someone could just do it real quick...or i could go to the womens hospital next door.. i realize i am being a total wuss about this and i know its all in my head but i dont know what to do!

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RHL16-
When I did my medicated iui i was afraid of my husband giving me the shots too--but it was actually fine. I mixed the meds and he have me the shots. After the first one you'll be ok.

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Thanks for the kind words...

Re: the shots

When I was on Stims, I did the shots myself...tiny needles, not bad though the meds made my ovaries hurt and some drugs, like Lupron which I was put on once actually caused me to hallucinate (ick!)

When I did my DE IVF cycle I asked my DH to give me the progesterone shots, which involved a long needle and had to be done in the butt. He hated doing that but I found them intimate bonding moments in which we were both taking care of our baby.

Good luck!

Lisa

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OMG lkw- I could NEVER give it to myself..lol tiny needle or not. LOL DH keeps saying he will do it but hes not gentle and delicate. Hes a mans man and i feel like he is just going to stab me with it and be done. i wish he would see it as taking care of our baby. Hopefully he will suprise me..
I did call the my RE's office and they gave me the diagnosis code but other than that they were NO help. So i called the insurance company and gave them the code and they marked my case as urgent and time sensetive and kicked it up to their research team. they said someone would call me in 24 hours. We'll see.

Lastly i just want to say i talked to my childhood bestfriend last night and thats right folks...shes pregnant....with baby #5!!!!!!
really???

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I can relate to your fear of giving yourself shots. I had such a fear of needles before beginning IF treatments. I have fainted on numerous occasions from receiving shots, so I was concerned that I was going to spend a lot of money on the meds, then not be able to use them, or administer them incorrectly. My RE's nurse had me to practice in her office prior to beginning them, and I also had a nurse friend come over to help me the first time. I think regardless of whether or not you hate needles, it is hard to give yoursel an injection. I did mine the first week, but then just couldn't do it anymore for some reason. My husband gave them to me from then on out, without any problem.
Regarding the financial issue, I initially saw an RE that wasn't clear about the cost. I felt like there were going to be a lot of extra fees so I found a new RE who had everything well organized and was up front about the cost of every step of the process.
Ordering the meds from the online pharmacy can be very overwhelming because you don't want to have a lot of extra, so there were many times when I had to order for next day delivery, which I didn't like that last minute feeling on something so time sensitive and costly.
Your anxiety is common. Try to take one thing at a time. Remember to breathe! Best wishes to you.

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Thanks Daisy, I am feeling better at the moment but i have to call the insurance company (AGAIN!) later so im sure that will make me nice and anxious. We are going to our mandatory therapy appointment this afternoon and maybe tomorrow I will buy the DS. Is it totally crazy that I dont want to buy the DS until AF comes? I guess just holding out hope for that 1% chance we can do it.

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RHL16, I've been there with the anxiety over the needles. I have been afraid of needles and all things medical my whole life and get light headed just walking past the Red Cross Blood Drives at work. My DH offered to help with the injections, but that was even scarier as he has a lot of great characteristics, but nurturing is not one of them. I did get through the needles fear and this is how:

-The nurse at my RE office let me practice sticking a needle into a foam stress ball. She said the resistance was similar to the real thing so it gave me good practice. She said think about it like throwing a dart. Hesitation, as I learned, is what makes the shots difficult.

-The first time I stuck myself, as soon as the needle was in, I had an overwhelming desire to pull it back out without waiting to put the meds in, which I think is a programmed response and one to be ready for.

-Also, I looked up each of my meds on YouTube and watched other women give the injections to themselves. They were so calm that it made it a little easier. And they had some tips to share, like icing the area and waiting 5 sec after the meds were in before removing the needle.

-Then, I set up a sanctuary for giving myself the injections: I set up a special space in the guest bedroom (much more relaxing than the bathroom) with the meds and the wipes laid out, turned on some mellow music (Pink Floyd's Division Bell Track 4 works for me), turned on a lamp with a soft bulb and took my time.

-The final thing I learned, through trial and error, is to pull the needle out fast while gently holding the skin around the needle in place. It doesn't hurt at all if you do it this way.

So, those are my tips for self-injections. It's not something I ever thought I would do to someone else, let alone myself. Anyway, I hope this helps and doesn't gross anyone out.

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Hi Betty,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I especially love what you said about DH not being nurturing...lol it totally scares me to let mine do it..
On the way into work this morning i had a revalation...The girl that does my nails went through all this. She did some IUIs and IVF cycles. I can ask her to give me the shot!!! She is so sweet and im sure she wouldnt mind. she lives 5 minutes from me. Im still afraid of the needle but at least she is nurturing and i trust her...lol
Thanks again!

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RHL16-as scary as it is you might not want to be totally dependent on someone else (especially someone who doesn't live with you!) to give you the shots. They are time specific....truly they aren't that bad. But I understand the anxiety...ever since my cycle was postponed this month I've been tense and anxious. I think the anxiety of infertility and the anticipation of what is to come is worse that the actual poking and prodding.

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highhopes- you are absolutly right, i know in my head the poking of the needle will be fine and its only going to last like 2 seconds but i still cant help the anxiety..lol My first choice will be my friend, then DH and if something crazy happends I will have to do it myself.
Thanks

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Highhopes,
Anxiety is an absolutely natural part of this process! Please know that i too have gone through this, and recognize that its okay to feel overwhelmed. Hang in there, and remember to keep your eye on the prize.

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Deep breathe when you give yourself the shots. I found that helped. The stim needles are really small so the shot itself doesn't hurt much though the meds sting a little as I recall. The shots that are harder to take are the PIO shots your RE may prescribe if you get PG. With those, however, you ice beforehand to numb and apply a hot compress after to disperse the oil and it's not so bad. My DH gave me the PIO shots (which have to be done in the butt) and I found those intimate bonding moments in which we both focused on tending to our baby. If those shots seem too scary to you, you can use prometrium inserts which though a little messier are not painful at all.

Good luck to you!

Sincerely,

Lisa

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lkw787, I just had my second shot of progesterone in the butt tonight. My husband does it. I don't like it but it doesn't hurt or anything, just feels kind of funny. Ugh, how long does this go on then? lol

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Thanks gals, i have been feeling better about it. I have a friend that gave herself the shots and she said she would do mine :) Now im just waiting for AF so we can get the show on the road. there is 1% of me that thinks Hey maybe this month we did it on our own....ROFL yeah right!

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