One of the best things that I have done was tell my mentally ill mother that I forgive her for all the past abuses. As I dress in my gown and gloves, I pray to myself that I never get this disease(cdiff), being that I have sarc. and am on prednisone, and many other health problems of my own. This happened a few weeks ago, I remember so clearly,the flowers just peeping up out of the ground- a time for new beginings. I walk in, the halls are all quiet this particular day. I beam a smile, at each and every one in a wheel chair...its a charming calming effect I have, yet thinking; am I going to have a contagious smile? one that keeps on giving even after received to continue for the day. I approch my moms room, gown and gloves, entering with a smile, her whole face lit up, it felt great. I couldn't understand her words,but she understood my smile. I reach for her hands and held them, I then see myself in my mother, so much I wanted from her and for her. She sat there oblivious to the oxygen, the wheel chair, and the diaper she now has to wear, unable to get up without an alarm going off. I could feel her cold fingers, as she mumbled something about being cold. I knew she was aware of my touch,even through the gloves. I said "mom, I love you, and I forgive you for all the hurts you have done to me." She smiled through gleaming eyes, and mumbled something her tone of voice, was enough for me, the past forgiven, yet I yearn to talk about the whys. My forgivness stems from me not asking to get sarcoid, any more than she chose to be mentally ill, and the behavior with it. I told mom I would be right back. I went and bought her a pretty throw, and lotion,body spray, and some sugar free candy that I didn't think she would choke on. Again I walk in with a smile on my face, gown and gloves. I showed her all that i brought for her, she was thankful, if I read her eyes right, she pointed to the lotion unable to open it I open it and pour some out onto my glove....hmm how am I really going to do this, as I really couldnt feel with the gloves on, yet i look at mom and she is holding her hand out for me to massage the lotion. The task had me laughing at my self, and before long that laugh was contagious, nurses, patients... I listened as the laughter of my sweet attempt to apply lotion with gloves on my hands carried down the hall. I sat there massaged her hands, legs, back, enjoying the moment with my mom who I almost lost weeks earlier. Thankful she heard and maybe understand I forgave her. At that time it made it a lot easier to help with her care, now I,m going to tell her what parts of my childhood I enjoyed, she may remember she may not, I ve been selfish blaming my mom for the things she had no control over from her mental illness. I can no longer sit back and wish she would ask me to forgive her for all she did, as part of her illness, I finally see the light of this, and I can help with her bathing, walking ect... with compassion. In the forgiveness I did something wonderful for my self, and now my compassion for her is helpfull to the whole family from Calif. to Fla. ect...