Afraid of failure

I just got home late Wednesday night after my most recent trip to NIH. It was to remove the stents I had in my bladder and ureter from my kidney surgery in July. I'm planning at the moment for my next trip up in October for the clinic and a follow up appointment. Hopefully they'll be able to schedual all of my testing in one day so I don't have to stay at a motel for a night. Well, that's kinda a lie...It'll be so I'm not sleeping in a lobby for a night. Don't get me wrong I appreciate everything NIH has done for me. It's just that I'm poor and no that's not a stretch by any means. The motels in walking distance or that have the shuttle run 200 bucks a night. Two nights in one of those would pay my rent for a month back home, and I haven't worked in 6 weeks since my surgery. So yeah I'm bummed about it. I always feel like a bum asking the social worker at NIH for help. I've paid my way my whole life. Being dependant on others isn't something I'm used to.

Other than that I'm healing quite well and am trying to change my lifestyle. I quit smoking cigarettes about 7 weeks ago now, haven't had a drink in weeks, and stopped smoking marijuana about 4 days ago now. It's rough. I'm having the biggest issue with not smoking weed. I'm not the best person when it comes down to having to face reality. Atleast I've finally come to grips with that truth. I wasn't doing it for fun or even the high anymore. I was doing it to escape. I was doing it because I couldn't stop the thoughts running through my mind on my own. I've been an escape artist for so long. Done many drugs in my days to ease the pain of depression, being lonely, being scared, being doubtful, to ease low self esteem, or to be accepted in my social group. I'm sick of it. I've never met one single person in my life that has been a success and a drug addict. It takes away the drive to succeed. I feel like if I care enough about myself to fight VHL and have many surgeries plus fighting kidney cancer then I owe it to myself to learn how to take care of myself. I've gotta try. It's all I can do. I hope I don't fall down but maybe just maybe if I have the strength to start I'll also have the strength to stand up and dust myself off if need be.