Hi, everyone. I thought it might be good for me to write. I just got back from my PCP and I feel terrible. I went in there feeling positive about the appointment- some things have been better, some things have been worse, but overall I feel like I've been coping alright. I just was following up on everything with him, had a couple new things to talk about and some disability paperwork to go over. I ended up feeling horrible. I felt like because my weight is still stable and I've been able to get some exercise and get out of the house more, that I shouldn't be applying for disability after all. I felt like by emphasizing the fact that I have been working really hard to get as healthy as I can, that I came across as though I'm fine and I just don't feel like working so I've decided to apply for disability. Maybe I should have reminded him about the many hours out of the day that I spend in the bathroom (and how much this interfered with work for years, even before GP), or laying down propped up after pureed food to keep the nausea from getting too out of control. Or the sleepless nights spent waking up repeatedly with abdominal pain from soup I ate 8 hours earlier. Or the aspirating problem I've started having from time to time when I regurgitate food and acid and end up breathing it into my lungs. I also have another viral infection or something- I have a really bad cough and tightness in my chest, along with a sore throat, and fatigue (but he doesn't think it's bacterial). My inhaler isn't helping- it's just making the cough deeper and more painful. And these types of problems happen a lot. There are many different systemic things happening, and I felt like such a lazy person who just doesn't feel like working. I've been trying to keep my spirits up and make the most of this until I can get back to work part time (I was advised not to work at all until the disability goes through), and now I feel like I'm just hanging out, having a good time, waiting for a handout. I guess his reaction just tapped into all the guilt I already feel for making this decision to not go back to work right away and to go this route where I put my health first and everything else comes second. That's pretty much the decision I made. I have life-long, chronic, progressive, health problems, and if I don't just try to do the right things for myself, then I don't think the future looks very good at all. Between the GP and the Cystic Fibrosis (albeit a milder form), I just feel like this is what I need to do. I was getting sicker and sicker trying to work even 37.5 hours a week. I usually managed 25, and with a lot of difficulty, and I really felt like I was running myself into the ground.
Sorry for venting. I just feel terrible. And as usual, so many people on this site are struggling much more than I am, and I feel badly complaining, but I just need to get it out there. Maybe I should be working through this more than I am, but when I look at the big picture, and how sick I still am sometimes and how unreliable my health is, I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I just don't know...
Thanks for listening.
Kate