the internet

So I'm trying to be a good consumer and check everything out. I google and avoid sites that don't have reputable sources. Then I get scared.
So I walk outside with the dog.Or I go read a good book. Or I hug my about to leave for college daughter.
There is a quiet fear that I push away, and connect to the goodness of life and the sweetness of those I love.
Generally CC stage iv is not very responsive to treatment.So far I've been lucky.
My gyn/onc feels we can fight a good aggressive fight, and I join him in this decision. The damn new 7mm lung nodule exacerbates my fear. I wrestle it back.Fear is the little mind killer.....
Tired. Have a cold. Every new ache and pain is dissected, is it a new red flag or a garden variety nothing to worry about?
Leave the bedroom and smile for the child that is leaving home. Want her to have better memories of her last year at home. There was the chemo and the surgery and the radiation and the chemo. She brought me pretty trays with little bits of food. I will miss her, and know she needs to go to the next part of her life. I do things with her every day to be able to give her some time that will bring smiles.
After I drop her off at school I'll visit her brother and his new wife. He is in his last year of medical school, and very aware of prognosis, but has been optomistic and supportive. Calling every day and sending silly e mails.
Then home, for a lung biopsy under general.
Fear. Hope. Joy. Love. Death. Fear. Fight. Love
And the love is the biggest gift. Life the best adventure. Hope the daily companion. Fear the stealth confuser. Joy the painting of light. Death the final player in the adventure.
I will fight .