wish i had denial back

Until this week I had been going along in what I refer now to as denial. My SCA happened in July and within a week I had an ICD. It all happened so fast and without warning. I had a dream last night and I really thought that I was having another SCA. I could feel the rough motions of the compressions and see the white flash of a shock, the breaths entering my mouth followed by vomit exiting. In my mind I kept saying just wake up you cant die but couldnt wake up. The dream was very vivid and included my house on fire running through my neighborhood to find my children, finding my dog dead and finally bargaining with a "higher power" to please not let this be the end. I finally awoke in a panic crying and screaming for my husband. This began the anger and depression phase of my recovery. I find myself wishing for the return of denial as it was so much easier to deal with, though I know this is a necessary evil to gain acceptance. I am now fearful of sleep as this 'simple' dream was more traumatizing for me than my actual SCA was. Hopeful but scared of what is to come on this journey that I thought I was handling so well. My word of advice for the day is to family and friends of survivors, I had so many visitors while in the hospital and so many people helping with my day to day life..kids..supper..housework all of this assistance and support came in the time of my denial and positive everything is ok phase. Now when I find myself more lost then ever everyone has returned to their normal lives and hardly mentions what to me is a 'brand new' trauma. I want to avoid sounding like a "basket case" to all of the family and friends that were so helpful because they have no way of knowing that the hardest part for me is now not 4 months ago when they were processing the trauma