Because I'm a cancer survivor, and everything I talk about below has been greatly magnified since my cancer treatments, I'm posting this here in the hopes that someone else who has had mental/cognitive side effects from cancer treatment can help me. I've also posted it in the anxiety/depression support group for obvious reasons. I haven't figured out how to post in multiple groups at once, so copy/paste is my only option - duh...)
I'm praying I can get all of the thoughts out of my head and onto this screen before I lose them because I am desperate for help. My background...In retrospect I've lived with depression all my life with active treatment the past 15 years. My childhood was something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - physical/emotional abuse and molestation by my mother's 2nd husband ( I REFUSE to refer to him as a stepfather because he never came anywhere close to being a father of any kind to me) who was also a raging alcoholic. He beat my mom too, which is why she never left him, out of fear. I moved out the day after I turned 18.
Went through a wild time in college - partying, the like and quit with 1 semester of classes and my student teaching left. Stupid. Got married at 27 & had 3 kids over the next 12 years. Divorced at age 38, dated one guy who dumped me the same weekend that I found out I was pregnant AND had stage IIb cancer. Decided to forgo any treatment before delivering a healthy baby girl. When she was 8 weeks old I had major surgery to try & remove a 6 inch tumor wrapped around my spine; surgery failed, they were unable to remove it without major risk of paralysis. Went through 6 rounds of chemo & 20 rounds of radiation as a divorced mom of 4 kids with an inhome daycare...how I got through that time I don't know because I still had to work every day. Ended up remarrying my ex in '07 who has since driven me into bankruptcy. (Wow, seeing it in black/white makes me realize all the bad choices I've made in life - what an idiot I've been.)
Welcome to 2008; I'm 43 yrs old and have chronic complications from the cancer treatments like cognitive dysfunction from the chemo which left me wtih a random memory at best, unable to complete sentences/think of words when talking, inability to understand simple instructions at times...basically, I feel like the village idiot (this from someone who graduated top 3% of her class). I'm 95lbs overweight, have severe OA/pain in both knees and left hip, a poorly resconstructed abdomen after quadruple hernia repair in '06 that causes chronic pain, and an unbelievable case of depression/anxiety that I can't kick to save my life. I belong to an incredible church family and when I'm not living life in the pit of depressive darkness I have a zest and love for Christ that leaves me floating. Those times have become less and less frequent.
I spend more time crying, losing my temper over stupid stuff, enduring anxiety attacks that have me convinced the cancer is back and I'll die soon, or that something awful will happen to my kids, than I do anything else. I'm on meds, which seem to work for a while then don't...I'm seeing a terrific Christian counselor weekly who is the only person outside of one Christian friend that I can open up to with trust that I won't be judged or questioned. I have prayed to God repeatedly to renew my faith and help me rise above this blackness; I have read numerous books on the same. I've tried different meds, doses...you name it. Nothing. I feel like I keep sinking lower and lower and it's getting to the point where I don't want to live like this any longer. BUT, I love my children waaaaaayyyyy to much to leave them so while it's a thought I entertain, it's not something I'll act on.
I am so unbelievably, incredibly tired/sick/exhausted from living a life of physical pain and emotional torment. I'm sick of crying all the time, feeling like a complete failure, making my kids wonder what's wrong with their mother, sucking the joy out of otherwise good memories, having everything go wrong in my life and not being able to deal with any of it. I'll concede that my husband doesn't help matters any - he refuses to take responsibility for *anything*, doesn't matter what. Even something simple as losing a receipt so we could more easily exchange a Christmas gift to our oldest son that didn't work (ended up with my having a horrible bawling episode Christmas night, probably more so because for once I'd had a joyous day until that point). I feel like I have no control over my feelings, that I'm along for the ride on whatever hateful tide of emotions that sweep me up. I'm an embarrassment and a failure...in every aspect of my life.
I can't do this anymore. I just can't. It's gotten worse and worse over the past year and I feel like I'm losing control. Where do I go? Should I try a neurologist to see if the "chemo brain' affected more than just my cognitive function? Is there something that I'm eating or drinking or taking (vitamins, pain meds) that's affecting the depression/anxiety meds (altho according to my doc, no, but they don't live with this)? Could the docs have it wrong and instead I'm bipolar (or God forbid something worse) and the meds they have me on are the wrong ones?
I want to enjoy life, to feel that peace, love and joy that God promises me and share it with my children. They deserve so much more than me....or at the least the person I currently am. I am at the end of my rope, and don't know how to conquer this. If there is anyone out there who has been as low as I am right now and managed to beat this demon, I am begging for any and all suggestions.
Nemomom
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Tired of crying and feeling worthless
- By Nemomom4
- Posted December 26, 2008 at 12:39 pm · 5 replies
- In Managing side effects
- Shared with the public
Explore topics in this discussion:
Cancer Surgery Chronic pain Meditation Anxiety Hernia Pain Memory Depression Paralysis
5 replies
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- By gimpys1
- Posted December 27, 2008 at 6:21 pm
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Hello, Nemomom. I'm not sure if my reply will be of any help, but I also suffer from years and years of depression and also greatly affected by chemo brain. I will be speaking normally and may suddenly lose train of thought, some words or just have trouble expressing what it is I was trying to say. I feel like a stammering fool and people most often do not understand or have the patience to let me work past it. I especially feel completely stupid when speaking to medical personnel as I am a retired nurse. Many of them do understand, but it does nothing to help the feeling I have inside. All that being said, I have arrived at a place where I am able to cope and have been feeling pretty good, even when things are going wrong. I am on medications, both for the cancer and for the depression. Are you able to get a second opinion from a psychiatrist? I don't think your meds are balanced right for you and you either need adjustments or perhaps different meds entirely. What you MUST do, though, no matter what, is continue to do what helps you cope (your church group) and seek help. You are on the right road for both yourself and your kids. You just need to keep going because it CAN be better. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts, most definitely. I have been where you are in the depths of depression and know that is something we always work at, but it is SOOO worth it! May I ask what state you are in? I live in New York and am grateful that I have been lucky enough to find just the right help for me. Please know that you have many, many people who understand from having walked your walk. Keep in touch and please let me know how you are doing. Keep strong and keep praying.
- By devo
- Posted December 28, 2008 at 10:34 am
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I want to reach out and hug you. You might not realize it, but your words are fighting words - you are fighting for yourself - a good thing. You haven't given up. I'm reading that you have a great deal of frustration and when I'm frustrated, I can't seem to think clearly enough to find solutions. So, its good that you can come here and ask for someone else to take a look from the outside and maybe make a suggestion or two.
First, can you analyze your medications for their side effects and combined effects? Can you afford to see a nutritionist for some possible alternatives and maybe a better diet to help with some of the effects from your chemo? I know plenty of people who've had great success just by changing their diets and it doesn't have to happen overnight, but gradually.
Pharmaceuticals, while helpful for debilitating pain, or for controlling an out of control system in the body, can also produce amazingly harmful effects to the nervous system and to the liver. I'm not telling you to suddenly shun your meds but I would definitely urge you to look into what is going into you body that keeps you so frustrated and tired of crying. What is the point of all that? Life is just too short, and although you've had a difficult life, you also love your children and they are still in your life, so there is reason for you to continue strong. We are all born into this world to learn and grow and most of the time this learning comes through pain. When we make poor choices, its not because we are stupid or we lost our way, but because we became fearful, frustrated, and we looked outside of ourselves for answers.
That's the long way around of saying, "be quiet", or, "quiet your mind". You say you have prayed and that you are continuing to do that, but are you praying with faith that your prayers are answered or do you keep praying over and over as though God is not listening? A funny little story - a man prayed to God over and over every day, "God, please let me win the lottery". Over and over he kept saying these words, until one day, he prayed and suddenly, he heard a voice, - "Buy a ticket". LOL.
Point being - pray with faith, and then act. As I see it, you should maybe try to get your meds changed, or re-analyzed, or change your diet, or make an adjustment that will help you be strong again, and then, you should go ahead and forgive yourself for your poor choices (we all make them), count your blessings, focus on what is good in your life, love your favorite hobby or activity, and poor out the love your feel for you children so even you feel that love pour through you and outward.
The being quiet part - simple meditation. Let your mind get quiet and refuse to let the noise of your thoughts permeate it - not always easy, but it is do-able with practice. "Just Be" sounds cliche, but it is the closest to being next to God as you can get right where you are, this very moment. If that's too difficult right now, play your favorite uplifting music, - whatever makes your heart burst with joy, and dance, even by yourself. Find one thing that is going good and walk around it, embrace it, and let it feel good to you.
You are loved.
- By devo
- Posted December 28, 2008 at 10:52 am
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Oops - I wanted to add a few other things. Sorry this is so long, but I feel your pain.
Doctors are not healers, and they don't study nutrition in med school - they study mostly pharmaceuticals, anatomy, some physiology, and practical applications. Very few of them believe in the mind/body connection because unfortunately, there is monetary gain in pushing drugs. Sounds harsh, I know, and I am not saying all doctors are all bad, but that is how our healthcare system works. Many, many people have jobs because of the healthcare industry, so they can't afford for a major revolt of society against them to happen.
So, one solution is to work WITH your doctor, and find one or two that will work WITH YOU! This is not an easy task, I know, but right now, you need a purpose and a mission to help yourself first, because it sounds like your husband probably feels lost that he cannot help you like he would wish to, and you are overwhelmed.
Cut back immediately on any inflammatory foods: salt, sugars, spices, hot foods that produce gases (eggs, whole milk, gluten in breads). Begin drinking lots and lots of water and natural juices - if you don't have a juicer, invest in one and buy some fruits and veggies that you can juice and drink in place of a meal. Carrots, apples, pears, beets, are easy to begin with, then get a book on juicing. The vitamins and minerals you get from juicing is high.
Reduce or eliminate completely red meats, and canned food items, or processed foods in boxes. The amounts of sodium in these products are extremely dangerous. Instead, eat as much fresh produce as you can get. For protein, use protein powders in almond milk, and eat some seeds and nuts, just a small handful.
You'll lose some weight and your body will begin to cleanse itself from the buildup of toxins. Look into things like colon cleanses, liver cleanses, and generally begin to treat your body like it is a living thing instead of a source of pain to be "fixed". It will respond to some loving care and your mind will closely follow.
Research all this of course, here on the internet, and let us know how you come along.
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come forth to assist you" - Goethe
- By jbgary
- Posted December 28, 2008 at 11:50 am
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I am sorry you have gone and are going through such pain, mentallly and physically. At our cancer center, we have a psychiatrist that deals with only cancer patients. I know of many who have gotten great help through her. Do you know of any where you are? I think cancer support groups are wonderful. We go to one and it has helped both my husband and me a lot. We deal with the tough stuff, but we also laugh a lot. It is so great to be among people who truly understand what you're going through. When I've been so low that I can't even pray, I let the Lord carry me through, until we get answers. Please, please, please, get to a doctor/psychiatrist to help you with the depression. It's a journey none of us can do alone. I'm sending you a BIG hug and if you would like to have someone to listen to you or to talk with, I would gladly be here for you, as so many others would. My e-mail address is: jbgary@comcast.net
Thinking of you and praying for you. Keep fighting!!!! Jackie
- By lisa1972
- Posted January 1, 2009 at 10:10 am
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Nemomom,
Your post really hit home for me.I also had a childhood from hell.I was also molested by my mom's 2nd husband.I also live with chronic pain 24/7 and I swear I lost at least 50 IQ points.One day I couldn't figure out what to call a pencil.I just sat there with it in my hand,crying like a baby.I can't remember anything.I used to be a great speller,won numerous spelling bees in high school,now I can't spell simple words that my 4th grader can.I went through the anger phase too.It's a wonder I didn't go to jail or get my tail whopped.I got into an argument with a woman in WalMart last Christmas and I threatened to kill her.Her husband got her outta there fast.I can still cuss somebody out at the drop of a dime.That's just not who I am it's like someone else was doing it.I was diagnosed with IDC stage 2 in June 2006 and for the longest all I could do was look at my 9 year old son and cry.I too gained alot of weight(40 lbs) and I'm miserable,not only am I ashamed that I look like a cow but it makes my pain worse.I had 4 months of chemo then 7 months of Herceptin.I made it through the surgery(bilateral) and the chemo then I fell to pieces.I stayed in a psychiatric hospital for 11 days and they adjusted my meds and I felt better.My oncologist said it's normal to break down after such a hard fight.Honey,you will find the peace that God assures us of.You will make it through this too,you are a strong woman.During treatment I told myself over and over "This too shall pass.All things must come to an end".Try to remember that and see if it comforts you any.I will be here for you anytime and will do what I can to help.My Email is lisanjohnny89@aol.com.I will be glad to send you my phone number if you need someone to talk to or just someone to listen.I will be praying for you to find peace.Take Care.
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