Should One Give Up?

I wonder at which point in time should God, or whoever is in charge, just quit screwing around with me and pull the trigger. Between the age of 6 and 22, I've had cancer surgery on my brain, back, arms and legs a total of 14 times. I've had 400+ stiches, 26 staples, 2 bolts, and 2 plates. I was told back in 1989, when I was 6, that I was one of the first children to survive brain cancer, but I can't prove this claim.

My main question is, what is the point of survival if you'll never be able to enjoy life the way you did before? Also, I find it ironic that I'm a well educated, wealthy, heterosexual white male with no military background, but my friends are all veterans, minorities, jews, and/or homosexuals that have most likely suffered tragedies that were as debilitating as the ones I have suffered.

So what is the reason why one should not commit suicide? The first thing that comes to mind is love. And then I think of about the half-dozen girls that I've fell in love over years and how they all broke my heart. Maybe I should stand in the street with a trench coat and a boom box over my head, but that won't solve the problem.

The second thing I think of is that the suicidial thoughts will soon pass. Then I remember when I was 6, and my only two friends, who also had brain cancer died at the age of 6 and 8. At that point I wished the lord would take me also. Therefore, now 18 years later I feel this is not a temporary emotion.

The third, and only withstanding reason as to why I don't kill myself is because I feel that I could some how make this fucked up world we live in a slightly better place before I die. However I don't how and I would greatly welcome suggestions.

By Rj
Posted April 18, 2008 at 9:27 pm
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Chris, You have touched a very deep part of my heart. I honestly wish that I don't know how you feel. but I do. Sometimes I don't think about 'it' but those moments are rare. If I had a 'wish', I'd be happy to give it to you. You sound like a wonderful person and able to see others with compassion and love.
Of course, we've all been through a lot and I'm glad you can see that in your family and friends. When it comes to life with cancer I think few of us admit we have these thoughts and fortunately they do pass. For me they return quickly and do more harm than good. but they do pass faster with a 'full head'.

A wise friend asked me to write a letter of explanation to everyone that I would leave behind. and just after "Dear," like magic I no longer want to write... anymore. at least not then anyway. I believe this is called "diversion therapy"? Oh, I do exclaim! I'm doing it now!!!
Maybe thats what 'it's' all about?

Your post touched me and I felt compelled to respond, without even thinking about it. Yet as I write ( and I really mean now) I realize that is what is happening. Your heartfelt honesty moved me-out of my own self...
and thats good.
Maybe now I can tell you about my plans to help me feel like 'it' all means something.
Since my dx-chemo-radiation and if I get through this promises ... I think you know exactly what I mean...
I've been planning to take a cross country road trip, to CA. and maybe back also? However, I've been in a whats it all about mood because I should have been on the road three days ago. possibly bone mets???
had another bone scan the other day and all of the other 'usual' scans since Oct.07. Waiting is not my virtue,

On a positive note, Someday, SOON, I will be taking a camcorder to interview other cancer survivors along the road. Hoping to produce a documentary to widen this underfunded and fatal disease. I hope to call it
"The Faces Of Lung Cancer. I am not sure My film will successfully change the way most people think of LC, ... but I'm sure going to try.

Thank you for filling my head, I hope I can do the same for you.
Rj.

By pinkbubbles
Posted April 19, 2008 at 11:50 am
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Chris, Only god knows when your purpose is finished on earth. You never ever ever give up, because god is in control. Just listen when he speaks to you. Read your bible and find a good support groups. Always put god first. We never know why we go through difficulties, but remember gods is in control, God uses the doctors skills to do his work. He will determine when your times is near, but i truly believe god is not finished with you and that you have a testimony to tell the world.

BB

By aussieangel265
Posted April 19, 2008 at 8:26 pm
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Hi Chris
I was really touched by your question and following comments/thoughts. I must admit that in the 7 years I have been running a support group here in Australia, I have never heard anyone ask that question, and it made me really think, why? I certainly intend to bring this question up for discussion at our next meeting and will let you know the responses.
My personal journey began 9 years ago, when I was diagnosed with a metastatic squamous cell carcinoma of unknown primary. I was told that my chances of surviving past 5 years were extremely slim - seen that dr off bigtime!
Your journey has obviously been a lot tougher than mine Chris, and you are a younger than I. I cant begin to imagine the pain and anguish you feel. A young mum who lives locally has a nine year old son with a brain tumour which has now become quite agressive. I have seen the impact on her and shared her feelings of what this little boy is never going to experience, things sometimes us "oldies" take for granted. But just to watch him struggle to eat, breathe, speak etc, makes your question all the more real to me.
I dont have the answer Chris - but I am here across the ocean offering support and friendship the best way I know how.
Take care
Lyn

By LaGata
Posted April 20, 2008 at 7:03 pm
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Chris-Reed,

Why should you not committ suicide? Because someone loves you. Because it would break someone's heart that is dear to you. Because you would be causing such hurtfulness to someone you love. And last but not least, because you impact other's lives without even knowing who they are.

You are tired of the illness. I understand that as I am a cancer survivor. You want life to go back to normal, but what is "normal" after all that you have been through? Aren't you and I and many others looking for that ideal that we think someone else has? The perfect life, spouse, children, career, future? Have you ever wondered if those things really do exist? and if they do, that's wonderful. But I don't see myself in that scenario. It won't ever happen for me. So, I do the very best I can, within my own limitations, and enjoy what I can as much as I can.

You say you are wealthy, that's one dream you don't have to be bothered with. The gals you gave your heart to, hurt you. Do you think they're all the same? They're not. Afraid you don't have a future? Look how long you've already survived. Live each day as though it's your last but plan for 50 years because the decisions you make now could affect you for that long.

I'm not religious. I don't have that safety net of belief in a life after death where everthing will be perfect. I don't believe it exists. Am I sad for that? No, I can't say I am. But it did release me to concentrate on doing the best I can for myself and my fellow man while I'm alive. I cherish life more than I ever did before. I enjoy the simple things around me more than I ever did before because it made me come to grips with my mortality. And when I was diagnosed with cancer the first time or even the second time, it was okay. It was just a side tour on my journey of adventure called life.

My son and only child died five years ago. So I'm asking you to think of others when you contemplate suicide. And then put that thought aside. Concentrate on what is around you that you can find pleasure in and how to share that pleasure. You'll find a new meaning to just being who you are and what experiences you have gone through and help those that are just stepping into that unfamiliar path. That is probably the very best thing you can do to start. After that, you'll find your own way is easier. Honest.

By mommavic
Posted April 21, 2008 at 12:25 pm
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Dear Chris,

I've been suicidal several times during my 41 years, but God has always saved me! God doesn't want us to take our own lives, he wants us to turn to Him. He wants to help us, but we have to seek Him and ask Him.

Please always remember... "if God brings you to it, then He will bring you through it!"

God Bless,
Victoria

By jbgary
Posted April 26, 2008 at 12:46 pm
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Hi Chris-Reed,
I can't add much to what your other replies have said, but I, too, know that God has gone with me through my 4 years of Stage 4 NHL. I can't imagine all that you have gone through. Pain causes many negative feelings. In my cancer support group, which has been such a comfort and help, we talk about the "new normal". I don't think anything is ever the same after you get that cancer diagnosis and treatment. The energy I had is certainly not there anymore and I deal daily with serious side effects that were caused by the cancer. Having cancer has helped me stop worrying about the little things in my life, and has given me a new outlook on dealing with the important things in my life. I enjoy so many things now that I took for granted before. I, also, think that God is not done with you and that you have a purpose on this earth. You have impacted many people with the long journey through cancer that you have already gone through. Are you on anti-depressants? They have helped me get through things. Take care, Jackie

By biggirl
Posted April 28, 2008 at 10:27 am
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Hi Chris,
Thank you for having the courage to just come out and say what was on your mind. Thart can be hard when what is on your mind is suicide. And its been on your mind for a long time. I've had cancer (colon) for less than 3 years and I am a child in this world of cancer by comparison to you. I can only imagine (and not even that well) what that must have been like--having your life turned upside down at such a young age.
But, I have been having the feelings of deep depression & thoughts of suicide since before you were born, so that makes me a much older woman in terms of questioning the purpose of life. I don't have a religion that pulls me along or that I look to for guidance or support. I don't think that that necessarily works for everyone. That's just my own opinion, nothing more. And I can't tell you what to do.

Bottom line is that you will have to find out what is important to you or what brings you happiness or a sense of being that feels like you are doing what you are supposed to be doing--for now. As you know--and probably started to learn much younger than me--people and abilities, even places-nothing lasts forever without change. We all age, change, move or leave. We spend our time engaged with those in our current world, looking back occasionally to those we have known and maybe loved along the way and like you already are looking forward and around to others out there who you don't yet know.

I don't mean to sound like I know it all or like I'm some old woman who thinks she knows what you should do. That's not it. But if you want to talk along the way, I would like to have a friend who has had similar feelings and questions about life.

By Catlover
Posted April 29, 2008 at 6:02 pm
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Chris,

My prayer for you is that God will speak to you in a most definitive way where you will have the peace necessary to survive. It is not in God's perfect plan to have you end your life. There is a purpose for you on this earth until the day when your time is up naturally. You have already made an impact on those within this group. Keep the faith, brother.

By maggiel
Posted May 13, 2008 at 8:31 am
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Hi Chris-Reid

Over the years, as a school psychologist, I've had referrals to see children who had been diagnosed with cancer. There were days when they felt sad, could not attend school, fell behind in their work, but overall, I could see that they bounced back into their lives. One of the things that touched me about these children was that they appeared to find meaning in their lives. I say meaning because these chidren graduated from high school and went on to persue their dreams or perhaps find jobs to support themselves or their families. When I think of the word meaningful, it now has a different meaning for me than when I first encountered it in my early twenties. Back then, I was looking hard for something to do that would change the world. I remember thinking that one person alone could make a difference, but I had no idea how to go about it. Other than working, my life had no meaning in terms of my values and beliefs, because making money was not what I wanted. One day, while working for a bank, a co-worker approached me. He knew about my predicament and then proceeded to tell me his life story. His family had left everything behind in Uganda when escaping sure death from the Idi Amin regime in Africa. They had left with pocket money and had arrived in Canada as refugees. The loss of all his possessions, for a man whose only purpose in life was to become wealthy, was devastating. However, the loss also uncovered something he had taken for granted. He discovered that he wanted to care for his family, protect them and make sure they succeeded at what they wanted to do without the stresses that come along when living in a dictatorship. He then said to me, "you have to find a purpose in life". That phrase stayed with me for years while I looked for that purpose, studying, thinking and finally finding a job which would lead me to work with children in schools. I never thought that having this opportunity would then lead me to complete graduate studies in psychology so I could become a registered professional. I did and have worked for many years in schools and research. Last year, however, I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer and my oncologist told me women like me do not work again. The disease is unpredictable, incurable and progressive. It devastated me. However, in one of the support groups I joined, the Healing Journey, I heard those words again, "find meaning in life". I am now in that quest to find meaning, regardless of the time I have left. I was given three to four months, but I've survived a year and feeling good. Out of this, I began to look around and knew I had to think fast. What could I do to change the world in so little time. For one, I do something everyday that I think may have a ripple effect. If I can smile at someone and greet them, I know that this may make their day, which in turn will lead them to be nice to others. Second, I have a son who has mild autism, very smart, but needs support in organizing his life. I have spent more time setting up supports for him, in case the oncologist's predictions come true soon. While doing this, I teach others what it is to have autism, to help them change their expectations and judgment of people with autism. And lastly, I found that I love painting, but I give away all my paintings as I love to see others smile. Overall, when I wonder if there's any point in going through more treatments, as I know I will be on chemo for the rest of my life (the words of my apathetic oncologist), I have something he could not take away from me, and that is HOPE. Cling to hope, cherish it, and never let go. I am looking for another purpose in life again, which I know is tied to helping others. It may not be in the form of paid work, but the small things I can do to put a smile in someone's face are really the best compensation I can obtain. Well, I pass on this philosophical tidbit, once passed on to me by a man who had lost everything. Perhaps he did not rise up again to his expectations of success, but the love of others gave him a reason to live. From your words, you are a survivor, of course, but they tell a lot about who you are. You have friends who they themselves have had hard lives, you are capable of loving and you want to be loved. Perhaps knowing that developing relationships and keeping them is important to you, regardless of their station in life, it can be a starting point. Perhaps joining an organization that would allow you to help others, volunteering or making suggestions might fulfill you. I think that if you look at the "big picture' when you find something meaningful, you'll see that your contributions to this world will be very important. All the best.

By janestanton
Posted May 22, 2008 at 9:44 am
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Chris, God has appointed everyone a time in which they shall be judged, the day of our death is determined before God laid the foundation of this earth, our times is in Gods hands alone, so man can not give you this answer.

The point of survival is that you come to meet your God and believe in his Son the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved by his grace, this way you will enjoy an eternity without pain and suffering as you do on this earth at this moment, if you were to get saved you would be praising God that he allowed you to survive what you have so far, many die and miss the opportunity to repent to turn back to God.

One should not commit suicide because it is a breaking of the Moral Commandments of God, Namely Thou Shalt Not Kill.

I think its amazing that your life was spared, a miracle in fact and once you come to see it like this, I am sure you will see the hand of God in your life, it’s a blessing that you are well educated, there are many with brain injuries that can not put two letters together.
It's a blessing that you are wealthy as there are people who are eating out of bins and starving even as I type this letter to you.
It’s a blessing that you have no military background as many mothers are mourning the loss of their sons in the wars that have passed, namely the Iraq war.

Yes you could make this world a better place with direction and the leading hand of God, if you want anymore advice on how to do this, I wont point you to a Church, but I can point you to one who suffered and died alone for you, to the one who is a father to the fatherless and a judge of the widows, the one who takes you up when all others forsake you, the one who sticks closer than a brother.

All the best and ride the waves of depression and remember as you go down you will come up.

I too have suffered a horrific life and as I type this letter I have just been told that I have Cancer, but I have a peace that surpasses all understanding and a confidence towards God that my life has not and will not be in vain, I have a purpose because I have been fearfully and wonderfully made and so have you.

Yours Faithfully

Michaela

Perth WA

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