Disinhibition

After my sca I was constantly blurting out the first thought that came to my mind. I didn't realize it was unusual, nor did I see anything wrong with it. I liked being "open" and "frank"!! We should ALL be "open and frank", right?!
But years later when I connected with a neuro-psychologist and she recognized my "disinhibition" (a neurological disorder that impacts our ability to appropriately edit our first thoughts from being expressed), I learned about hurting people and confusing people with my blurted-out words.
I began taking control of my voice and waiting for appropriate times to express my thoughts. I started to realize that the first words I wanted to say were often distracting or hurtful if I didn't take the time to explain them, and taking the time to explain them would often disrupt the flow of discussion and be a frustration for my fellow group members.
So I worked to be quieter...
But after time I realized I couldn't TOTALLY control my disinhibition (a brain injury is a tricky thing!) and sometimes my thoughts were just going to COME OUT!
So....if I couldn't stop myself from speaking, I needed to work on the thoughts and feelings that were going to come out, because I didn't want to hurt anyone and I'm not a nasty person.
And the only way to do that was to "think nice thoughts"...and I was FULLY aware of the fact that I couldn't always do that.
What a dilemma! But I decided to work on my "love" towards my fellow human beings and that took me on a road towards a higher being, a divine entity... my God. And that's where I rest today. I work to love and keep my thoughts and feelings about others in a loving "lane" and it helps a lot. I still voice my thoughts, but I don't feel guilty (as often!) about what I've said. And people don't avoid me like they used to.
I'm still alone in many ways, not because I want to be but because my personal experience of a sudden cardiac arrest so sets me outside the majority of other people's life events that it automatically puts me outside the circle when I share that part of my story. So, as I've learned about the disinhibition, I don't share the sca as publicly as I used to, but I unapologetically own it and take it along privately as the road continues to turn and twist through life.