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"What are some of the strangest comments others have made"

Ciboney1
2 Recommendations

I know as we all face each day; we get comments that maybe well meaning but don't get taken that way by us on the receiving end of the comment.

Myself after having had Cancer twice w/multiple surgeries, radiation,BCG,Chemo, etc..I know I may be sensitive but there are moments when any cancer victim feel down and alittle low somedays..

Recently I had a relative say to me. "You look great, you have beat this cancer to." " Amazing".....My reply, "yes I look pretty good for what has been going on, I wished my insides looked as good.". He kind of stopped speaking and just starred at me..( Like you don't know that an apple is sweet until you taste the inside..)DUH..
We as patients and caregivers try to look the best we can when going out but believe me the inside isn't always so perky...

Just thought there are others out there that get strange comments and they may want to share their experiences..
Arlene

Explore topics in this discussion:

Cancer Heart transplant Measles Surgery Chronic pain Eye glasses Mumps Stress Arthritis Breast cancer Skin cancer Pain Hearing aids Lung cancer Diarrhea Bladder cancer

73 replies

Cheyenne

I'm not sure Arlene. I rarely tell anyone about what's going on. I'm pretty private about all this. Besides my wife and boys only a few ffriends know and those friends are genuinely concered. Of course in a small town things do get out and my absence at a lot of functions and in beiing around causes some to ask where I have been and I usually just say busy try to stay alive which they see as kidding because that's what I do all the time. I guess I have been one of the more fortunate ones. And some who do know have had cancer or have it so they understand if they happen to find out I go to out of town docs and hospitals so it's not common knowledge. Sometimes people will say you feeling OK? I'll just say, yup, just a little tired.. My friends and family know when I feel beaten up and always offer to help. As I said, I'm one o the luckier ones and pretty private. But most people just don;t know because I don;t let it be known.

JLV

Probably the worst comment I received on diagnosis was that I must have got BC for a reason!

Lately when I told a close friend that my recent CT scan and bloods results were clear, she said why would they test for BC when I didn't have a bladder any way.
:) Julie

CrazyHorse

My family knows the deal with me as far as BC but I don't talk about it with others as it is none of their business and I don't want there pity anyway. Julie as far as that comment you got people are idiots and think nothing is never going to happen to them, how many of us thought we get BC? I was healing from a left hip replacement and the whole time I had a 10 cm tumor growing on my bladder. I don't wish bad on anyone but some of these people never know what's going on inside their own bodies. CrazYhorse

LadyJane123

I have written this here before but a girlfriend said to me, I must have gotten BC because I don't like to sit on public chairs with bare legs. I'll lay a towel down so that I won't stick to it.
She said my paranoia/germaphobia of sitting on chairs has made the powers that be, instill cancer into my bladder. I laughed my head off, she didn't.

silgal

Arlene, I totally know what you mean..... I try so hard to remember that people don't know what to say and sometimes it leaves them saying the wrong thing but I had a funny one too (Shawne, yours is sooo funny!) :

When I was little i suffered from uti's.... which should have been a warning sign but wasn't... anyway, i was advised to drink cran juice and not take baths... showers instead.... so one person said maybe i got bc because i wasn't really clean from not taking baths all these years........ :( don't think so.... i guess you just have to say..... whateva......
michelle

vtom

For the most part - people are at a loss for words. However, my all time favorite - said by two different - very well meaning people - but not the necessarily the sharpest tools in the shed . . .

When I shared that I was having my bladder removed this summer - their response was . . .

"can you live without a bladder??"

I guess I could have had fun with it and said - "No you can't - so let's say our goodbyes now before I head into surgery and my family will let you know about my arrangements."

Instead - I explained the process and how everything would work - and hoped that they would think twice before asking questions like that. V

Annasvenska

When I was diagnosed a year ago I called one of my closest friends and told her that I had a consultatiion with a highly regarded urologist/oncologist and that my bladder had to go out. Her response was"No do REALLY have to do that. It doesn't seem right." She acted as if my doctor was completely out of line in his recommendation.

The same girlfriend sent me a "sunny greetings" email the day after my RC and told me to just have a cozy time at the hospital and completely relax and enjoy. (Can't say that life was either cozy or sunny right after surgery)

Cancer just evokes all kinds of feelings in people and some have difficulties allowing friends to be in a space that is not necessarily faboulous for a while. I believe its really important to be present to the feelings even though they are not great or happy all the times. One has to feel pain and go through pain in order to release it but in our culture we are so addicted to feeling great (and appearing to look good at many different levels)all the times, that is hard to acknowledge pain as a normal part of life.

Sorry I went a little too far with my comments...

Anna

Keith1

One of my favorites from an anesthesiologist that saw me in pre-op. We were going over my history. First let me explain. I had a throat injury we I was 10 and have a low voice. I wear ufo's (leg braces) due to md. I wear eye glasses and bilateral hearing aids. He said " So you can't walk, can't talk, can't hear, can't see, can't pee, boy you must be great fun at a party!

Gnomic

Except for my workplace, most everyone knows about my situation. Decided early on to let most friends and neighbors know as it becomes a stress reducer and catharsis for all concerned. It's just my way of dealing with it and not holding it in. Talking about it helps considerably. It works for me and helps others. (Indeed, I'm probably responsible for many of my friends recent visits to their physcician.)

Like we all were prior, most people have scant or superficial knowledge of BC so I spend time explaining. Sometimes others perceptions can be a little off kilter such as one friends suggestion (and he was serious) that I move to the tropics and live naked on a beach somewhere so that I don't need the "bag". (I have an ileal conduit). Others are envious of my not stopping often on long car trips. So far that is as bizarre as they get but will keep you posted.

joybob

Well here is my take on this. People do not know how to respond. Some simply don't call because of this. Others feel awkard and sometimes the wrong words come out. I try not to be too judgemental, if I did I would be mad most of the time. The people who laughed this off at my husband, I simply do not respond to anymore. The truly concerned and there are not that many are still a big part of our lives. I amfortunate to have many good friends who have been there for us. And a good family base. But ii doesn't change the fact that you get up with this pink elephant in the living room everyday. You try your best not to waste the day and enjoy yourself. I too share very little with people, just a couple of good friends have actually seen me cry. This is something that almost everyone is touched by at some time. And until it happens to them, they will not have the understanding of how tough it is. Waste not your time on negative energy, embrace those you love and let go of the baggage of people who really don't care anyway. Joycee

Sincerely

Most of my friends, family, and even acquaintances were kind, supportive and even if a little "ill-infomred", were well meaning and open to whatever "education" about BC I was willing to proffer. The comment that bothered me most came from the urologist who did my TURBT and gave me the "bad news". He told me (a bit smugly, I thought) that I had bladder cancer, "probably from all of those years of smoking". Now I know that he was likely right but at that particular moment I really didn't didn't see the need to beat me over the head with it! Fortunately his next comment made me feel 100% better ... "I cannot treat you for this, you will need to be referred to one of the large university hospitals in the area."

Annasvenska

Keith!!!!

I can't believe your anestehsiologist said that!!!! He must have bit his tongue after wards. Well I have said some stupid things to in my life.

When I came here 16 years ago I needed a vacuum cleaner so I went to Walmart. Here in the Us there are always so many things to choose froom and I was really over whelmed at the sight of all the vacuumcleaners, besides I was 27 and wasn't exactly experienced with vacuumcleaners. I grabbed a 20 year old sales man, grabbed a vacuum looked him straight in the eyes and said (on my then not so fluent english)" Is this a good vacuum cleaner" where he answered "Yeah". I still wasn't convinced that it really would do its job so I said (translated straight from Swedish to english)"I mean, does it suck well"....the moment those words passed my lips I realized that I probably should have re phrased that line a little.

pjfcafe

I was telling a couple of my friends in Brazil about my surgery. As the RC took 11 and a half hours, my wife was beginning to worry that maybe I didn't make it. late in the evening she got the call that I was fine. One of my Brazilian friends asked: " What did she do with the Champagne?"

Karego

Ciboney, most people can't relate to any experience we humans encounter unless they too have had that opportunity. We learn as we go.
Keith, that comment is so comical, either he/she was trying to be funny or it was an insult. We are so measured by the physical. Very few see any benefit of looking for the true spirit of each individual. We have to forgive the 'unlearned' as we certainly don't want them to have to learn by experience do we?
I too speak openly about bladder cancer. Often I wonder if my audience 'gets it' when they see me apparently getting on with life and appearing in excellent health. It may be a 'catch 22' for us. We are examples of life after such a diagnosis, but if we exhibit no outward signs of debilitation, then the serious, life threatening message may lose some of its emphasis.
Oh well! We still must get the message out.
Karego

lsh

Well, I think Keith's anesthesiologist wins the award for the most inappropriate remark! Wow...too bad you can send him this thread, huh?

Lynda

Gnomic

Anesthesiologists tend to be talkative because they know you will not be awake for the punchline. This may also be the reason theirs is the first bill you get before you are even home from the hospital.

Gnomic

Karego, I like to think that a lack of signs of debilitation doesn't necessarily make people complacent so much as quietly inspired. Cancer does not have to be terminal and that message can come across.. You can go through the hottest fire and come out OK. It gives them momentary pause and reinforces their attitude for their own possibilities down the road. Of course, some people will never understand but most will. It's just that most don't think of it 24/7 as we must.

jmch

well, we've been pretty open about it and people have been pretty sane in comments, and nobody running off scared. But, also pretty early in this and so not much to scare people with. We live on acreage, and i dragged craig on a walk down the driveway with the mutts while cath'd, he wore a wraparound that we'd gotten in fiji so his leg bag didn't show. one of the neighbors drove up our private road just then, stopped and chatted, and admired his skirt. so much for shocking anyone.
but times have changed. when my mom had (and died of) cancer in 1970, people got very upset if you even used the 'c' word, i was just a kid and one neighbor lady got mad and told me never to say that again ! You'da thought i'd used the 'f' word the way she reacted. freaked me out.

daveyo

here's a classic i got last sunday....

an old buddy came over while i was playing pool and said.."how's that cancer treating you dave o?"

my reponse was "great, thanks"

gotta love the stupid

balihigh

What an interesting post, Arlene!! My friends and family have been most supportive of me and I have talked openly about my cancer from the first diagnosis always in an optimistic way. I, too, had a urologist make a memorable remark. After my first TURB he told me that I did have bladder cancer but that it was just like skin cancer and you just scape it off. I do it everyday. Well, I had already done lots of research and knew that it WASN'T like skin cancer. His point was not to scare me but I want the truth. Of course I eventually left him and went to SK.

Keith, your story reminded me of a joke. This woman was complaining about getting old. She was talking to her husband, wanting some sympathy, and saying that she now had wrinkles, gray hair, putting on weight, hard of hearing, arthritis, etc. He responded by saying that at least her eye sight was still good.

My father in law's boss takes the prize to me for the most offensive action. My FIL, in his late 70's at the time, was in the hospital with a life threatening condition. He was recovering after surgery and the boss brought him a beanie baby type stuffed buzzard and set him on the foot of the bed. As soon as the boss left, FIL ordered us to get that thing out of his room that he wasn't ready to die. He lived to be 93.

Sometimes you must find humor in situations. It is much more fun to laugh than conplain.
Hugs,
Nancy

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