It’s been over 9 months now since my doctor and his robot gutted me and gave me a new plumbing system complete with a pee bag that I drag around with me 24/7. As all of you with bags know well, I also have a little red puckered new friend who can’t feel anything and who seems to enjoy spouting like a little fire hose whenever he feels like it. I also have a new and very small little friend who has been in a coma for the best part of the 9 months but he just recently grew 2” overnight. Me and him were watching some really, really good internet porn and he suddenly began to wake up. We saw a bright light in the sky and we held each other tight in wonderment. It was a miracle as far as I was concerned but he’s still kind of numb so it was a short celebration. He’s the smaller brain and my stoma (who also has a little brain of his own) just hangs with us when we take showers together. The little / getting-bigger guy used to be a 3-hander but he was reduced to a 3 incher and now is back to a 5 incher but that didn’t last. (More than you want to know, I bet.) The next day, he sort of went back into his little coma. Of course, we haven’t been able to share any more good internet viewing because it seems so weird to the big brain to have to do something like that to wake up the smaller brain but …… waddyagonnado? I’m getting off point and I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing about my little guy’s problems. Tough!
Now, to get back to the purpose of this post. When I take a dump these days the smell is unbelievable to me and even to my little dog. She used to like sitting in the bathroom right in front of the toilet sort of between my knees looking up at me as I sat on it pooping but now she won’t get near me or the bathroom when I’m on the pot. That’s bad, folks. Something is really strange here. This is a dog that loves rolling in other dog’s poop and sticking her nose in really ugly stinky places like other dog's butts. I never used to smell like this. Looking down at my dog that was between my knees while she was looking up at me while I was pooping used to help me poop. I miss that.
I’m 185 pounds and have been for the past 40 years or so no matter what I eat or don’t eat. Everyone is going to scold me. I can feel it coming BUT my diet hasn’t changed a bit. It consists of big juicy steaks whenever possible, chili, fried chicken, pizza, spaghetti, lots of vegetables and mashed potatoes with gravy and ice cream bars, brownies, home-made chocolate chip cookies with pecans in them, the occasional cake, and about 5 cups of coffee every day etc. My wife (of 46 years) bakes whenever she gets excited or worried so I keep her in a constant state of excitement and worry (unintentionally). I get blueberry, strawberry, cherry, peach, chocolate, and apple pies most anytime I want because it doesn’t take much to excite or worry her lately and she does enjoy baking. She says that she’s very happy because she really does love to bake and she can crank one of these wonderful pies out in about 20 minutes. I just got a tray full of home-made brownies with pecans in them a few minutes ago. Waa Hoo
Life is good but my poop smells really horrible. I have to breathe through my mouth when I’m on the toilet and tell others to stay out of the bathroom for about 10 minutes afterwards. They say that a fox can’t smell his own hole but my hole is so smelly these days that even this old fox can’t stand to be in it. Is this a sign that I’m on my way out of this world? I can’t change because I don’t adapt well at all to change. If my wife moves anything in our home more than 2”, it’s gone forever for me. I really don’t want to change but I also really don’t want to have paramedics prying me off of the toilet in a horizontal position either and I also don’t want to blow the back end of my house up if a match is lit. There’s no telling how explosive these fumes might be. Is this the way all guys who were gutted by their doctors smell? My doctor won’t discuss it with me. All he says is “Don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine.” I should go poop in his office bathroom, light a match, and then see if he has anything more to say about this. Anyone else having these problems or am I the only horribly stinky guy in the world?