My Wife is 58 Years Old and Declining Fast

• By Thur
• Reply 3489470
• October 25, 2012 at 7:27 pm
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Hang in. You sound like a loving and compassionate person. The clingy ness is common. I too have had to deal with it. This site will be helpful to you to just unload and connect wt. others. Prays are wt you and your wife.

• By jdpitt
• Reply 3489905
• October 25, 2012 at 10:08 pm
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My 62 year old husband was diagnosed in February 2012. I feel that his decline is going fast also. I would say he is in stage 4. It seems like something new is always happening. All I can think is if this is the easy part, how will I ever manage.
Sorry you are going through this too, but it is nice to have a place to go where others really do understand.
Blessings to you and your family.

• By CB2012 (Inactive)
• Reply 3489920
• October 25, 2012 at 10:13 pm
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Welcome to the most supportive, kind, caring group of people I have met who understand this journey. She is so lucky to have you. The employees at your restaurant sound wonderful.

I can definitely relate to how the disease is currently manifesting itself. I was at Target tonight with my mom and she was literally on top of me as we walked through the store. She will not let me out of her sight.

Thinking of all whose lives are impacted by this disease.....

We are not alone!

• By Lakegirl2
• Reply 3490715
• October 26, 2012 at 8:21 am
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Welcome - my husband was just diagnosised this last May. He is at stage 5. He is going to be 80 in December. Second marriage so we've only had 20 years together. You are fortunate to be able to bring your wife to work with you. Your staff sounds like very loving and caring people. The one book I read that I found most helpful was "Creating Moments of Joy". Then there is a novel - "I'm Still Alice" which is written from the person who has Alzheimer's point of view and what it feels like. Bringing your wife to work should be a good stimulis for her. My husband loves to go to the antique mall where we have a small booth just to talk to people. My prayers are with you both.

• By m-mman (Inactive)
• Reply 3492989
• October 27, 2012 at 12:32 am
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Welcome Ucrobert,

My wife started her Sx at age 55, Dx at age 57 and is now age 62. Welcome to the club, you current experience and symptoms has been my life for the last 10 months.

Some suggestions: YOU MUST STUDY THE DISEASE AND LEARN ALL THE POSSIBLE SYMPTOMS! Stay ahead of the curve to be ready for what is next. BECAUSE IT IS COMING and cannot be stopped! Her symptoms are normal AD behavior.

She seems to be displaying 'shadowing' behavior. You are her sole compass and lighthouse, without having you in her sight she is as lost as a child in a market. When you are not in her sight and memory she will panic, so she follows you everywhere. YES, this behavior is a pain in the neck to deal with.
Currently my wife shadows and panics and cries and cries for 6-8 hours a day(!) Inconsolable and unstoppable.

I know you feel an obligation to care for her but YOUR challenge AS A HUSBAND, is to learn when enough is enough. ALZHEIMER'S CAN KILL YOU! Not discussed often enough is that many AD caregivers actually die before the AD person they care for.

I am still working 40 hrs a week. Owning a business you must be working even more hours. There will come a time when it is very wrong to bring your wife to work with you. (maybe now?) It will be too confusing and panic inducing for her and really unfair to you, your employees and the success of your business.
Personally I pay for caregivers to stay with her for 6 hours a day so I can work. She is in her home and I am not distracted while worrying about her. You must consider yourself, and your life. What if you lost your business because you were focusing too much on her care and not on your needs? What would that accomplish? BE CAREFUL!

As an FYI you would benefit from exploring the message board and pages at www.thealzheimerspouse.com This website is devoted to people who are dealing with AD in their marriage. (which is very different for AD in a parent) You have lots to learn, it is a long road and we are all studying and preparing for what will happen next.

• By missmyhusband
• Reply 3493603
• October 27, 2012 at 10:01 am
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There is a lot of good advice here. My husband also is very clingy. He is 62 and is in a nursing home. Prior to that he'd wait for me to get home from work and not want to be away from my side until it was time for me to go to work again in the morning then he'd be upset and we were both miserable. You are so lucky to be able to take her to work with you! The stress with being a caretaker is enormous. Everybody says to take care of yourself, but that's almost impossible. Prayers are with you and your wife (and your employees!!! What a blessing for you that they are so kind!).

• By ucrobert
• Reply 3493833 · In reply to 3492989 by m-mman
• October 27, 2012 at 11:35 am
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Thanks everyone for the advice and support. As sad as it sounds to say, it is comforting to know I am not alone in my experiences dealing with a spouse with AD. Although I read and studied a good bit about it, you don't realize the full impact until you are in the middle of it. The doctors to me when she moved into stage 4 that she may stay at that point for 4 or 5 years before declining. so i guess I was not ready for a rapid decline. Ther were so many places to see and things to do with her during those 4 years. My wife was a comptroller for a major school system. She did have enough years in to retire with full benefits. We are blessed to have the insurance etc. of a very good retirement system. Although we could live on that income, I feel I have to work to stay sane. The time may come soon when I can't. We built a new home about 5 years ago and I designed the entire upstairs as a living quarters for a caregiver to help me. Don't need it right now, but I can see it coming soon.

• By gennett55
• Reply 3494133
• October 27, 2012 at 1:58 pm
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My heart goes out to you i took care of my dad for seven years with that illines but he had dementia on top of it, i know you love her but i said i would never do that again unless i had help. That is a twentyfour hour job im talking about i had to bath him dress him change diapers and feed him because he always thought i was trying to poison him, Then he decided that i was my mom and he got mad because i would not act like his wife, it is so sad the last two years of his life he did not know me, my dad to me had died this was just somebody living in his body, I did not realize how tired i was till the day i buried him, when i got home i had nothing to do i could finally rest, i love my dad dearly would i go through that again no not without help. So hang in their but take care of your self, i use to pay friend to sit wiyh my dad so i could get a few hours alone, sending prayers your way,

• By m-mman (Inactive)
• Reply 3494841
• October 27, 2012 at 7:34 pm
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Ucrobert,
Very good that you are studying and reading. It is sooooo necessary. However one thing I have never seen in the books and only learned at the support groups (experience is the best teacher) is that things need to be done "sooner rather than later".

Day care, assistance with care, live in care, placement, etc. You will never begin providing it 'right on time'. It will always seem to begin either too early or too late (and better too early). A big part of acceptance in this disease is for US to accept that the losses are farther along than we might think they are and have the person already engaged in that level of care BEFORE it becomes a crisis. THIS IS NOT EASY TO DO!

As for decline? Remember there is no timetable in this disease. Things come when they come. Each AD person is a little bit different. You may have heard the mantra "If you have seen one person with AD, you have seen ONE person with AD. This is followed by the fact that nobody knows our spouse better than we do. Doctors and other professionals may not notice a decline and testing may not show a decline, but YOU will know when the declines happen. Don't let denial get in your way of recognizing the losses and doing what needs to be done. You have to be ready for them and have the appropriate support in place BEFORE they come. Because if you don't, your stresses will always be multiplied.

• By ucrobert
• Reply 3500740
• October 30, 2012 at 2:12 am
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Don't Know How I Will Handle This. My wife and I have a grandson who is 18 months oold. My wifes daughter from a prebious marraige. but we are very close. The grandson has CP. Over the last 19 months nothing has really connected from his sweet brain.
We love him dearly, But the doctors say he will die in the next few days. We know it is true and it tears our heart out. My wife forgets how serious this disease is. How is she going to react when the baby dies. How do i break it to her. Is the AD going to work against us or will it work in a good way. Another experience in this journey with AD. I have to not break down to keep her in one peace. Any Suggestions?
Thanks Everyone

• By Southernmagnolia (Inactive)
• Reply 3502082
• October 30, 2012 at 3:36 pm
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How sad, don't you just wonder how much more you can handle? I sure do when it all comes at me at the same time. We really and truely did not notice my mother's journey into AD untill our older brother (there were 5 children) had a stroke at age 68. Once that happened she went down hill. After a year and much up hill battle he finally beat the stroke, he was talking and walking and diving and then he was hit with colon cancer and lasted another 6 months. She went way down from that. We really believe his health issues triggered what was already in her brain but it was dorment. Of course thats just our opinion but it sure seemed like that stress caused it with her. She was driving and a baby sitter until this happened and when the demintia set in it was fast! When by brother died we took my mom to the funeral home and to the funeral. She was the same as she had been, no real emotions, thats when we knew for sure AD had set in. The mother we had would have worried herself sick about this and would have been inconsolable.

• By honeynut
• Reply 3502600
• October 30, 2012 at 6:39 pm
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ucrobert,
I am a new member thats a bit confused. First of all I am sorry for you and your wife. You said she is in stage 5, I thought there were only three stages of AD. Mild-moderate and late. So how many stages are there all together?

• By captKirk
• Reply 3502960
• October 30, 2012 at 9:02 pm
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Hello ucrobert,
My wife is also 58 and has "shadowed" me for some time. Listen to m-mman. I cared for my wife for 6 years at home and have continued to work. On August 15 I had a heart attack. Thank God I did not have to have open-heart surgery but now am the owner of 8 stints keeping my heart arteries open. I felt it was time to move her to an assisted living facility. She's been there for a couple of months now and I am recovering well, but she begs to come home. It will do her no good for me to bring her home and for me to go back to the hospital (or die) and she'll lose me and her place in the assisted living. This disease is just so hard, on everyone. Please take care of yourself and get some respite at least. As others have mentioned, stay ahead of the curve. Make sure you have her power of attorney, updated will (for you and her), living wills, etc. I will soon be talking to a geriatric care manager (not soon enough) to help me plan for the future and suggest you also look carefully at your financial future and get advice from people in the know. You'll be in my prayers tonight. God bless.

• By m-mman (Inactive)
• Reply 3503396 · In reply to 3502600 by honeynut
• October 31, 2012 at 12:11 am
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Honeynut,
There exists 7 stages of AD (they can be found here http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_stages_of_alzheimers.asp?gclid=CL7xpK GqqrMCFUWo4AodbyEAjA )

However as you read through them (AND APPLY THEM TO YOUR SITUATION) you will quickly find that they are of little actual help.
The were developed for research and the difference BETWEEN each stage is not distinct and the symptoms are variable.
In fact you will note that every person on the face of the earth is currently at least at Alzheimer's stage 1! (no memory problems and no symptoms detectable by a doctor)

They are really just a guide as not every AD person will develop each symptom at each stage. Some people are very far along and have very severe deficits in some areas but remain very capable in others. The "7stages" do not reflect these differences, so many caregivers and families find it very confusing.

Personally I find the terms; early, moderate and severe to be more accurate and appropriate.
Early- has problems but can still get by and do things
Moderate - Needs help with most activities of daily living Dressing, bathing, etc.
Severe - needs help with most everything - Toileting (consistent incontinence), feeding (cant put food in their mouth) even movement (walking, reaching, grabbing)

Use whatever format you like. The main thing is to understand the deficits that HAVE happened and the deficits THAT ARE COMING so that you can be prepared for them when they do appear.


Ucrobert,
As for how an AD person deals with a death it is as individualized as anything else in this disease. If your wife has forgotten about the child. (seriously if you dont remind her does she really remember?) then she would not understand whether the child was alive or dead. Certainly YOU WOULD, BUT NOT HER.

If however she does remember and discusses the child and asks about it when it is not in the room then she might understand that it has died. BUT you must be prepared that even if she does remember the child and even if she attends the funeral she will likely ask about it again. (where is he? why dont we visit him?) If this happens then it is time for telling fiblets (he is coming by tomorrow, he will be here later)

You want to also be prepared to eventually have your wife ask about people who have died many years ago. (her parents?) As her memory declines they will 'reappear' in her daily memory and existence and she will want to know when she can see them and when they will visit. Like everything else in the disease you have to play it by ear.

• By ucrobert
• Reply 3511258
• November 3, 2012 at 7:43 am
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Our Grandson Passed Away Yesterday
In an earlier post I mentioned that my wife and I had an 18 month old son with CP that was declining and was not expected to live.
Yesterday morning at 11:05 he left his mothers arms and went in to the arms of Jesus. We are sad in one way and rejoicing in another.
How did my wife handle it so far? The day before she went to our daughters house and held the baby for about 6 hours. She can't tell you what day it is, but she is very aware about the grandson and everything about him. Our daughter and her husband (a pastor) had decided to keep him at home until he passed away. There was nothing that a hospital could do for him.
Anyway, my wife had said she wanted to be there when he died. I did not think it was a good idea, because I did not know if it would be a peaceful death or a convulsive death. (Thank God it was a very peaceful death with our daughter holding him). At that time though I had picked up my wife and she was not there. I had prearranged for our daughter to text me when it happened so that I could break the news to my wife before it was on facebook, etc. She did and I sat my wife down and told her. After the initial shock all she wanted to do is get to our daughter. I guess sometimes AD works in our favor as she was not as emotional as I thought she would be. She was strong for our daughter and I was VERY Proud of her. Right now as we prepare for the funeral, she is on a little bit of an emotional roller coaster and I guess I am too. (I am trying my best to hide it, so not to get her upset)
We will see how things work out at the funeral and I will post again.
Thank You all for listening.

• By CB2012 (Inactive)
• Reply 3511392
• November 3, 2012 at 8:52 am
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Ucrobert...your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I am so glad your wife got to hold your grandson the day before he died. Your wife sounds so precious during these difficult days. You and your daughter are working so well together looking out for your wife in spite of your own personal grief.

Thanks for keeping us posted.

• By NJJ
• Reply 3515107
• November 4, 2012 at 4:14 pm
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Ucrobert, my heart goes out to you and your family. We lost a grandson at 3 days old 11 years ago, but the pain is still strong. We were not dealing with my husbands dementia at that time. You are so protecting and kind to think of your wife's needs before your own. Thank God for faith and knowing that your grandson is in the arms of Jesus.

• By honeynut
• Reply 3515588
• November 4, 2012 at 7:29 pm
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Ucrobert,
I am so sorry to hear about your Grandson. My prayers are with you and your family.

• By missmyhusband
• Reply 3515721
• November 4, 2012 at 8:14 pm
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Praying for you and your family. What a difficult time for you!

• By captKirk
• Reply 3516103
• November 4, 2012 at 11:03 pm
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Ucrobert,
We are so sorry for your heartbreak and will remember you in our prayers. May God comfort you with His love.