IS IT TIME TO LOCK HER UP?

I AM HAVING THE WORSE TIME EVER TRYING TO GET MY MOTHER-IN-LAW TO STAND UP TO GET HER CHANGED. THIS IS AN EVERYDAY THING, DAY AND NIGHT AND TONITE SHE BIT MY BREAST AS I TRIED TO GET HER DEAD WEIGHT OFF OF ME.

I NEED SOME SUGGESTIONS BECAUSE I HAVE TRIED ALL KINDS OF WAYS, AND EVERY DAY IT GETS WORSE.

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. SHE IS GETTING UTI AFTER INFECTION. I AM ALREADY PUTTING HER PILLS IN HER FOOD.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO,.

DESPERATELY

NOT SO FINE OF A FAMILY AT ALL

JULIA

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15 replies. Join the discussion

From experience if she is at the stage that you need to change her and she is not helping herself, I would hope that she is on a list or a placement would be something to look at soon. It was this stage, at times I wondered if it was for real or am I being "played". mom could barely and not without moaning, put her arms above her head so I could change her clothes; yet would reach up without a problem if she saw a pudding in an open pantry (???? really????) But I assure you that, things will not get better for you and when it gets this bad, as you were this early morning. Perhaps it's time for her needs and safety that you find a place for her. Is your sister-in-law away from the home now and would your ex be onboard with the decision? Since it's your in-law and not your immediate family; do you have the say in these medical matters?
Do you have an obligation to stay? The care-giving will get a lot worse if she lives out this disease and at stage 6, perhaps an early 7 by now - everyone should be on board. I know you must love her and would find it very hard to leave at this time as a careGIVER is just that; a very caring and loving person. However, sometimes - there comes a time that as hard as it might be; you need to watch your heart and also your financial position.

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I just had this with my sister in law who we brought to live with us from a Nursing Home... and it was a disaster... check with your local Alzheimers Assn to see if they have respite funds for her to go to a place for a week and see how you do .. not her... she will be fine... as soon as I put my sister in law back in a nursing home where she was fed, bathed, looked after.... she was better.... I was better... you will die taking care of her at this stage... medicaid is available if she does not have the funds unless the house you live in is hers.... then you will need to sell it for the money and use that til it runs out.... do you have Power of Attorney .. whoever does can put her in... my sister in law started biting me .. pulling my hair and kicking me in just trying to get her to the bathroom... it was not worth it to be hurt.... to help.... you will be doing the right thing and the HEALTHY thing for you ....

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I totally agree with the two above. You need to get her place in a facility fast, or you may not be around long enough to take care of her.
Your health is just as important as hers. I am sure you have others to care far as well. Please at least get the ball rolling so you can get some much needed relief and she will get the much needed care that she needs.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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Wow thank all of you for your responses. It is true that she needs to go somewhere and I don't have p.o.a. but my ex does. They have property and just yesterday I was at my peak and yelled to both him and his sister to sell everything and stick her somewhere because neither one of them want to deal with her. Its not fair that I care more about what is going on with her and have to tell the sister (57 years old) what to do for her mother and for herself. it's like having a 10 and 2 year old in the house with a 12 year old boy. My nerves are up in smoke. I have asthma and brochitist and the past year i've been in emergency at least 6 times already.

Last night just trying to get her to stand up to change her diaper and go to bed she bit and wouldn't let go of my breast. Now I too have litmits and boundries and I do understand that it's the disease, but I am NOT going to allow anyone to physcially harm me. I had enough of that from men when i was young and I'll be dambed if I allow anyone to hit me.

So now I can show your responses to my ex. and show him that my suspicions are right about selling and putting her away. And you are right, she would be much better taken care of in a place because she isn't getting the needs met here due to her refusal to cooperate.

thank you,

Julia

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Julia, you are absolutely right to stand your ground and insist that the ones with the POA must do something FAST. Your safety is very important.

Get her on several lists immediately. You never know when a bed will become available.

Hire trained people to help in the house until a location becomes available.

Remind the family that if they are unwilling to deal with her, what makes them think that they can stick you with all the caretaking!

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Thank You. It's rediculous. I just got home from taking my daughter to the airport, and found momz still sitting in the walker since 3pm today. it was 3 am when I got here. Both of them sleeping and the daughter sleeps with her in the room. just left her there. Momz is in bed now. I am going to contact alzheimers Assn. and start there as it was suggested to me. I live in san fernando valley. If you know of any place I can contact, please let me know. it is highly appreceiated. you know when I first moved in here i didn't know anything about the disease, but through this site, I have learned a lot and I wanna thank everyone for their support.

finefamily

julia

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If you read my journal on my homepage; there is a part where I also find that mom would not get up and do anything unless guided. The fact that you found her in the same spot after taking your daughter to the airport comes as no surprise to me, it's a progression of the disease; it's not Momz fault, she doesn't know enough at this stage to get up and go for a walk or to get up and go to the bathroom. There are so many decisions that need to be made and will need to be made and if you are the caregiver; yet with no legal rights to make decisions you will have more problems than you are having right now. You could find yourself in poor health due to the stress (my sister's hair fell out, for example, in quarter size clumps from stress) and left out in the rain when the brother and sister start fighting over finances. From what you have said, no one is on the same page or helps you in anyway as this disease is progressing in Momz. Are you getting paid to care for her? If not, you should document all the caregiving you do on a daily basis - you might need this in the future. Does she have a primary physician? Also, if you go to a couple of places and get her on a list and talk to the Social Service Director, usually they are very helpful in advising you what might be available in your area for in-home care until she can get situated in a facility. This doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you, let alone Momz who can't help the behavior; it's the AD. Perhaps it is time to step-back and evaluate the situation you are in. You are young and Momz needs help you might not be able to provide now, let alone when it gets worse and it will.... much worse. Please keep us updated, you can see by the responses that we care about you and the situation you are in and you are in my thoughts. Good Luck!!

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Just my 2 cents worth, if your health starts to be affected, its thier mom and if they will not step up, I would call adult social services and request a social worker to come over and access the situation. Social services will step in and demand care from the family.

When my mom was diagnosed with AD in its early stage she could stay by herself, once the AD progressed when we called Home Health to come, they in turn called adult social services, thats just routine. The social worker makes sure the AD person has plenty of care givers and are not left alone, at least in my mothers case that is what happened. The social worker also drops in for visits. So even though my mom has plenty of case the state still keeps an eye on her just to make sure she is not being neglected by her family.

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Marvelous suggestion Southermagnolia!! Your health and Momz safety is the uttmost right now.

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You have a big heart for taking care of your mother-in-law. I just do not understand your ex and sister in law. Everyone has good suggestions here. I think I would start with Southermagnolia's suggestion, since you do not have a POA. Your health is important right now and you will not be able to take care of anyone if your health fails. Take care and lets us know. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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Although your mother in law is unaware of the care you are providing for her and it's toll on yourself, I believe help for you is very near.
Similar to the others I too did this for my mother, the worse part was when I got pulled in and yelled at her. I was so mad! The final day took the prize home. I ran to the store while my son watched over gramma, not more than seconds my son is calling me. He said it was too much, she's crazy I can't control her and then he said that's it I'm done. My mother had been overly medicated, at times she thought she was a dog, which she did that day. She walked outside on the deck, pulled off her bottoms and crapped. Thank God for the woods so no one had seen her. It was at that breaking point I made some urgent calls, don't delay. Adult protection services will respond quickly based off your experiences and also from the lack of help she's not receiving from her own family. The mothers health care provider will be able to assist finding a place for her, they usually have social workers on staff. Lastly the web site A Place for Mom is a wealth of knowledge. Your mother in law is aware that it is you helping, look in her eyes and smile that will give you both comfort and clarity. Jean

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Oh jeank, how very awful and sad that must have been. I hate this disease that takes away not only your health but your dignity as well. How did your mom fair in a facility?

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THANKS EVERYONE. I HAVE BEEN TRAINING THE 57 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER HOW TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER MOTHER AND THE HOUSE. LADIES, YOU TELL ME, WOULD ANY OF YOU ALLOW ANOTHER WOMAN IN YOUR HOME TO LIVE THAT WON'T GET UP OFF HER BEHIND TO ASSIT IN DAILY HOUSE CHORES? I THINK ANY HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD WOULD PUT A STOP TO IT. WELL EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT MY HOUSE, I AM TAKING CARE OF THINGS HERE. I DO PLAN TO LEAVE THIS FINEFAMILY SCEEN AS SOON AS I GET MY SETTLEMENT FROM WORKERS COMP. AND I AM SURE MOMZ IS GONNA BE OK INSPITE OF HER AD. I AM NOW SELF SCHOOLING ABOUT STAGE 7 OF AD. ON THUR. I HAD SIS. MAKE THE PHONE CALLS TO KAISER, AND GET INFOR ON HOW TO GET MOMZ HELP AND WHERE AND WHAT AND HOWZ. A SOCIAL WORKER IS GOING TO COME THIS WEEK COMING TO GUIDE US.
TODAY I WAS AFRAID BECAUSE MOMZ SEEMS/IS SO OUT OF IT NOW. SHE TOOK A BIG DECLINE. I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT SOME ITEMS I THOUGHT MIGHT BE HELPFUL FOR HER CARE. I LEARNED WITH HOSPICE CARE WHEN THEY WERE HERE FOR THE DAD, HOW TO CHANGE HIS DIAPER IN THE BED. SO I TRIED IMITATING THAT BUT DAD WAS DEAD WEIGHT AND UNCONCIOUS. MOMZ IS RESISTING EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE TOWARD CLEANING HER. SHE HAS A STRONG FEAR OF STANDING WHICH IS MAKING IT DIFFICULT TO CHANGE HER AND WASH HER AND PUT HER TO BED. SHE IS NOW WANTING TO SLEEP MORE AND I REMEMBER THE EXPERIENCE WITH DAD WHEN HE WAS SEPERATING FROM THIS LIFE. I TRIED TO GIVE MOMZ SOME JUICE, AND SHE WOULDNT DRINK. I THOUGHT HER SYSTEM WAS SHUTTING DOWN BECAUSE SHE LOVES TO EAT AND DRINK AND CANDY.
CAN SOMEONE TELL ME ABOUT THE 7TH STAGE. SOMEONE TOLD ME THEY TURN INTO BABIES LAYING IN A FETAL POSITION. IS THAT TRUE? CAUSE THAT'S HOW MOMZ SLEEPS. CAN HOSPICE COME IN FOR MOMZ IN HER PRESENT CONDITION? OR DOES THE DOCTORS RECOMMENDATION COME ONLY WHEN SHE HAS 6 MONTHS TO LIVE?
I THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. i DON'T WANT TO LEAVE MY EX WITH ALL THIS RESPONSIBILITY AND ALONE BECAUSE THERE IS NO ONE ELSE AFTER THEM TWO. THE FAMILY ENDS HERE. NO CHILDREN TO PASS ON TO. ITS VERY SAD, AND EVEN THOUGH MY EX AND I AREN'T A COUPLE ANYMORE, AS A HUMAN AND A FRIEND I FEEL FOR HIM, ESPECIALLY HAVING A MISS PRINCESS ALCOHOLIC THAT THINKS THE WORLD IS HERE TO CARE FOR HER AND HER NEEDS. W R O N G. NOT WITH ME. I WORK TOO HARD DOING ALL A WOMAN SHOULD DO FOR A HOME AND OFFICE WORK TO KEEP GENERAL AFFAIRS IN ORDER AND I RECYCLE FOR CASH. TOO BUSY TO LET AN OLDER WOMAN LEAN ON ME.
THANKS,
JULIA

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A good website for the things that will progress if Momz lives out this terrible disease. I've never heard about turning into babies and laying in the fetal position but I'm not saying it doesn't happen. Mom WOULD sleep all day when under our care, IF she was allowed to. We didn't let it happen during the day because the night-time was the worse time and she would be up all night. Between my sister and I we kept her on a schedule that suited us best and that didn't allow time to sleep during the day.

http://helpguide.org/elder/alzheimers_disease_symptoms_stages.htm (I cut and pasted stage 7 for you below)

Stage 7 – Late or Severe Dementia and Failure to Thrive. In this final stage, speech becomes severely limited, as well as the ability to walk or sit. Total support around the clock is needed for all functions of daily living and care. Duration is impacted by quality of care and average length is 1 to 2.5 years.

As much as we wanted a time-table; we were never given one, it's not possible, it takes everyone in a different way; but I can tell you that were we told by Hospice that help is more available than most people think for AD. We were able to get Hospice involved when blood clots were found through non-evasive measures; it was the same time-frame that she was not able to swallow and I, having POA and medical directive and the legal ability to carry them out, flew up to ensure no IV was inserted. She was not on any medication except 1 aspirin a day, she couldn't tell us if she was in pain as she could not speak, we presumed she must be and allowed it. Having Hospice involved was wonderful, mom was allowed to die without the facility taking her to a hospital and she died in the bed she had slept in. They kept her comfortable by drops of morphine on her lips and tongue.

Mom was in my sister's care but without legal responsibility and that was only due to mom getting everything set while she was in a good state of mind. When this disease took hold of her beyond any of us kids' control (and we each lived in a different state) we didn't change the legality of decision making. However I never made a move without my sister and brother on board; up to and including donating her body to the research and hopefully early detection and perhaps cure of AD. We will get her ashes back within 18 months.

Please take care of yourself 1st and foremost; you are doing the right thing by bringing in Social Services, please keep us informed on how they suggest things proceed. I'm sure they will also be helpful in getting Hospice involved. Bless you!

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Thank You, I will log on and I had no ideal it was 1 year to 2 at stage 7. That makes a difference because i thought once you got to that stage it would be months away. She is not walking. Seems she is afraid to put one foot in front of the other and her speach is toatally wack. Last night she was talking things in one word increments which made no sense. We don't have a wheelchair but are planning to get one. we just have the walker with wheels. The sister fell again last night and her wrist got sprain. When I got back and asked about the dirty dinner dishes etc. she tell me. "i broke my wrist". Well i blew a fuse,and make her wash dishes. She plays this sick person role to the mack and manipulates her brother. not me.drama drama drama queen. i cant wait till april.

julia

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