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ALCOHOLICS

Frostie
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My husband is a Alcoholic he has to drink everyday don't get me wrong he works everyday but he treats like i'm not even here unless he wants to be intiment all other time i'm mentaly abused he says things about me that hurt me things I would rather he hit me because then at least i can fight back but when someone is always saying things to break you down it hurts they are things you can never forget when i try to talk to him about it he gets angery and and puts me down even more i can't even try to have a normal conversation with him without making him mad.I cry all the time because i don't know weather to talk or always sit in silent?

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Pain

12 replies

Peter

Ugh, sorry to hear you're going through this.

My answer to your question is: Neither. Get help. One good place to start is with Al-Anon. Search for Al-Anon groups in your area, and reach out to them for help.

essense

Your problem sounds exactly like my sistuation. I could have wrote that. But anyway there is nothing you can do about him. He will never change unless he wants to. Believe me you would never want him to hit you either. I can tell you why he acts that way, he has no self esteem,he is angry because he can't control it, thats why he has to put you down to make him self feel better, and he wants to take the focus off of him. I finally left my husband because he was getting worse and worse, and he put his hands around my neck.That is something I can not tolerate. So you have to decide if you can live with him the way he is now, because he will never change or I can bet 99% he will never change. Or decide you are worth more than that and maybe make some hard changes. I'm sorry I am so blunt but this is my 2nd husband with a alcohol problem and I know what I know, and I don;t want to give you false hope. At least maybe you can go to counceling and that would help ground you, so you know what you need to do. I wish you the best.

bjwinner

It is a control tactic..he keeps you so down you THINK you can't get up and grab a hold of life!! Wrong!! You are only under his control (silenc treatment or anger) if YOU chose to be. Do not take this type of treatment..tell him either straigthen up or I can and WILL find someone who knows what a precious gift I am! Everyone needs some one but no one needs any certain someone. My second husband told me that. After 6-7 years of abuse from my first husband I had the black eyes, broken ribs and nose, to much to give all the details, and believe me you don't want all the detail of the abuse I went thru. But, today I know what I am worth and what I deserve and I will NOT be treated like I do not matter!! Because I am, just as you are, worth more than words can describe!!! And don,t forget that!!! You are a wonder person...God does not create junk. If he won't get help and straighten up his act find someone who can treat you like the jewel you are. Be HAPPY! There are Angels out there who would love to love an Angel.

Ei

Hi Frostie - I am new to this group with the same old problem that everyone has - living with an alcoholic.
Like you, my husband did work everyday and was very reliable in that area. His drinking was only at night - and it wasn't having much of an impact on us for a while because he toned it down a bit, and I was asleep when he was drinking. In spite of it, we actually had a pretty good life together. Then...
The s**t hit the fan this weekend when my husband was laid off from work on Friday. Now, this is the second time this year he was laid off from this job - earlier in the year he was and then called back. During that time, we realized that we could survive okay with his unemployment and as he will be turning 62 next Jan, he can actually retire at that point - so we knew we would never be without some money. Plus, I work and the health insurance is on my end. So knowing all of this and already having a trial run - don't you think he'd be a little more prepared to handle it? Nope - fell off the deep end.
Like you - he becomes verbally abusive - saying things to me that are not true - and how do you fight back with a drunk? They aren't thinking logically.
He will tell me that I probably want to "run off" with a friend of mine (his wife died a couple of years ago - he lives 3000 miles away and is an old friend, nothing more - my husband knows this) Well, after 3 days of being berated by this behavior - I lost it. I throw everything I could get my hands on at him - as well as dumping a fully loaded dehumidifier containing about 3 gallons of water on top of him.
I do understand what you mean about the verbal abuse - but I don't want to be hit either. I just can't take the drinking anymore - everytime there is a problem, it gets totally out of control and I suffer for it.
I took out a giant trash bag and cleaned out his drawers and told him I have had it and to get out.
Now, this morning in the light of day, he's singing a different tune - including telling me that he's going to rehab. I told him I don't believe him.
Frostie - the time now is to get mad for having to deal with this crap that we haven't brought on. I hear what you are saying - and I know that the worst feeling I've ever had was being "alone" in a marriage. He's physically there - but nothing else. They love their booze and there's no room for us. I am so tired of it all and just want to feel good about myself and my life.
If he wants to join me - fine - but if he wants to continue down this path of self destruction, I'm not going with him. I think all of us who have to deal with this crap have to make a decision and then make a plan. I've HAD IT!

LovingAllie

Hi Frostie, I too am new to this group, however, I have been sober for 13 years and am an active member of alcoholics anonymous and alanon, and absolutely agree that alanon is a wonderful choice, they will present you with tools that will enable you catch your breath. Take good care and give yourself a chance by finding an alanon meeting, not an online meeting, a physical alanon meeting. Will hold you in a sacred safe place. Your worth it frostie.

kardia

Not to be unsympathetic, but go to ALANON.

The alcoholic's disease is a family disease because of the co-dependency. You love the man you married, he is possibly still in there. Co-dependency can literally make you ill physically beyond mentally.

Go to ALANON today.

nanomary

Frostie,
I've been in your shoes and I know what you are talking about and how you feel. Today I am sober 24 years and better yet went to my first Al-Anon meeting 26 years ago. Boy did it change my life!!!!!! I will ever be grateful to the man that suggested that I go.
You cannot change your husband but you can change how you handle the emotional abuse. I am no longer the door mat that I used to be.

PLEASE find an Al-Anon group and go to the meetings.
It is not easy but it is well worth the effort. It can be a new start for you and maybe somewhere along the line your husband will find a new start too.
Hang in there and remember you are not alone.

pantinker

I'm in Al Anon. You are not alone. You need to join as soon as possible. This will give you great comfort and insight on yourself and the alcoholic. It will be a
great help in the rebuilding of yourself as person and to eventually become whole again. Do this for yourself. Al Anon is for you, not the alcholic. Make the first step to a healthier mental you!!!! You are not alone.

pantinker

Ei, please try Al Anon. I'm a first timer there. There's help for you. They will support you, give you information, and help you to understand alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease. Yes, I know. I had a hard time understanding it myself but it really is. Some alcoholics get help others won't but Al Anon teaches you how to heal and lead a normal health happy life with or without your alcoholic. I hope I've helped a little. Sister in pain.

pantinker

Frostie, the reply to I'm in Al Anon was for you but I think my reply to Ei will also help you.

pantinker

LovingAllie, CONGRATULATIONS ON 13 YEARS OF SOBRIETY. You give hope to us struggling with our on loved ones who are alcoholics. Thank You!

winnie2009

dear frostie,

i have been whare you are and im still going threw it. me and my boyfriend were supose to get married last sep i couldnt do it because his drinking and friends were more inmportant. we went to his friends one night after his friends wedding and he was drunk i haden been drinking and wanted to go home he wouldnt let me drive so i started to walk home which was 5miles home but it was only 2miles to our friends house so i started walking there that night as he drove up the road looken for me everytime i seen him i hided in the ditch so he couldnt seen me finelly made it to our friends house went in side and hided and then he showed up i went home with him that night and i wish i never had we started fighting even more at home and he end up calling me names and given me a black i the next day i left him which was a few weeks away form our wedding. he came to my girlfriends said he was sorry so i went back. well a week later we went to his buddies house he promsied if we went he wouldnt drink guess not even a hr of being there he was. his buddies wife told me i need to leave him i told her i couldnt i had just found out i was pregent guess what it didnt help to tell him he didnt care. so i left him which i thought would be for the last time i went and stayed at my dads for 6months. he talked me into going back to him we lived with his dad he did great for the frist month then it got worse again with the verbal abuse. so one day we went to a drs apointment for the baby i went out the back door at the drs and never lloked back i left him siting in the waiting room there by the time he called my phone i was 4hrs away form him he was pisssed. guess what that night he got behind the wheel drunk land him self in jail and is now siting in persion. Let me tell ya that is the only thing that woke him up. he missed our sons birth and has never meet him outr son will be 5months next month he will be a year by the time his dad gets out. i hope you have no kids invald it is so much harder when they are. please open your eyes and dont take it because i felt just like you the mental abuse hurts so much you just want them to hit you instead. be strong stand up for your self i have and my son is soon to have a new step dad with out him i wouldnt of done what i needed to good luck

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