How long must I live?

I often wonder why God would allow people to be in so much pain and discomfort. It seems as if I will never have a day that is free from vomiting, pain, and fatigue. I'm not happy anymore. It seems like nobody can understand what I'm going through. My family is not supportive. They say it's my fault that I have gastroparesis. Why? Because I didn't take care of my diabetes. They can't understand why I didn't take care of myself when I was younger. I can't give them an answer, except that I didn't think anything would happen to me. I am finding myself more and more depressed. I think of death as an answer to my prayers. I'm not afraid to die. I am afraid of living in pain for the rest of my life. I just wish there was something somebody could do to help me. I'm not coping very well. I am trying counseling, but my husband said that we can't afford it. I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I can only pray that God would ease some of the suffering.