Its so hard to keep on going

• By mekmoore
• Posted September 16, 2009 at 3:28 am
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Not that I am a particular fan of this myself... psychiatrists or psychologists might be helpful. I have one of each and they address different things. The psychologist helps me learn 'coping skills'.... basically... Given the situation that I am in (i.e. neuropathic pain on my entire right side/arm/leg, severe gastroparesis, pseudo-obstruction of small intestine, celiac sprue and a plethora of other food allergies... just to name a few things) I am supposed to work on ways to help deal with these a little bit better.

My psychiatrist... he does some different things, but he works on what affect all of this is having on me, my family and my relationships... more or less.

I am not a tremendous fan of being stereotyped into a 'head-case', and at first many docs wanted to have me evaluated for 'somatoform disorder'... real pain, unconsciously manifested and nothing physically wrong.

With all of that being said, a benefit to going to one or both of them, is being able to communicate with someone that is not judgmental.

Would I have gotten to where I am now without seeing anyone... eventually. It doesn't matter who you are, anyone dealing with problems such as these are going to have some rough days.

I feel that working on ways to cope with the chronic pain and GI issues is beneficial. I also see the benefit of my psychiatrist b/c he actually has the medical knowledge to help find a medication that will help control mood. Now what I mean by control mood is this.... If you are having a great day one day and are just absolutely in the sky b/c things are so great, and then the next day you have a very painful day, or get more bad news... etc.... These meds should help make these low points not impact you so devastatingly, but in a way that... YES, today sucks... but I am going to do the best I can to get through it, and hope tomorrow is better.

My psychiatrist also prescribed a med for severe irritability. I told him that I was escalating extremely quickly at the littlest things my kids or husband would do that upset me. My PCP just upped my antidepressant. The psychiatrist said this would not address this particular issue and prescribed a different one. Again, it wasn't meant to cloud my thinking or anything, it just has some way of helping me not escalate very quickly.

I can't say that I would recommend going or not, but it is just something to consider. For me, it was a very personal decision b/c I just had so many people telling me that since they couldn't find what the problem was, it was likely either created or exacerbated subconsciously. It felt very discrediting to everything that I had gone through and all the pain I have/had endured.

However, through these mental people or not... at least for me, there comes a time when I stopped expecting to be 'fixed' or cured (at least for now, what can be done is or has been tried or done). At various points during the past 3.5 years, I have come to certain realities that fixing me might not be as important as finding ways to help me manage. If that is medications, mental health support, exercise, hobby, whatever.... If I can work towards finding ways to enhance my quality of life, and ensure that I am safe to be with my kids and not fall asleep driving b/c of being malnourished for so long, etc... then I will take the management road any day....

Just FYI, I have tried cymbalta, lexipro, effexor xr, pristiq, and now celexa. It wasn't until effexor xr that I actually started to realize what an antidepressant was REALLY intended for. Prior to that, I was just taking the pills and still had the emotional extremes.

For the irritability, I am on 7.5 mg of BuSpar twice daily.

Trust me, if you aren't a believer or supporter of investigating mental health in connection to dealing with chronic pain issues; you would not be alone in this. I grew up in a family that unless you were bleeding or had something broken, you just got up and kept pushing through. This is somewhat outside of my comfort zone at times... but there are some benefits.

Don't know if I actually provided anything useful, but hopefully some things to consider.

Megan

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• By Regi
• Posted September 16, 2009 at 9:56 am
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Hi Beachbum16,

I think your idea about getting some exercise is a good one. Especially any arobic exercise you are able to do.

I've taken up two new hobbies to get my head on something else. I'm learning to crochet blocks so I can donate them to a charity who will make them into afghans for homeless. I'm also going to start making candles out of sheets of beeswax I bought online. It's simple and not messy.

Of course talking to folks here is always good. They are so understanding when even our loved ones don't get what is going on with us.

I pray you'll be able to find a way to deal with this. Take care! Regi

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• By SueBee
• Posted September 16, 2009 at 11:50 am
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Hi Beachbum16,
It's completely normal to feel down about this illness sometimes. Watching your entire life change is not easy. So don't beat yourself up too much. If you find that you can't pull yourself out of it, though, do get some help. Working out on a regular basis and doing some yoga is a great idea. Go for it! Meditation can help (or some form of it). Check out MPhotographer's recent posting on this subject. Put some music on in the house. It will change your mood and lift your spirits! Getting outside for a daily excursion - even if it's just for 5 minutes - helps. Take a drive or go for a walk in a beautiful place. Just being outside in nature helps. Maybe take a class or take up a hobby. See if your town offers adult education classes. Maybe volunteer your time somewhere. These are a few things that I'm trying. Hope it helps!
Take care,
Susan

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• By busyteacher
• Posted September 16, 2009 at 7:16 pm
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I see a therapist to help me maintain perspective. I also went through a long period of grieving what my life "would have been", but now try to find cognitive contentment in what is, even if it's something seemingly insignificant. My emotions do not always follow my thoughts, but I know how low I can fall. So, if my emotions will not cooperate with my wishes, I keep my mind busy, even if I am not up to everyday tasks. Sometimes that means I hide in books for days at a time, stay in my pajamas, and hide from the world. Usually, it means that I have to stick to a rigorous schedule, especially during summer vacation, and keep myself intellectually busy.
It's a difficult battle, isn't it?

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• By Gailete
• Posted September 16, 2009 at 11:42 pm
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When I first got sick I was very down, I wasn't able to work, was sleepy but never sleeping, was in constant pain with no relief etc. This was years before the GP diagnosis! Anyhow one of the things that really helped me was watching the Shawshank Redemption on DVD. In there is a line "get to get busy living or get busy dying". I knew I had a choice to make. I choose to get busy living myself.

I started a small on line business selling books (and now sewing patterns) on line. Every morning I had a reason to haul myself out of bed to see if anything had sold because I was determined not to let how I felt that day interfer with giving 100% positive customer service! It became my occupational therapy, and my little business grew! It is still my occupational therapy as I am a long way from ever being well enough to go back to work full time, but I feel like I'm contributing to the family instead of just sucking it dry.

I also keep learning to depend on God, knowing He has a plan for my life even though I don't really know what it is, but at times I think I'm going through all of what I'm going through, to be an encouragement to others having a rough time. I have found some great friends on the internet and in my town, that I was thrilled to find that I can still help.

I guess it comes down to this. It doesn't matter how lousy we may feel and how bad our day is, someone out there is worse off and we need to lend a hand or an ear or whatever we can do to minister to others. I feel so much better about my own situation when I can focus on helping others.

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• By GinaB
• Posted September 17, 2009 at 12:41 am
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Dear Beachbum, I hope this post finds you feeling better, if not, then go for a long walk, if you're able. Exercise even a little brings out endorphins, watch comedy tv, find something to laugh about. It's all in you and up to you, you choose what you will do. You said " I never want to go back to that dark place" Then I agree with you ! You will never go there again, I bind that spirit of fear in the name of the most high Jesus. get out of the house, read, rent a comedy movie, go watch children play, they will show you real life, they love, fight,play in this moment. This is what you need, to see the human condition. Yes, we are flawed but we are so deserving of all the good that God and the universe offers us all you have to do is take action. One step, one kind word to a stranger, one smile, go on now and be you. You are awesome, you just haven't found out about it yet. You will find someone to show or reflect that, even though you think you don't deserve it ! You do, you are worthy of Love, peace, & joy! Just take one step and someone will meet you there. Sending you a BIG HUG : )) Gina

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• By NancyL
• Posted September 17, 2009 at 9:15 am
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Dear Beachbum,
I went through a severe depression for about 3 years starting 6 1/2 years ago. I kept wishing that I would be the next person to die and that God would take me instead of someone else who wanted to live. I finally went to a counselor. After talking to her for about an hour, she told me that she believed I needed to be on some medication to help me return to the naturally happy person I had been. I was referred to a phychiatrist who chatted with me for about 20 minutes before describing Zoloft.
I had no side affects from Zoloft at all. It would seem to be inert except I stopped constantly wishing I would die and my depression lifted. I stayed on it for about 6 months. Then I went off it for awhile and back on it a few times since when I felt the heavy weight of depression creeping back into my life. It helped me through a very dark time of extreme loss. It has been 2-3 years now since I have used it. Occasionally I have gone through a couple of very sad weeks and would think about going back on it. But the mood seemed to lift before I got around to making an appointment to get a RX. Yoga greatly helped me get to a better frame of mind along with going back to school and learning something new (excellant for focussing your mind elsewhere). Just taking a walk will increase your sense of peace and well being a little. I also love books for giving my mind a vacation from reality for a little while. Finding this site to get support from along with another site for people grieving has made a world of difference in my life. I am trying to get into volunteering to give my life purpose. I am a little scared of not feeling well after I make a commitment to do something.
You made a huge step by talking about what you are going through. Focus on just today or just this afternoon and keep putting one foot in front of the other. And write us for encouragement when you need it. We are here for you.
Nancy

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• By mcmarie
• Posted September 17, 2009 at 9:40 am
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Hi Beachbum,

I hope this post finds you feeling better.

I've been trying for the last three weeks to get in for a motility test at Cedars. And with this test I can't take my meds for at least 5 days before. I have every other Friday off and so I asked to schedule the installation of the unit into my stomach on a Thursday before my friday off. Because I don't want to loose money at work. "ok! No problem, we can do that for you. This thursday..." they call me with this on a monday. So I don't take my meds....then they call and postpone it to the next week when I don't have the Friday off.....I call...they reschedule....and the the thursday comes and goes....no answer, no phone call....one more week without my meds...suffering. I get another call and they do the same thing...schedule it on a day I can't leave the prison of my office......I call and leave a nasty message to them. I had hit my limit of being pushed around by doctors, I had finally had enough of their lies and crap. And then have a breakdown in the middle of a Trader Joe's grocery store. My boyfriend consoling me trying to get me to stop. WTF? Is all I can ask.
Don't you ever blame yourself or feel like you are failing because you can't understand why you are sad. Anyone dealing with a chronic illness WILL have bad days. When we have to deal not only with feeling like crap, but we have to be told we're crazy by doctors, or faking it, or we are seeking attention.....or they just don't care..it can make anyone want to shut down. I get up every morning telling myself just what you do....I'm going to be positive, at least I'm alive, it could be worse....and I get to about 1:00pm and I want to scream at the top of my lungs....but I'm too worn out to do it. I feel the tears welling up inside my eyes and I just want to hide.
Depression is a nasty beast. It has the ability to consume us, ruin us, hurt us....it's horrible.
Exercise is wonderful, gaining perspective is even better. The previous posters are all correct...and I'm so glad they have been able to cope. Number one, this site has helped me. Reading everyone's posts has made a huge impact. To know that you aren't going on this journey alone is a huge help. And getting advice, reading what others are doing for their symptoms and reading some of the funny posts make this stupid disease easier to "digest".
I say, if you feel comfortable talking to a licensed therapist or psych doctor, then it might be worth your while. They can give a perspective you may have never even thought of, or just sit and listen to you when no one else has the time to.
Taking one day at a time is important, but giving yourself time is also equally important. I know in our hectic lives, it's often hard to find those moments to breathe and reflect....but they are important. I wake up an hour earlier.....lay in bed and stretch and then do 20-30 minutes of stretching on one of those exercise balls. When I am done, I feel a great deal of weight has lifted from my shoulders.

I write to you today with a very heavy heart.....I recently was in a head on collision. So, on top of the gastro issues, I've been having to deal with rehabilitation of my entire body. I hate my job, and most likely our division will shut down within the next year, dealing with debt like the rest of America...it's like a gajillion layered poop sandwich.
but you know the odd thing is....the accident in a way got me really to thinking about life. It could have been worse, and I could have not survived the crash. Since then, I have taken a little time to think and reflect on the positives of my life and how I can maximize them.
It's a struggle, Beachbum....and not an easy one.
We are all here for you, just a post away.
I think you are going to be great, and you will find your way to cope. I'm close to the beach.....and that's where I find my inner peace. The ocean takes away all the negative and infuses you with positive. Taking a moment in the sun to reflect and just breathe can make all the difference.

Big, big hugs!

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• By prayer
• Posted September 17, 2009 at 5:24 pm
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Hi there! I was diagnosed with depression 24 years ago. I take prozak daily and it works for me. It is not a magic pill though. When I am in pain no pill, no money, no nothing will make me feel better. As best as you can do a little for yourself each day. Keep working on acceptance and ask God to give you the strength you need to get thru each day. It is really shitty that some doctors have no empathy and think we are nutsy. I would like to see one of them handle a day like ours and they would be nutsy too. I have to say gut pain is the absolute worst. If you have a broken arm you can just not move it. But with our guts they move all the time and of course we have to have nourishment. On this site you will find many good suggestions. I have and it has helped me.
Also getting emotional support is so helpful. It helps with the isolation and low self worth we can sometimes have. Please take care and I hope you improve each day. I heard that a quitter never wins and a winner never quits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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• By GinaB
• Posted September 29, 2009 at 2:13 am
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Hi Beachbum, so glad to get your acceptance as a friend. How are you doing now? I have battled depression and anger for years when I became disabled. When I could no longer work, my identity dissolved, I was awash in self pity and dispair, combined with illness, believe me I do understandand know depression but now I know something else and I am happy. I will continue to pray for you, and hope you try to network with the good people in this forum, they are wonderful. Somehow, I know you are too! Sending you a BIG HUG Gina : - )) ><((((*>

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• By tlranger
• Posted September 29, 2009 at 1:39 pm
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living with depr. is ___! grandma was!!! mom was!! after i died, one doc thought maybe i might be??? after a 5 question oral test and a "i quess not" but we'll but u on a leveler anyway. found i needed the highs more than ever, i may be manic, i went from here in ks to southern cal and learned to surf! cardio docs unhappy, defib unhappy, primary care doc unhappy -- turns out i may be only one that can be happy!! peace look for a smile from someone close - im always surprised how thinking of them helps

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• By Clouds
• Posted October 25, 2009 at 1:54 pm
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Helping others has been my key to survival during a tough adult life after one of those storybook childhoods ... "count your blessings" that's what my Daddy taught.
10 years ago, working as a hospice nurse I fell on icy steps, fractured a veterbra, meningitis, and chronic rare spinal disease - disability. Every role in my life changed - hard for others to understand. But years later, writing one novel and turning my nursing on myself made me so much better. Life was not agony .. then my husband - after having an affair - stole the investment property bought with my settlement. Last Dec. he actually locked me out of my home and while I paid the bills, no one could help me find justice. The stress took my down physically, fell in Feb. and was on crutches awhile. Then in April my HEALTHY 86 yo Daddy fell. I cannot begin to describe how hard my siblings and fought for them to bring him through that - such hell. And he got better, and then in Sept he fell and was gone in just a few days. He has always been my hero and my rock - it just isn't real ... but I keep showing up for court dates (6 have now been put off) and I have the house and a ton of my ex's debt while he has nine investment properties that I bought (and a cute listing on match.com that says "I'll catch you when you fall.")
This week I find out that a dear friend of 41 years - the one who has kept me together - may have cancer.

I know have four healthy children, two precious grandchildren ... but the hurts of the past year are just killing me.

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• By my4heathens
• Posted October 25, 2009 at 5:12 pm
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Depression runs in my family, and i have a mild form of it. To keep from getting down, I have lots of hobbies to keep me busy. I knitt, crochet, quilt, cross-stitch, and read (lots of reading). I have several friends that are my sounding baord as well when things get me down or i am just in over my head, it helps, and most importantly for me.....it's free ;) I can't afford counseling, though with everything going on I propbably should have someone. So I just keep very busy, school full time, work full time, take care of mom, and hobbies. Dear god how am I still sane;)

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• By GeorgiaCath
• Posted October 26, 2009 at 8:10 am
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Gina, LOVE YOUR ADVICE! Back in 1964, Norman Cousins wrote a book called Anatomy of an Illness, explaining how he overcame cancer by releasing those helpful endorphines. He watched funny programs at least 2 hrs a day, and found that for every 2 hrs he watched he could take the edge off his pain for so many minutes (I think it was 45 min?). Check out that book. He watched old Lucy shows, etc., anything that would make him laugh.

cath

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• By Gailete
• Posted October 27, 2009 at 9:33 am
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I have just gone and am climbing out slowly, a month's worth of depression where it seemed all I was doing was crying. My advice. Double check your meds. I had started Reglan for the GP and within a month I was a wreck. It wasn't till reading here that I realized that reglan can cause severe depression (so can other meds). I'm off it now and trying to climb out of the well but it is rough. It is amazing what meds can do to you without knowing it is them.

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