I sit here thinking that not only the mets are painful and scary, but the way I think lately is not helping the situation. I find myself having MANY internal conflicts.

I can't keep working like this. I'm worn out.
I have to work because SSD won't be enough for me to live on. Plus it keeps me from thinking about cancer. I do like working. No I don't, it's too stressful.

I should take what little money I have and take some vacations.....Might not be able to do it for long. It's hard enough now.
No big vacation. I could live 15 years and then where will I be financially?

Maybe I should take more FML. No, I might get fired.

Being divorced, I don't have anyone living with me if I needed help. Scary.
I do have good friends and family, but when the time comes, that I can't be alone, what will I do?
Every one says they will be there for me, but what does that mean? They can't quit there jobs or leave their kids.

I don't express these thoughts to people because it brings my fears to the surface. I'm crying. Maybe I just needed to put these thoughts in writing. Take these thoughts out from under my rug.

Tomorrow will be a new day.......Thank God.................

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