Crying in the recliner

So another whole level of the crappiness of this Stage IV diagnosis just hit me today. Maybe my brain is just processing this bit by bit, but what happened is that I visited the naturopath today hoping for some optimism, but I found none.

My main questions these days are "how long do I have to be on this cruddy chemo? Am I going to have to be on chem for the rest of my life?" The naturopath and the oncologist this week both said, "Oh, you'll probably get a break. Maybe 6 months to a year and then you'll need another chemo."

That just is completely crappy and I haven't been able to stop my sniveling. What I'd like to happen is for this stuff to go away for years and years and not to have to poison myself to the point that I can't participate in normal life.

One of my great concerns is financial. Right now my husband is unemployed so my job provides the main salary and benefits. I'm fortunate enough to work in a place where people can donate sick leave to my -- so I'm on full pay through the end of March 2010. They want me back and are holding my job, but how long they'll do that after March, I don't know.

I could take a disability retirement now (age 50), I suppose. That means a huge salary cut, though, and we're barely surviving as it is, especially with all the lovely extra financial burden of this cancer. Plus, if I become labeled as "disabled" this young, where does that leave me if I do have a bout of health at one point. Say, for example, I write a book that sells. Would I get in trouble since I'm a professional writer at work and, obviously, I'm able to write in some capacity so I'd better pay back all that disability income....

I have a 15-year-old son and I don't want to be "sick mom" forever.

So, I'm thinking I need to take control of this somehow. As a start, I'm going to commit to three more months of chemo. Right now my disease is "stable." After 3 months I'm going to see what happens with another scan. Depending on that, I'll make my next decision -- off chemo or continue for a while. I won't do this forever. I will consider surgery for my current lesions and then maybe some sort of maintenance -- maybe Avastin and Zometa, but not the Abraxane. The naturopath also recommends IV Vitamin C, and I might consider that.

Maybe I'm not being all that rational at the moment. Anyway, just venting. If I vent to my friends and family they just say "think positive" and I just want to punch them -- figuratively speaking.

Thanks for letting me vent!