PLEASE help me, my mother is on her death bed and has lost hope :(

Hello, I'm Brendajean's 17 year old daughter, and I write to you for advice in saving her life (I would be grateful for just a few more weeks) as she is currently pumped full of oxycontin and sometimes semi-conscious (when she's not asleep) in the hospital. She has stage IV bc with mets to her liver and bones, as well as severe ascities (spelling?) in her abdomen caused by the liver mets. She has done mainly conventional therapies which have kept her alive since her first grim diagnosis in 2001. She went into the hospital 2 days ago to have a small surgery to install a denver shunt in her abdomen as a permanent internal drain for her ascities. Today was the first time I visited her, and she painfully mumbled to me that she wanted to die and was upset she was still alive in such a horrific state. Our only hope now is the Tamoxifen that she's been on for about a week. Will this do anything? The doctors might tap the fluid to relieve the pressure. She's told me that if she didn't have all the fluid putting pressure on her organs (mainly her lungs) she would feel so much better. The problem is, all of the doctor's just believe she wants to die and are pretty much just giving her the tamoxifen to settle my family into believing they're doing something. I'm thinking maybe a vitamin C drip? Or would radiation help her at this point? I'm so desperate to save my mother, just to give her some more time so I can tell her I love her. So PLEASE help me with any advice or treatments you know of. Thank you.

By cindyrae19
Posted July 5, 2009 at 9:56 am
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Dearest Daughter,

Your courage and love for your mother shone through each and every word that you wrote. My heart is heavy with sadness for you and your family and for all of us here at Inspire, as we have truly lost a sister. Know that you and your family are in our prayers and we will always be here for you if you ever need to talk to anyone.

I know your mom is so proud of you and will be watching over you every step of the way .... having two daughters of my own I know you are her greatest gift and joy in life.

All my love,
Cindy

By mom2acat
Posted July 3, 2009 at 7:03 pm
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((((HUGS))))
Your mom was indeed a remarkable woman, and you are quite a remarkable daughter, I could sense that from what you have written here. My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family.

By Beachbabe
Posted July 3, 2009 at 11:27 am
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P.S. I also have a 13 year old son, so I know how hard it probably is for you to be feeling so much pain and trying to help your 'baby' brother get through this as well. See that, I knew what you were feeling before you even posted it. Hospice will be able to help him sort through all of his feelings as well. In our society unfortunately boys are taught at a young age to keep all of their emotions inside, so he may need some professional prodding to help him to grieve. Hang in there, you will make it through this rough time of your life, I promise.

By Beachbabe
Posted July 3, 2009 at 11:24 am
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My Love, I am so sorry for your loss...but you are wrong in thinking we never met your mother...she was a part of us just as surely as if we had spent every day sitting and having tea with her. I am in awe that you even had the strength to get back online and let us know, you my friend will go far in life.

Your mother is at peace, out of pain and living a glorious life in the hereafter. But she will never, ever leave your side. And she's given you all of us...more mothers than anyone could ever, ever wish for. So, please keep in touch with us when you can, because we all love you as well.

Please contact Hospice as I know from personal experience they have people who can help you work through your grief (which has to be overwhelming).

I am so very sorry and grieve your mother's loss with you and your family. She will forever be in my heart and prayers, as will you.

Big hugs~
Colleen (Devon's mother!)

By Deanie
Posted July 3, 2009 at 9:26 am
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Dear Child, your posts have been the hardest to process. Your love for your mother and your courage are so evident. Both had to provide Brendajean some measure of comfort. Worrying about those we love is an added burden to the disease. You have the legacy of a beautiful and strong woman. My prayer for you is that at those times when it hurts the most, you remember that you honor all she endured by being happy and wallowing in wonderful memories.

You are at a delicate age...on the verge of womanhood. Just try to be the woman your mother would have you be.

By lynnwv
Posted July 3, 2009 at 8:57 am
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Blessing to you, sweet, beautiful, lovely, daughter and your family. My eyes are wet and my heart is sad, but I know you will hold on to those wonderful memories and your Mom will strengthen you every day. You are an amazing legacy for her.

Praying for you,
Lynn

By chloemom
Posted July 3, 2009 at 7:39 am
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Dear Daughter,
What a beautiful tribute you've made to your mom. I hope you, your brother and father find comfort in the poems that Heather and Jojobeans posted as well as in the memories of your mom. When my father was dying I thought knowing and spending as much time as possible with him would make a difference ... I learned that nothing eases the pain and sense of loss but those beautiful memories make it more bearable.

My thoughts are with you, your family, and with
Brendajean.
In peace,
Lorri

By jojobeans
Posted July 2, 2009 at 11:10 pm
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Brenda's Daughter and family... I am so sorry for your lost... I lost my dad at 18 to heart issues and my mom to breast cancer when I was 35. It isn't easy, but know she is at peace and loved you... I would like to share a poem that has helped me and I hope it helps you during this time and for years to come.

I am standing by the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch
until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!
Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
'There she goes! ' ,
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
'Here she comes!'

By blanche149
Posted July 2, 2009 at 1:26 pm
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Thank you Sweet Daughter, for letting us know about your mother's new journey. How wonderful that you were all able to be there to send her off with love. You are a strong and remarkable woman, yourself.
My sympathy and prayers are with you and your family.
Blanche

By nancyc
Posted July 2, 2009 at 11:57 am
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Having watched my father die, I know that in time, you'll feel gratitude that you were able to be there when your mother made her transition. It's painful, and I'm imagining that you felt helpless, and that it was coming too soon, but cancer doesn't work on OUR time line.
After my father died, I felt a sense of closure. Although my fathers' death came quickly, and we were expecting him to be MedEvac'd to be evaluated for a second liver transplant, my siblings and I were all able to manage to get to the hospital in time. My mother and my siblings and I were able to be with him all through the night, until he died as the sun rose. It was surreal, but for me, it was a precious time, and I felt blessed to have been able to hold his hand, tell him that I loved him, and when he seemed to be struggling, let him know that it was all right for him to go, and that we'd be fine.
Your mother went before you were ready for her to, but it was time. I hope that your having been with her will act as solace for you and your family, too.

By margaret27217
Posted July 2, 2009 at 9:26 am
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My Precious,

Your mom 'knew'. I know it's hard to understand that, but people just seem to know when it's time. You are brave and strong. It's evident in the tone of your writing. I'll bet you are your mom's greatest accomplishment and I am confident you will live up tto that. My prayers for blessings, comfort, and peace are with you and your family. Get some help with your grieving, darling. Hospice is probably a good place to start. Know that all of us hear would love to continue to hear from you. You are loved!

By Groovygirlcool
Posted July 1, 2009 at 8:25 pm
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Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.
And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.
There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something --
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
or helped in some special way.
Let me live in your heart
as well as in your mind.
You can love me most
by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,
by embracing them and living in their love.
Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,
give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown
........................................................................... .............

My thoughts, love and prayers are with you Sweet Daughter, you will have ALL your darling mother's strength and determination, and you WILL do very well, Brendajean will be so proud of you, xxxHeather

By brendajean
Posted July 1, 2009 at 7:02 pm
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Hello to all,
It's Brendajean's daughter here again. I want to thank you so much for all of your support in my (and my mom's and family's) time of need. Unfortunately, my strong fighter of a mother passed away peacefully this morning with her family by her side. I can only find comfort in knowing she is not longer in pain and not suffering; she hated this disease so much, as it ravaged her body making it difficult, too difficult, to live on any longer. She is in a better place now, and I feel that if I have at least 1/4 of my mother's strength and determination, then I am doing quite well. I am sorry you all couldn't meet my mother, as she was the most remarkable woman I have ever known. She will be truly missed and forever remembered.

By jaf
Posted July 1, 2009 at 4:11 pm
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You are so young to be going through all of this. But I know your Mom is grateful for having you there with her every step of the way. It is so hard to let go . But your Mom will be forever in your memories and just grow and be the kind of daughter she would love to see grow up. You, your Mom and family will be in our prayers. Big hugs to you and hang in there.

By ious1Tjed6247
Posted July 1, 2009 at 1:47 pm
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Dear Angel,

Yes oxycontin keeps you out of some of the pain.
The Denver Shunt drains the pleural fluid ascities to keep you from feeling any shortness of breath and you are definately more comfortable. This is the one thing I can attest to. Comfort is the operative word here.

Be sure to speak with her doctor's that are on board and also family support is critical for both of you!
It's quite normal to feel like "dying" when you are in Pain. Get that under control first and then take the next steps.

You are an angel of a daughter and I commend and uphold your emotional plea. You have a site here for all the support you need.

(((((Hugs))))) and Abundant Blessings!

By Daughter2Survivor
Posted July 1, 2009 at 1:21 pm
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Hi Brendajean,
I too am the daughter of a Mom with Breast Cancer. Mets to many places incl: the liver.
My Mother has said those dreaded words as well, "I just want to die". I know how hard this is to hear. It is a tough balancing act between keeping her happy (not depressed), comfortable (not in pain) and Motivated (to live). The best thing I think you/we can do is "listen". Never discount how she is feeing, but do your best to remind her of all the reasons there is to fight to live.

Just don't push... listen, be gentle and if you find her sentiment to go is consistent - then it will be your job to make sure she knows that you are not selfish and you fully support her desires and it is OK with you. Cherish the good memories - talk about them often. Sometimes that alone can change the outlook of my Mom even if she is in pain. Just LISTEN.

I'll keep you in my thoughts...

Hugs, Judy

By blanche149
Posted July 1, 2009 at 11:44 am
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Good Morning, Sweetheart
I hope you and your Mom are both feeling better this morning.
Your absolute love for your Mom is so beautiful to witness. As a mother with a wonderful daughter like you, I can affirm that your mother is so very grateful to have your love and your caring concern.
From what I understand, tamoxifen has worked very well for many women and hopefully it can help your Mom.
In the meantime, the advice you've already received from others on this discussion is very wise: seek support for yourself with someone you trust; look into hospice care for your mother to help all of you deal with this painful time; and most of all, realize that some of this journey that your mother is on is out of your hands - trust that God will give you and your family the time you need.
Finally, your mother already has outlived the time that her doctors gave her. She's a strong woman. She may be down now but, God willing, she might surprise you all and bounce back from pain - ready to continue the fight.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Blanche

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