PLEASE help me, my mother is on her death bed and has lost hope :(

Hello, I'm Brendajean's 17 year old daughter, and I write to you for advice in saving her life (I would be grateful for just a few more weeks) as she is currently pumped full of oxycontin and sometimes semi-conscious (when she's not asleep) in the hospital. She has stage IV bc with mets to her liver and bones, as well as severe ascities (spelling?) in her abdomen caused by the liver mets. She has done mainly conventional therapies which have kept her alive since her first grim diagnosis in 2001. She went into the hospital 2 days ago to have a small surgery to install a denver shunt in her abdomen as a permanent internal drain for her ascities. Today was the first time I visited her, and she painfully mumbled to me that she wanted to die and was upset she was still alive in such a horrific state. Our only hope now is the Tamoxifen that she's been on for about a week. Will this do anything? The doctors might tap the fluid to relieve the pressure. She's told me that if she didn't have all the fluid putting pressure on her organs (mainly her lungs) she would feel so much better. The problem is, all of the doctor's just believe she wants to die and are pretty much just giving her the tamoxifen to settle my family into believing they're doing something. I'm thinking maybe a vitamin C drip? Or would radiation help her at this point? I'm so desperate to save my mother, just to give her some more time so I can tell her I love her. So PLEASE help me with any advice or treatments you know of. Thank you.

By brendajean
Posted June 30, 2009 at 8:03 pm
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when I said conventional, I meant natural and unconventional (Vit. C drips supplements, etc). the tomaxifen is pretty much the only conventional thing shes done, and thats because she thinks she has nothing left to do.

By ReneP
Posted June 30, 2009 at 11:37 pm
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hello
my son is 17 and i know he would feel the same way in your shoes! this disease is cruel and i am sorry you and your family are having to go through this

i do know other gals who have had their ascities tapped and have felt better for a while. the fluid refills sometimes quickly sometimes not. i know from your mom's posts here she has been dealing with this along time. i hope a shunt helps in keep the area drained.

i am not er+pr+ so i don't have the information about tamoxifen.

i do know of several gals who have received hospice services. The pain relief and pallative care they received helped them to have more quality time with their family.

please know we are here to support you, your mom and your family.

lovingly,
Rene

By BethA
Posted July 1, 2009 at 7:28 am
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You are a good daughter, your mom already knows that. You have walked this journey with her and already are everything she's ever dreamed of or wanted in a daughter. Just tell her you love her and it's ok , you will support her and love her through this journey too.

I too have cancer in the bones and liver. Also have had my daughter in the emergency room with me where the pain was so uncontrollable that I just wanted to go. That is a pain that all I wanted to do was stop and it and asked my daughter to please be ok, to not let the cancer take her away too, to not forget all the good we had together. She finally promised she'd live a good and happy life.
I rallied and came home, the pain got under control again...my only message here to you is...your mom knows you love her, just be with her during this journey, a journey that is out of all of your hands...and one that all your mom wants to know is that you will be happy when her pain is gone, that you will always remember every laugh, every hug and your better for having her as your mom. That's all I want of my own kids...I am sure your mom just needs to know that so she can face this knowing the cancer won't take away all that really matters...your memories of all the good in her....smile at those memories and just BE with her.

By chloemom
Posted July 1, 2009 at 7:29 am
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I too am so sorry to hear that Brendajean, you and your family have to go through this. As Rene said, hospice and draining the ascites fluid are the two supports I can think of. I hope the shunt is working now and helps keep the area drained as it sounds like that is what your mom finds most difficult/painful right now. If the shunt isn't working yet perhaps the doctors can do a drainage procedure that will bring your mom instant relief.

I don't have any info on how Tamoxifen works either. I just hope it too brings your mom relief quickly.

When my father had lung cancer he found the pressure of fluid build up unbearable and experienced
relief from both draining the fluid periodically and the support of Hospice. For him Hospice not only provided pain relief and pallative care but also meant that he maintained control over all of his decisions and that the family supported him. It allowed him to relax and not worry. I know from your mom's posts here that this was very important to her as well. Perhaps Hospice will bring your Mom and family this kind of peace too.

To reiterate what Rene has said, please know that we are here to support you, your mom and family.
In peace,
Lorri

By lynnwv
Posted July 1, 2009 at 7:39 am
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I am so sorry Brendajean is in so much pain. I am also so sorry that you are having to deal with your own pain. I know that you beside her is the greatest gift you can give her right now.

I don't have any information for you, I'm sorry, but I just wanted to show my support to you and let you know you are doing the right thing just by being with her.

By Beachbabe
Posted July 1, 2009 at 8:14 am
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Hello Sweet Pea~

I have a 17 year old daughter and I can feel how much you must love your mother and are willing to do ANYTHING to make her feel a little better and stick around a little longer.

This is way too big of a burden for you (or your friends who I'm sure are trying to help you) to bear on your own. Please talk to a trusted adult relative, your mom's doctor, or someone in the hospital, tell them how you feel and that you think you need to talk to someone who can help. Hospice was some WONDERFUL people who know what it feels like to be in your flip flops.

Your mother has been going through this a long time and is weary. If she weren't in so much pain and so tired, you know in your heart and soul the LAST thing she would want to do is to leave you before you are a great grandmother yourself.

Please know that when the time comes that your mother does pass on, she will ALWAYS be with you, watching over you, and loving you. My own mother passed away over ten years ago, but she is here with me every day, helping me out!

Keep in touch with all of us, we are your family too. There are many people on this site who would be happy to give you a cyber hug and help you along the way.

May the angels watch over you~

((((hugs))))

Colleen

By Groovygirlcool
Posted July 1, 2009 at 9:37 am
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To a Sweet Daughter -

There's no pill, potion or treatment more powerful than the will to live, or the wish to be free of a life of intolerable pain. We can't choose either for another human, be it our mother or our child, or anyone else.

Every fibre of your mother's being wants to live for you- be with you-share life with you. Life doesn't always give us choices we want.

As Beachbabe says, your darling mother will ALWAYS be with, LOVE you and be WITH you. You are part of each other- mind, body and spirit- you grew under her heart and she will live forever in yours.

Be with her now, every moment you can - cherish the time you have together. If she's well enough at times, get her to share parts of her life you may not know- first love;favourite song;first friend or how she felt when she was pregnant with you.

I've lost my Mum too, not near as young as you (37), but I talk to her every day and I 'know' she is with me, and watching over my babies.

Bless you Sweetheart and your darling Mom - I will pray tonight for true miracles for you all, xxxHeather

By faithmena
Posted July 1, 2009 at 11:01 am
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My heart goes out to you , I have a seventeen old as well and can't imagine him enduring this heartbreak. I am sending you a big cyber hug((((((())))))))
Has your mother tried all chemo options out there for liver and bone mets?

I pray for a miracle for your mother and sending you lots of strength and love. xoxoox
Mena

By kleighk
Posted July 1, 2009 at 11:07 am
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My children are older now, but when I was dx with StageIV they were in their teens, and I know how very scared they were. I wasn't as sick as your mother, so I can only imagine the pain and confusion you must be going through.

Please do as Colleen suggested and speak to someone in the Hospice. They know the right words to say to help you through this. And you mother will be much happier if she knows that you are being taken care of through all "this".

I pray that God will bless you and your family and your mother on this journey.

By maxnan
Posted July 1, 2009 at 11:28 am
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I too join in the words of those that have replied and I am sorry that you and your family have to go through this.

Regarding Tamoxifen, yes - if she is "Estrogen Receptor Positive", Tamoxifen can be a powerful drug. It is usually given after an initial regimen of chemo. Research has shown that it works for 5 years. And there aren't many bad side effects. ER+ means that the cancer feeds and grows on the estrogen in her body and Tamoxifen prevents the cancer from being able to do so. What I don't know is how well it will work if her cancer has spread to her liver. Have you talked with her Oncologist? This would be a good question to ask him/her.

In reading your Mom's profile, she stated that she's not against conventional treatment, she's just looking for one that will help her -- the magic bullet. Unfortunately, there isn't a magic bullet yet but there are various different drugs like Tamoxifen and others, that help greatly with ER+ cancers. And additionally, there are numerous chemo's that can also help. I don't think that anyone, including the specialists, know how long as that differs for everyone. I hope that the stent gives her a great deal of relief from the pain that she is feeling.

Also to be greatly considered regarding chemo for your mom are what her wishes are.

Please have a family meeting with her Oncologist to get all of your questions answered about the various treatments available and how they relate to her particular cancer. My heart goes out to you and to your family and I will keep you all in my prayers.

By blanche149
Posted July 1, 2009 at 11:44 am
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Good Morning, Sweetheart
I hope you and your Mom are both feeling better this morning.
Your absolute love for your Mom is so beautiful to witness. As a mother with a wonderful daughter like you, I can affirm that your mother is so very grateful to have your love and your caring concern.
From what I understand, tamoxifen has worked very well for many women and hopefully it can help your Mom.
In the meantime, the advice you've already received from others on this discussion is very wise: seek support for yourself with someone you trust; look into hospice care for your mother to help all of you deal with this painful time; and most of all, realize that some of this journey that your mother is on is out of your hands - trust that God will give you and your family the time you need.
Finally, your mother already has outlived the time that her doctors gave her. She's a strong woman. She may be down now but, God willing, she might surprise you all and bounce back from pain - ready to continue the fight.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Blanche

By Daughter2Survivor
Posted July 1, 2009 at 1:21 pm
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Hi Brendajean,
I too am the daughter of a Mom with Breast Cancer. Mets to many places incl: the liver.
My Mother has said those dreaded words as well, "I just want to die". I know how hard this is to hear. It is a tough balancing act between keeping her happy (not depressed), comfortable (not in pain) and Motivated (to live). The best thing I think you/we can do is "listen". Never discount how she is feeing, but do your best to remind her of all the reasons there is to fight to live.

Just don't push... listen, be gentle and if you find her sentiment to go is consistent - then it will be your job to make sure she knows that you are not selfish and you fully support her desires and it is OK with you. Cherish the good memories - talk about them often. Sometimes that alone can change the outlook of my Mom even if she is in pain. Just LISTEN.

I'll keep you in my thoughts...

Hugs, Judy

By ious1Tjed6247
Posted July 1, 2009 at 1:47 pm
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Dear Angel,

Yes oxycontin keeps you out of some of the pain.
The Denver Shunt drains the pleural fluid ascities to keep you from feeling any shortness of breath and you are definately more comfortable. This is the one thing I can attest to. Comfort is the operative word here.

Be sure to speak with her doctor's that are on board and also family support is critical for both of you!
It's quite normal to feel like "dying" when you are in Pain. Get that under control first and then take the next steps.

You are an angel of a daughter and I commend and uphold your emotional plea. You have a site here for all the support you need.

(((((Hugs))))) and Abundant Blessings!

By jaf
Posted July 1, 2009 at 4:11 pm
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You are so young to be going through all of this. But I know your Mom is grateful for having you there with her every step of the way. It is so hard to let go . But your Mom will be forever in your memories and just grow and be the kind of daughter she would love to see grow up. You, your Mom and family will be in our prayers. Big hugs to you and hang in there.

By brendajean
Posted July 1, 2009 at 7:02 pm
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Hello to all,
It's Brendajean's daughter here again. I want to thank you so much for all of your support in my (and my mom's and family's) time of need. Unfortunately, my strong fighter of a mother passed away peacefully this morning with her family by her side. I can only find comfort in knowing she is not longer in pain and not suffering; she hated this disease so much, as it ravaged her body making it difficult, too difficult, to live on any longer. She is in a better place now, and I feel that if I have at least 1/4 of my mother's strength and determination, then I am doing quite well. I am sorry you all couldn't meet my mother, as she was the most remarkable woman I have ever known. She will be truly missed and forever remembered.

By Groovygirlcool
Posted July 1, 2009 at 8:25 pm
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Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.
And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.
There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something --
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
or helped in some special way.
Let me live in your heart
as well as in your mind.
You can love me most
by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,
by embracing them and living in their love.
Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,
give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown
........................................................................... .............

My thoughts, love and prayers are with you Sweet Daughter, you will have ALL your darling mother's strength and determination, and you WILL do very well, Brendajean will be so proud of you, xxxHeather

By margaret27217
Posted July 2, 2009 at 9:26 am
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My Precious,

Your mom 'knew'. I know it's hard to understand that, but people just seem to know when it's time. You are brave and strong. It's evident in the tone of your writing. I'll bet you are your mom's greatest accomplishment and I am confident you will live up tto that. My prayers for blessings, comfort, and peace are with you and your family. Get some help with your grieving, darling. Hospice is probably a good place to start. Know that all of us hear would love to continue to hear from you. You are loved!

By nancyc
Posted July 2, 2009 at 11:57 am
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Having watched my father die, I know that in time, you'll feel gratitude that you were able to be there when your mother made her transition. It's painful, and I'm imagining that you felt helpless, and that it was coming too soon, but cancer doesn't work on OUR time line.
After my father died, I felt a sense of closure. Although my fathers' death came quickly, and we were expecting him to be MedEvac'd to be evaluated for a second liver transplant, my siblings and I were all able to manage to get to the hospital in time. My mother and my siblings and I were able to be with him all through the night, until he died as the sun rose. It was surreal, but for me, it was a precious time, and I felt blessed to have been able to hold his hand, tell him that I loved him, and when he seemed to be struggling, let him know that it was all right for him to go, and that we'd be fine.
Your mother went before you were ready for her to, but it was time. I hope that your having been with her will act as solace for you and your family, too.

Welcome to Inspire!

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