hi,
i know there are innumerable bc patients on this site and everywhere around who are coping with all stages and complications of cancer. i know my agony is not even comparable to what you all are going thro but nevertheless i am so overwhelmed with my mom's ca that i don't know what to do--she has responded to chemo,radiation and is stable but had to undergo one sided mastectomy a year ago--she is living in a third world country where breast reconstruction procedures would not be available and can neither travel to another country--she wld neither be willing to undergo reconstruction---but for me the thought of facing her like this is very painful and i wish a miracle procedure would one day restore her normal old self---she is very dear to me and i don't want help of any support gp or counsellor to tackle this but rather want a safe miracle to work for her. any suggestions?
i will never be convinced that mastectomy prolongs survival and i wish she had not undergone it.
my sympathies with you all!!!
god bless
wonder
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how to cope??
- By wonder
- Posted November 6, 2009 at 9:10 pm · 7 replies
- In Family and caregivers
- Shared with the public
- Edited November 6, 2009 at 9:11 pm
7 replies
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- Newest first
- By StickiVicki
- Posted November 7, 2009 at 2:55 am
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Have a look at Susansings posting Scars.
Your mother's scar is not deforming and in its own way is a miracle of healing after removing something that was destroying her. You say that she is stable - yipee. This means that the treatment is working so the scar is a mark of hope. You say that you don't think that a mastectomy with prolong her life, but even if it doesn't it may just be making her feel a lot better in herself. After my mastectomy I was no where near at tired as I had been before, and generally just felt more energy and healthier than before.
We cannot go back in time, as much as we would like to. I can only move on from this day to the next and live with hope and acceptance that this is my lot in life. That doesn't mean that I am giving up, I just don't want to waste more energy on this disease than it is already taking.
The problem seems to be more yours than your mother's. She probably is delighted to be having a future after being diagnosed and you say she would not want reconstructive surgery. So, to be blunt, what is the problem? I am sure that after a year she has come to terms with this and has found a way to present herself that she is happy with - with a prosthesis or not. If you are in your 40s I assume she is in her 60s and maybe her breasts are not as much of a part of her identity as they seem to be to you.
Rejoice that your mother is alive and stable and accept her as she is. You seem to thing of this as a deformity, but would she reject you if you were not "perfect"? I think not. You seem to feel sorry for her when maybe she is only glad to be alive and the scar is a scar of life.
Vicki
- By Gentlenatured1
- Posted November 7, 2009 at 10:43 am
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I agree with you, Vicki.
I had a double mastectomy in Sept. 2009, and I am pleased with the results.
Any professional person who sees the area remarks that my surgeon did an excellent job.
Your Mom is probably thankful to be alive.
PAMELA
- By LaGata
- Posted November 7, 2009 at 1:22 pm
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wonder,
You are looking for a miracle when there is one right in front of you every time you look at or talk to your mother. The best miracle would be for there to be a 100% effective preventative and the word cancer would no longer be part of our vocabulary.
I opted not to have reconstruction then found out that since the base layer of muscle was removed along with my breast, that I couldn't have had the surgery no matter what. When I'm dressed, no one can tell that I've had surgery of any type.
My prosthesis is my best friend. With it, my clothes fit the way they were meant to be worn and I look quite normal but this is my new normal. I can't go back to the health I once had any more than I can wake one morning and be twenty years old again. No matter how bad you want it, your mother will ever go back to "her normal old self." This is the new normal in our world, the world of living with cancer and the effects of treatments that have spared our lives, so far.
If your mother has accepted her scar and reconstruction is not a possibility anyway, since you mention she's living in a third world country, the best thing you can do is just enjoy the fact that your mother is still living and able to function. Love her and let her know it every chance you get. There will come a day when she won't be there and you will have wasted your time being upset over something she seems to have accepted.
Cancer took my mother less than a week ago. All of the things we won't have a chance to talk about are gone. Her memories went with her but I'm still here, with cancer, and will fight my hardest to stay here, as long as I can and I'm sure your mother feels the same way. Just love her and get over the scar.
- By 2xnow
- Posted November 7, 2009 at 8:40 pm
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As a younger person it sounds like body image is very important to you. As you get older most women do not worry about body image as they did when they were younger. Be thankful your mother is still alive; enjoy the present and don't worry about the fact that she had a mastectomy. You want to go back in time but that never happens. You need to move forward and not dwell on the past and what it was. Would you want to be a teenager again? It's the same thing. Society plays up the body image thing way too much. Being alive and being able to be a part of someone's life is more important.
- By Dreamy
- Posted November 9, 2009 at 6:53 pm
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Rejoice. You are looking in the shadows when the light is in your eyes.
I was not offered reconstruction and I live in Canada. My husband has seen my scar and is not sickened by it. It is part of me and he loves me not my breast(s). The scar is a part of my journey.
Up to a few months ago I was stable. And proud of it. I was diagnosed not to live more than a year and I fought back and made it to two and a half years of new normal. Now we are looking at progression and will deal with it as we have to.
Please rejoice with your mother. Take her cues emotionally and dont make your worries her worries.
- By wonder
- Posted November 10, 2009 at 12:54 am
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thank you so much dreamy--your reply was so comforting--god bless you in a mighty way--you are a special soul who cares abt others even in the face of cancer--hats off to you and your wonderful spirit--you indeed are an inspiration---i wish you can live for many years so that you touch many other lives--you are an angel yourself--thank you--wonder
- By wonder
- Posted November 10, 2009 at 12:56 am
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thank you everyone for your advice and support--i'll certainly try and change my attitude.
god bless
wonder
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