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hopes for family and kids are starting to disappear

carrieh
  • By carrieh
  • Posted August 23, 2008 at 7:51 pm · 17 replies
  • In Younger women
  • Shared with the public
0 Recommendations

hi i am 34 yrs old with stage 4. it is soo incredibly hard for me to sit by and watch my friends get married have children when i feel i may NEVER get to do any of these things. even though the nodules in my lung are small and the dr is optimistic. i doubt i can ever have biological children and from what i am reading about adoption it seems impossible for someone with a history of bc to adopt. has anyone ever been able to ?? does anyone share these sentiments? i know there is alwaysw the possibility of being a foster mom but i think that means even if u connect to a child the child can be taken away at anytime. i really want to be a mom. does anyone relate or have any suggestions? because to be honest if i cant have a future like that what is the point in all the fight in spending my life at oncololists, chemo etc if there is no real light at the end.. its like torture.. just fighting for more time to live without the things i desire most in the world .. family?? thanks in advance for any comments feedback..
Carrie

Explore topics in this discussion:

Cancer Adoption Lung cancer Pregnancy Stress Breast cancer

17 replies

Ahaha

Don't give up hope. Unexpected things can happen -- remissions, or finding a partner who has children. Meanwhile, love yourself and look for a way to love others. Love does make the world go round. Not only children, but also friends can make it worthwhile. God does make it worthwhile. Speaking as an older person who has been married and is a mother, all I can say is that it may not be what you think it will be. It can be disappointing. It's best to concentrate now on finding love for yourself to bring about the best healing possible. "Love your neighbor as yourself." It begins with loving yourself. In order to heal, you need to be grounded in self-love (not selfishness).
Wishing you healing and luck on your life journey. I had trouble conceiving and do feel with you on the intense hope you have to have children.

Beachbabe

Hi Carrieh~

I echo Ahaha's sentiments...don't give up hope. It's always darkest before the dawn. You are focusing on the distant future when I believe you should be cutting your timeline into smaller, easier to manage pieces. If your heart's desire is to be a mother, you will one day be a mother. I believe that. The world works in very mysterious ways and we do not write the script. As a Type A personality, I struggle with this fact daily.

Focus on the positive things that you DO have in your life. Emerse yourself in something...anything...to take your mind off Stage 4 cancer. Read, dance, laugh, LIVE. And I truly do believe, that while doing that, your life will head in the direction it was always meant to go in...and that very well may include children. If not, there are so many children in this world who need love and guidance if only on a part-time basis. Perhaps you could start out by signing up to be a Big Sister? If we all put our heads together creatively, we'll come up with something--you are not alone.

Peace~

Pattibeth

Carrie,

I can relate to your intense desire for children & family. My sole desire has always been to be a Mom. I married at age 33 after waiting for my "knight" and had my kids at age 36, 39 and 43. I was always strong and healthy and never thought I'd have Stage IV mets BC at age 48! Life does have its twists and turns, mountains and valleys.

After living with cancer & numerous treatments for 3 yrs., I can honestly say that my life has never been better. There are many blessings that come along with the trials of cancer. I found mine in a strong faith in God, who holds my hand every step of the way. Yes, I still worry and get upset about the daily struggles. I take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Every moment I can LIVE is a triumph. I LIVE better now than I did in the previous 50 years!

Look for YOUR blessings every day. But do give yourself the time to evolve beyond the normal fear and uncertainty you feel now. It's very difficult in the beginning because it all looks so dark and hopeless, but God has a way of bringing you to the light in small tiny steps. Courage.Trust. Perseverance. Never lose Hope. You may find the future you yearn for - or maybe something even more wonderful you never expected - in the trying days ahead. You have many understanding people on this site who have walked in your footsteps and come out infinitely stronger. You can too. Remember you are not alone. I'll keep you in prayer.

Patti

josephina

i ditto those three wise replies, its true it sometimes comes down to day by day, hour by hour minute by minute. Hang in there you are not alone and yes you are loved!

winner

Carrie:

This might sound a little pollyannish but I feel you must send positive vibrations and then you will get positive things happen to you.
I can certainly understand your feelings, but please know that stage IV is NOT a death centence(sp). As others have said it can open up many good things if you will let it.

Yes you will have a journey to travel, and you DO have the strength to do that.

You can alway join Big sisters, volunteer as a mentor to children and I am sure there are many other organizations like these that would be so grateful to have you. I know it is not the same as having your own, but maybe you will find much joy in doing something like this until the time comes when hopefully you find what you want. I have heard of women who have their eggs frozen and when they have finished chemo they have gotten pregnant. Have you checked this option out? If your onc is optimistic, please follow his lead and be optismistic as well.

I wish you well.

When life gives us lemons, let's make lemonade.

P.S. I was diagnosed with stage IV bc just 4 months after I lost my husband, that was almost 3 years ago.

Thesweetmom

Hi Carrie,

What a beautiful name -- it is also one of my daughters' names! I agree with the previous replies and would also like to mention that an alternative (although not the same as full-time parenting) is spending time and working with children. In addition to what was suggested, being a Guardian ad Litem (or CASA, depending what it is called in your area) volunteer -- advocating for a foster child in the court system -- is another way of working with children. I, too, looked into adopting a foster child. I never got to the actual process but read a book called "Adopting the Hurt Child". Sometimes the history of a child causes attachment problems, which can cause many challenging situations and much stress on the part of the parent. So, please be cautious about that since stess is not a friend to cancer. Possibly, if you belong to a church or synagogue, you could help with the school there or babysitting during services, etc. G-d does not make all of us parents. Teaching, mentoring, etc. a child is crucial and a form of parenting. I don't know whether it is possible to adopt with met bc but if you find it is, please be careful about additional parental stress involved because of the child's history. I wish you the best!
Sheila

CSF

I can relate some, Carrie. Just before I was diagnosed at age 36, I had decided to go ahead with the process of adoption. Obviously, that changed with my diagnosis. And while it hurt to have that possibility taken away, I did get over it.
There is more to a full life than having children. I agree with everything everyone has said already here, so won't repeat it.
There are many people in the world who need our love and support. Go find those people and give what you can - you will get so much in return. We have to play the hand we are dealt. Try not to focus on what you don't have, and instead cherish what you DO have. I think you will find you are much happier that way. Cancer has taken enough from all of us. Don't let it take your spirit too.
(hugs).

peggyr

hi Carrie, lots of wonderful replies...
here's my two cents. I can't relate to the thought of not having children, I have two, that were born before my diagnosis. I CAN relate to loss of dreams, loss of an identity that I was hoping for my future. Maybe that is where you are now... still dealing with loss of a dream. I found that if I grieved that loss, and acknowledged it fully, and got every last bit of it out of my system, then I was free to move on to my future that was my own, with new dreams and new hopes.

There are many ways to do this....

1.write a letter to someone about what you are feeling about the possible loss of having bio offspring( these kind of letters you don't send!!!)
2. Rant at God(S/he can handle it!!!!)
3. Give yourself a time every day that you will grieve and limit it to five minutes or so. You know you have a time set aside just for that, and it acts as a relief valve.
4. Avoid situations for a while that serve to remind you of the loss, such as kid's parties, or passing by the maternity shop, baptisms/baby dedications/bris(sp?) ceremony....

you can probably think of others. You may not have thought of this as a grief process, but we all have had to grieve the loss of our health as we knew it. What everyone has said is true.. we have found new ways to express who we are and what we have to give to the world. You will find your way.

I am offering this from my experience. Take whatever will help you and feel free to dismiss any that doesn't fit. That is how I have learned from my mentors.

I wish I had this kind of forum when I was diagnosed w/stage 4 when I was 36 in 1992. I did find good local support groups and made it thru ok.

be good to yourself and honor who you are, in grief, and in growth.

peggyr

carrieh

so is everyone telling me there is no chance of having a baby through adoption surragacy etc?? that seems so crazy. even hiring a surrogate.. my oncologist seems very optimistic about me going into full remission..i only have 4 small lesions in the lung the biggest being 1.6 cm.. i cant just give up on this!! there are no adoption etc stories out there??

peggyr

sorry, carrieh!

I don't have any of those stories...
have you checked with www.youngsurvival.org? Maybe you can find what you're looking for there.

I found the inspire site by logging into www.mbcnetwork.org. I particpated in a phone conference they had in July and heard a lot of women speak about your concerns. You may be able to get a copy of the transcript or speak to the moderator of the group. They are based near Sloan Kettering, I think.

keep asking and searching... even if I can't answer your questions, I will support you in your needing to find answers..

peggyr

LindaLD

Hi, Carrie-
Have you considered taking in a foster child? Social services will train you and usually you are given a monthly stipend to help with the baby's/child's expenses. Some children need a safe place to stay for a short time, while others need longer care--sometimes for years and years.

Years ago my brother and his wife had some serious drama in their lives and unfortunately my 19-month old niece was placed in foster care in another state. It took me nine months before I was able to legally take custody of her and bring her to California. The foster parents she was placed with were wonderful people to whom I will always be indebted. They were unable to have children of their own, and were having difficulty adopting (the expense, plus cancer in her background) and this is how they organized their lives--by being there for children in need.

Best wishes,
Linda

cancerkicker

Carrie,

I just found your post although I see you wrote it months ago.

A couple of things......I was able to have a biological baby after my first round of cancer......it is possible.

There is a group on yahoo called adoption after cancer. Many people have been able to adopt after a cancer diagnosis - it just takes a little more digging. You have to find an agency that will work with you or are "cancer friendly."

Check out the group on yahoo. I found it very helpful!!!!

3timesurvivor

Carrie

I had my first bout with cancer before I had any children. Two years after that my daughter was born and three years after that my second daughter. So it is possible to safely bear a child after cancer. 17 years later I had a second recurrance and 16 years later stage IV with bone and lung mets. At this time I am a grandmother to four. So God not only granted my desire for my own children (After trying for 10 years) be He has allowed me to see my children grown and given me my wonderful grandchildren. We never know what road we will travel, but take heart, we do not travel alone.

DiSabatino

Carrie,
I'm in the same boat as you! I was 33 when I got sick, my boyfriend at the time said he could handle it but then realized he couldn't when it got pretty bad.
So here I am, alone, life dreams shattered! Spent all that time on my career and now can't work. Didn't get married and have kids before I got cancer, can't imagine who would want me now with cancer. And it's official, my oncologist said that my eggs are no longer viable, whatever that means. It means no family of my own.
I'm hoping that my health with continue to get better. I hope that I'll find a man that already has a family. I hope that although my original dreams and desires won't come true, that perhaps I'll get a modified version of my dream of a family.
What else can I do?
Please let me know how you are doing now, your post was written some time ago!
Darlene

fightingtheodds

The librarian at our school had breast cancer and then was able to adopt. It may depend on the state or something crazy like that. Take heart, there are great men out there just waiting to meet you!

BethA

I have a friend who at 32 years old was given a diagnosis of stage IV lung cancer with months to live, and as we know the treatments for lung cancer are few and prognosis worse than BC. She went to UCLA where she underwent some cutting edge treatments.

That was 6 years ago, in that journey she married her boyfriend and 2 years ago had a baby daughter. The cancer dragon is under control by the wonderful doctors at UCLA and at this point the doctors feel it will remain under control indefinitely.

Success stories don't get much better than that...so please don't give up. One never knows what wonderful things may lie just around the next corner. Perhaps they aren't exactly what we want, but they might be just what we need.

PinkMelba

I was 33 when I was first diagnosed with stage IIa breast cancer. I had just miscarried and was devastated. I had lumpectomy, chemo and radiation. Then, out of the blue, I was blessed with a viable pregnancy and a beautiful baby boy. He is a miracle child.

Now 8 years later, I have been diagnosed with stage iv with mets to lymph, lung and liver. My oncologist is not as optimistic as yours, but nobody knows what the future holds.

We are all traveling down this path with many joys and heartaches. Just remember that miracles happen when we least expect them. Surround yourself with positive people and open yourself up to all the possibilities of life. See what happens. Your life experiences make you special and unique. Don't give up hope.

Melissa

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